What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

Don't waste any more of your life in this non-marriage, you deserve better than this.

Why do you worry that you would be letting him down if you left him? He is letting you down every single day by attaching no value to your relationship

Are you sure he isn't leading a double life? You spend so little time together, it sounds very odd. If he isn't with you for a passport, what does he get from your relationship?

He gets money, complete freedom and legal, ie marital, sex when he wants it.

What do you get from the relationship? Occasional sex with someone who laughs at your feelings, gets angry if you question him, happily takes your money and has never visited your home, even though you are supposedly his wife.

Did you marry him in a registry office, or did he arrange a religious ceremony?

Please turn to your family and level with them. Like most people on MN I'm a parent and I'd like to think that, no matter how big a hole an older DS dug himself into, how many mistakes he made, and how much he'd kept from me in the process, I'd be there to help him out rather than let him sink any further.

Unlike this man, your family probably love you. Please take off the ridiculous romantic blinkers that have made you so vulnerable to this very callous deception. Tell someone what's happening IRL and set yourself free.

Deffo got more than one wife.

I'd contact the police and ask them to investigate bigamy.

Is this relationship what you want in life? You have been doing this for four years now. How will you feel if the situation is exactly the same in four years time? Is that enough for you?

He isn't going to change and he isn't going to turn into a husband. He has no motivation for changing. He gets to do what he wants, he gets sex with you when it suits him and he gets money from you to do what he wants with. I would bet good money on him being married to someone else too.

Stop feeling and thinking for him. Feel and think for yourself and let him take care of himself. Find out what you want for your life and set about living your life.

It must be really hard for you, as though you're living a double life.

Why do people think he has a wife? She's in his home at the moment. Do you mean a wife in another country?
He could have seven wives if they all just stay over one night a week. My aunt's "husband" was living with her at least half the time and still had a wife and produced three children with her at the same time.

What sort of marriage ceremony was it? A UK one with a registrar or a religious one without one?

I think you need legal advice pronto to get out of whichever kind it was.

Imperial, she's there right now. For all she and we know he can have several women in the same circumstances, living in their own homes, as well as another wife at home.

God, it doesn't bear thinking about. I wish the OP would come back to clarify some things.

Op, whether or not he has another wife in this or another country, this is no where good enough for you, is it?

Good grief. I am speechless. How could you have been so dim? Sorry to be harsh, but seriously, HOW?

He is either gay and you are his 'front', or he's married to or heavily involved with someone else, or perhaps many women. Are you 100% sure he has a legitimate passport? Because it sounds to me like you are the intended route to one. And he married you after only 6 months... I cannot imagine what's in it for him otherwise, and it's clearly not a normal married life with you that he's after.

Does he have any children? Do you? Do you discuss children together?

Why have you never lived together? What possible justification could there be for this? And why do you give him money when you only see him once a week? If he has a legit passport he can work, surely?

Did you already have children and need to keep your status as lone parent to keep your HB and benefits etc? Is this why he doesn't live in your house? I am struggling to make sense of why ON EARTH you ever have accepted a situation like this, honestly. I can only arrive at the conclusion that you must be a bit 'vulnerable' and extremely easily duped.

Sheesh. These opportunistic, slimy, devious wankers make my blood boil.

Let it all out, Holly!

You've said everything I was thinking.

And as for 'I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.'

I'm not sure he'd even notice. Unless you do all his washing on a Saturday as well.

And clean his place.

It is mystifying to us, on the outside, but for the OP this must have been a series of small steps. Each step reasonable and plausible until today she turns around and realises that she's been walking in to madness. OP needs our compassion and understanding and I sincerely hope that she wants our help to escape this twisted situation.

Honestly I am just at this. It is so sad and so bloody infuriating that some women are prepared to give so much of themselves and get so fucking little in return, just for the meagre benefit of being able to say they 'have a man'.

I disagree. She doesn't need compassion and understanding because that will keep her right where she is. She needs to be shouted at, and tipped upside down and shaken until her brain clicks into gear.

I've just read another of the OP's threads - she has a day job and a business teaching maths at night, so she's not on benefits. There doesn't seem to be a real reason why they shouldn't live together, though I'm glad they don't, given all she's said.

I hope she'll come back on here and talk it through.

What will encourage her to come back? Compassion and understanding or being shouted at?

When we got married I had the same expectations as most people who get married - I thought we would live together, travel together etc. He has his own flat and I have mine, which he has never visited.

And my mind is boggling over how he came to break it to you gradually that those expectations were never going to be met. He never ever went you your home in the 6 months you were dating, and he's still never been there 4 years later? How do you even end up marrying a man for whom everything is so bizarrely compartmentalised and one-sided? It just makes no sense at all.

Who went you your wedding? I bet it was just you and two witnesses, wasn't it? What is his reasoning for living apart, and how did you so readily accept this? I really need to know!

Do you know, Logg1e I don't think it matters whether she comes back or not - she'll be reading. I suspect there is very little she could say that will make any sense of what she has allowed to happen to her. We aren't all going to go 'Oh ok, that makes more sense now you've explained it - fair enough, he's not a parasite A-hole after all.'

I would imagine it has been as Logg1e says, and all made sense at the time. My aunt was far from being vulnerable or desperate and she still got taken in. Maybe annaomar is vulnerable or desperate for some reason, but I would be worried about making her feel bad about herself. She already sounds like she isn't being nice to herself. She needs to be blaming this manipulative shit, not herself.

I'm with Logg1e here. I don't think OP needs 'shouting at' or hectoring. She has come here for support.

Hopefully you're busy saying goodbye to him and packing your toothbrush.

In fact, I hope you had only a religious wedding at a mosque. It would be much easier for you to get rid of him. And I hope he doesn't know your address even.

If you are properly married, seek legal advice asap. He may have a claim on your assets. :(

I'm struggling to see how this could ever have made sense to anyone with half a brain, but away you go and support.

I'm out.