Pissed off.....lies, lap dancing and so called friends.

[Fragglewump]

I thought I had an honest marriage until Friday when out for dinner with friends the wife told me that her husband didn't believe in 'paying for it' and that mine probably only did it to 'further his career'. I felt sick and was baffled but didn't tackle as I was a little drunk and totally mortified about exposing this in public. Cue the next morning when dh reveals that a year ago he went to a lap dancing club with his boss and another colleague. He went to a private room with boss and dancer for a private dance. He didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me and he wasn't proud of it. But he did tell our friend!!! I feel sick and teary. It's the lies that hurt most. Dh doesn't think he has broken our trust. I'm upset by the private dance but would find it much easier to move past than being humiliated by a friend. How can I get over this? I feel sad and pathetic. Goodbye honest marriage.

So, in that vein, what about the women who go see male strippers, and believe me they do actually rub their sex organs in your face, is that just as bad then???

I actually have heard of women who take their men to a lap dance club and let them have a private dance, as a treat.

I'm sorry op what a shit. I don't know what else to say, what a horrible situation.

I've seen a private dance happen. It's so grim, they are naked and grinding even if there is no touching. It would be the end for me, no question.

Do they do private dances at the male strippers? Always thought it was more sitting and watching from a distance (with them on the stage and the crowd in rows).

I'm happy to go and check this out in the interest of science...

That's because you see it as sexist objectifying behaviour AnyFucker, I don't. Probably because, like Whatever, I have had friends who've done this work. It is thoroughly businesslike, hands-off and utterly clinical. These aren't the Soho strip joints of 20 odd years ago, this is corporate entertainment. Still sleazy, apparently, but designed entirely to extract hard cash from men. If women are paid well and kept safe in an environment where men can stare at them, more fool the men, I say. The power lies with the women. And it was on expenses (!) so not family money.

Yes he is an idiot - that's true. And having a husband in the City is no green card to go to these clubs either.

Not wishing to derail the thread by debating the ethics - I just want to say that the men going to lap dancing clubs are being exploited too but not by the naked women.

If you want to see who has the real power and wealth in this dynamic it's not the ones with their clothes off.

Those with real power and those doing the exploiting never take their clothes off for someone else to get off on them. If taking your clothes off empowered you then Obama would be doing a little dance right now somewhere in the White House. It's only because we're in a sexist patriarchy that we even entertain the stupid idea that this gives women power.

Read the book Living Dolls.

Sorry OP - I know this is your life. Time for some honest chats.

And did it further his career?

No, trev, catty was saying to op that simply because she overlooks this stuff, then OP would be unreasonable not to do so

I say OP should examine her own boundaries and make a decision from there

and yes "sex organs" that is what breasts, buttocks and pubic mounds are, and they get rubbed on blokes who pay for it during private dances

And you're right Whatever, it was never a secret, it was just something he had to do as part of "wooing the clients". As I say, doubt it was too stressful for him, but he claimed it was a bit boring after a while.

I guess that's the difference though, it was never something he hid from me. I'm not sure how I'd feel if it had been a secret but I don't think I'd be bothered. There was no physical contact, no emotional connection, so not clear what there is to be upset about. But that's just me. Obviously the OP is upset but I think she's over reacting if she feels he's done irreparable damage to their marriage.

I used to think it was ok, empowering or whatever, and the girls choice they are earning the money, silly men handing over cash etc.

Until I went in one with a couple of male friends. After seeing it with my own eyes, it completly changed my mind, I'm embarrassed I used to think it was ok. It's not! Even the upmarket ones are grim. It did not look empowering in the slightest.

Sorry not trying to derail thread OP.

Dunno about that. Just know that my friend had a deposit for her house four years before me and DP did. It was nice being able to keep my clothes on though to be fair.

Once we start getting in to 'exploitative' jobs (and boring the arse off everyone) we have to start looking at jobs at the banks, in shops where the clothes are stitched up by toddlers, at food companies and that peddle their products to developing countries... it's not just the jobs where people dance around with their tits out that are exploiting.

Anyhoo agree you need an honest chat with DH. Sounds like the boss wanted someone to go in with... maybe DH makes a habit of this... maybe he doesn't. Either way, you deserve to know.

It never ceases to amaze me - the naivety shown by posters whenever lapdancing is mentioned.

Yes there are some clubs where there is a no touching rule - but in many places, this is overlooked and in many clubs "extras" are on offer.

This would be a deal breaker - not only has he has been deceitful but also it shows his views of women as being objects to be bought with family money for his own sexual gratification. His lack of spine is another another issue.

you see this thing where women tell other women they are "over reacting" if they choose to end a relationship when their boundaries are crossed, it's damaging

Ooh dunno AF, think Catty was just drawing on her experiences of having a partner who did this as part of corporate entertainment etc. Didn't see it as her saying OP should forgive and forget necessarily, just that she would... we're never all going to agree. On anything!

Why any woman would want to be with a man who believes that using sex workers is acceptable for any reason whatsoever. is beyond me.

Yep - the boundaries haven't been drawn. No time like the present.

Good luck OP

Good to get lots of views - some see the lap dance as a deal breaker others as a non event. I'm just gutted that once again I'm going to have to question what the truth is. It's the only time that he's lied to me but I've always said that the truth is the most important for me in our marriage.

Think it's his lack of transparency that's the issue OP.

Talk to him x

The lying is the key for you, OP? Yes, I can see that.

Those of you that are pro lapdancing clubs, is it really the case that two men have a private dance with one woman ?

I didn't think that was how it worked.

Are you asking me, Funky? I've no idea as I don't know where he'd be now if he hadn't gone. But he's earning well into six figures so didn't do it any harm.

You're right, AnyFucker, I was saying that and, in retrospect, that was unreasonable of me. Just because I'm not bothered doesn't mean someone else isn't VERY bothered. But I still think it will be a shame if her marriage is damaged by this when, IMHO, nothing has really happened other than the OP's been upset by some woman who wants to cause trouble and I'd move on and forget about it just so I didn't give her the satisfaction.

I thought that was odd too AF!

I'd say the clubs with the extras are in the minority, most of these women are not escorts or prostitutes, they really are just dancers, albeit, they are in they're underwear and usually topless.

Trevor, you are funny, see, it's alright for us to go ogle naked men isn't it, or at least, it's not as bad, double standards there.

I'm afraid nowadays, a lap dancing club is part of the high street scene.

I wouldn't agree that OP and her H should "gang up" on the whistle blower and blame her for the situation this bloke now finds himself in. This is all his doing.