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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
mrstigs · 10/03/2014 17:23

Bloody hell. That's just awful. I definitely agree with you, you need to get out asap. Go hunt out some rentals whilst you are kid free.

dramajustfollowsme · 10/03/2014 17:24

I do hope you can get out ASAP and your dh is supportive. Your MiL sounds unwell, surely no-one can turn so odd so quickly.
I have a Dsis like that too. Hope she can remain calm. Grin

Divinity · 10/03/2014 17:25

Bear in mind that your MIL may have been priming your DH not to believe you eg you are tired, you misunderstand her, you're too sensitive. I'm glad you have some proof to show your DH. Get out of that house as quick as you can. In the meantime take your valuables / best clothes / passports to your sisters to look after.

diddl · 10/03/2014 17:32

When you talk to him it might be best to start off saying that you've just ahd enough of being there.

And only tell him why if he thinks you ought to stay longer?

Re thye toothbrush-she'll surely say that one of kids must have dropped it in the loo?

With the wing mirror she might say she's being helpful as you are about to go out?

Cocolepew · 10/03/2014 17:33

Good grief! This is something like my MIL woukd do, she labours under the impression if she could only get shot of me, her and DH would live happily together as a family Hmm.

Hope it goes well with your DH.

KoalaFace · 10/03/2014 17:36
Shock

I'm...speechless.

I am keeping everything crossed for you OP that DH is supportive and you are out of there this week!

Meerka · 10/03/2014 17:37

Ye gods.

Before you speak to your husband write down everything that has happened. everything. each little thing sounds fairly small on its own, but when you put it together it is huge. Tallk it through first and then if your husband doesnt see it - and it has to be hard for him, hearing this and realising that this mother and his wife are not getting on at all (not your fault!!) - and that you will all have to do something.

Keep as calm as you can.

Record everything by camera and by notebook and keep it with you so she can't get at it. This is essential.

It may be that your husband has some idea of what's going on if he has said 'i thought this was coming". I really really hope he supports you!!

Agreed with the couple of other posters who say call her on what she's doing. But she's nasty and she'll get worse. the only solution is to get out.

Quinteszilla · 10/03/2014 17:38

And get yourself a new toothbrush in secret.

MangoBiscuit · 10/03/2014 17:44

Oh ewrocks I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Your MILs behaviour is really not on. Hoping your DH is supportive.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 10/03/2014 17:47

Take your toothbrush down stairs in front of dh, wave it under her nose and ask her if she thinks dc's brush smells funny. And watch her face go
Seriously, what most others say, get dh on your side and run like fuck.
Best of luck to you.

JabberJabberJay · 10/03/2014 17:54

Good luck OP.

You definitely need to get out of there ASAP.

Your MIL sounds unhinged.

RustyParker · 10/03/2014 17:57

And I thought my mil was batshit crazy.. Confused

Sorry, thats of no help to you op but you have my sympathy. I hope your DH is supportive, good luck with THE chat

gertiegusset · 10/03/2014 18:07

Unbelievable, sounds awful.
She sounds as if she needs help.

WipsGlitter · 10/03/2014 18:09

Good luck!

What a nightmare. Be prepared for your DP to be very torn.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2014 18:10

Wow! Just WOW!

Is there any chance that your MIL may be suffering from dementia or some type of mental illness? Could she somehow be identifying you with the OW her own H left her for & is becoming unhinged? I do agree with a PP that this may be about getting your DH & DCs to herself and getting you OUT. I mean, even if you were a crap houseguest (& I'm not saying you are), her behaviour is abnormal & just beyond the pale.

I doubt if confronting her would do any good. I probably wouldn't waste the energy unless for some reason I wasn't able to GTFO within a week or so. But I do think you need to make arrangements to get out, quietly and quickly, no matter what you must do to do so! I'd probably tell my DH that I didn't care if we had to go to a hotel for a few nights first.

And please update after you've spoken to DH. I know it's probably really none of our business, but I, for one, am interested to know what he meant by 'expecting this'. Who knows what MIL has been telling him about your 'behaviour' behind your back!

aufaniae · 10/03/2014 18:18

She serves your food seperately but won't eat your food?

I wouldn't touch her food with a barge pole, heavens knows what's in it. Perhaps she won't eat yours as she's worried you'll do the sane to her.

BumpAndGrind · 10/03/2014 18:21

Is it bad taste to mark my place?... this is so wrong, on so many levels.

diddl · 10/03/2014 18:22

Oh and if she's leaving your food in the pot, is she spitting in it??

NunsArePeopleTooDougal · 10/03/2014 18:23

God, MIL threads are usually a good laugh, but this one is horiffic! Why would she piss on your toothbrush? Confused

MyNameIsKenAdams · 10/03/2014 18:24

Your MIL sounds psychotic.

Good luck with DH.

Northernlurker · 10/03/2014 18:31

Sounds to me like mil has a plan. She wants dh and the kids in the house ok. Just not you. So she's trying to drive you crazy so you leave and he and the kids stay. I would bet anything he's got some choice tales her slagging you off.

TessTackle · 10/03/2014 18:34

So sorry you're going through this OP!
Hope all goes well with DH

Rumours · 10/03/2014 18:34

Shit a brick op your mil is outrageous Shock Shock

whineaholic · 10/03/2014 18:36

Gosh this is scary. My thoughts are that is this is all so passive aggressive confrontig her will result in her finding a reason for it all. She'll say she is only putting your wingmirror back for you to make life easier for you, for example .

FetchezLaVache · 10/03/2014 18:38

Yeah, I thought that too whine. Which is why it would be a good idea for DH to witness her breezy denial that it's anything to do with her first, before presenting any evidence.