Pissed off.....lies, lap dancing and so called friends.

[Fragglewump]

I thought I had an honest marriage until Friday when out for dinner with friends the wife told me that her husband didn't believe in 'paying for it' and that mine probably only did it to 'further his career'. I felt sick and was baffled but didn't tackle as I was a little drunk and totally mortified about exposing this in public. Cue the next morning when dh reveals that a year ago he went to a lap dancing club with his boss and another colleague. He went to a private room with boss and dancer for a private dance. He didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me and he wasn't proud of it. But he did tell our friend!!! I feel sick and teary. It's the lies that hurt most. Dh doesn't think he has broken our trust. I'm upset by the private dance but would find it much easier to move past than being humiliated by a friend. How can I get over this? I feel sad and pathetic. Goodbye honest marriage.

Fraggle - if I understand correctly your DH did not instigate this visit?

Usually, most blokes are dragged into it by somebody else. This is especially the case if it a work situation and is very hard to get out of it if it is your boss and a client without risk of offending and affecting your career.

My wife certainly would not approve and she worked in the City as did I and we both know it goes on - a lot.

If I were you I would try and work through the exact circumstances this visit came about. Did your husband instigate? Was he a sheep that followed? What is it that really upsets you? What should he do the next time it happens? Why did he choose to instigate or follow? What do you want him to say to the boss/client the next time he is in this situation?

This is only a conversation you can have with him. It has to be a conversation though. Not a shouting match. You have to explain why you are upset and what you want him to do.

AF: In your opinion, maybe, I'm sure plenty lap dancers see themselves as just that and nothing else.

God help anyone man crossing you AF, one strike and he's dead.

Dealbreaker for me. I'd end it without a second thought.

I'm not sure any men would really regard something highly sexually charged that they can get off on later as "a bit daft". I think most of them go intending to get hugely turned on.

That's right, Jan. I am a Manhater. < sigh >

Folk you'd really leave your husband if he went to one of these places?

I find it difficult to understand how so many people I see on these boards are willing to end a marital commitment at the first evidence of failure.

At the point at which someone has broken their marriage vows they have ended the marital commitment. The fact that their spouse chooses to act on it merely exposes it to the outside world. But the marital commitment is already gone.

Ah well - each to their own and all that. Hope you're never in that situation

Let us know how you get on OP

Trev, I can't speak for FG, but I would leave my husband if he went to a LDC and had a private dance. Why is that so hard to countenance ? Do you disbelieve women who refuse to swallow such disrespect ? Who feel so strongly about the negative effects of the sex industry on society and specifically on women that they would take the choice to not have such a man in their one precious lives ?

Was asking FG, ta

Ah, Sent to Coventry am I ?

Well, I don't have one any more, because I kicked him out when I found out he'd registered on extra marital sex dating sites. A few messages had been sent but no meet up had happened.

It turned out to be the tip of the iceberg.

So yes, I would.

and good for you, FG

do you regret your decision and what would you advise another woman in the same situation (just out of interest) ?

If your DH wasn't paying and got a dance from a colleague / friend's wife / random 18 year old would that be ok?

Or is the exchange of money that legitimises this activity?

But for what it's worth, do I care more about my relationship than I do about the 'negative effects of the sex industry'? Absolutely.

Would I throw a wobbler and chuck DP out? No.
Would I high five him? No.

Just genuinely surprised at the outrage. But like I say, hope no one who feels this strongly about it ever has to be put in that position.

Coventry, or Ibiza...

FolkGirl: would you end it if your partner watched porn?

Painty snap.

Do I regret my decision... er... no.

Would I make the same decision again. Absolutely.

Would I advise someone else to do the same thing. Tricky one. I don't know. It's a big decision, but if they decided to stay, I think I'd lose some respect for them.

Perhaps "would you make the same decision again" is a better question, yup

Jan Yes. Guess I'm going to be single for a very long time...

Painty but surely, if someone loved you, they wouldn't do something so disrespectful in the first place.

Trev: well said.

From my experience, men doing this for the first time are not going into it looking to be turned on and get an erection, it really is nosyness, daftness and a bit of cajoling from friends or colleagues, esp if alcohol is involved.

I'd agree that regular users of LDC probably do get turned on and that's how they get their kicks, I don't see the situation with the OP's OH being that.

I'm just not sure why it's the woman's responsiblity to keep the relationship together by not ending it because of their partner's disrespectful behaviour more than it is the responsibility of the partner to not be disrespectful.