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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 10/03/2014 18:40

If your husband suspect something why the hell hasn't he said or done anything yet? Unbelievable.

Blatherskite · 10/03/2014 18:40

Anyone else inwardly heaving at the thought that the MIL might have been doing stuff to the OPs brush for a while before she noticed?

diddl · 10/03/2014 18:45

Why would OP's husband suspect anything?

He probably just thinks that OP has had enough of being squashed in.

I doubt he's thinking "I wonder if mum has peed on her toothbrush"!

flamingtoaster · 10/03/2014 18:51

Hope the chat with DH goes OK. It's a very difficult situation and as others have said I think the quickest move you can do is advisable.

Sunshineonsea · 10/03/2014 18:58

I've lived with a relative from DHs family and it was hell
I felt like I was judged for everything, snide comments made all the time,y stuff would be moved or taken frequently.
I sympathise with you OP and think the sooner you get out of there the better before you explode on her and he ends up playin the victim!

Sunshineonsea · 10/03/2014 18:58

She*

TheNightIsDark · 10/03/2014 19:04

Shock There are no words. She sounds horrific.

generousfdudgy · 10/03/2014 19:06

just awful. I have no words for this

maggiemight · 10/03/2014 19:07

I don't think she hates you, but she can't let her true feelings be known by DH or he might not speak to her again or DGCs or they might stay away from her. So she is left with being awful to you, OP. It's the only option (in her twisted view).

coppertop · 10/03/2014 19:11

Just be prepared for when she starts weeping and wailing, and trying to turn herself into the victim. This will no doubt be followed by a huge dollop of emotional blackmail targeted at your dh.

Stand your ground.

whineaholic · 10/03/2014 19:13

Oh yup. My MIL to a T.

TeaAndALemonTart · 10/03/2014 19:17

Also, don't be surprised if your DH doesn't believe you as it does sound pretty unbelievable.

MummyBeerest · 10/03/2014 19:19

Dear God OP!

NOTHING you could have done could warrant this kind of treatment. Don't even blame yourself for a minute!

Hope all goes alright tonight. I hope your DH sees red and you get out of there ASAP.

RubyrooUK · 10/03/2014 19:23

Good luck OP! I was busy feeling a little unfairly irritable that my MIL hasn't yet been in touch about DS2's birthday this week. Your situation is a whole new league of awful. Shock

myroomisatip · 10/03/2014 19:28

I am rooting for you! Hope it goes/is going well.

I dont think you sound hard to live with. You sound lovely in fact, and you do not deserve such vile treatment.

(wow I hope I dont have a personality transplant if I should ever become a MIL!)

minniemagoo · 10/03/2014 19:32

Best of luck OP. Your MIL does sound unhinged. Situation is untenable. Hope your Dh backs you up!

SylvanMuldoon · 10/03/2014 19:33

Fucking hell OP! Shock Get out, get out, get out! And hide your new toothbrush. And ffs don't eat anything she has prepared. Hope the talk goes well.

Hissy · 10/03/2014 19:34

This is sadly not the first time i've heard of this kind of thing.

She's trying to claim your H and kids back. She'll try anything to get you to go.

Your H needs to stand up for you and show her (by supporting you in you all leaving en masse without further ado) that she won't break your family unit.

She's definitely going to kick off about it. She'll rant, cry, deflect blame and rope you in.

All you both have to do is to remain calm, remain focused and refuse to be diverted from leaving.

Don't try to get her to admit to anything, just say that you're going to move out earlier, and thanks for her hospitality thus far.

Hissy · 10/03/2014 19:35

When all this has died down and you are out, you might like to pop by the stately homes thread for some tips on dealing with toxic mil in future.

FryOneFatManic · 10/03/2014 19:35

Wow! It seems to me a bit like the MIL is actually jealous.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 10/03/2014 19:36

wow

nilbyname · 10/03/2014 19:36

Hope it all goes well with your dh tonight!

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 10/03/2014 19:39

I thought my mil was bad, she is a saint compared to this mad woman! Hope your dh sees the truth.

RubyGoat · 10/03/2014 19:42

Bloody hell! Hope you manage to get things sorted (and get the hell out of there!)

BOFtastic · 10/03/2014 19:51

I don't think I would make any accusations to the MIL- just arrange to be gone and announce that it's time for you all to move on, thanks and goodbye.