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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
Bornin1984 · 10/03/2014 16:32

Not that you should have to but
Keep you and your family toothbrush in bedroom. And put hers in the loo, flush and fish it out and leave it on the side!Shock

DorothyBastard · 10/03/2014 16:32

Good luck with your DH, I hope you spend the time planning an exit strategy and you can get out ASAP.

AngelaDaviesHair · 10/03/2014 16:34

Tell him honestly and straight. Not what you think her motivation is, but just, factually, what has been happening. Not your problem to work out what on earth is going through her mind, just how soon you can move out, and where to.

pictish · 10/03/2014 16:36

Oh my very God!!
I hope the meeting with your dh goes well OP - I'm another one who thinks you ought to rent immediately. Nothing is worth this!

Mintyy · 10/03/2014 16:38

Eeeeee, a mother in law urinating on her dil's toothbrush - I think that's a Mumsnet first!

Finola1step · 10/03/2014 16:39

Your MIL pissed on your toothbrush! Shock

There are no words.

Perfectlypurple · 10/03/2014 16:39

Good luck with the chat.

wishesandchaos · 10/03/2014 16:41

Good luck, I sympathise with the crazy MIL thing, mine hates me and has a tendency to throw tantrums if I visit at all. I hope your DH understands and supports you, it's horrible when someone clearly dislikes you that much when you've done nothing to deserve it x

RunRunRuby · 10/03/2014 16:41

Wow. What a bitch. I hope your husband takes your side and that you and your family are soon out of there!

rainbowfeet · 10/03/2014 16:43

She sounds like a sandwich short of a picnic to be honest... I could not stay there.. I'd wonder what else she's capable of Shock

ListenToTheLady · 10/03/2014 16:43

OP, I suspect what you have done wrong is to marry your DH and have him love you. She sounds like the type who can't stand the competition for what she thinks should be her role, forever.

Living with a relative like this was never going to be a walk in the park but she is obviously crazy, and sounds dangerous. Please don't let your DH persuade you you're worrying about nothing (if that might be a possibility). And please be careful around her and don't eat anything she makes you!

Mintyy · 10/03/2014 16:46

I think you should get her back by doing the same to her toothbrush.

msrisotto · 10/03/2014 16:48

Well congratulations, you officially have mumsnet's worst MIL!

In all seriousness, I hope your chat with your DH goes well. And I am actually concerned about her poisoning your food.

dinkystinky · 10/03/2014 16:49

Good luck OP - I think getting out by the end of the week is a good idea! She's clearly hating the living set up and deciding to take it out on you, even though her GC and DS are in the house too, as you're not a blood relative. Hope the chat with DH goes ok (or as ok as these things can do!)

AngelaDaviesHair · 10/03/2014 16:51

Good that your DH had anticipated you would want to talk about his mother-he is obviously become aware of an issue by himself. That make broaching the subject easier.

magentastardust · 10/03/2014 16:55

Buy a new toothbrush and keep it in your handbag OP-never leave it out again! Keep the old one out and see if it moves places.

It is good you have the wing mirror evidence ,maybe film it again tomorrow so you have more than 1 days evidence as she will deny doing it more than once and say she was just sorting it for you and didn't realise.

Call her out on her behaviour at meal times -once your DH gets in say -oh poor MIL , she was sick at dinner time. Make sure you take control over her behaviour.
If she has dished out food just take her or DH's plate and say I will have this one thanks before she can leave no food for you and so that she has the last portion. If she does manage to give you just a tiny bit say-wow Mil -that was a huge portion -I am stuffed. Let her know you are on to her and her games.
If she is peeing on your toothbrush OP though goodness knows what else she is doing. I really would be careful about what she is dishing up to you food wise.
You say you are a SAHM mum and she works -when is she doing this rooting around in your room, or is it just things in communal areas, that are going missing/being pissed on?

pictish · 10/03/2014 16:58

Will anyone else be checking this thread like mad for updates this evening?
I know I will! Sure as hell hope OP comes back to tell us they are leaving asap!!

CalamityKate · 10/03/2014 17:00

Me :)

HermioneWeasley · 10/03/2014 17:02

Is it insensitive to suggest this goes into classics? MIL pissing on your toothbrush is a new low.

On the plus side I'm adding it to my "horrific MIL catalogue" in case I don't think my DIL is good enough for my PFB. she won't be

roadwalker · 10/03/2014 17:07

Glad your DH looks like he is going to be supportive
I think you should have this out with her after you have told DH
It is such shocking behaviour, once you move out I would only let her see DC under strict, supervised conditions

MoominsYonisAreScary · 10/03/2014 17:13

Fucking hell this is shocking! Some letting agencys work with something called tennentdeposit.com , you dont pay a deposit, we paid them about £15 a month its like an insurance thing for people who dont have deposits.

Might be something for you to look into if you need to leave soon.

Quinteszilla · 10/03/2014 17:14

Be prepared that maybe your MIL has been spinning him her own stories about you behind your back.

Like, you heaving at her cooking and spitting it out, you behaving terribly to her, etc.

Take a picture on your phone next time she does something to your wing mirror.

Rissolesfortea · 10/03/2014 17:14

I usually love a good MIL thread but this one is in a class of its own!

I hope your DH can see the situation for what it is and agrees with you about moving out. I dont think you have any alternative, you cant possibly stay there any longer, the woman is deranged!

notapizzaeater · 10/03/2014 17:19

Omg - she's unhinged. Hope dh is on side and sorts it out.

MissBeehiving · 10/03/2014 17:22

Keep your toothbrush with you at all times.