What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

What's the rest of your life like? How fulfilling is your job? Do you have children? Do you have much to do with your family?

It would break my heart to see my daughter like that. I'd be staging an intervention and taking her to Australia.

If you had/have a daughter and you could see her living that life, what would you want to say to her?

Can you believe in a God who wants a life like that for someone? I can't.

how did you meet him, OP, why aren't you answering this question ?

I thought you said you hadn't converted to Muslim ? In that case, you have no pressure to stay "married" to him, no more than if you promised to give a stranger £150 a week and then changed your mind

you can change your mind and walk away with your conscience clear

This will be your life forever. You will never have the loving relationship you want. Get him out of your life so you can move forward and make more of the life you actually want.

it pains me... I know somone who lives similar. please OP

Op, you did not convert to Islam, you said. So therefore the vows made in the nikah are not vows made to your god?
People do allsorts in the name of religion.
No one is a 24-7 monster. Of course he will have his 'good ' qualities.
If you change nothing, how do you see your life in three years time? Really?

He wasn't my student! I met him through a part- time job that I had at the time - he was a friend of the people that I was working for and sometimes he would call in to visit them. We just got chatting one day, then he asked me to go to a restaurant with him. Very conventional really. My employers were very pleased we had got together - they think he is a lovely person and told me so often. All his friends do - they say he is a good man, will always help someone out, is fun to be with, devout in his religion....

All his friends do - they say he is a good man, will always help someone out, is fun to be with, devout in his religion....
Yes, I had this experience too. It really matters very little what verbal reports he gets. People are great at public performances. It doesn't change the crumbs that he throws you from his table.
You sound like you are defending him op. Men like this drip feed a ridiculous existence and then lull you into having some misguided loyalty and belief in them.
Step back, look, and you might get a better view of the situation.

Today I have taken a good long look, with the help of the comments and messages here. I feel so sad though and can't get rid of the feeling that I'm letting someone down. I always wanted to be fair and good with him - even though he' s not fair and good with me.

But there lies the problem, you know he is not fair and good with you. You can't make him think and act like you, it's just not possible.
I understand the sadness, that's ok, that's your feelings.
But he has let you down op, and you seem to have lost your way here.
Did you have some better relationships in the past?

if you will not listen, OP, then MN cannot help you

it really is as simple as that

carry on listening to this conman and thinking of his feelings, you will carry on getting what you already got

except it will get worse, and your humiliation will become more and more public, like my family member's did

OP, why do you think people are taking the time to answer you ?

'letting someone down" YOU YOU

Denial I say- take your time. It can be difficult to come terms with a bad choice, more so when it is a person involving an intimate relationship.

Keep posting to talk through this. there are a few here who have experience of this.

From my experience of mums net, it can feel really harsh when people call your loved one things like con man etc, BUT....people on mums net get the abridged version. They don't have the messy feelings and the rose coloured glasses that get in the way, they don't have the attraction or potential romance of a situation, and these are the things that can cloud a person's judgement when they are right in it.
Everyone can see the situation you are in is ridiculous, but you still feel you are letting him down. That's why people are getting exasperated. I get that. But take some of the sentimentality away and see that he is just not that bothered. Has his life got a higher value than yours?

I still can't get over the fact you can't tell your friends and family you're married.
Does that not strike you as utterly wrong? If you love someone so much you want to marry why should you then keep it a secret?

It's very telling, annaomar, that your family don't know. Your family! Your parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents! You're living in a shared flat - not with your husband but with a friend.

Anna, you are not married, not in rl or in the eyes of God. Your marriage was not blessed in a church by a priest or vicar in front of family and friends, it is not registered in law. It exists in your head alone. It clearly doesn't exist in his head and heart or you wouldn't be living like this, so just in yours. Your head alone. Not actually in your heart or you'd believe in the way you're living, and you don't. So, just in your head.

That's not a marriage, it's an arrangement. An arrangement which solely benefits him.

Anna, you must leave. You have no legal attachment. This is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. Please make the break.

The only person you are letting down is yourself! Again, again and again!

Seriously, OP do you think so little of yourself?!

I second everything Holly said. I am absolutely gobsmacked the!

You will be letting yourself down if you stay in this relationship, OP.

Why do you feel you have to remain loyal to this man who is using you?

The nikah ceremony is just a way of allowing people to have sex without "going against" their religion, so he can sleep with you when he feels like it and keep a clear conscience from a religious point of view.

Everything is on his terms. You have wasted too much time already, waiting for whatever crumbs he throws your way.

You owe him nothing.

I know it's hard to face up to reality, but posting on here was the first step in the separation process. You already knew everything that has been said on here. You come across as a nice person, but with low self-esteem. The ideal prey for a woman-user. Leaving him will leave an emptiness in your life to begin with, as you still have a rose-tinted view of him, but you are already living in a void - there is nothing for you in the relationship.

There is so little for you in this relationship that all you will have to do is take your toothbrush home with you - you don't properly exist in his life, there is no trace of you in his flat despite being "together" for four years. You won't even have to explain anything to friends and family as this so-called marriage had to be kept a secret. You deserve so much better than this.

OP, many things have been said and I wanted to add, as a Muslim myself, this man is NOT acting like a devout man:

1. He has to pay you a dowry (mahr) during the ceremony, I doubt he has done that.

1. He is NOT obeying the law of the land he lives in, as every Muslim is obliged to, by marrying you first in a civil ceremony.

1. He is NOT living up to his Islamic responsibility to provide you with food, a home, clothes.

1. He is taking money from you. Not allowed. Even if you work, the money is YOURS.

1. He is not respecting the sanctity of marriage, not respecting the sanctity of Nikah.

1. Even if you are a second wife, which is your right to know if you are, the above rules STILL apply! He can't treat you like a bl**dy mistress, a wife is a wife whether she is number 1 or 4!!!! EQUAL treatment is required!

1. He knows if he legally marries you, he can't bring his first wife over if there is one. Which again comes down to him having to obey the law of the land he lives in.

Nikah is not there to make a woman a man's legal girlfriend. It's a legally binding (not legally as legal in the UK but you get what I mean) contract people enter in with the intention to respect and honour the person they marry.

Please leave him, ask for a divorce. He might refuse, as he is the one to pronounce it. Were you legally married by Nikah in a Muslim country you'd go to court there and ask for the divorce which you should get in this situation. But since you are by law not married you can't go to court. You did however enter into a contract so I would not advice you just to walk away simply because you are not Muslim. What city do you live in? Is there a mosque or Islamic center where you can find someone to help you? Get the divorce properly for your own peace of mind.

Good luck OP, this man is not respecting your rights.

And I forgot to add OP, one of the essential parts of an Islamic marriage is that is has to be made public. In essence you are a secret wife and that is not right. Your family and his family should have been present.

Jux, a marriage in front of a vicar is not the only way to get married. The issue here is that she only has a religious ceremony done and not a civil so by law she is not considered married. But she did enter into a marriage contract, it is the man who is not honouring and respecting her rights.

I haven't read all the comments, here so forgive me if I am repeating something someone else has said. My brother is a muslim and a leader in his community.
First of all, your marriage is still a marriage in Islamic terms, there is no need for you to convert. But you should have had someone advising when the marriage contract was drawn up. You should have been given a dowry.

And certainly if he is such a good Muslim he should be keeping you and your money would be your own.

But that is between you and him. If you like how you are living, enjoy it. I wouldn't give him anymore money though

Op if you were my real life friend I would want to know. People like to help! You could have a happy normal life ahead of you if that is what you want, but you never will with this man.

Please leave him, ask for a divorce. He might refuse, as he is the one to pronounce it. Were you legally married by Nikah in a Muslim country you'd go to court there and ask for the divorce which you should get in this situation. But since you are by law not married you can't go to court. You did however enter into a contract so I would not advice you just to walk away simply because you are not Muslim. What city do you live in? Is there a mosque or Islamic center where you can find someone to help you? Get the divorce properly for your own peace of mind.

Fox I think that is TERRIBLE, almost hilarious advice, given the circumstances. She is not a Muslim! She is not legally married! What contract?! Do you think this 'contract' is one that anyone who matters is going to pay any attention to AT ALL should he decide he wants to argue the toss about it and make things difficult for her?

She doesn't need to be asking this selfish parasite for his permission to do a damned thing. And why on earth should she be made to feel that she needs to jump through the hoops dictated by Islam before she can have her dignity and her freedom back?

This 'marriage' is not recognised in any law that she needs to abide by or worry about. It's not a marriage. It's nothing. Nothing at all. To you maybe, but with respect, this isn't about you and your beliefs. She can walk away and never look back, any day she likes and there is not a thing he can do about it. And he chose it that way, because he chose to make her his convenient seedy little secret, not recognised in law. He perusaded her it was all about true love in the eyes of God, when actually it was all about being able to take what he wanted and give nothing in return.

OP this is the easiest 'marriage' to walk away from ever in the history of the universe. You just go into his flat and take your toothbrush and tell him the scales have a finally fallen from your eyes. Or better still, you you abandon the toothbrush, change your mobile phone number and offer him no explanation at all.

But if you are determined to continue to see the good in him, (and I suspect you are) then how about you do this?

1. You arrive on Saturday with a couple of suitcases and you tell him you are moving in permanently.

2. You tell him he needs to dig out his passport and personal documents as you are both going to go the the registry office to book your legal marriage first thing on Monday. (don't worry - there's not a chance in hell he'll do it.)

3. You tell him he will be meeting your family next week and inviting them to the wedding.

4. You tell him he will have no more money from you AT ALL. From now on he has a choice. You either split all household bills 50:50 and after that you both manage your own money (the usual way) or he pays 100% of all household expenses, and what you earn is yours to spend as you choose, the devout Islamic way. Then we'll see just how devout he is. )

5. You fix him with a stare that makes him know you are serious. It'll take you roughly 15 minutes to know exactly where you stand.

I've been thinking a lot about this, and what his reasons could possibly be for wanting to do things like this.

Why would he want to 'marry' you, but not make it legal? How long has he been in the UK? It sounds to me as though he is almost certainly already legally married here.

Perhaps he has children in the UK and did this as insurance against being removed - right to a family life and all that, but now he has his passport he doesn't need to see them? Or perhaps the marriage broke down and he won't seek a divorce for some warped reason of his own.

Or his passport and papers are completely bogus and he does not want to rock the boat by showing them to anyone in order to arrange a legal marriage.

If he is gay would a religious ceremony do the job of throwing family off the scent? I have no idea. Unless he just wants to keep up appearances for the sake of his Imam.

Does he go back regularly to either his country of origin or the subsequent adopted country, to visit? If he does then he almost certainly has a wife and children there. Perhaps he sends money home to them which is why he's always tapping you for cash. Perhaps he sees you as a perfectly vaild second wife, because he can't ^possibly6 be expected to go without sex and a housekeeper while the other wife is back at home? Perhaps he really loves you but is just weird and struggles with commitment. Who knows? It could be all or any of these things.

The only thing we know for sure is that you are:

Being strung along with false promises
Being bled dry financially and emotionally
Taken for granted and kept at arm's length except when it suits him Gradually being marginalised from your friends and family in order to support his weird charade
Frightened to question him because of his defensive or aggressive reactions
Almost certainly being lied to, continually and pathologically

giving all of yourself to someone who has no intention of giving you anything back
Always being put last in his order of priorities
Left hanging in limbo, living a secretive half life.
UNHAPPY

And whether you are his one and only 'wife' in the eyes of God, or the law, or not, is almost irrelevant really. Those things there ^^ in bold, are all you really need to focus on.

Holly, I think you were being a bit harsh on DesertFox. I didn't read it as 'go beg the cock non-lodger for a divorce', but that OP should talk to the local mosque for clarification and an annulment, which she would almost certainly get, given the circs. In a way this is just a more thorough extension of the logistics and [legalities], BTW quite fascinating stuff. But, more to the point, honed to OP's current mindset. However glaringly obvious we can see that OP's situation is, and that it is not legally binding (and DesertFox does not say otherwise), OP need to shed her spaghetti-head, and if breaking the arrangement through the same channels works for her, so much the better. Personally, I also like the idea of people in his wider community hearing how he chooses to interpret 'devout'.

OP, I wish you the best. I think we all wish you could just open your eyes and cut all contact today.