Wife wants children but I don't

[hubster]

Really sorry for long post!

Hello. I'm 27 and my DW is 31. DW and I have been happily married for 6 years. We've always said from the start that we both wanted children, about 3 of them. We've been ttc for about 7 years now. Because I have almost non-existent sperm, we would have had to go down the IVF route.

We both have depression of varying degrees and it seems to run in my side of the family.

The last few months, my views on being a dad have gradually been changing. I hadn't said anything as I was hoping my feelings would change.

Last week we looked after my 8 mo nephew for a week. I disliked it after the second day and all it seems to have done is bring right into my awareness that I absolutely don't want children of my own any more. Don't get me wrong, I like children. My nephew we looked after is the smileyest, happiest little child who sleeps right through from 8 pm - 7 am.

So, I told DW the day before yesterday. She of course is devistated. She spent the night at a friends house. Yesterday, DW came home. We had a chat about it and I explaied why my reasons had changed etc., but that I still love her.

By wife doesn't want to split but also really wants a baby. I think we should split. Here's why:

Stay together - No baby
Wife resents me for denying her a baby. Every time she meets with her friends and sees them with their DC, she just gets angrier and bitter towards me. I feel guilty for not wanting to have a child. DW up leaving while she still has a good chance of having children.

Stay together - Baby
I resent DW for having child. I start to become more disconnected and depressed. I feel trapped and leave. Feel guilty which leads to worse depression, possibly OD'ing again (

I'd be furious if my DH decided unilaterally for me that I'd be bitter and resentful if we didn't have a child, and that therefore we should divorce now. You don't get to make that call for her. You should give her space to think about it and decide what her priority is. She might well make the decision that she would rather keep the marriage without children than try to pursue the possibility of motherhood with someone else. Many women do.

Unless you just don't want the relationship anymore, in which case it's very unkind to pretend it's just about the parenting issue.

All you need to do here is be totally upfront about how your feelings towards children have changed. That gives her the information she needs to decide. What was it, by the way, that you didn't like about babysitting your nephew?

Frankly, you also don't sound well. Big, bridge-burning moments like this are rarely a good idea when you have major depression. I think you should see whoever's care you are under, asap.

I think suggesting someone goes ahead and has children because they'd feel differently when they're their own is seriously flawed advice. Regretting not having kids affects the parents, but regretting having them affects the parent and the children.

I assumed I'd have children (well, it's the norm isn't it) until it dawned on me, aged 25, that when I thought about it properly, that I actually didn't want them. I kept an eye on my feelings and at 28 was sterilised. I'm now in my mid 40s and not once have I regretted not having kids. I have no desire to have my own or to be around other people's.

Hubster, maybe these are your true feelings and you've been caught up in the "most people want children so I assume I want them too" mentality until now? But, can you pinpoint specifically what it is that makes you not want them? As others have said, babysitting isn't the same as looking after your own.

Oh absolutely, I agree to have children when you are adamant you don't want them is madness. However, the op writes that he has always wanted them, its only the last few months that he's changed his mind.

It would be good to look deeper into what has changed his mind and if its a permanent change or not.

JohnFarleysRuskin Saying he should have a baby & then leave if it doesn't work is not good advice, let alone excellent.

I feel there is a huge connection here with his lack of interest in sex coinciding with his new feelings of not wanting children.

You do sound unwell, you should definitely seek therapy before finalising the split. I can see why dw is suspicious and thinks it's all very sudden. It sounds very odd to change so much so quickly. I feel sorry for her that she's in her 30s with no prospect of dc, I hope she meets someone special soon.

To me it's obvious that lack of interest in sex would go hand in hand with not being sure about being a father. One usually requires the other to take place.

It really seems a choice of the lesser of two evils here.

I'm going to leave it sit with DW for a week and then see where she stands.

You do sound very flip and unworried about the end of a very long relationship, don't you personally think that's a worrying sign for your MH? When close family get like this I know they aren't well. Anyway, good luck to you both.

'I think suggesting someone goes ahead and has children because they'd feel differently when they're their own is seriously flawed advice. Regretting not having kids affects the parents, but regretting having them affects the parent and the children. '

Completely agree with this. Regretting having kids does happen and what a horrible situation it must be for everyone involved.

So you might 'fall in love with your baby' - but that's one hell of a gamble. Are you a risk-taking person OP?

And it's offensive nonsense to suggest that not wanting a baby makes someone a self-obsessed idiot

Dear OP,
I also had around 7 years of infertility and it messes with your head. If you are both prone to depression then I should think that it has had a very detrimental effect on both of you. It is an extremely hard thing to go through. It is only after coming out of the other end of infertility - eventually, 2 lovely DCs - after several rounds of IVF, that I look back and realise how gruelling it was.

Do try the counselling because it seems as if you are really trying hard here - that's positive. Don't discount how draining and relentless trying unsuccessfully to conceive can be. And there's nothing like years of dull and boring ttc to put you off sex. Sex becomes pretty joyless when you feel you have to do it. It was pretty mechanical and no fun, frankly, for quite a long time for me and my H. It's amazing you are still communicating and being caring of each other in these circumstances and not sinking into resentment and blame. I am sure a good Relate person will help both of you.

People have children in lots of different circumstances - after one night stands, sperm donation, IVF, gay parenting - two dads, one mum etc and single parents who decided to go it alone and single parents who didn't. Relationships break up. Children are loved and secure in different family set ups, just as they can be damaged and abused in your conventional married set-up. You may find a different way of doing it. Or your DW might. It sounds like any child of hers will definitely be loved.

Have a baby.
Other people's children are nothing like having your own. (Neither is having a puppy like havjng a baby, as I keep reading)

You can't replicate the feelings of overwhelming love and lifelong achievement that your own blood and bones baby can.

Also, your wife was a stranger before you knew her, so you fell in love with a stranger. You might surprise yourself how easily you can fall in love with your own baby.

Lastly, think of it as a second childhood. All those museums, day trips, zoos, parks, cinema, seaside, ... Having kids is fun too.

Totally agree that babysitting and looking after your nephew for a week is nothing like having your own child. I can recall how I felt babysitting nephews and looking after them overnight etc. it would exhaust me, and I loved them dearly and spent a lot of time with them, but I never really KNEW them like their parents did. I'm a firm believer that there's a reason that you begin parenthood with a newborn and not an all singing and dancing toddler. From day one you get to know each other and all the time you as parents are learning. You are learning the practical things like how to change a nappy, breastfeed or make up bottles etc as well as the emotional side of things like how to soothe them, what toys, songs they like, what food they like etc. It's a learning journey and it keeps evolving. When you babysit a child for a day or a week, you are plunged straight into being their primary carer but you don't really know them and as a result it is exhausting and I'm not surprised you decided that based on that children aren't for you, but that's because they are not your children. You haven't spent years getting to know everything about them. It's much, much, much easier and more rewarding with your own kids.

You are likely not interested in sex because of the ADs.

Tbh, ivf is a very grueling process. It doesn't sound like either of you are in a headspace where you could cope with this at present. It puts a massive strain on your relationship and mental health. Unless you really really want to be a parent, i would seriously consider whether it is the right option. All those saying go ahead and have a child, may not have had the experience of such a process. Counselling sounds like the best way you can work together to find a solution.

Before you are accepted for ivf your gp is asked about mental health. You may find your gp isn't able to recommend this option at present given efragile mental situation eg possible od etc.

Good luck with whatever you both decide

You sound like a lovely man. Hope things work out for you

I think it would be kinder to leave her.

Not exactly kind though, just the lesser of two evils to stop wasting her time...

I completely agree that looking after someone else's child is nothing like looking after your own. I looked after my best friend's adored son for a weekend recently. He is the easiest, most good-natured toddler on the planet, yet I couldn't WAIT to give him back!

That said, I wouldn't for one minute recommend that you and your DW go through IVF, pregnancy and parenthood just on the off-chance that you fall in love with your child and it all just slots into place and it's all wonderful. What if that doesn't happen? Having kids is RELENTLESS and puts pressure of all kinds of people and relationships, even if you both unquestionably wanted the child from the start.

You sound like a very good man, OP, to be thinking along the lines of letting your wife go and find someone else to start a family with. I hope that it all works out for both of you.

No - just kinder.

No one wants to get to their late thirties and realise that their partner is never going to change their mind about kids.

Let her go.

Yes, she will be devastated but at least she has time then to move on and have kids with someone who wants them.

Your DW needs time to come to terms with this decision, as you have said, you have had months to think about it but it is news to her. She's going to have to reimagine her idea of the future (whether that is without kids or without you) and that's not an easy thing. Be patient with her.

Although it seems paternalistic to make the decision to split without considering if she might want to stay with you without having children, I do tend to agree with you that it would be a mistake to stay together if she still desperately wants children. There is no compromise position, and its too big a thing (IMO) for a couple to pick one way without resentment - its such a fundamentally huge part of what you want for the future.

You've had some tough challenges with infertility and depression. Do consider counselling to check that your change of mind isn't just you feeling down or even guilty about the fertility problems and treatment, and to manage the separation as kindly as possible to yourselves. Just be aware that she'll need time to work through your news emotionally before she can figure out what she wants for her own future.

One of my cousins now in his 40's ended two otherwise very satisfactory relationships because his girlfriends wanted children and he was adamant he didn't. He then met his wife who is one of those lovely capable beautiful kind people who created a real home for him and had two little girls. I've no idea if she just got pregnant or whether they planned it but he really is the proudest and best father you can imagine.
You could be too.

I'm actually really shocked at some of these replies. Here you have a clear, honest post from someone who is 100% sure he doesn't want DC. He's taking his meds, he's feeling well, but he's someone who clearly has a severe depressive illness that comes and goes. It's sometimes bad enough that he has to be signed off work for long periods of time.

And yet there are loads of people saying 'Oh go on, have a baby, you know you want to'. FFS not everyone wants to have DC! Not everyone should have DC! And someone who 100% sure he doesn't want to have DC and who is quite often seriously unwell himself shouldn't be made to feel bad because he doesn't! Have some respect people. I know this is mumsnet, but it really is okay to NOT want to have DC. It's not a requirement for life.

Good luck with Relate OP. I hope they are able to help you.

YY Juneau I am really struggling to imagine a woman posting the (very definite) OP and getting these 'Oh just do it, you'll love it' replies.

Citing his depression as 'proof' that he can't be sure of his decisions is v patronising.

Juneau The OP and his wife have been trying for a baby for 7 years and he and his wife wanted three children so to be fair, he did want children, wanted them very very much. It is only recently that he has changed his mind and feels that after a couple of months that he is sure he now doesn't want them. So unless he was lying to her and himself all those years then his present attitude is not as simple as it seems.