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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are there any decent men out there ?!

281 replies

lemonbabe · 15/03/2014 15:13

I'm in my early 40's and separated. At first I was quite excited by the thought of meeting a normal, loving man and building a future together. Fastforward a couple of years down the line and a trail of failed relationships/dates and I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with men. It seems virtually impossible to meet someone who's not already taken, gay or mentally unstable. Is it the age ? Is is modern life ? Is it men being @rses ? Or all of the above ? It's hard being a single parent, doing everything alone. Friends are great of course but I'd love to meet someone special. I just feel too young to throw in the towel and begin imagining the rest of my life alone. Anyone feeling the same ?

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 15/03/2014 15:18

Pretty much. But honestly I wouldn't invite another man to live in my home again. Burned too many times and not willing to risk exposing my children to someone abusive again.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 15/03/2014 15:26

I know what you mean Alice. I was with someone for the best part of a year. Having young children to think about makes it all the more easy to walk away from abusive behaviour - no one deserves that. I just miss having someone, and being special for someone else.

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 15/03/2014 15:34

There are fantastic men out there and they are definitely worth waiting for

Just think how much more likely you are to meet someone amazing because you are single and will keep looking, if you settled for one of the (sadly copious) arseholes the good ones might pass you by while you were stuck with someone shite

getmeoutofthismadhouse · 15/03/2014 15:41

I'm thinking the same . All I keep finding is men who want sex and then you don't see them for dust once they got it ! It feels like men don't want relationships anymore , they just want what they can get.
I'm starting to give up thinking there really is someone for everyone :(

Original poster
lemonbabe · 15/03/2014 17:22

I so agree with you. It seems men just cannot be pestered making any effort at all. They want the sex (obviously) but sex doesn't constitute a relationship ! I've lost all faith in men. Flaky, dishonest, lazy @rses. I'd love to think they was someone special out there but I'm beginning to think there ain't - it's pure fiction.

OP posts:
buttonortwo · 15/03/2014 17:28

We are decent women yeah? Surely there must be men out there who think the same as us? I've seriously been stung and just cannot get past the latest relationship, 2.5 yrs was with exh 13 yrs before that.. I don't want to be alone ...

Original poster
lemonbabe · 15/03/2014 18:02

Yep, it ain't easy. I was with my ex 12yrs, had 2 kids together. Met someone 'special' after a year, turned out to be a psycho and showed his true colours just after I'd fallen for him hook, line and sinker. Was/is difficult to pull away but I miss him terribly and like you, don't want to be alone. I see so many good women on their own, sick of losers, jokers and players. I think the more men and women enter into relationships and get hurt, the more they become damaged in the sense of carrying emotional baggage, the by-products of being treated badly or abusively. It's on both sides, men and women - relationships don't stand a chance these days.

OP posts:
tiaramasu · 15/03/2014 18:08

Where do you try looking?

Darkesteyes · 15/03/2014 18:16

lemon that is part of the reason i think im better off where i am. Dh hasnt touched me for many years and i was having an affair this time 10 yrs ago.

We are like best friends rather than partners but i do miss sex and affection very much. Ive been incredibly depressed and weepy over the past couple of months. Am nearly 41 and feel im running out of time. But reading a lot of the threads on here shows me that its an extreme risk entering a new relationship these days.

Blossomflowers · 15/03/2014 18:18

lemon you need to join us on the dating thread. It's tough dating in your 40's, can be fun though, I think good and bad men just like in our 20's, obviously less to choose from now that are available.

withextradinosaurs · 15/03/2014 18:19

I got a dog. He gives me affection and steals the duvet. There is much less drama than with men. He comes to the pub with me too, but he never gets the beers in. Though I've been out with men who didn't either...

Rebecca2014 · 15/03/2014 18:32

It is hard to find a good man when you are young too! my sister is 26, attractive and is finding it hard to find a man who wants an relationship. I have an partner but he is far from perfect.

I do think the majority of men are arseholes- cheaters, liars, abusive.

My dad is lovely to my mum though but he is rare.

tiaramasu · 15/03/2014 18:35

Church may be a good place to find someone more reliable? Half joking but half serious.

VelvetSpoon · 15/03/2014 18:42

The reality is most decent men are happily married, have been since their 20s, and stay that way.

There are some whose relationships will just mutually break down for valid reasons, but an awful lot of men who are single (again) in their late 30s and upwards have more issues and baggage than any sane woman would want to get involved with, or aren't particularly nice (abuse, serially unfaithful, addictions, etc, etc), or just - with the best will in the world - don't have a lot going for them. Factor in then things like attraction, personality, intelligence, geographical location and the odds start to look increasingly bad. That's not to say it can't happen, or these men don't exist - but the higher your standards (and high standards is actually a very good thing) the less your chances.

That said, it's far worse to be in a shit relationship, or with a man you know just isn't right for you, than it is to be single.

louby44 · 15/03/2014 19:05

I feel exactly the same. Just got out of a 6 yr relationship with someone who I thought was kind, decent etc but as the relationship settled his temper and negativity towards my DC became unbearable. He's quickly moved on (took him 3 wks) and is now living with her and has been for 5 weeks.

I'm not settling for just anyone I just want someone to share my life with. I have no issues with self esteem, I know I'm a nice person. I have great friends, lovely family so many positives in my life but men seem to want something else....I'm at a loss?

MadeMan · 15/03/2014 19:14

I think when you hit 40's a lot of people (not all) that want to be in relationships will already be in some kind of relationship. There will be nice men and women out there, but maybe they are happy being single and have their own lives without needing anyone else.

MadeMan · 15/03/2014 19:20

@VelvetSpoon Good post, it could also explain why some of the decent women are unavailable.

withextradinosaurs · 15/03/2014 19:21

Shock at Louby! I remember your thread, he's seriously shacked up with someone else already?!

gilmoregirl · 15/03/2014 19:43

OP I like to think so..... Sadly not been my experience so far though.

I am 40 and only 'got back out there' last year after being single for sex years (and by single I mean completely single not one flirtation, date or so much as a snog) Blush

I left DS's father due to his unreasonable behaviour and had been focussing on building stable life for us when I suddenly realised I was pushing 40 and had been on my own for years.

Last year I met someone I thought was lovely but he turned out to have all kinds of issues and has left me hurt and confused.

So much of what other posters are saying makes so much sense and is what I have come to realise: men who want an actual relationship or want to be married, guess what, already are. There seem to be a lot of very odd single men out there.

Am sure there is a great quote from 'sex and the city' about this very issue that the men are being weeded out from procreating or something....

MamaPingu · 15/03/2014 19:45

This thread depresses me as I already feel I can't trust men Sad

I am only in my early 20's and have had two serious relationships where they have promised me that my suspicions were wrong and that they hadn't cheated.
Both had cheated and made me feel a fool for even suggesting something was wrong.
One of these "men" is the father of DS and I'm gutted at how much effort I put into the relationship and his dad just took from me, used me and now I can never take him back.

I am a truly honest and caring person so because I've been treated this way I get incredibly frustrated as I don't understand and now DS has a broken family! SadAngry

MadeMan · 15/03/2014 19:46

"...after being single for sex years..."

Definitely a Freudian slip here.

CrystalBeth · 15/03/2014 19:57

In short no. Thus I became a lesbian Grin

gilmoregirl · 15/03/2014 20:11

Made men!! Thank you that's cheered me up no end. Totally.

Plus am thrilled to know someone read one of my posts Grin

gilmoregirl · 15/03/2014 20:13

Plus being single for ahem six years was fine.

However, being single for six months after the sex not so fine....

anapitt · 15/03/2014 20:14

yes