Are there any decent men out there ?!

[lemonbabe]

I'm in my early 40's and separated. At first I was quite excited by the thought of meeting a normal, loving man and building a future together. Fastforward a couple of years down the line and a trail of failed relationships/dates and I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with men. It seems virtually impossible to meet someone who's not already taken, gay or mentally unstable. Is it the age ? Is is modern life ? Is it men being @rses ? Or all of the above ? It's hard being a single parent, doing everything alone. Friends are great of course but I'd love to meet someone special. I just feel too young to throw in the towel and begin imagining the rest of my life alone. Anyone feeling the same ?

[akaWisey]

Doesn't diss my interests if they don't interest him. Another important one, acceptance of difference.

[Lazyjaney]

Looking at the people I know, it's the reasonable men and women who find long term partners from online dating, and what is left are the men chasing nymphettes and the women looking for Mr Right-in-every-way.

[akaWisey]

It's interesting how the definitions of decency broaden and veer, perhaps inevitably, to appearance.

Thing is the things we rate as important often don't surface until two, three, more dates down the line (although the chap who, on Friday night told me he only poo's once a week, shared a little too much of something I'd NEVER want to know )

[homeanddry]

A quick run-through of male friends and acquaintances who are or were single at one time or another in their late 30s/early40s reveals a collection of cheats, commitment-phobes, men who were cheated on, serial monogamists and alcoholics.

Of those, the cheated-on guys are the only ones I'd consider to be relationship material. All lovely men, and all snapped up sharpish by lucky divorcees in their 40s who were in the right place at the right time.

[akaWisey]

Yeah home I reckon it has a lot to do with chance, being in the right place and the right time, in every sense of the words.

[Dahlen]

I met my current BF through work. Prior to that I had been single for years following the split from my DC's father. I'm probably slightly different to most of you in that I had decided I didn't want a relationship. I wasn't actively looking for someone, which might alter my perception. I never tried OD for example.

During those single years, I came across several single men. The vast majority - overwhelmingly - had what I considered major faults. Maybe I'm picky, but I find sexist traditional views about women and "my X is a bitch" lines very off-putting, as I do long-term unemployment with on good reason for it, substance abusers (however legal those substances may be). I got chatted up many times in those years. Out of those men I'd say three were decent men. I wasn't interested though but they would have made good partners and I know that two of them are now happily married.

Timing has a lot to do with it. BF and I have moved in overlapping circles for some time, but never met each other in all that time. Probably just as well because we both had partners in the early years, and in latter years when I was single, he was still married (happily for most of it). We met through work about 18 months after he and his XW split. I registered he was attractive but still wasn't interested as I've always loved being single. However, after many drinks and conversations one thing led to another and the mental click combined with chemistry - which is in itself a very rare combination - convinced me to give it a try.

We could just as easily never met each other or met at a time when we had no choice but to be friends only. And I would still be single.

[SomewhereBeyondTheSea]

You know what though, I don't mean to make light of horrible domestic violence situations, but I have to admit that some of the threads I read on MN from married/attached women do make me thank my lucky stars that I am single ...

[withextradinosaurs]

Alice, they call it Short Man Syndrome - some short men are fine, others never miss a chance to have a dig. Like my ex. Said he was fine with the fact I was 4 inches taller than him. Actually hated it. And height is one of the few things you can do nothing about.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Interesting - I've never heard of that. I certainly wouldn't rule someone out because they were short. A bad attitude is something else though.

[lemonbabe]

In all fairness, I have heard men say the same thing of women and the whole dating scene. And as much as I know some lovely women who are single and looking for love - some are pretty messed up too.

I absolutely agree that a good man will not stay on the market long - by definition I suppose. 2 cases I know: widow got snapped up in 3 months by some broad that'd been single 8 years - can't begrudge her bagging him after all that time !!! Another LF, DH dumped her after 20 yrs of marriage, for a younger model of course !! She found love less than a year later with a friend who'd recently been widowed.

The motto of the story seems to be- WFTW (wait for the widows) ;-)

[PansBigChainring]

This is odd - reading the 'decent' qualifying list I know very well 3 other men who def. qualify but have been single for various but lengthy periods of time. Largely, I think it's a problem of not being in places to meet other single people ( in an unconscious, unplanned environment) and also making an assumption that all the decent, eligible women are already taken.

[withextradinosaurs]

Dating widowers can be very difficult. You need rock-solid self esteem, because he will miss his wife every day. And sometimes tell you this.

[Apocalypto]

You have to consider that a lot of newly single people in their late 30s / 40s have been damaged by their last relationship and will spot and give short bloody shrift to anyone who looks remotely like a repeat.

They can spot a bad 'un a mile off and wouldn't lightly return to that.

As for having loads of friends we think are charming and funny, well, it's not each other we need to impress.

Men in their 40s now typically grew up in a time when they had to make all the running and it was women who were in demand. This has changed only recently. 20 years ago it was pretty unheard of for a woman to aska bloke out IME. That has changed but if you have been in a relationship since then, how would you know?

My old university was 2 men to 1 woman when I was there; it's now reversed. I think between not wanting another divorce and being in demand there is very little reason for a man in his 30s or 40s to bother with another relationship, especially if he has already done the kids thing and particularly with someone who has not.

[Lazyjaney]

"They can spot a bad 'un a mile off and wouldn't lightly return to that"

IME those newly out of long term relationships have antennae and expectations that are seriously skewed.

Quite a few divorced men with kids have also told me they will never get married again owing to the financial risks.

[expatinscotland]

Why do you feel the need for a relationship?

[withextradinosaurs]

I guess the advantage of going out with a parent is that you would expect to have similar experiences. But you might differ massively over discipline or how much pocket money or whether they can play Grand Theft Auto.

I have just failed in my third attempt at a serious relationship, I have given up hope. This makes me sad.

[PansBigChainring]

miss, yes separated men with dcs do prefer to out with women with children, unless it's just a wham-bam they are looking for.
OTOH, I'd doubt if childless women would prefer to go out with a man with dependent children.

[withextradinosaurs]

Companionship, shared goals, someone to help lift the other end of the sofa, someone to take turns with if you're driving a long way. Because single women are seen as husband stealers. Because walking into the party alone, every single time, needs bigger balls than I possess.

[withextradinosaurs]

Depends why they are childless, Pam.

[withextradinosaurs]

Pan, sorry.

[MadeMan]

"And as much as I know some lovely women who are single and looking for love - some are pretty messed up too. "

I have an older friend in his late forties that claims he only seems to meet alcoholic 40-something women who end up treating him as some kind of social worker for their problems. These are women he has met and dated through his day-to-day life, not through online dating sites.