Are there any decent men out there ?!

[lemonbabe]

I'm in my early 40's and separated. At first I was quite excited by the thought of meeting a normal, loving man and building a future together. Fastforward a couple of years down the line and a trail of failed relationships/dates and I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with men. It seems virtually impossible to meet someone who's not already taken, gay or mentally unstable. Is it the age ? Is is modern life ? Is it men being @rses ? Or all of the above ? It's hard being a single parent, doing everything alone. Friends are great of course but I'd love to meet someone special. I just feel too young to throw in the towel and begin imagining the rest of my life alone. Anyone feeling the same ?

[VelvetSpoon]

Interestingly, the only men I've dated in recent years who have gone on to have relationships (most were either when it came down to it not seeking a relationship, or incapable of one for one reason or other) and who have children, are with women who are childless.

[SoleSource]

I'm not dating again. Too many ducked up men out there with children. Ugh. I'm happy single.

[PansBigChainring]

oh prob extra. I'm a NRP and am quite conscious of asking any prospective partner to have to accept that a good deal of my resources will be elsewhere - why should she put up with that when others would be in a better position? ( not that I am 'actively searching at all, just aware of that fact)

[Wrapdress]

I've been reading a bunch of dating books lately - I'm 50, life long single who is thinking about dating now that my one child is an adult. I have learned so much about men and dating reading these books! The Tao of Dating, Get the Guy, Not Your Mother's Rules, Have Him at Hello, etc. I have more hope now, although I haven't actually tried dating yet. I just feel better prepared. I'm happy alone though, so if it doesn't work out, that's ok too.

[MadeMan]

"I'm happy alone though, so if it doesn't work out, that's ok too."

Probably the best way to feel really. If you're generally happy to be on your own then there isn't so much pressure to find someone to pair up with. Meeting somebody then becomes a sort of bonus to your life, rather than being the whole point of your life.

[onlyjoking9329]

I was in a very good relationship with my DH, when he died almost 6 years ago I wasn't at first bothered about another relationship.
Eventually i did meet someone else, he was very understanding about me being a a widow, and that I have three children with autism, we are still together and we couldn't be happier, most of my friends who were widowed have gone on to have successful relationships.
I have some other friends who have not met a man worth keeping.
I don't know what the answer is.

[Darkesteyes]

Apocalypto thats not strictly true that men had to make all the running until 20 years ago Things started to change a lot earlier than that in the 70s to early 80s Dave Allen talks about it here in his Christmas show from 1984.

[lemonbabe]

"Why do you feel the need for a relationship?"

I miss being that special someone for somebody. I cope very well as a single mother. I cook, clean, cut the grass, put pictures up, put furniture together, keep fit, earn a good living, fix small things with my car, socialise, travel, etc, etc.... having a man is not a 'need'. I'm not sure we were meant to be alone on this earth.

I have a problem with sex outside of a loving relationship, and since I love good sex, I'd have to say I also miss that if I'm honest. Sexual needs are part of being a human being as far as I'm concerned.

Then there's the family unit. I miss having the conventional family of mum, dad and the kids, which was my objective if I'm honest.

withextradinosaurs, feelin the same sadness sweetie. My relationship came to an end recently and it left a gaping hole. I've kind of lost hope but maybe not entirely. I still remain open to someone worthwhile coming along, but in the meantime it's all about looking after me ;-) which I'm learning to like... a lot !!

[Darkesteyes]

The hospital consultant sounds lovely.

[flower909]

I like how men who are not attractive are deemed not be "decent".

[MyChildDoesntNeedSleep]

How tall is this consultant?

[MamaPingu]

I think this consultant has a line of dates appearing on this thread haha

He does sound lovely though! I'm not very tall myself so he may be my dream man

[flower909]

The consultant is just one of many men frozen out of the dating scene, I know a guy who is a nice guy, good company, not ugly (not short either), no anger/abusiveness issues, has a reasonable job, but is pretty much doomed to a life of celibacy from a lack of confidence in approaching women.

He tried internet dating but as with most men who sign up gets no messages, and has to compete with 100 other guys for every woman he messages himself. For somebody lacking confidence with women getting ignored 95% of the time soon takes its toll and he gave up.

I would hazard a guess that some women get the impression internet dating is full of losers is because it's the same pool of losers who tick all the superficial criteria who get recycled amongst all the prospective females, and a lot of men never get a look in due to some flaw that prevents them getting out of the starting block.

[FolkGirl]

I'm 5'3. As long as a man is taller than me, I don't really care. All the men in my family are over 6' and, actually, I find that the relationship feels more 'equal' if they're closer in height to me. Otherwise, they tend to adopt the role of 'protector'; which I don't really want.

[FolkGirl]

I know that for me I just want to feel that I'm important to someone.

I know I'm important to my children and that they love me. We are very close.

But it would be nice to know that in that big old world of 7 billion people, or whatever it is, one of them thought I was ok.

[FolkGirl]

You do get some odd sorts OD. I messaged a man when I first joined up. He wasn't especially good looking, but I'm not really fussed about that, we just seemed to have a lot in common.

His messages were often a little negative, but I tried to be lighthearted and not dwell on that (well, I had only just signed up...). I stopped messaging him when he pretty much accused me of taking the piss because he didn't believe "someone like" me would be interested in him.

Sad thing was, I really was/would have been. Some people are their own worst enemies!!

[MamaPingu]

Completely understand what you mean folkgirl.

What I want is what I give to others. I give them respect, my time, my love, my trust, absolutely everything and not in a suffocating way either.
I am just true to them and don't lie, cheat or bully them etc.

But I have never received it from someone else. I've always found out they've cheated, they've belittled me, told me nobody else would want me, insulted everything and everyone I like and made me feel worthless.

Obviously they're wonderful to begin with but over time their jealously or whatever creeps in and I end up depressed

I know for a fact I have a lot to offer and I'm a genuinely kind person. So instead I have decided to give all my love to DS, my parents, close family and friends. And they reciprocate! It's amazing haha

[bouncyagain]

Why be in a relationship? Because I am on my sofa by myself, and I would much rather have someone here with me. Even if she likes marmite.

God I hate marmite.

The height thing: women are absolutely obsessed about it. Personally, I really like short women. But I couldn't actually care less. I want to meet someone to engage with. I don't care if she is an inch taller than me when wearing heels. The obsession women have about height - and I am 5'10" - makes me wish I was gay. It is unbelievably shallow. It's as bad as men being obsessed about the size of a woman's chest. That hospital consultant mentioned above stands no chance. In my experience, the vast majority of women would prefer a complete shit, as long as he is taller.

[Darkesteyes]

bouncy im a woman who loves these things in a man......

Compassion.
humour.
insightfulness open mindedness. intelligence. And a willingness to show affection. Must be passionate ( i couldnt tolerate another sexless relationship.)

Thats my checklist and its all i want.

[Darkesteyes]

And i have seen MNers who internet date say on this very board that they come across men who want (quote) "nothing over a size 12"

[lemonbabe]

The father of my kids is tiny. I'd made the decision that he was for me based upon him being dynamic, fun, assertive, sporty, successful, etc.

My last BF was overweight and no oil painting - I was attracted by his intelligence, humour and warm nature.

Both of the above turned out to be complete @r$es and when I think about it the best relationship behaviour has come from my better looking BFs.

It's not because a guy is physically unattractive that he'll be better BF material.

Height for me was never an issue, however, my last BF was taller than I'm used to and I luvvved it so added it to my list of criteria for next BF. That said, baldies, fatties, bad dressers (within reason), all get a look in from me - the physical is not really my first priority when sizing a man up.

[lemonbabe]

... unless of course we're talking about tiny pee-pees ;-)