Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Pissed off.....lies, lap dancing and so called friends.

265 replies

Fragglewump · 10/03/2014 11:16

I thought I had an honest marriage until Friday when out for dinner with friends the wife told me that her husband didn't believe in 'paying for it' and that mine probably only did it to 'further his career'. I felt sick and was baffled but didn't tackle as I was a little drunk and totally mortified about exposing this in public. Cue the next morning when dh reveals that a year ago he went to a lap dancing club with his boss and another colleague. He went to a private room with boss and dancer for a private dance. He didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me and he wasn't proud of it. But he did tell our friend!!! I feel sick and teary. It's the lies that hurt most. Dh doesn't think he has broken our trust. I'm upset by the private dance but would find it much easier to move past than being humiliated by a friend. How can I get over this? I feel sad and pathetic. Goodbye honest marriage.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 12:16

Fair enough, catty

TunipTheUnconquerable · 10/03/2014 12:17

But something has happened. OP's dh has done something he knew his wife would find upsetting.

The fact that you say you wouldn't find it upsetting, Catty, doesn't make it nothing in this case.

Original poster

Fragglewump · 10/03/2014 12:17

We are talking honestly but I just don't know how you go about mending trust......especially if one party doesn't see that they have damaged it! I want to mend it and he wants to move on. What can we do?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 12:18

Never heard of a private dance with two men, it's usually one guy, one girl.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 12:18

It is very apathetic to simply shrug your shoulders and say "well, nuffin we can do, lapdancing clubs are part of the high st scene"

apathy

stand by and don't question anything, we get the society we deserve

iloveweetos · 10/03/2014 12:19

Op firstly I recommend you stop reading this thread. Secondly look at your marriage and husband and whether you believe anything more happened and how much you trust him. Ok it was a dick move that he didn't tell u, but is there anymore he wouldn't have told u since? Do you trust him? You do what's best for yourself and your marriage. It's v easy for posters to say leave etc but it is your marriage and whole life.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 12:19

OP, does your husband really feel he has done nothing wrong and that you should get over it ?

Original poster

Fragglewump · 10/03/2014 12:19

Again AF I'm not interested in blaming whistleblower - even though I'm not sure i need friends like that. It was my husband who chose to go, my husband who chose not to tell me and my husband who chose to tell his friend. It is his responsibility and not mine!

OP posts:

cattypussclaw · 10/03/2014 12:21

Fraggle, if that's the only time he's lied to you and he admits he was ashamed of it then, as Paintyfingers put it, it's not a sackable offence. Please don't let this cause more trouble than it's worth. Have a good long talk with your DH, decide between you what is acceptable, and move on. If you're otherwise happy, don't let this spoil that.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 12:21

For me, the simple and straightforward fact that he put me in this highly humiliating position of finding out from somebody else that my H is a spineless user of the sex industry would be the deal breaker

exhaustedmummymoo · 10/03/2014 12:22

fraggle sounds like so called friend doesnt sound very nice, its almost as if she was point scoring...then again I wasn't there so don't know how she phrased it, maybe she had too much to drink but I can see why you are upset, however we all screw up from time to time, if you love your DH you can work through this. I know its the lying that has upset you, but I think he misguidedly thought he was protecting you, that fact it made him feel guilty is a good thing, as in my mind it means he loves you. And yeh bit of a tit telling your friend and not you, but was obviously worried about fall out. Again makes me think he loves you. Good luck hope you can work things out

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 12:22

Who is 'pro lapdancing clubs' here? Don't think anyone that I've seen.

Just some people with a bit of experience knowing people who've been to one/worked at one.

Me and my friends got one (!) in Amsterdam at my friend's 30th (the one who used to dance) - we'd gone to the sex museum and it all got a bit out of hand (I sound like someone's busted husband!). We were sat in pairs and had a 'girl' between us. We were admiring the dancer's shoes and telling her how pretty she was. I got laughed at for clapping at the end!
The majority of the men in there (on stag do's etc) looked very sheepish and gormless and just shuffled in and out like they were being followed.

That's the extent of my lap dancing experience. A one off that was illuminating but I wouldn't want to repeat necessarily. And, like - I suspect - OP's DH, I just went along with what my friends were doing/suggesting because I didn't want to seem like a prude. And ended up having a laugh and finally seeing what all the fuss was about. It was pretty innocent to be honest.

Sure there are some places where 'extras' are on offer. And if OP's DH was in a massage parlour or brothel it would be different...

See what he says OP

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 12:23

frag, I wasn't saying it was you that was blaming the whistleblower, but some of your respondents would have you goign along with that to excuse your husband

it's quite amazing to me how much women will pit themselves against each other to keep the good will of men

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/03/2014 12:23

No, lots of 'good husbands' don't do stuff like this.

However, I'm sure that there are loads and loads of men who do do this who like to consider themselves good husbands. Publicly, they are. In reality, if they want to do something dodgy, they do it and then lie to their wives. Simple!

OP, if I found out my H was in the latter category, I'd leave him. I wouldn't be able to stay married to a man who would simply lie to me if he thought I wouldn't like to hear something. Who would consider it acceptable to have another woman rub herself against him naked and then tell me that he didn't consider that to have broken my trust.

I am really sorry.

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 12:26

AF: I probably am apathetic as there's a lap dancing club on every street corner in my city, you become desensitised and tbh I've more important things to be questioning the rights or wrongs, lap dancing clubs aint on my priority list.

I do think they are immoral and I do think they exploit both sexes, what I do about it is nothing, much like anyone else.

Original poster

Fragglewump · 10/03/2014 12:26

Yes it's the selective honesty that worries me - the easy stuff is easy to be honest about!

OP posts:

Jan45 · 10/03/2014 12:29

it's quite amazing to me how much women will pit themselves against each other to keep the good will of men

AF: just because some of us think it's not a LTB situation, it doesn't mean we approve either, read the posts properly and stop insinuating we're saying it's all A ok.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 12:29

thankfully then, jan, there are people willing to put their objections out there (not saying you should but don't imply that those who do are wasting their time)

cattypussclaw · 10/03/2014 12:32

Well Bruno and I are obviously completely at odds on this one. It is rare day in these clubs where anyone rubs anything against anyone else. My understanding is strictly no touching. And people do tell lies to protect other people's feelings sometimes, and whether that is right or wrong is a matter of opinion. I don't think this is the end of the world, others do. Only you know how you feel. I wish you luck in working out your feelings and your marriage.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 12:32

jan, would you blame the whistle blower or the man ? That is what my phrase you highlighted was referring to. OP was being encouraged to do so upthread, the implication being that all this was some "stirring woman's" fault for letting the cat out of the bag

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 10/03/2014 12:33

Yes, that's the bugger with trust, isn't it?

Once you discover someone has lied - is prepared to lie - to you, then it's game over.

No, you can't say 'yes I know I lied about this, but it was a big scary special circumstance and yes, of couse you can trust me, no I'd never lie about anything else, I'd NEVER lie about having an affair, blah blah...'

Yes, you would. Or rather, you could. Because you've just proved it.

He can and will lie.

You can't un-know or undo that information and it doesn't matter if he spends the rest of his life being squeaky clean, you will know he is capable of lying and that is that.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 12:34

catty, you didn't watch the recent programme "strippers" then where it was shown quite clearly the women were fully naked and that contact with her genitals was part of the private dance experience ?

cattypussclaw · 10/03/2014 12:35

And AnyFucker, yes, about the whistleblower. I think the humiliation of finding out about this from someone else would be worse than the actual act. But that's just me. The fact that it was a woman is neither here nor there, so it's really not about pitting one woman against another.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 12:35

it's not just a bit of harmless titty jiggling, folks

JRmumma · 10/03/2014 12:39

Do city workers really take clients to strip clubs? The thought of it being part and parcel of a work life is the most sickening thought of all for me. How vile to think that the people that are responsible for our money (and lets face it the economy) are sitting around making decisions whilst leering at women and thinking that they are great just makes me want to be sick quite frankly.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Swipe left for the next trending thread