Wife wants children but I don't

[hubster]

Really sorry for long post!

Hello. I'm 27 and my DW is 31. DW and I have been happily married for 6 years. We've always said from the start that we both wanted children, about 3 of them. We've been ttc for about 7 years now. Because I have almost non-existent sperm, we would have had to go down the IVF route.

We both have depression of varying degrees and it seems to run in my side of the family.

The last few months, my views on being a dad have gradually been changing. I hadn't said anything as I was hoping my feelings would change.

Last week we looked after my 8 mo nephew for a week. I disliked it after the second day and all it seems to have done is bring right into my awareness that I absolutely don't want children of my own any more. Don't get me wrong, I like children. My nephew we looked after is the smileyest, happiest little child who sleeps right through from 8 pm - 7 am.

So, I told DW the day before yesterday. She of course is devistated. She spent the night at a friends house. Yesterday, DW came home. We had a chat about it and I explaied why my reasons had changed etc., but that I still love her.

By wife doesn't want to split but also really wants a baby. I think we should split. Here's why:

Stay together - No baby
Wife resents me for denying her a baby. Every time she meets with her friends and sees them with their DC, she just gets angrier and bitter towards me. I feel guilty for not wanting to have a child. DW up leaving while she still has a good chance of having children.

Stay together - Baby
I resent DW for having child. I start to become more disconnected and depressed. I feel trapped and leave. Feel guilty which leads to worse depression, possibly OD'ing again (

What about some counselling then. I think that there are reduced fees or no fees in some cases if you see a trainee counsellor or trainee therapist. Fees are about £5.00 to £15. Have a look online. You really sound like you could do with someone to talk to who could help you work through all your feelings. Good luck with it all, just give it time and don't rush into anything.

What is psychotherapy? Is it a talking therapy like a psychologist or counselor? Or is it specific lily CBT or ACT?

Yep it is a chemically induced feeling that causes bonding but its rarely rational in my opinion. Its everything but rational.

I'm booking an appointment with Relate tomorrow so that hopefully they can help us deal with some of the issues involved.

Got to sleep now. Thank you all for the advice.
x x

Yes its talking therapy where you try and get to understand why you think and feel the way you do. There are many different types though so ask around. But look into the "trainee" options.

Night

I don't like to persuade people to have children when they say they don't want them, but in your case I feel differently.

Follow through all the health advice you have been given.

I have never been much of a one for babysitting other people's children, they do require a lot of energy, which it does sound like you have at the moment, but it is different with your own child. First you fall in love with them to an extent that leaves romantic love miles behind. Then you are able to understand them so much better than a visiting child, and they are a work in progress, you take such pleasure in every new thing they learn. And you can even tell them off, when needs be.

I understand why your wife feels you're looking for an excuse to leave her. What if she loves you so dearly she wants to stay and not have a child! Is that not an option? Your scenarios are all very well but can she not have any authentic input? If you want to end the relationship then you should do so without having to come out the "better" person for setting her free. I totally agree that relate could help you both to separate.

You are young, which I don't mean in a patronising way, I just think there's a good chance you'll change your mind in the future. But if you don't want children now, you're doing the right thing by giving her a chance with someone else. If she's right and you are wanting to end things with her anyway, for gods sake don't turn up with a new pregnant partner in 12 months. It'd kill her.

I was in a similar situation, without the depression, and decided that there was no option but to split. Unpleasant at the time, but had to be done.

Hubster, I was 29 before I 'wanted' children. Before then if anyone had suggested me ever becoming a mother I'd have laughed at the idea.

At 39, with 2 small boys of my own I still don't really like other people's children. I just don't really know how to interact with them, despite having my own. Don't base your decision on babysitting.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Depression is a bastard.

Babysitting is nothing at all like having your own child. Nothing at all.

DO NOT bring a baby into this if you do not want one.

The repercussions are devastating for the child.

Gettingmeback - "You are young, which I don't mean in a patronising way, I just think there's a good chance you'll change your mind in the future. "

Funny how no one ever says to someone who wants a child "I don't mean to be patronising, but I just think there's a good chance you'll change your mind in the future"

I don't think the op should stay & have a baby just in case 'his depression screwing with your feelings'

What if that isn't the case? And he just bought a baby into this world that he didn't want, in the hope he would suddenly love it?

According to my psychiatrist, he's never seen me this good mentally Perhaps your clearer state has actually bought to the surface your real feelings, whereas the depression has been hiding them. Perhaps you have been thinking - until your made your choice - that having a baby would lift your depression & now you can see it won't!

I'm with different on this. I also think BOF's earlier posting, including these nuggets:

3. Have Baby , fall utterly in love with your child and realise that you've been a self-obsessed idiot who had his priorities all wrong.

Or

4. Have Baby , give it your best shot, but end up breaking up anyway, like 50% of marriages seem to, but there's a lovely new person in the world, and at least your wife realised her dearest wish without being thrown back into the uncertain world of online dating?

is so far off the mark I'm amazed no one has called her on it. Just because someone does not want a baby/child doesn't mean they are an self-obsessed idiot. Similarly, bringing a baby into the world when you have no interest in them is incredibly selfish and unfair. There is no guarantee said new person will be lovely and when they find out their dad didn't want them in the first place and presumably wants very little to do with them anyway, may go off the rails, get into all sorts of trouble and end up far more mentally depressed than the OP.

Looking after a baby is incredibly difficult, and stressful even for couples with strong relationships. I would never recommend it for someone who doesn't want to have a child. Never.

Is it just the nephews visit that triggered this realisation that you don't want children? Presumably you did before.

I'm a mum, but my idea of hell would be getting stuck with someone else's 8 month old baby for a week. I'd never agree to do something like that. I don't think many parents would.

To be honest, I'd be hating the situation after an hour!

I think BOFs posting WAS excellent because he said he wanted children when they married and they have spent the last 7 years trying to conceive.

This not wanting children is a new development for him and it appears to be tied up with other things going on in his life and his illness.

Is it that you don't want a baby and would like to separate but don't want to hurt your partner? If so I think being cruel to be kind would free her up to meet someone else while she's still young and in the long run she will be pleased. No point going through all the stress and expense of IVF if you don't want a child.

OP - you cannot know how you feel about being a dad until you are a dad.

I found looking after other people's babies frightening and boring. I still do. There is no comparison to the feelings you have for your own child. There is no real pleasure in caring for a baby you are not in love with, just a feeling of hypervigilance (because you have a strong impulse to keep them safe) which is tiring and unpleasant.

I think Milly is spot on with her observation about it being a sudden change. Definitely don't do anything rash and explore all options.

The OP describes his change of mind over having children as being "gradual" only confirmed by having his dn to stay. This did not come out of the blue.

I hope you can resolve this Op, but you should be true to your feelings and not get persuaded to change your mind for others sake - if you do try for a baby again it needs to be a decision you are both happy with.

I suppose that from DW point of view it is sudden as I only told her a couple of days ago. For me it's been a long time coming. I've been aware of it for the last few months but I think there were signs there beforehand that my mind was starting to change.