Pissed off.....lies, lap dancing and so called friends.

[Fragglewump]

I thought I had an honest marriage until Friday when out for dinner with friends the wife told me that her husband didn't believe in 'paying for it' and that mine probably only did it to 'further his career'. I felt sick and was baffled but didn't tackle as I was a little drunk and totally mortified about exposing this in public. Cue the next morning when dh reveals that a year ago he went to a lap dancing club with his boss and another colleague. He went to a private room with boss and dancer for a private dance. He didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me and he wasn't proud of it. But he did tell our friend!!! I feel sick and teary. It's the lies that hurt most. Dh doesn't think he has broken our trust. I'm upset by the private dance but would find it much easier to move past than being humiliated by a friend. How can I get over this? I feel sad and pathetic. Goodbye honest marriage.

Agree with painty

Folk: so even watching porn would mean the end of the relationship, wow, seems quite an extreme reaction (to me) but, have to give you respect for having that kind of conviction.

Folk: So, if the OP had gone to see a male stripper, do you think equally her OH should end it?

Thanks, Jan!

I just wonder how many women put up with porn, etc because they don't think they've got any choice in the matter and just convince themselves they've got to accept it.

I just wouldn't have any respect for someone who was prepared to use other people in that way.

Blimey... what's the weather like up in that ivory tower?

Wonder how many times OP's fella has been...

Folk I agree. It's a shame we've been conditioned to think a man's sexual need prevails all.

There's a great website written by women who have worked in porn. You might change your mind about bring a consumer and feeding that industry after you've read it ..... Rose something ??? Will have a hunt and link.

Painty I'm well aware of that. I have no choice but to go to the GP (although mine is female) or work or the supermarket. But I can choose who I let into my personal life and my bed.

Folk: fair enough, good for you.

Trevor, that's a really nasty thing to say. Just because people's standards are different to yours doesn't mean they deserve nasty comments like that.

Personally I couldn't respect anyone who 'bought' another human being for sexual gratification. DH knows it's a dealbreaker. I worked in the City, I know what it's like there, it doesn't mean it should be acceptable or brushed aside as 'what blokes do' and yes, my male colleagues were at pains to tell me they hadn't enjoyed it, that it was embarrassing and icky and awful - still diminished them in my view. I did point out to them how appalling their behaviour was, loudly, every time they slunk off to Browns. If it was that tacky and awful, why keep going?

I love men, btw. Which is why I believe they're not just dick-led wankers incapable of treating women like human beings and I expect them to behave as such. Man-haters imho are the ones who seem to think that this is how men are and what can you do?

Painty - I agree with your stance on this.

There are a lot of 'keyboard feminists' on here saying how it is in black and white but in real life its all a bit more complicated.

It is a minority of blokes that actively want to go to lapdancing clubs in work or stag night situations the rest get dragged along - like sheep.

It happens. Not all the blokes in there are monsters.

Not nasty - sarcastic! There's a difference. Just really genuinely surprised that people would break over this.

Folk has and I'm not surprised given he was

On dodgy websites. Good for her for sticking to her principles

Am I the only poster who finds it hard to believe that Gobbys comment that her husband "didn't believe in paying for it" was simply about a private lap dance?

OP are you sure this isn't the tip of the iceberg and actually there is prostitution involved?

That interpretation occurred to me, but then I thought it made the choice of expression even more strange, actually. So, no, I don't think it has to mean that.

I think Folkgirl's decision to end her relationship is quite comprehensible, since her partner had a clear intention to seek sex elsewhere (sorry to hear that). The attitude towards pornography is interesting though. My mother always felt that it was adulterous (old-fashioned, small town, Catholic - none of which I necessarily mean as a criticism) and was horrified to discover one of her colleagues subscribed to The Erotic Review, which he read with his wife. Surely it depends on whether porn is used singly as wank fodder, or mutually to enhance one's sex life...??

It's a deal breaker for me too, I'm not sure why folkgirl is being painted as unusual, there are plenty of men who don't agree with paying for sex services.

There's a lot that say they don't but do in secret or do it and try and cover it up too. Like is this case.

It's an interesting one as always.

Hope you're alright OP x

Trevor that was not nasty at all in my view. I think you are pretty spot on actually although I accept I may have lost you kudos with my support.

I hadn't given lapdancing much thought prior to my dhs visit, I just thought it a creepy thing to want to do. When I was confronted with it I was surprised by the fact of the lap dance meaning less to me than the act of lying.

I can see how it would happen. It wouldn't make you an awful person but lying about it well that means I can't trust anything you say and I need to be able to trust you or what is the point?

so I think if he is going regularly then it's a deal breaker but if it is a drunken one off regret then is it really worth throwing a relationship away over?

I'll be honest. The thought of someone a lot younger, slimmer with a pre-baby body sitting on my DP's lap with their tits out doesn't exactly please me! But I wouldn't walk out over it. No way!

To my knowledge my DP has been three times. Over ten years. The first time he went with a gang of mates and it was a bit of a laugh (he was 23, I was 20). I remember being shocked but not really being that arsed.

He's been twice since, once on a stag and then again as part of something to do with work. I asked him if he'd been and he said yes and rolled his eyes and said 'it's so naff' - and the next time he got invited to one he didn't go.

We've had a conversation about it - he doesn't 'love' lap dancing clubs, I don't 'hate' them. It's not black and white.

It's only since I met my friend who used to dance and went to Amsterdam and went in one of the clubs that I've totally changed my view on it.

It's not cheating and its not best-husband-in-the-world worthy either, it's a tiny issue and something we choose not to clash over. If I asked him to never go again he wouldn't go again. I don't want to tell him what to do or not do though, and I certainly wouldn't have him not telling me what to do when I'm out with my friends either.

I can't berate him for going to a strip club three times in his life and then meet my friend who used to dance and laugh at her stories - I'd be a hypocrite!

It's not prostitution or cheating in my opinion. Or my friend's opinion or experience. She's been offered money for sex and has always refused. She worked in a club where if you touched you got chucked out. That's it.

If I've been a sarky cow on this thread I apologise but I just couldn't throw my DP out over something like this. It for me is a petty, silly thing some men do. And that's it.
I'm always doing stupid stuff and I don't expect to get chucked out over it either.

And just in case I get a mouthful for putting my cards on the table I'm not a mug, my DP isn't a perve and my dancing friend isn't a slapper.

Some people on here have had the guts to say they've been in this position and left. Others stayed.

But some are saying they would leave or would stay and the truth is you don't know until it happens.
I wasn't really arsed - genuinely - until I was a bit older and had had DD and had some blubber on me and felt a bit jealous. Now I'm less keen, but still wouldn't dump over it.

Each to their own :-)

If my husband went for a lap dance I wouldn't feel threatened but I would think he was a loser! You can see lots of fanny for free (do they "wink the pink" in a private dance? ) On the internet so paying to see it baffles me!

I agree with previous posters though that the words "paying for it" would indicate to me prostitution rather than a peep show

Haha wink the pink!

This 'deal breaker' thing I find odd. I couldn't say 'it's a deal breaker' because then I'd have to go if that thing happened. Making something forbidden makes it more likely to happen in my (previous) experience.

I can just imagine these men saying "oh I'd never do that darling" with an outraged expression but the watching porn and that being a secret and fine.

I know what my DP is up to - I don't have to like all of it (within reason). But when things start being off limits that's when the fibbing starts.
How many men on here do we read about who "aren't the type" but have bee up to all kinds? It's the quiet ones you have to watch!