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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL sabotage comes to a head...

469 replies

ewrocks · 10/03/2014 14:06

Hi there - I was wondering if anyone on mumsnet could give me some advice? Myself, my DH and our three children are currently living with my MIL at the moment and have been since October, when my DH was made redundant and we had to give up our rental flat as we could no longer afford to pay the rent. It was decided between MIL and DH that we would come and live with her for a couple of years, whilst we look for work and then, once we have jobs, save for a deposit so that we can buy a house this time. A very kind offer; I had my reservations but because I've always gotten on with MIL (or so I thought), we couldn't really turn it down unless we were to go on benefits instead, which neither of us wanted to do.

So we moved in. It's a bit cramped: MIL has the front double bedroom to herself, DS's (aged 5 and 3) are on bunkbeds in the box room and me, DH and our 1 year old DD are in the back double room. There is only one small bathroom. But however uncomfortable, I am massively grateful for this opportunity. Our kids are very good (we are bloody lucky) and don't cause much fuss. MIL loves them.

DH was out of work until last month, which was very difficult but is now doing well in an even better paid job, thank God. I am a SAHM, as my youngest two kids aren't at school yet but I am currently looking for part time evening/weekend work to boost our income. No joy yet. We have no savings left, as they went on paying our last month of rent and we also gave the rest to MIL for keep. But DH is now earning again and is starting to put some away. I do the vast majority of housework during the day and we all take turns to do the cooking, as it is a hobby of all of ours. I still do the lion's share, I would say.

I always got on with MIL and I thought she liked me but lately she has been doing and saying things that seem like sabotage and indicate that she actually, secretly hates my guts! At first it was little snide comments about my weight, or lack of ambition (she works, I haven't since our second was born). There have been a few goldigger-esq comments as well.
I let these go, as I thought me living in her home her must be grating on her nerves a bit.

But then she started playing games with food. For example, on her nights to cook, she serves everyone else's dishes up first and then leaves mine in the pot/oven and tells me to help myself. She barely leaves half a portion! I'm not kidding when I say on some nights, I'm eating the same amount of dinner as our 1 year old! She'll serve up the DC's and put DH's on a plate in the microwave (as some evenings, he doesn't get back until just after dinner time). On the evenings when I cook, she makes faces and pushes her food around her plate before eating maybe one mouthful and then "fake heaving" and spiting it out in the sink. She'll give the rest of the dinner to her dog and make herself a sandwich or a ready meal. Okay so she might not like my cooking, but it can't be that bad EVERY TIME! She doesn't do this if DH is there for dinner though. If he cooks, he gets heaps of praise for his culinary skills! Hmm

She has repeatedly put peanuts in my eldest's packed lunch despite knowing it is not allowed at his school, due to other children's allergies (I have been pulled up 3 times for this). I also think she is rooting through my stuff when I'm not there (no proof, just a hunch as everything seems misplaced). A pair of my shoes have gone missing, as has a cardigan and a bra. I also found my pillow in the dog's basket one evening. She claimed that the dog must have pulled it downstairs and put it in there herself. (The dog is a westie and pretty small). Hmm

She is also doing this weird thing to my wing mirror every morning: basically, we're living on a very busy road and we have to park our cars on the roadside. You have to pull in your wing mirrors after you've parked up, or there's a very good chance that a car or bus will knock it off. I always wake up to take my son to school and find that my wing mirror has been pulled out again, despite KNOWING that I pulled it in the previous day. So about a week ago, I watched out the window as she left for work (she leaves before me and the kids and DH leaves before all of us) and I SAW her doing it. I caught her doing it the day after and also this morning as well. It is definitely her and it is definitely deliberate. I think she is hoping it will get knocked off? (So far it hasn't, thank goodness).

But worst of all, this morning I went to brush my teeth and the stench of PISS coming off my toothbrush (before I used it, I hasten to add) was absolutely putrid - even when I'd already put the toothpaste on. I just know that she's rubbed it in the toilet after she's used it (or even urinated on it like a pregnancy test - who knows)?! I have no proof of this one, but honestly, it's got to be her with all the other stuff hasn't it? This is beyond a joke - how can anyone be so disgusting and spiteful? I've never been anything but nice to her and she's really freaking me out now. She clearly hates me but why not just be honest about it? DH will never believe half this stuff is going on (although I filmed her doing the wing mirror on my phone this morning and I have saved the toothbrush to show him). But he generally thinks the sun shines out of her arse. And I have nowhere else to go. What the hell am I gonna do here?! Sad

OP posts:
wannaBe · 13/03/2014 10:38

Hmm me either.

ewrocks · 13/03/2014 11:28

Hi everybody - sorry for not getting back to the thread sooner - it's been a manic few days! Thank you all so much for your lovely support though (and Jesus Christ on a bendy bus is phrase of the year so far, haha)! Grin

I have already seen two houses! (Well one house and one flat). Both were 2 bedroom and the flat was actually more spacious than the house but lacked a garden, but I think I'm going to turn them down as we've actually spotted a 3 bedroom house with a little garden that we think we can afford! I reeeeeeally like the look of this place - me and DD are going to have a look at it in an hour - really excited!

It's actually £100 more than we wanted to pay a month which might slow down our savings (but if what DH was saying about his bonus scheme yesterday was true, then we might not half to worry)!!! DD being able to have her own bedroom will be a blessed relief for us and her, I'd imagine! Unfortunately, it's well out of catchment for DS1's school, which won't affect DS2, as he's already secured his place for September (he'll be 4 in July, four days after DS1 turns 6)! But when DD's turn comes in a few years, I'd better hope to God that she gets in on the sibling rule! Then again, we may well have bought elsewhere in a couple of years...

I suppose I'd better update you all on the situation as it stands: we haven't confronted MIL yet and don't plan to until we're out. It is very difficult pretending that everything is alright when I know what I do now. But needs must. In fairness, we've barely seen her. Last night we went over to my sister's after school and she did us dinner whilst the kids were playing and DH met us there after work. It's always a good laugh for us and the kids round there as the cousins all get on and BIL is hysterical! Grin We're going over again on Saturday, bless them, as the aim is to eat out as much as possible if you catch my drift! Wink I brought in fish'n'chips on Tuesday and I'm cooking tonight. DS1 has a playdate on Friday eve, so it's only the other two I have to worry about. And then on Sunday DH has said we're going to the Toby Carvey for a roast - yippeeeee! I dread to think about what she's previously done to my food - it's says a lot when you're praying that it's only spit or pubes, doesn't it?! VOM

Some more of my stuff has gone missing (mostly underwear, the freak) but she can't get at my jewellery as it's in a locked box (ha! have that, you bitch)! She's also blatantly poured away most of my new conditioner (I bought it at the weekend and have only used it once, as I alternate hair products). It's little things like that. She's also kept up the wing mirror trick (which I have filmed again for DH). But other than phony pleasantries, I haven't had much to do with her. The DC's are knackered after being out a lot this week, (too many late nights) but it's not forever. I'm angry now. Angry that she's dragging my kids through this now. Angry that DH is going to suffer for the rest of his life for this. And angry that I have been led into a false sense of security and then abused. I really thought she didn't mind me! I mean, I knew no one would ever be "good enough" for her son, but Jesus this is a nightmare!

As for poor old DH, he broke down crying in bed last night. Sad He is just so upset that it has come to this - it is his mum after all. He says he doesn't think it's dementia but maybe the menopause has sent her crazy (I think she's well finished that, but not sure)? But then he also said that he knows she's always had a dodgy side to her. DH is an only child and he thinks that maybe MIL built too much of her life around him and FIL. When FIL left her, DH was already grown up and living away from home so she probably lost her whole world. He said she begged him to move back home for a good few years afterwards - even after he'd met and married me!!! So she's always been one for the emotional blackmail. DH thinks she despises me almost due to a timing thing! Still, he is resolute, bless his heart, that me and kids need protecting from this shit. He was reassuring ME that I hadn't done anything wrong! My poor, poor guy - he's such a lovely man and he doesn't deserve such a fractured family life. Sad I wish there was something I could do for him and I hope he doesn't resent us later on for this. He is adamant about confronting her after we've moved, as he wants to see if she is man enough to tell the truth. She won't be! He's not mentioned the FIL situation again and I don't want to press him just yet. Just have to keep giving him big hugs I guess...

Will try to update later as off out to the viewing now (already late-ish). Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Stockhausen · 13/03/2014 11:32

Good luck!!

Felyne · 13/03/2014 11:34

I do wish you luck. So glad you and DH are a team, it will be hard for him maybe but this situation was his mother's own making. The toothbrush, eugh.
I wouldn't say I have the best relationship with my MIL but yours takes the cake. All the best.

Spychic · 13/03/2014 11:34

The little house sounds lovely. Hope it's everything you've imagined and that you can move soon. You sound very strong and positive, glad you are getting through this horrible time safely.

AngelaDaviesHair · 13/03/2014 11:37

Your poor DH, it is really awful, but well done him for facing it and supporting you so well (so many men you read about on here don't). I hope the 3 bed house move comes off.

Eatriskier · 13/03/2014 11:38

Good luck Thanks

Hope you get out of there soon.

Your poor dh, it must be horrible for him. Though thank god he is putting his kids first despite that.

Egusta · 13/03/2014 11:46
Thanks
mistlethrush · 13/03/2014 11:50

Hope the house lives up to your expectations - and you can move in pdq!

Dillydollydaydream · 13/03/2014 12:01

Glad you're looking at some nice places. Don't Blame you for eating out as much as possible!

Meerka · 13/03/2014 12:01

thanks for the update. Yeah i feel really sorry for your husband too, but so so so glad he's stuck firmly by you.

When can you move in ? and this may be an unworkable idea, but could you keep your things in a locked chest in your room? the conditioner is a small thing but all these annoyances must really build up after a bit ... even before the crazy nasty stuff.

lucycoco · 13/03/2014 12:06

Good luck, good luck, good luck!!

Your DH sounds a lovely man and I feel desperately sorry for him - for you both, of course, but hopefully this will soon be history for you (I do hope so - what a nightmare!) but for him it'll be a defining and horrible part of his family history.

Thank goodness you have a lovely family in each other and your DC. And again, best of luck!!

IceNoSlice · 13/03/2014 12:07

Your poor DH. You can get through this as a team though. Good luck with the house!

EauRouge · 13/03/2014 12:10

Your poor DH :( He sounds like a lovely bloke, this must be so tough on him. Hope you manage to get into your new place soon.

SouthernComforts · 13/03/2014 12:16

Good luck OP

Gudgyx · 13/03/2014 12:16

Good luck with the house, hope its everything you want and you manage to get away from that horrible woman.

Your DH sounds lovely btw.

Cocolepew · 13/03/2014 12:24

Good luck

Rissolesfortea · 13/03/2014 12:33

Good luck OP, hope the house is all you hope for. Your DH sounds lovely.
Please keep your (new) toothbrush under lock and key in the meantime!

TheOneWithTheNicestSmile · 13/03/2014 12:37

God, ewrocks, what a story Shock

glad to hear it's all under control & you have an exit strategy Smile

Honestly though, I would want to ask her point-blank about the underwear (maybe when your DH is there...?). She will obviously deny all knowledge but if you just say nothing & give her a Hard Stare it might rattle her enough to leave your stuff alone.

Good luck with your new home & getting out asap anyway!

KoalaFace · 13/03/2014 12:44

Good luck Thanks

Blu · 13/03/2014 12:44

Maybe she is attempting some kind of black magic with the personal items such as underwear Shock

Seriously, OP, well done and Good Luck getting the house.

Let us know how you get on when you tell her and move out!

It's all rather sad and desparate, isn't it? I can't see how your DH will ever resent you, you sound as if you are very sensitive and suportive with each other.

Kikibee · 13/03/2014 12:45

Bloody hell, just come across this thread, be careful when you tell her that you are leaving. Any chance of doing a moonlit flit? Grin

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 13/03/2014 12:51

I'm beyond agog. What an awful situation all round. I can't imagine how you've been feeling living with all this.
I hope you find somewhere nice to live OP, make sure you get your post redirected and that you aren't beholden to her for anything.

Personally I'd not be leaving a forwarding address either, but I've told my DH about this situation and his advice would be not to confront her, to keep your powder dry. Knowledge is power, you'll have all this up your sleeve and she won't know how aware you are and how united you and DH are over all this.
That's just another person's take on it for what it's worth.

Hopefully some dialogue can open up between your DH and his DF, it would nice if there's a good resolution there and the children have a DGF in their lives.

lizzypuffs · 13/03/2014 12:57

Thanks for updating and you sound more positive. Your DH sounds a star!

Good luck.

Innermagic · 13/03/2014 12:58

Glad all is well, not an easy situation,maybe once she has been confronted she will see how awful she has treated you and you can try and salvage something if not your better of without her.

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