Are there any decent men out there ?!

[lemonbabe]

I'm in my early 40's and separated. At first I was quite excited by the thought of meeting a normal, loving man and building a future together. Fastforward a couple of years down the line and a trail of failed relationships/dates and I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with men. It seems virtually impossible to meet someone who's not already taken, gay or mentally unstable. Is it the age ? Is is modern life ? Is it men being @rses ? Or all of the above ? It's hard being a single parent, doing everything alone. Friends are great of course but I'd love to meet someone special. I just feel too young to throw in the towel and begin imagining the rest of my life alone. Anyone feeling the same ?

[ParsleyTheLioness]

OP...tis not the size of the ship, but the motion in the ocean...

[ParsleyTheLioness]

In my 50's, my definition of a life partner is not the same as in my 20's and 30's. I have my dd, I am financially ok, I don't believe I will ever marry or even live with anyone again.... I just want to be treated decently, with someone I find attractive. In my case he is short (yes!) overweight, only just solvent. I am a graduate, he is not. But...he treats me well, we get on, he loves me, he appears to be able to keep it in his pants (unlike my XH). He is not abusive (unlike both XH'x) and he thinks I'm the bees knees. So far. You never completely know if this will change, but I have survived it before, and would do again. For now, I am very happy. And that is enough for me.

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

Another one here interested in above-mentioned hospital consultant. I'm only 5'0 so as long as he's taller than me. Doesn't live in Scotland by any chance, does he? ;)

Hi Velvet - I remember you from the dating thread. I haven't been on it for ages and have namechanged since then but love to hear you sounding so positive about yourself!

Lemon I know exactly what you mean. Been divorced for over 2 years now and I know I can cope on my own (I have a toolbox and I know how to use it - and no, that's not a euphamism!). But like you say, I'm not sure we're meant to be alone. I don't know if I ever want to get married again, or even live with someone, but I do want someone to love and care about and to care about me. It's just lonely, despite 2 great kids and some wonderful friends.

As for the widower thing - I dated one (well, I use the word 'dated' loosely!) very briefly. He was only after sex and wasn't very good at that. Fed up with the online thing. I don't have the patience for all the crap that comes with it. I keep asking my friends to set me up with someone lovely but sometimes I worry that it's never going to happen.

[Ikeameatballs]

I'm 35 and have been essentially single for a year.

Had a few dates last year but no sex then had a lovely fling for two months with a guy I met on Tinder . He's a nice guy but I ended it as I really couldn't see a successful LTR from it and I think that's where it was going although it started as no-strings fun.

Now just got back OD, hoping to meet someone nice but feeling so much more confident in myself.

[Ikeameatballs]

I really wish there was some sort of rating/review system for partners, a bit like eBay/Amazon. I'd give my fling guy really good feedback as he seemed lovely but just genuinely after something different to me. Ex-p on the other hand....

[RandomInternetStranger]

I'm definitely heterosexual but I really don't like men anymore!! Lol! I mean I have never found a man I can tolerate for a significant amount of time or for an extended number of years. They all seem to be either liars or cheats or users, violent, drunks, chauvinists, immature, irresponsible, selfish, weak, or whatever else to an extent it's a deal-breaker. Even male friends, I've given up! I used to have loads of male friends and get on so much better with them but every single one ends up trying it on with me, usually in an aggressive or whiney way and both are equally off putting, and ruining the friendship. I'm just not putting myself through it all anymore. I don't know if it's just my luck or if I am just some sort of magnet for arseholes but I have given up entirely on men now. To the extent that I've decided I am not going to meet Mr Right, and even if I did I am so bloody damaged now that I won't trust him or allow myself to get emotionally close to him and will make the poor sod's life a living hell so there's absolutely no point in starting anything again with anyone and therefore have decided to have a baby entirely on my own and stop wasting my time looking for someone I can tolerate long enough to have one with and then have to put up with the loser for the rest of my life for the child, no way I'm doing that again. I'm sure good men are out there somewhere, I've not met one yet but they must be, somewhere, I mean my girlfriends and female family members are hapoy with their men, but I've given up trying to find them, maybe my expectations are unreasonably high but I really don't think they are (for example I liked the last guy I was seeing but he went online and asked a mother in my daughter's class who he'd never met if she'd have a threesome with us!! The one before that sponged off me for 6 months and had me paying his kids' maintenance constantly promising to pay me back whilst he spent all day gambling online and watching football instead of getting a job! The one before that smacked my head into a brick wall and threw me down the stairs, tried to strangle me etc. The one before that cheated constantly, the one before that lied constantly... I really donâ??t think it unreasonable to expect men not to do those things!). If I want sex I can get it, if I want company, comfort, social life or conversation I have my girls and family, if I need "man's jobs" doing round the house I have my Dad, neighbours, friends' other halves or I can pay someone. I have managed to make men as partners completely obsolete in the last 4 years and actually I'm a lot happier for it.

[Darkesteyes]

Yes like THAT wouldnt get abused.

[Darkesteyes]

My last post was referring to the ratings/review system.

[Backonthefence]

A rating/review system would be a two way street you sure you would want that?

[FolkGirl]

I mean my girlfriends and female family members are hapoy with their men

I wonder about this sometimes...

I have friends and family members who are happy with their partners/husbands however, there are still behaviours and 'red flags' that would be deal breakers for me (including friendships with women that would certainly cross my line and anger) and I include a close friend and my SIL in that, so I know these people pretty well.

[Lazyjaney]

"A rating/review system would be a two way street you sure you would want that?"

Imagine what would happen if you got rated 5 stars or whatever, youse be deluged.

IMO it's likely there's a small component of decent ones of both sexes doing OD at any one time, who have to kiss some frogs before they learn how to recognise one another. You dont want all the no hopers to see it too.

[starsandunicorns]

I was a lp for 5 1/2 years and really hated the sitting on the sofa by myself I do think it stemmed from being builled as a teenager my self steam went up and down by the 5 th year I had the feeling noone would want me I had 2 years of no dates no intrest nothing but I was ok with that stopped looking then 6months later met my dp a old work colleauge didnt think anything would come of it but it did im very luckey

[QuietTiger]

They are out there. I was single for years - right through my late 20's & 30's following a very nasty DV relationship in my early 20's (the guy actually used to stub his cigarettes out on my shoulder and I put up with it for 5 months - WTF was I thinking!! ) and subsequently, after that, a demanding job with very long hours.

I eventually became happy on my own, had my own life, a fantastic twat radar, hobbies and interests, although I was very lonely (if that makes sense).

Very cliched, but when I was 37, a friend introduced me to a single friend of hers who she thought I might get on with. Initially, it was to help me control and manage my new collie around livestock, as he was a farmer in his 40's who had sheep dogs. He really wasn't my type. (Or so I thought.)

I certainly wasn't looking for a relationship, especially after the string of dodgy online dates and wierdo dates that I'd had and most certainly not with a farmer in his 40's who was still single. 5 years on and my farmer friend and I will have been very happily & blissfully married for 4 years this year.

The good ones are out there.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Plenty of stories to be told by guys looking for "decent women" too. I'd like to know where they are.

My own personal favourite is the first person I met through online dating. After many seemingly successful dates she went back to her ex. Whom she had split up with twice because he treated her so appallingly. She actually told me she was only dating me to see if she still had feelings for him. Nice.

[MamaPingu]

Changed my mind about the consultant, I'm most likely too young for him and I'd bore him to death

Then again someone said further down "some men seem to think they deserve a ten years younger super model".
I can do the ten years younger bit most likely not sure about looking like a supermodel...

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

I've not changed my mind! C'mon NotSuchASmugMarriedNow - details please?

[susiedaisy]

Quiet tiger. What a lovely happy ending to your story.

[susiedaisy]

Has anyone got anything positive to say about match affinity ??

[SomewhereBeyondTheSea]

Am liking the sexy farmer story - thanks Quiet Tiger *

[Grumpasaurus]

I believe that there are good, decent, honest men out there, without a doubt. I went through a heap of shit with a long string of cunts, finally looked at my role in allowing myself to be treated like that, and then found my lovely husband.

He is short, balding, and a bit chubby! But he has the kindest face in the world, the biggest heart, and he is always good to me, even in the hard times. He never played games, still doesn't, and although he sees my flaws very clearly, he helps me accept and work on them, rather than using them to his advantage and belittling me. He also is open to me doing the same for him.

My advice: Don't settle. Don't compromise on the things that are important, but be willing to re-consider your priorities. Look for the kindness in someone's eyes, and don't ignore red flags. In fact, I joke that I now have a zero tolerance policy for bull shit. I think it helps :-).

[lemonbabe]

I have friends and family members who are happy with their partners/husbands however, there are still behaviours and 'red flags' that would be deal breakers for me...

FOLKGIRL, I agree 100%. I look around and see bad men in relationships all over the shop. I hear my own GFs who are shacked up with OHs, moaning all the time about them playing video games in their spare time, extreme laziness, disrespect, lack of effort, etc etc. I for one wouldn't enteratain a lot of them.

I know that I'm not looking for Mr. Right - he's a bloody myth !!! I'm looking for Mr. Normal. I've had my fill of Mr. Selfish, Mr. Nutter and Mr. Minimum Effort - Mr. Normal would do me fine.

Thank God, we are all different, which means we're looking for different things and we'll put up with different things.

QUIETTIGER: I love your story. Makes me think I should get a dawg. The fact that I'm allergic is neither here nor there....

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

Do I have to get a dog and some cows or can I just get the dog?

[MamaPingu]

The farmer story is lovely

When I see men walking dogs they all seem quite friendly and nice. I suppose it's because their not sat on their arse at home?
I'm planning on getting a dog when DS is at least 5. Conveniently I'll have finished my degree by then so maybe I'll meet some dashing dog walking man?!

[KidsDontThinkImCool]

I loved Harry ! My divorce lawyer was already married.

There's a guy who I see running with his dog sometimes when I go for a run on a Sunday morning. I may have to fake a sprained ankle to get him to talk to me.