Wife wants children but I don't

[hubster]

Really sorry for long post!

Hello. I'm 27 and my DW is 31. DW and I have been happily married for 6 years. We've always said from the start that we both wanted children, about 3 of them. We've been ttc for about 7 years now. Because I have almost non-existent sperm, we would have had to go down the IVF route.

We both have depression of varying degrees and it seems to run in my side of the family.

The last few months, my views on being a dad have gradually been changing. I hadn't said anything as I was hoping my feelings would change.

Last week we looked after my 8 mo nephew for a week. I disliked it after the second day and all it seems to have done is bring right into my awareness that I absolutely don't want children of my own any more. Don't get me wrong, I like children. My nephew we looked after is the smileyest, happiest little child who sleeps right through from 8 pm - 7 am.

So, I told DW the day before yesterday. She of course is devistated. She spent the night at a friends house. Yesterday, DW came home. We had a chat about it and I explaied why my reasons had changed etc., but that I still love her.

By wife doesn't want to split but also really wants a baby. I think we should split. Here's why:

Stay together - No baby
Wife resents me for denying her a baby. Every time she meets with her friends and sees them with their DC, she just gets angrier and bitter towards me. I feel guilty for not wanting to have a child. DW up leaving while she still has a good chance of having children.

Stay together - Baby
I resent DW for having child. I start to become more disconnected and depressed. I feel trapped and leave. Feel guilty which leads to worse depression, possibly OD'ing again (

I got DW to read this thread. She thinks I'm looking for an excuse to leave her. I love her dearly which is why I think we should split so she can find someone who loves he AND can give her a child.

I'm ringing Relate tomorrow to book a meeting for DW and I.

Simon Cowell seems to have managed it.

Still, I think it would be a shame to bail if it's your depression screwing with your feelings. What treatment are you getting for it?

What changed your initial feelings about becoming a father?

Depression
I'm on ADs for it : 150mg Sertraline. I see a psychiatrist monthly and a social worker bi-weekly.

What changed my mind?
Staying to think about what it would be like to bring up a child. We baby sat for friends & family. The more I thought about it, the more the bad outweighed the good in my opinion. And then last week, looking after my happy, smiling, good natured little nephew, I really disliked other and couldn't wait to give him back.

Talk to your psychiatrist about it- it does seem a big change quite suddenly.

I'm on 100mg of Sertraline, and I can honestly say it has done fuck all. They don't always work.

Looking after your nephew is not at all the same as having your own child. Most people will tell you that they were unsure if they wanted children as they didn't like other peoples but when you have your own, its generally a different story. None of us know for definite that we will love our children or if we are completely 100 per cent sure about children and being parents but we still do it and couldn't imagine life without them afterwards. They can change your whole outlook on life and make you grow up and see life for what it really is all about.

I don't think you are in good shape to have a baby right now, but I do think that if you properly get on top of your depression, you will be.

@BOFtastic Thank you. I'll see my psychiatrist asap to see if he feels it could be to do with the depression.

OP, you say you love your wife but are you in love with her? Do you love her sexually? Other than you feeling that you didn't feel paternal feelings towards your nephew and you feel this means that you are not parent material, what else has changed in your relationship with your wife that makes you decide now that you don't want to have a baby. It is a big change really after all these years of being sure.

@Millyblods
I've been finding it difficult feeling sexual at all the last few months. It's not just in relation to DW but any woman who I find attractive is more like a beautiful painting rather than someone who rouses sexual interest.

DW is always telling me that she this is I'd make a great dad. I probably would but I just don't want to be a dad any more.

thinks*

Do you think then that your lack of sexual interest might just be connected to this in some way?

Depression properly fucks with your head, but it's really important to see it for the illness it is. Take it seriously and sort it out, before you base any major life decisions on its siren song.

Good luck

I'm not sure and I don't know how I'd figure out of it was connected.

That's why it's such a bastard. Don't you read stuff in the papers about people going nuts and leaping off bridges, sometimes with their kids, and think "God, they were obviously in the grip of something awful"?

The thing is, it feels so true at the time, but it isn't.

You owe it to yourself and your wife to kick your illness to the kerb. Don't make any big decisions until you've dealt with your health.

I've had the illness since I was 12 yo. It just varies in intensity over long periods of time. So nearly every decision I make is through the eyes of depression. The Sertraline has helped me. According to my psychiatrist, he's never seen me this good mentally.

Have you had any psychotherapy?

Have you told your psychiatrist your latest developments ie that your not interested in sex at all and that you have now decided after years of you and your wife trying for children that you have told her pretty much out of the blue, that you don't want them any longer and that you are thinking that splitting up because of this is the answer. Im not you OP but I think that there is definitely something not quiet right here and maybe your psychiatrist could help you sort these feelings out. You sound brilliant and lovely but also maybe a little bit emotionally detached from all that you are doing and saying to your wife.

Your lack of sexual feelings and not wanting children seem to have occurred at the same time. If your Wife wants to stay with you and you her then could you maybe set a time frame of 6 months to a year and see how you both feel then? Not sure that relate are what is needed here but maybe as suggested by Bof, some psychotherapy would help you to sort out why you might be feeling the way you are.

@BOFtastic
I'm on the waiting list to see a psychologist but it's at least 18 months to see someone. I've got about 7 months left now till I'll be sent an appointment.

Is it possible for you to go private OP. You sound like you could really use some help to sort your feelings out.

@Millyblods
Yes I am emotionally detached from it all. It helps me to think rationally rather than emotionally.

Love isn't rational though, is it?

@Millyblods
Not an option. I've been out of work due to major depression since last April and DW only just managing to make enough to pay the basics. None left for going private. :/

@Millyblods
I think it is. Love, romantic love is a chemically induced feeling that ensures we are able to find and stay with a reliable partner who endeavours to look after them self and you. And vice-versa. It offers the hope of stability in an unstable world.