Wife wants children but I don't

[hubster]

Really sorry for long post!

Hello. I'm 27 and my DW is 31. DW and I have been happily married for 6 years. We've always said from the start that we both wanted children, about 3 of them. We've been ttc for about 7 years now. Because I have almost non-existent sperm, we would have had to go down the IVF route.

We both have depression of varying degrees and it seems to run in my side of the family.

The last few months, my views on being a dad have gradually been changing. I hadn't said anything as I was hoping my feelings would change.

Last week we looked after my 8 mo nephew for a week. I disliked it after the second day and all it seems to have done is bring right into my awareness that I absolutely don't want children of my own any more. Don't get me wrong, I like children. My nephew we looked after is the smileyest, happiest little child who sleeps right through from 8 pm - 7 am.

So, I told DW the day before yesterday. She of course is devistated. She spent the night at a friends house. Yesterday, DW came home. We had a chat about it and I explaied why my reasons had changed etc., but that I still love her.

By wife doesn't want to split but also really wants a baby. I think we should split. Here's why:

Stay together - No baby
Wife resents me for denying her a baby. Every time she meets with her friends and sees them with their DC, she just gets angrier and bitter towards me. I feel guilty for not wanting to have a child. DW up leaving while she still has a good chance of having children.

Stay together - Baby
I resent DW for having child. I start to become more disconnected and depressed. I feel trapped and leave. Feel guilty which leads to worse depression, possibly OD'ing again (

sorry, not read thread

hubster

sorry you are in this situation.
I have just one thing to add - how you feel about other people's children (even if own nephew!) is in no way a reflection or glimpse into how you will feel about having your own child!
It's true, sometimes I don't like my own kids because of their behaviour, but I love them all so much and there's no way I could ever have predicted just how much I would love them!
it's unimaginable.
I do hope and wish that you will experience that love one day so I really want to say don't give up.

(of course if that baby is not biologically yours that might be another challenge to overcome.)

all the best

Its interesting that you gave up on the hope of being a father because of difficulty trying to conceive. Of course its possible that you have simply changed your mind about having children having thought about what it involves more seriously. But it could be a way of protecting yourself from the pain of infertility and trying to avoid guilt at not being able to provide your wife with children.

I'm not saying that is an invalid reason for not wanting to TTC, but you can see that it would change how your wife interpreted the situation.

Lesser as someone who suffered/s from anxiety myself but have improved since DS's birth, I both understand that point of view and feel sad that you are experiencing such guilt. None of us are or can be perfect parents, we are all human, having anxieties doesn't invalidate your life or your children's. I am asthmatic, I hope it is a trait that DS doesn't inherit, and I've tried to reduce this risk by breastfeeding and waiting till 6 months to introduce solids, but he may get it anyway. I want him to be healthy and mentally well of course but it would have been drastic IMO to not have children for fear of passing these traits on.

The OP has every right to not want kids at 27. He is still young, he has 20 years plus to change his mind. His DW needs to conceive much sooner if she wants kids. He's doing the right thing.

The whole ttc cycle is a bitch. It's probably one of the most stressful things I ever went through. Even though you stop trying to time it and have a laissez - faire attitude it's still lurking in the back of your mind, this tiny grain of hope. Every month for two weeks you try to be nonchalant only to have the realisation that no, yet again it wasn't successful. You feel like an abject failure, unable to do this most basic thing which seems so easy for everyone else. Your dh looks at you helplessly, so sad, and you both go into a spiral of hating your bodies and yourselves that you can't create a life.

It's really soul destroying. The above was our scenario and I totally don't know if that is the same for you of course. Trying for a baby really drove a wedge between us and I hated that we lost the essence of what made us such an awesome couple. Just going through that was so awful we decided we would not go the ivf route as it would probably have broken me again mentally.

Infertility = stress = disaster for people living with mental health issues. It must be so hard for you both right now and your health has to be a priority.

Ttc I found all consuming and I could never switch off even when we were in the 'not actively trying' phase. I eventually came to terms with the fact that a) it wasn't going to happen and b) the whole experience had put my dh off having kids. It was making me so ill mentally again my dh put his foot down. We worked through it together and took time to refocus our lives back on ourselves. It was tough and painful but ultimately made us stronger as a couple.

Couples who go for ivf are so brave. It is not something I could do. That you and your wife have even considered it is a big step. The whole journey of trying for a baby can split couples up. It's so difficult :(

I completely understand why something like a vasectomy will give you closure that the possibility of being a dad is done for once and for all so you can move on. You and your wife sound like you communicate well? There are other ways in which you can both get closure on the whole Ttc thing that doesn't require you to have an operation. Charting, for example, is a brilliant way of contraception and totally natural.

It would be most valuable I think for you both to spend some time on yourselves. If the love is still there for each other (and it sounds like it is), refocus on what made you so good as a couple. Get healthy, eat healthy, have fun again. Book a holiday. We got a dog, for example, who is the daftest creature but adorable and a complete positive focus for us.

Seek advice as to whether it's OK to have counselling for this and talk it through with your respective doctors too. It doesn't matter how silly it seems, or how personal. There are nuances in our thoughts and behaviour that we may think are totally normal and in actual fact it's the illness talking. Our psychiatrists can pick up on this. Took me ages to be completely open but it helps in the whole process of self management of a mental illness.

Another long ramble, sorry. Just thoughts for you. My dh and I were in such a similar position. And I'm working on the basis that there is something to be saved from your relationship :) it seems like your wife loves you very much and wants it to work, and that you still love her. As a pp said it's very good that you want to address this rather than ignore it.

lazyjaney she is only 31. It is not as if we hit our 30s and all of a sudden half our eggs disappear every month. I'm pretty sure if the have been ttc for all this time they are aware of the statistics. There is plenty of time for them both to talk it out and find another path through this. If that is what they want. And it does not sound as if the DW would rather have kids with someone else, but wants to stay with the OP.

No one is disputing any age issue on his part or that the op is wrong to not want kids, just that a combination of factors may have led to a decision that something as final as a vasectomy is not necessarily the best approach right now.

Where I live women over 40 having children is completely normal. There is none of the freaking out over age that I see back in the UK.

hubster, spiritedwolf's post is spot on, particularly her first paragraphs.

I am ironically pregnant now - I didn't want to go into it earlier but I X posted, sorry. It was a complete shock particularly as I had previously had a mc that landed me back in hospital under suicide watch and was so sure this wasn't on the cards for us. I had accepted being childless and was really content with things. The point where I mc was when dh said no more. He would rather have me than lose me to some amorphous concept of a child. I wonder if your DW feels the same too, albeit at that conclusion for different reasons.

I'm so worried of passing on my bipolar. Half my family seems bonkers and I'm convinced my genes will fail me! But you could say that about any illness, physical or mental. spiritrdwolf is quite right to say that concern over passing on any health issue should not be a deciding factor.

I'll stop now :)

Have a baby ... You might surprise yourself how easily you can fall in love with your own baby.

I was an unwanted pregnancy.My mum was persuaded to have me by my father & her brothers, "you'll love it" "you won't regret it"

She wanted the pregnancy to end that much, that she tried to induce a miscarriage.

She obviously had me. She didn't love me, she does regret having me. She loved my (older) siblings & I lived in that for 18yrs.

We haven't talked 20yrs, with no sign of a resolution on the cards. It has left a huge hole in my life & has seriously screwed with my idea of relationships & my self esteem.

What you are suggesting is ridiculous!

different

I'm so sorry to hear your story. just heartbreaking.

It's going to have a much smaller impact on your life than hers.

Bloody hell! Listen to yourself!! What a stupid thing to say.

You have put her in a heartbreaking position because she obviously actually loves you and I think you are acting very selfishly.

I cannot get my head around the thinking that not wanting a baby is selfish. Of course it isn't!!

ZingSweetMango Thank you. Luckily I have great friends who have helped me so much over the years.

livingzuid Congratulations! DH and I were TTC for almost 6 years before I got pregnant (not always in an actively trying phase, but didn't use contraception all that time). Its a heart wrenching situation and as we didn't have it properly investigated (I had decided I would lose weight first, because I didn't think the GP would help unless I lost weight, and I was only halfway to my weight loss goal when I got pregnant) we didn't have the definite guilt of one or other of us being 'to blame' though I did have irregular cycles.

I didn't believe I was pregnant at first and I spent the whole pregnancy thinking that something might go wrong because I didn't believe I could have a healthy baby, and I was very anxious about SIDS during the period babies are most at risk because it seemed impossible good luck that I'd get to keep him.

I realise all this uncertainty could have been quite negative, but actually my MH has improved so much, because I was so determined to appreciate every moment of being pregnant and having a baby. So I've learned to live in the moment so much more. I'm much happier. I'm not anxious about rushing him to his next milestone as many first time parents are.

We do want to have more children, but we haven't started TTC yet because it is stressful. That's another reason why I revelled in the baby stage with DS incase we don't win the lottery again.

I'm sorry, I know its no use to hear this if you have fertility problems. It is so hard, it affects everything so much.

Good luck OP and OP's wife in your future, whether that's together or apart, with children or without. There is no easy answers, just be kind to one another.

Differentname you've not said why you think what I said is wrong just said a lot of meaningless insults

I'm appalled by the "oh go on, have a baby" posts, especially at the suggestions that not wanting and not having children is somehow more "selfish" than having a child you don't want.

There has been some excellent advice on this thread, but one thing that hasn't been said is the possibility (in fact I'd say likelihood) that the OP's wife is desperate for the relationship not to end because she is betting on him changing his mind.

From her PoV, the options are go out alone into the great unknown, not knowing whether she will be able to find another partner with whom she wants children in the time she has left (although I agree 31 is no age at all), or stick with a man she loves, and hope that he'll change his mind again or an "accident" will happen. If you didn't change your mind and there were no children, you could end up in a very bad place ten yours from now.

FWIW, I think her "option 4" or whatever it is is very melodramatic. She sounds quite emotionally immature. It's fine that she wants children, but she needs to accept that you're an autonomous person with needs and aspirations of your own, distinct from your role as her husband. Ultimately this is her decision as much as it's yours, and she needs to take a more measured approach to making it.

OP, I'd get contraception sorted sharpish, while the two of you decide what to do.

Let me spell it out itsbetterthanabox- you said "You might surprise yourself how easily you can fall in love with your own baby".

However, as differentname has said and demonstrated based on her own experiences, NOT EVERYONE FALLS IN LOVE EASILY (OR AT ALL) WITH THEIR BABY. This is a false assumption usually made by people who have had that "rush of love", which again NOT EVERYONE GETS. So, to go ahead with a baby when you don't really want one on the off-chance you are "surprised" by how you fall in love is IRRESPONSIBLE.

Sorry for the capitals but this assumption really annoys me.

Cheesestraws I did not say that. You are quoting someone else.

If everyone fell in love with their baby and became a good parent then I'd be out of a job and the Relationship board would be practically empty
My parents loved me very very much- but they both had serious mental health issues which impacted on me right throughout my childhood, and memories still haunt me now. it wasn't their fault but having a child does not 'cure' depression, anymore than falling in love does.
I am also wondering whether this spell of mental wellness is allowing you to make choices for the first time in your life? You mention you alwasy thought it would be 'when'- perhaps being able to see a future allowes you to feel more empowered?

OP - I don't think it's at all unusual to have a bit of a 'quarter life crisis' and to change your mind and to change direction in life in your late 20s. It happened to a whole lot of my friends and to me as well: job changes, marriage, divorce, sexuality changes, returns to uni, moves to a different part of the country, deciding to have kids or not to have kids... it can take many forms. I think it's especially pressing these days because of the weight of student debt and high house prices, which mean that we tend to be pushed into what we think is right in our late teens, only to find that we've grown into a different person altogether by our late twenties.

What I will say is that it takes quite a bit of time to figure out what's right for you. So take that time and maybe think about about to is not as an isolated decision but as part of a holistic picture of how you want your life to look in future. At you doing the right job, in the right place? Do you have things you'll really regret if you miss out on doing them? If there are things you'd change, figure out how. A life coach and/or counselling can be super helpful in figuring it all out.

You and your wife have a good few years ahead to make decisions about this. You may change your mind, you may not. Right now, I'd say: don't rush.

Apologies itsbetter

itsbetterthanabox Other people have objected to what you said, so they have pretty much covered it, I won't repeat it.

Well my ex didn't want dd but I did and dd is fine. Ex is long gone. Op just split up for both your sakes.

I think you are trying to make the best of a difficult situation. I too have a long history of depression. I had my first son unplanned but wanted. Personally, it has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

I had trouble connecting, plus difficult baby and bad PND. Whist I love him, everyday I have to force myself to smile and I know deep down I shouldn't have had kids.

I think it would make more sense to discuss this on a board with fathers. Mothers experience of child rearing is completely different both biologically and socially. It isn't comparable.

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you all. Thank you for the varied views.

The main reason I came to ask this on a board with a large amount on mums and mtb is so that I could hopefully receive suggestions and ideas that were potentially opposite to mine. I'm very aware that I can't think of every eventuality.

My wife and I have had another chat on Sunday. I sent her links to two threads on the MSE forums about the same situation ahead is now facing. Unfortunately she viewed this as me trying to pressure her into making a decision. She also said that she can't imagine never being a mother.

I went and talked to one of her BF about it. She advised me to not discuss it with DW any more, that she would talk when she's ready.

Unfortunately, I'm finding this advice very difficult to follow. I can see my wife is upset and my natural inclination is to talk to her to help her out. But my wife has also said that she'll talk to me about it when she is ready. So I am currently finding it really difficult to be demonstrably loving towards her as, for me, talking and trying to help is part of that.

My current plan is to save up some pennies and move out in a couple of months because we can't continue to live like this, especially with our MH issues. She doesn't know this yet otherwise she'll feel I'm just deliberately being cruel to her.

Hubster