Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
ListenToTheLady · 10/03/2014 15:45

Yikes! It sounds to me as if her plan all along was to get your DH and the DC to herself and edge you out, once she has you all where she wants you and under her power - in her own home.

Get on the phone to the council and get out asap. If you don't have DH on side, you and the kids should go anyway, but yes collect evidence so he can't just brush it off.

FannyFifer · 10/03/2014 15:47

Bloody hell.
Get out. Look for somewhere to rent,
In meantime don't cook for her. Only cook for you, dh & the kids.

eurochick · 10/03/2014 15:49

You just need to get out. She is either very nasty or mentally unstable. You can't keep living there in either case.

CalamityKate · 10/03/2014 15:49

I second the Immac suggestion but you need to put it in her conditioner. People tend to leave conditioner on for longer.

Perhaps treat her to a lovely posh "deep conditioner" for being so kind. Tell her it'll work better the longer she leaves it on.

What an absolute spiteful bitch she is.

NatashaBee · 10/03/2014 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatswhatimtalkingbout · 10/03/2014 15:53

She is really, really angry and resentful about you being there.

She is also bonkers.

You mention she has few friends. No shit.

She is obviously indefensibly atrocious, but remember that (gross generalisation alert) women of her generation were not brought up to be assertive about their needs. So she is going batshit insane because she wants her house back.

By the way

"It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself,"

Erm, do you think she should be sharing it with, in her own house - the one year old?

Ok sorry I know you weren't complaining. But I do think that the way you describe quite a few people in a small-ish house doesn't really quite give full emphasis to the fact that she is cramped to fuck too, and she was the one whose house it was in the first place.

So, the solution is obvious! - piss on a toothbrush. Oh no, wait...

Cerisier · 10/03/2014 15:54

Wow just wow. She could well be adding something to the food she is leaving for you in the saucepan.

You need to get out of there straight away. I hope DH takes this seriously.

HelenHen · 10/03/2014 15:56

Oh Jesus, good luck with the talk! I certainly would not eat any food this woman leaves behind for me!

Whereisegg · 10/03/2014 16:03

Bloody hell op Shock !

I wish you luck talking to your dh.

Blu · 10/03/2014 16:04

Wow! She sounds like something out of a Bette Davies film Shock

You need evidence. Filming the wing mirror is a good start - can you leave a webcam on on a laptop and film / record the dinner pantomime?

There are a lot of people in her house, and I do think she was quite rash to agree to this plan for as long as 2 years. Very very few families would survive without irritation and conflict in your circumstances. You obviously can't stay that long now, but given the relationship, I would be very careful in how you tackle it with your DH.

As well as convincing him that his mother is a horror film loon I think you need to advocate for the benefits of having your own space. That the baby is growing and it will soon be VERY inconvenient to have him in your bedroom, the effect of lack of privacy on your love and sex life, etc.

Now your DH is earning maybe it is time to be direct and review the situation: ask her direct if she would like her space back, now you have an income.

And record, fim and photograph.

Could you post some pics here of her worst doings?

diamondlizard · 10/03/2014 16:04

good luck op

goonyagoodthing · 10/03/2014 16:13

I wouldn't even waste time talking to your husband this evening, have all the bags packed and ready to leave when he gets home from work. She resents you all being there and is clearly bloody nuts. I would actually be scared of her in case she loses the plot completely.

Corabell · 10/03/2014 16:14

Your MIL is outrageous! These are just the things you have noticed.

Stick to the facts which you can prove. I hope your DP listens carefully to you. Good luck.

SilverSixpence · 10/03/2014 16:17

She sounds actually unhinged, reminds me of the woman in Misery! I wouldn't wait around to see what she will do next..

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 16:17

Hi all, just picked up DS1 from school and updating from a mcdonalds drive through car park! (Naughty, naughty - have treated the boys to a happy meal)! Grin

So my sis will kindly have my three over until about 8-ish when we hope to get back home. After that, I expect we'll have to go back to MIL's as normal. I don't know how I'm going to handle seeing her really... Have told my sis the bear bones and she is already ranting and raving! Might have to stop her from going over and ripping MIL a new one!!! Grin Very protective is my big sis - wish some of her assertiveness had rubbed off on me...

I have also sent DH a text to let him know that we need to talk urgently and that I'm coming to meet him from work. He texted back asking what about, so I told him it was about his mum and the living situation. He replied that he thought this might be coming (?!) and he loved me and couldn't wait to meet without the kids (!). So no idea what he thinks I'm going to say? I am bringing the "evidence" with me...

This is actually getting to me a lot now - I can't believe somebody hates me that much? Maybe I'm really hard to live with? I don 't THINK I am - I'm friendly and considerate. If anything I'm a little too easy to walk over. But DH is kind man and we rarely argue. I have no idea what I could have done wrong? We have been here 5 month and the 2 years was HER bloody idea. It's clear that that's no longer an option now. I'm going to tell DH that I want to be out by the end of the week. :-(

OP posts:
Dillydollydaydream · 10/03/2014 16:20

Good luck meeting to discuss mil with your dh. Hope he agrees you all need to move out. It sounds awful.

pluCaChange · 10/03/2014 16:20

Good Lord. Frame it as: "the stress of having us here is really telling on your poor mother. There's no way we can stay any longer, now that you're earning."

I feel for all of you (though of course my sympathy for your MIL is... somewhat tempered by disgust! Shock)

HypodeemicNerdle · 10/03/2014 16:22

Holy shit I thought my MIL was bad. I hope your chat goes well with your DH, I would be planning to get out of there ASAP, she sounds nasty

pluCaChange · 10/03/2014 16:24

Xposted! Could he be desperately unhappy, too? I don't know whether that's something to be pleased about or not!

But at least he loves you. Smile

oscarwilde · 10/03/2014 16:24

If he doesn't believe you, get him to wash his teeth with your toothbrush...

starfishmummy · 10/03/2014 16:26

Hope all goes well with your dh.

Sounds to me like sends regretting letting you all move in but rather than being an adult and talking to you about it she is doing all of this crazy stuff.

Of course you need to he prepared for her denials and her saying that you are picking on her and maybe even some blackmail that she can't afford the house if you move.out.

Stay strong!!

walterwhiteswife · 10/03/2014 16:28

good luck op x

domoarigato · 10/03/2014 16:30

Wow that's passive aggressive...like my mil, but my situatuion, though irritating, is not as bad as yours. If I didn't have to deal with my mil I wouldn't, but I sadly need her 4 childcare. I would move out, but it sounds like you can't. It's a toughie! I have no answers 4 u.

SigningGirl · 10/03/2014 16:31

good luck. but stand firm, I find writing down what examples I want to use works, partly so I remember and partly to give to dh to read whilst it filters into his brain.

wannabestressfree · 10/03/2014 16:32

Move out you have to (unhelpful comment I know)

Swipe left for the next trending thread