Wife wants children but I don't

[hubster]

Really sorry for long post!

Hello. I'm 27 and my DW is 31. DW and I have been happily married for 6 years. We've always said from the start that we both wanted children, about 3 of them. We've been ttc for about 7 years now. Because I have almost non-existent sperm, we would have had to go down the IVF route.

We both have depression of varying degrees and it seems to run in my side of the family.

The last few months, my views on being a dad have gradually been changing. I hadn't said anything as I was hoping my feelings would change.

Last week we looked after my 8 mo nephew for a week. I disliked it after the second day and all it seems to have done is bring right into my awareness that I absolutely don't want children of my own any more. Don't get me wrong, I like children. My nephew we looked after is the smileyest, happiest little child who sleeps right through from 8 pm - 7 am.

So, I told DW the day before yesterday. She of course is devistated. She spent the night at a friends house. Yesterday, DW came home. We had a chat about it and I explaied why my reasons had changed etc., but that I still love her.

By wife doesn't want to split but also really wants a baby. I think we should split. Here's why:

Stay together - No baby
Wife resents me for denying her a baby. Every time she meets with her friends and sees them with their DC, she just gets angrier and bitter towards me. I feel guilty for not wanting to have a child. DW up leaving while she still has a good chance of having children.

Stay together - Baby
I resent DW for having child. I start to become more disconnected and depressed. I feel trapped and leave. Feel guilty which leads to worse depression, possibly OD'ing again (

Milly He is 27 if they have been trying for 7 years then he was 20 when he made the original decision to try to conceive.

Plenty of people change their minds on many issues during the course of their 20s.

OP, you have wanted children for many years. Doesn't that tell you that you have it deep in you to be a dad?

Granted, little babies are tiring and boring, the first years are not easy, you need to have a strong relationship with your partner to get though it (and it sounds like you do) however, they grow into adorable children, who love us, learn from us, make us grow, make us improve ourselves.

I am not saying you should decide to have children, but don't dismiss it yet. Go with an open mind to some therapy so explore why you feel this way all of a sudden.

All the couples I know that have been in relationships where one of them wanted a child and the other did not have broken up. In most cases, amicably so.

However, from reading your 'history' in the information you've shared with us, I don't think your situation is that clear cut, OP.

I second the investigation of therapy/counselling to really explore why your feelings have changed so dramatically, in such a relatively short space of time.

(Incidentally DH & I were ttc for 7 years too - we didn't go the route of investigation because I didn't want to find out that there was something 'amiss' - stupid I know. I did have some unknown underlying health issues, which, when resolved, resulted in me becoming pregnant very quickly. We have one DC, dearly loved, but I'm probably too old to conceive again now).

Fideline people change their minds at all ages not just their 20s. I was just going on the information provided by OP. Nothing else. So if we are going to talk outside of that remit then I would have to say that he was very young when making that decision to try for a child and has not really lived his life yet. If he were my child I would have wanted him to have not spent his early 20s spent trying to conceive when he should have been out there having fun and exploring everything the world has to offer him. Maybe what will come out of the talk with relate and future counselling is that he was just not ready to become a Dad at this point in his life and further on down the line when he has grown and developed more as a person, he might very well decide to have children. Possibly even though he loves his Wife he just doesn't love her enough to envisage a life that they had mapped out for each other and he now on some level wants out and wants to be young and free.

His age is given in the OP Milly so don't see that it is outside any remit.

I was replying to your point; " The OP and his wife have been trying for a baby for 7 years and he and his wife wanted three children so to be fair, he did want children, wanted them very very much"

I don't think the 'you wanted them previously, your change of heart is therefore suspect' argument holds up at any age, but, if anything, holds up even less when discussing a twentysomething.

AND your assertion that he 'wanted them very much' is not evidenced in the OP. You might be right OR he may have been swept along with a vague idea that he was in love and children would be nice but hadn't thought deeply about it until recently. We don't know which.

Hell of a lot of projection on this thread.

Don't end things in a hurry op, if this is genuinely your only reason for it. Sit on it for a bit, see if your feelings change, I only say this because it seems like a quick about turn in your feelings and it's worth seeing whether they are to stay?

You seem very cold about splitting with your DW and her having a baby with someone else.

You love her dearly, you say.

Imagine 4 years into the future. You take a short cut through the park, and there you bump into your DW with her new husband and baby, blissfully happy.

How would you feel?

The OP said that they both wanted children from the start and that they wanted 3.

and you yourself are projecting by referring to his age and that many people change their minds in their 20s. I didn't! Just saying.

He did. The 'very much' is your own embroidery

I didn't change my mind either. Many posters seem to be finding it hard to accept that he might have genuinely changed his.

I'm not projecting either way. I am doing a thing called reading the OPs words.

Yes, he wanted DC for 7 years, but he's changed his mind. That's allowed. Plus, we're talking here about two people who both suffer from depression who are preparing to go through IVF - a gruelling process and one that is very mentally hard. Then you've got the fact that the DW will quite possibly suffer with AND and/or PND (given her history of depression I would this is quite likely). Not exactly a recipe for happiness is it? Particularly when he doesn't even want the DC that may or may not result.

BOF yeah option 4 is a really brilliant one. FFS how irresponsible can people be? and as for your justification that he is a self obssessed idiot - WTF? He has changed his mind, it happens. Better he tells his DW now than lead her on for years surely. Christ people on this forum can be really stupid sometimes

hubster it sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this and are paying particular concern to how your DW feels, but how do you feel about the prospect of splitting up? If you are adamant that you don't and never will now want children and your wife is willing to stand by you then perhaps the alternative is to give it a while and see how things go? she may not end up resenting you

Yes he can change his mind. I think he's being really strong to consider all of this.

He suggested he had only two options. PP suggested there were other options. And there are.

I would feel dreadfully sorry for any woman who conceived a child with a reluctant partner. As Juneau says this couple face pressures anyway.

Not read whole thread but kids/no kids is a deal breaker and splitting is the only option.

Having said that, looking after someone else's 8mo baby is not the way to decide on having your own. It is different when it's your own. I have 2dc but I would not look forward to having someone's 8mo for a week, family or not. Yuck!

I would also say that dw is a bit older than you and women obviously get to an age where they can't have dc any longer whereas men don't. You basically have your whole life to change your mind or not, but she probably feels the clock is seriously ticking for her.

Plus, let's not forget how mentally gruelling having a DC can be - and I'm talking here about anyone - even those of us blessed with good mental health. Months of sleep deprivation can send even the most sane of us to some pretty dark places, and sleep deprivation is pretty much a given.

Listen up people, op and his dw are highly unlikely to be approved for Ivf given current serious MH issues. So everyone saying go ahead and have a baby, exactly how is that going to happen???!!! I think you are giving false hope that a baby is a realistic prospect

Counselling is the best option, not making a decision now.

DW wrote me a third option:

Leave
DW spends life with broken heart as she loves her DH, a love that grows everyday and she doesn't want to love another. If walking away was an option, DW would have done so when DH od'd.

When I say psychiatrist said I'm the best he's seen , I've only been seeing him for a year.

I May come across as being cold about this. That is because to consider realistically what options and consequences are, I disconnect myself emotionally.