Are there any decent men out there ?!

[lemonbabe]

I'm in my early 40's and separated. At first I was quite excited by the thought of meeting a normal, loving man and building a future together. Fastforward a couple of years down the line and a trail of failed relationships/dates and I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with men. It seems virtually impossible to meet someone who's not already taken, gay or mentally unstable. Is it the age ? Is is modern life ? Is it men being @rses ? Or all of the above ? It's hard being a single parent, doing everything alone. Friends are great of course but I'd love to meet someone special. I just feel too young to throw in the towel and begin imagining the rest of my life alone. Anyone feeling the same ?

[MamaPingu]

Wisey that was helpful just rub it in why don't you?

[akaWisey]

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

My stbxh is already engaged, even though I haven't filed for divorce yet. So he bypasses the whole single thing I guess. Trust me - lucky escape for all of you! I could almost thank her for taking him out of circulation.

[hoboken]

Yes there are but none so nice that I would up my lovely freedom for him.

[tiaramasu]

I have thought for a number of years sadly, that statistically, there are not enough decent men for women by quite some way.
There may be fish in the sea, but not enough decently behaved ones.

[SomewhereBeyondTheSea]

Yeah I'm mid 30s and I've given up on dating. In my experience the men on dating websites just want casual serial monogamy - date for a few weeks, have fun, claim it's not working, move on - and it's so demoralising that I just can't bear it. I know you have to be in it to win it and all that but frankly I've seen the prizes and I've decided my time is better spent elsewhere.
And I never meet men elsewhere, or at least not ones that ask me out.
So I've basically given up. There do seem to be quite a few really great, beautiful, intelligent women out there in the same boat. I too wonder whether it is a sign of the times - we don't 'need' to get married anymore because we're perfectly respectable as we are thankyouverymuch, while for men there is plenty of sex out there and very little reason to commit to anyone.

[bouncyagain]

arsenal is spot on.

I am mid 40s. I had been married for 10 years when ex dw ended it. I met new dp within 2 months. That lasted over 2 years but has now come to an end. She was lovely but it just didn't quite work for a few reasons.

I am back out there. The women have a lot of stuff too. I have one young ds. Realistically it cuts out women the same age who have much older children as I will be doing children things alternate weekends for some years to come. Same for women who are 40 plus with no children - I can't drop everything and go skiing this weekend. Having a child also means my career is not such a priority as if I didn't.

So that leaves women in their late 30s who want a child (but they are often unrealistic about the fact that the decent men their age are off the market) or women in their early 40s with young children. A small pool.

I'm going on a date or two this week. You never know. But I certainly don't want to be single.

[akaWisey]

Well I haven't RTFT and I was trying to be encouraging!

I've been on quite a few dates where the men are saying similar things (and I'm dating men my age, coming up to mid 50's). tbh when we get into that territory I do an inward eye-roll.

It's the ones who come across as happy, confident, articulate, curious, self assured (cocky, even) but not arrogant who make my juices flow (metaphorically speaking). They ARE out there and focussing upon 'time running out' isn't attractive on either side. For me, it's about a meeting of minds as opposed to bodies and that makes the search more meaningful.

Anyone who believes that the pool is diminishing is going to lessen their chances IMO as the focus gets narrow and narrower.

[yourehavingalaugh]

Looking around at my single friends, they are gorgeous, clever, witty, fun! Single men I know?...er, I can't think of any, even at work. But they are all miserable, grumpy, lazy and overweight anyway.

[yourehavingalaugh]

The married ones I mean.

[akaWisey]

So maybe it's actually better to be, and stay, single AND dating? The two are perfectly suited and can make for less discontent.

[VelvetSpoon]

It's a matter of being realistic, the chances of meeting anyone decent are pretty slim - the less fussy you are, the lower your standards, the worse you are at spotting red flags...the greater the numbers of 'available' men. But if you have reasonably strict criteria, you are literally looking for a needle in a haystack.

My married friends are horrified by the fact I am single. Not by the fact of me being single , but because I don't have (nice) men queuing up to date me. Their view is that if I (with a lovely home, teen DC, a good job, and looking -apparently!- very good for my age) can't meet anyone, then they don't know who could, or what on earth men are looking for if I don't fit the bill. Several have said they would hate to find themselves single again, given the apparent lack of men out there.

[oldfashionedgirl]

This sort of thing worries me as even if you meet someone who seems nice they might have all sorts of hidden issues.

[akaWisey]

What is 'decent'? I really think it's crucial to decide what that means.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

well, let's see... For me, decent would include:

• not abusive
• no drinking/drug problems (well, honestly no addiction problems of any sort)
• has a decent work ethic

feel free to add on....

[tiaramasu]

I would say that "decent" would start at that the men didnt just want sex and no relationship.

[VelvetSpoon]

Well, as far as I'm concerned decent is:
intelligent, well-mannered, funny, attractive, solvent, kind, good company...not abusive (in any sense of the word), racist, sexist, homophobic, misogynistic, no issues with drug or alcohol abuse, not threatened or intimidated by successful women, no ongoing baggage from ex wife, not a serial cheat or aspiring cocklodger.

That probably about covers it. Oh, and has to be looking for a relationship too.

[ShineyBlackShoes]

I've been an LP for over 13 years and not dated for over 8 years. I'm in my late 40s and know I'll not meet anyone.
I've got used to that though. I have a very demanding job so home is a place of peace. I do get lonely sometimes but I have books, radio, TV and the internet. Life could be a lot worse.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

see? velvet has it... we're not picky

[akaWisey]

TBH I don't think Velvet is picky at all . As an aside I find those men most attractive who are all those things but not necessarily 'attractive' in the usual sense. I've always chosen men who aren't handsome but who make me go weak in other ways.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

I know lots of nice decent single men.

Sadly, because they are nearly all ugly/bald/overweight/more than 5 years older/short/not wealthy - my friends discount them without giving them a chance.

In fact, I know an absolutely lovely, funny, intelligent, single generous hospital consultant in his 40's who cannot get a date because he commits the cardinal sin of being short.

Women are just as shallow as men it would appear.

[tiaramasu]

I personally dont agree with Velvet's first four criteria. The rest, yes.
But I am married. I purposely dismissed the first four on her list and glad I did.

[bouncyagain]

Yes my experience is that women are obsessed about height. I am not far off 6 foot and I know I get immediately discounted for being under 6 ft. Wtf

[akaWisey]

Well I'd put clean and fresh smelling over height (with or without after shave).

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

How is being short a cardinal sin? I'd rather date a short good man than a tall abusive man any day.