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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
TypicaLibra · 13/03/2014 13:14

Great that you have an exit strategy and you've been able to keep out of her way a lot the last few days.

AgathaF · 13/03/2014 13:17

Be proud of what a lovely family unit you and your DH have created. He has put you all first, as he should, and that speaks volumes.

Good luck with the viewing. Hope it's what you want and you can move there ASAP.

HoneyandRum · 13/03/2014 13:20

Very good luck with the house OP, it's always stressful being in limbo but so glad you and DH are a team and actively working to move out ASAP. Great support from your sister and BIL too. Whatever the reasons/non-reasons for her behavior it's a blessing in disguise that she showed her hand so quickly so to speak and was so extreme, makes it much easier to seperate fast from her. You and DH have really been through the mill, but this seems to be just strengthening your marriage so has a silver lining.

Please keep updating us. Very best to you, DH and kids.

really1234 · 13/03/2014 13:26

Thanks for the update. I am glad that you seem to have some options for new housing, I hope your viewing was good.

I feel so sorry for you DH, it is a really hard situation for him. He is handling it well though and you know you've got a good one there.

Boy, at times I think MIL doesn't like me but she is positively sweetness and light compared to yours!

Good luck.

diddl · 13/03/2014 13:31

I thought that MIL was a bit obsessed (husband also an only child), but it really is nothing to this.

When I moved in she made a great big deal of handing the spare key over.

"Oh, I won't be needing this now", sniff, voice breaking, fluttering eyelashesHmm

I suppose it's worth "having it out with her".

But I think is there much evidence of anything?

She'll just blame the kids, say laundry got mixed up...

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 13/03/2014 13:53

Goodness me.
Well done and good luck.

Hissy · 13/03/2014 14:22

i'd be sending her a fecking invoice for the knickers, the conditioner and a new wing mirror if it breaks.

fecking loon!

I wish you all the very best of luck for this viewing.

If you like and can afford the flat/house, take it, sign a contract for 6m and then see what happens.

I hope you can move really quickly!

Remember: NO SPARE KEYS FOR EMERGENCIES, EVER

Also - no unsupervised access to the kids and no visits to your home. You were not made welcome in hers, don't make her welcome in yours.

BeCool · 13/03/2014 14:28

holding my breath (kind of) until you all escape this madhouse!

Could you bring yourself to empty all her hair products and do a poo in the bath on your way out the door? Grin

TwoLeftSocks · 13/03/2014 14:36

Fucking hell! Good luck with finding somewhere.

Your DH sounds like a good man!

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2014 14:39

So glad things seem to be working for you & you've found a nice place. Fingers crossed for you all.

At this point I'd put anything I valued in a locked suitcase hidden in a closet or take it to Sis's. MiL is, IMO, escalating. Now, it may just be that she's now trying to 'gaslight' you by moving or taking your things. She'll know that you will notice missing conditioner or undies. But it also may be that she's stopped caring that she may get caught. She's probably also noticing that your family is out more, especially if it's on school nights. She may even have picked up on the fact that you are avoiding her meals. People like her can be very wily and pick up on things most of us wouldn't see. If part of her scheme was to get you to complain to DH, hoping that he'd come down on her side, then she'll also be seeing that you either haven't complained, or that DH must be siding with you. That could be causing the escalation.

I sound like I watch too many crime shows, don't I? Probably.

Meerka · 13/03/2014 15:59

acrossthepond makes a good point.

take anything valuable or precious to you to your sister's, plus all documents.

Hissy · 13/03/2014 16:41

I'd agree with Across sadly.

Classic abusers will escalate if they fear that the object of their obsession is wriggling free.

Have an emergency plan ready. Just in case.

TwoLeftSocks · 13/03/2014 16:45

That's a good idea acrossthepond.

And I wouldn't be letting her know (or even letting the kids know) you're leaving till you've left. She's not going to take it well.

WherewasHonahLee · 13/03/2014 16:58

Wonder what she's done with OP's clothing. Binned it? Stashed it?

I think she'll deny most of this stuff when confronted.

AngelaDaviesHair · 13/03/2014 17:49

I suspect she has no use for the clothing, she just takes it to deprive OP of it, as an expression of her hostility. Sadly it has probably been thrown away or given away.

sykadelic · 13/03/2014 18:06

Glad to hear at least your jewellery is safe. As for the food... good idea! I'd be a bit weary about eating or using anything in that house now to be honest!

Hope the viewing goes well!

WeAreDetective · 13/03/2014 18:24

Hope it went well, and it's great to have an update! Keep safe xx

PigletJohn · 13/03/2014 19:29

it would be very interesting to tip the bin out just before collection day, and see what it contains.

TheVictorian · 13/03/2014 19:55

Such a charming woman. Talk about passive aggressive.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 13/03/2014 20:16

Passive aggressive? Certifiable I would say! Take the house even if it's not 100 right OP. Just get the hell out!

Runningtrainers · 13/03/2014 21:47

Hope the viewing went well. Good luck.

Joysmum · 13/03/2014 22:07

Hope the house was everything you want and that you can move in ASAP

AntoinetteCosway · 13/03/2014 22:23

God, she sounds bloody terrifying. I hope you can move out soon.

fukkigucci · 13/03/2014 22:40

Hope the viewing went well.
Thinking of you

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis · 13/03/2014 22:48

Shock Hope that the viewing went well. I can't believe what I've read.

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