Wife wants children but I don't

[hubster]

Really sorry for long post!

Hello. I'm 27 and my DW is 31. DW and I have been happily married for 6 years. We've always said from the start that we both wanted children, about 3 of them. We've been ttc for about 7 years now. Because I have almost non-existent sperm, we would have had to go down the IVF route.

We both have depression of varying degrees and it seems to run in my side of the family.

The last few months, my views on being a dad have gradually been changing. I hadn't said anything as I was hoping my feelings would change.

Last week we looked after my 8 mo nephew for a week. I disliked it after the second day and all it seems to have done is bring right into my awareness that I absolutely don't want children of my own any more. Don't get me wrong, I like children. My nephew we looked after is the smileyest, happiest little child who sleeps right through from 8 pm - 7 am.

So, I told DW the day before yesterday. She of course is devistated. She spent the night at a friends house. Yesterday, DW came home. We had a chat about it and I explaied why my reasons had changed etc., but that I still love her.

By wife doesn't want to split but also really wants a baby. I think we should split. Here's why:

Stay together - No baby
Wife resents me for denying her a baby. Every time she meets with her friends and sees them with their DC, she just gets angrier and bitter towards me. I feel guilty for not wanting to have a child. DW up leaving while she still has a good chance of having children.

Stay together - Baby
I resent DW for having child. I start to become more disconnected and depressed. I feel trapped and leave. Feel guilty which leads to worse depression, possibly OD'ing again (

Mentally, I'd cope better with splitting than I would with staying and having a constant feeling of guilt for the rest of my married life.

My sister, the mother of my previously mentioned nephew, has also suffered with depression from a young age. She didn't really want a chickpea but felt pressed to do so by societal expectations.

She couldn't conceive naturally so had to have IVF. She didn't expect it to work. But it did first time around. When she found out, her first thought was "Oh crap what have I done!"

This isn't going to happen to me too. I will not have a child who I am not absolutely certain I want.

It may seem like a sudden turn-around in my decision. But it wasn't until a few months ago that I realistically started to look at what would be expected of me as a father. I realise that I should have done this at the start but I was swept along with love and marriage and what is normally expected to happen after marriage. Tbh, I didn't even realise that a "No" was a choice, I just thought the only real choice was a When.

FWIW hubster I don't think you sound cold at all. You sound like you are trying to make rational decisions.

Over dose was a year ago. I'm not looking for judgement or a diagnosis on here. I know I'm not mentally well enough to have DC. I'm not disputing that. I'm just looking for the suggestions for the best way I can handle this or other courses of action I may not have yet considered.

Thank you for all your input so far. x

fideline Thank you. I am trying to be rational. Unfortunately it also makes me seem cold so some, including DW.

It's a horrible situation for both of you. I hope you both find a happy resolution and have great lives. Good luck.

hubster - i do understand your predicament, and i do understand the distancing yourself from the emotions in order to look at it rationally. Can you answer the following;

1. Are you still in love with your wife?
2. Do you respect her right to chose you over the prospect of a child?

I allowed the love of my life to walk out of my life because he valued kids more than he valued me (i was told i could never have kids and then my miracle happened) and it devastated me. I struggled for years over the loss of ever having kids and the man i loved more than anything, but he had the right to have kids if he wanted.

You are very lucky that your wife wants to put her marriage ahead of her desire for children. I am not in the least judging you i promise, but please think hard before you walk away. if she feels she can live with her decision then who are you to deny her that? iyswim

How would you feel if your DW met someone else and had a child with them?

How would you feel without your DW in your life?

So, is your wife willing to give it a go with you without DC - is that what she's saying? Or is she just afraid that breaking up with you may lead to no DC with anyone else and then she'll have lost you for nothing? If so, I think that's a fair concern, but that's a decision she must make for herself. There is no hurry, of course, and if Relate is your starting point, I think it's a good one for exploring all the various options.

mymiraclebuba
Yes I do still love my wife.

Yes, I do realise that DW has the right to choose me over having DC. However, I also have to consider my own MH too. And I think that if she chose this and I went with it, my own feelings of guilt would destroy me. Literally. And this time I wouldn't end up in a MH hospital. My sister also thinks it would send me this way too. I haven't told DW this yet as I don't want her to feel I'm forcing her into an option. Splitting up would be something I could cope with.

I think you don't care much about your wife. If you love her and you know having a child is important to her and you told her you wanted children then I don't understand why you have changed your mind.
Tbh women almost always are the main caregiver for children and they carry and birth the child. It's going to have a much smaller impact on your life than hers.
You have put her in a heartbreaking position because she obviously actually loves you and I think you are acting very selfishly.

ok, so have you considered marriage counselling so that you can discuss all these options in a neutral forum?

I do understand why you feel splitting up is the best all round option and in part i do agree with you, but i think if you love her and she wants to have her marriage at the expense of children then you owe it to her to at least try and deal with your feelings if that makes sense?

itsbetterthanabox
I respect your opinion but I strongly disagree with your conclusions.

bubba
Yes, we are going to see if Relate can help us with this.

itsbetterthanabox - what a crock of shite! no child deserves to be born unwanted by one or other parent! your comments are ill informed and less than helpful

hubster that is great!! just make sure that you go with an open mind, don't go with the view to making your wife see it from your pov

bubba
Thank you :)

itsbetterthan, that's outrageous!! Having a child (or not) isn't something you can just compromise over, like whether to paint the living room orange. Nor is it as easily undone. It's a huge, permanent decision that will affect every area of life for maybe the next 20 years. And a lesser impact doesn't necessarily mean a small impact, either. If having a child isn't a massive thing for both parents, they're doing it wrong.

'I don't understand why you have changed your mind.
Tbh women almost always are the main caregiver for children and they carry and birth the child. It's going to have a much smaller impact on your life than hers.'

Tell that to my dh, who has major mental health issues. We have had one child. He loves him dearly but it is not easy, for either of us. He is a SAHD as he is not well enough to work, and I have to work full-time. Not really our first choices in either case.

I agree with Hansie, I think the change in your sexual feelings is linked to your ADs. And although I hate to suggest something so painful to you, I also think that your description of a slow realisation of something is a little like how negative things 'dawn' on my husband as he enters a depressive phase, and he feels like he has been feeling them for months.

I guess what I am saying is much what others are saying- be honest with your dw, as you are, take a little time to discuss your feelings and medication with your psychiatrist, see Relate, and then talk more with your dw. And don't let her get away with being anything less than honest about her own feelings.

hubster this is all very difficult for you I imagine. I sympathise with your position completely. Reading through some of your responses I've just got a few thoughts to share with you.

Under no circumstances should you be trying for a child right now. For me it's not to do with whether you want to do it or not but that you aren't in a place to make any life changing decisions. There is actually no hurry for you or your DW to decide anything. She is still plenty young enough to not need to stress about the fertility window.

If you have been ttc for seven years that is hugely stressful. You both need to take a break from the whole pregnancy thing and focus on each other first.

You say you have only been seeing your psychiatrist for a year. It's great you get to see him every month and that it's a short space of time should not matter. Please mention the correlation between loss of sex drive and your lack of interest in having children. It could be the pressure of having sex at the right time every month and so on is contributing to the lack of interest but it is worth mentioning to be sure it is nothing more sinister.

It's more concerning that you want to all of a sudden make big life changes in a relatively short space of time - vasectomy, ending your marriage, detaching etc. This is why I think it worth discussing all with your psychiatrist to make sure it is nothing to do with your mental health. I have to separate out life decisions sometimes and analyse my motivations for doing something before going ahead and doing it - is it driven by my illness or is it actually a genuine reflection of my circumstances?

Talking it all through with your doctor, a neutral third party, will greatly help.

Hang on in there with the wait for a psychologist. Psychotherapy is deep intensive therapy that looks at why you react to things a certain way and what those triggers are. It's far more intensive than CBT and sometimes very challenging but hugely worthwhile. CBT is a short burst of sessions but Psychotherapy can last some time.

There is one other thing which only a couple of posters have picked up on and that is the fact you are not respecting your wife's position in all of this. It isn't your decision to make on her behalf if she should be with you or not. She is a grown woman able to decide whether being with you is something she wants more than children. I sound harsh I know, but it isn't fair for you to make that choice for her. If you love her then you will respect that she wants to be with you much more. She can imagine a life without kids but not a life without you. It is her choice to stay, not yours. Unless you don't love her enough to want to work through this?

It's not normal to make arbitrary decisions of this magnitude for someone else and actually the talk of guilt and ignoring your wife's wishes on that makes me think you need to go and talk this through with your doctor sooner rather than later. I would also hold fire on relate until you seek advice from your psychiatrist. Sometimes this type of counselling can hinder rather than help if you have a pre existing mental illness so it's best to check it's OK to do first before spending the money.

Fwiw my dh and I were struggling to conceive. At no point would I ever have picked leaving him to find someone to have kids with. I thought he would leave me to have kids with someone else as I wasnt able to provide him with the family he wanted. He was horrified and heartbroken that, in his words, I thought so little of him.

If you lurk on the pregnancy threads you'll see there are loads of women who are having babies and not at all convinced, even though it's too late for us by this stage. So you aren't alone in your concern.

Sorry for the epicly long post. Lots of things resonated with me last. It's entirely your decision as to what you want to do with your life. Just don't do anything hasty right now. Discuss it with your doctors. Talk to your wife. Do nice things together and forget about babies and that pressure. It's easy to lose sight of you in all of this. Time is on your side.

And sorry should also have said there is nothing wrong either if you don't want children. That's absolutely fine too of course. Plenty of couples reach this realisation and are able to work through it together. Your wife obviously loves you and I wonder if you feel unworthy of receiving that somehow? With my armchair psychology hat on, I just wonder why is it easier for you to live without her and still love her rather than work through the guilt with her by your side? No need to answer :) just musing out loud.

You don't have a crystal ball to see into the future. Why would she be happier with some other strange man's children? She might, and probably does, prefer the thought of being with you and no kids rather than just producing offspring to fill some maternal need that will, in time, pass anyway. She will still have the man of her dreams ie you and anything else is a bonus.

Please don't buy that concept that women want children at all cost, including leaving their partners for someone else if said partner is not willing to or able to reproduce. Most of us are not like that at all.

Just don't rush into anything too final right now is what I am saying in a long winded way :)

living
Thank you for taking the time to write such a lengthy reply.

While we have technically been ttc for 7 years, we gave up on trying to time nuptials several years ago. Since then we have continued to not use any contraceptive and taken the attitude of if it happens then it happens.

I actually gave up on the hope of ever becoming a father about 3 years ago. It made it easier to cope with my infertility. Also, DW bmi is too high to have IVF on NHS and there is no sign that will change.

What a difficult situation. I wish you a lot of luck sorting this out and I'm sure you will do it sensitively. I genuinely believe that now you have put your cards on the table, as you and your wife talk about things, the correct decision will become obvious with time.

2 points to add:

1. I have recently become a parent hence the 2am post! I always thought I wanted children and was always convinced it was a good idea. However, when my son was born 4 weeks ago, I was totally unprepared for how overwhelming my love for him would be. I apologise if it sounds patronising, but for me I certainly didn't "get it" until I had a child of my own. I do also understand why people actively choose not to have children and many of my friends are childless by choice. It's not for everyone but please bear in mind that things really do change when you have your own.

2. When I met my husband, I didn't initially bother asking him if he wanted to have children. The strength of feeling that I had towards him meant that I knew I wanted to be with him regardless of whether or not we would have children. This was the first time I had ever felt like that and this immediately took the pressure off. There was no point asking the question because the answer didn't change anything. When we finally discussed it we were fortunately on the same page. If your wife feels like this then you may have a future. If she doesn't then a split may be the best option all round as she may feel "tricked" into getting married with the assurance that children would automatically follow.

Good luck.

As someone who has suffered from crippling social anxiety for many years, I feel terribly guilty that all my DCs also suffer from anxiety to some extent.

I had hoped I would be able to bring them up so that they didn't, but I haven't been able to deal with my own issues. And/or maybe they inherited the tendency.

Either way, the life I hoped to be able to give them didn't work out.

MH issues are an awful legacy to risk passing on.