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Original poster

Pissed off.....lies, lap dancing and so called friends.

265 replies

Fragglewump · 10/03/2014 11:16

I thought I had an honest marriage until Friday when out for dinner with friends the wife told me that her husband didn't believe in 'paying for it' and that mine probably only did it to 'further his career'. I felt sick and was baffled but didn't tackle as I was a little drunk and totally mortified about exposing this in public. Cue the next morning when dh reveals that a year ago he went to a lap dancing club with his boss and another colleague. He went to a private room with boss and dancer for a private dance. He didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me and he wasn't proud of it. But he did tell our friend!!! I feel sick and teary. It's the lies that hurt most. Dh doesn't think he has broken our trust. I'm upset by the private dance but would find it much easier to move past than being humiliated by a friend. How can I get over this? I feel sad and pathetic. Goodbye honest marriage.

OP posts:
cattypussclaw · 10/03/2014 12:41

Nope, didn't see that AF, just going by what I've been told by friends who've done it, that's it's strictly business, nothing more, and that the girls are dancing on autopilot, completely detached, whilst compiling shopping lists in their heads.

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 12:41

AF: Your assumption that I am implying that anyone with an objection to this sort of thing is wasting their time is incorrect, I am not.

Btw, the people who run these clubs are the ones making most of the dosh and yes women run them too.

cattypussclaw · 10/03/2014 12:43

Yes, they used to, JR. Pretty sure no one does anymore, it went out the window with a load of other banking excesses. It was mostly foreign (particularly Middle Eastern) clients who expected, sometimes demanded, it.

TunipTheUnconquerable · 10/03/2014 12:43

Catty, who told you there is no touching, and do you think there's a possibility whoever it was was trying to protect you from the reality, knowing your dp was a user of these clubs?

It's just, it doesn't fit with everything I've read in research reports and heard from ex-dancers. No touching rules exist, absolutely, but they are regularly broken.

cattypussclaw · 10/03/2014 12:48

No, I only ever got to know any dancers a good few years after hubby ever went. And he wasn't even my hubby then, just boyfriend. We worked for the same company, it was just accepted that they sometimes had to go to these places. If I was out with said clients too, it was also generally accepted that I wouldn't want to go and I went home. Bizarre times, looking back, but that was the culture. Not acceptable but certainly the norm then, as was having your bum pinched and being propositioned. Nasty culture, City banks in the 90s.

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 12:48

Notice not one person has came back with a comment about women watching male strippers....

JRmumma · 10/03/2014 12:56

Ive only ever seen 1 male stripper at an 18th birthday party, in my friends family home, booked by her PARENTS! I can honestly say it was the most degrading thing ive ever witnessed, for everyone in the room and would never want to see one again.

Although i did quite enjoy the film magic mike i must admit...

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 12:59

Yes Magic Mike ahhhh

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 13:04

Magic Mike is all about the actual dancing though... Wink

I saw one at a hen do years ago. It was really pathetic he was dressed as an officer and a gentleman and carried the hen around. I was bored!

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 13:08

Trevor, did we see the same film.....like you never noticed their gleaming bods???

MissScatterbrain · 10/03/2014 13:08

Jan45 - re women watching male strippers, I think it is sleazy and grubby although these two situations are different i.e male strippers generally don't work in lap dancing clubs and links to the sex industry are much weaker etc so the ethics and issues are not the same.

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 13:09

Erm Hmm yes Jan, wasn't being serious!!

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 13:14

MissSC: well, yes but really why is it any different from a woman watching a man strip, it is though and why is that....? A lot of these male strippers actually lob out their manhood too, after blowing it up on one of those vacuum things, eugh.

Men who strip for a living also can work in the sex industry.

DangerMoose · 10/03/2014 13:14

I don't agree with paying anybody to remove their clothes and rub their arse in my face, male or female.

I would not do it out of respect for myself, let alone my partner.

It would be a deal-breaker for me, OP. Trust is a two-way thing. Why on earth does he think he can decide when he's broken it?

SauceForTheGander · 10/03/2014 13:15

I would never go to see male strippers.

It also strikes me as one of those confused thing that women do to attempt to strike out for equality - like the right to down a pint or something. Pointless.

There are also significant differences in the stripping culture and experience.

But while it's women who are raped and killed on weekly basis by men - and nearly 50% of women have experienced some kind of sexual harassment by men there is no level playing field here when it comes to objectification. (Latest reports came out last week on EU figures - apologies can't link stats).

Evmw · 10/03/2014 13:16

I 100% understand why you are upset, but I am guessing he was in a work situation where this was "normalised" and as your "friend" said "mine probably only did it to 'further his career'

I think you need to be very very honest about how it makes you fell, and LISTEN to each other OP

but does this mean he is a cheating sack o shite? No, just a twat

DangerMoose · 10/03/2014 13:19

Why is somebody who cheats any more a 'sack of shite' than somebody who pays people to perform sexual acts for their own titilation and gratification?

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 13:21

Sauce, good points there.

fromparistoberlin73 · 10/03/2014 13:21

whatevs, some people are very agressive here

whilst I would fucking hate it if my DP did this, its not the same as having an affair.

we are allowed different opinions on here, right??

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 13:22

I don't approve of male strippers either

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 13:22

I agree Evmw.

JRmumma · 10/03/2014 13:23

I also thought that male strippers were generally supposed to be comedic rather than sexy, so maybe that is why its more acceptable to a lot of people?

Even if the thought of someone covered in baby oil waving anything at me still seems too grim for my sensitive disposition.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 13:24

OP in your place I would be further exploring the "2 men, one lapdancing woman" scenario your partner recounts

I think it is more horseshit, tbh. Has he said this thinking it mitigates somehow?

OhGood · 10/03/2014 13:24

empowerment through stripping. It's SUCH a bullshit argument. 'corporate entertainment' - sorry, these women are meat puppets and the choice they make is spurious cos its firmly rooted in the broader history of opression of women.

OP, I hope your H understands why you are so angry and disgusted by this, and by his lie. Sorry Flowers

OhGood · 10/03/2014 13:25

PS I go with Evmw