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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bromance getting out of hand?

181 replies

optimism4 · 09/03/2014 11:00

My dp friend treated him to a weekend away for his birthday. One night turned into 3 days when this friend booked it. It was supposed to be a night in newcastle with all the boys but when dp arrived at airport it was just the two of them and friend surprised him by letting him know at boarding that they were going abroad!

Dp is a bit annoyed as baby is on the way and if he HAD to go somewhere, he didn't want to be gone far or for long.

This friend of his is not very accepting of me and sort of pretends I don't exist- I'm never included but this, to me, is a piss take.

Would anyone else feel the same? My family think this friend needs to find a gf and stop treating my dp like one!

They're back tonight and I don't know how to play this...

OP posts:
LeBearPolar · 09/03/2014 14:24

Does you DP have no mind of his own at all? Confused

I can't imagine the situation where I would agree to go abroad with someone for three days if I had set out for an overnight trip to Newcastle!

Either your DP is incredibly spineless or he knew what was planned all along. Neither is a great outcome...

DomesticDisgrace · 09/03/2014 14:25

Oh for heavens sake OP.

I definitely wouldn't put it down to you being "too independent" either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2014 14:26

When did you last go away without him and I bet you called your man whilst gone didn't you?.

Is your expectation of relationships really this low; this is also really sad to read on many levels.

You will become completely dependent on this man of yours particularly when the baby arrives.

You do not need to play the cool girlfriend role here.

Lweji · 09/03/2014 14:27

How did he only find out at boarding, did he not notice it didn't say Newcastle at check in

You can check in online. But then he'd probably need passport numbers then.

Or boarding might have been a generic term.

Besides, many companies these days don't do specific flight check in. You can check in at any of their desks.

Foodylicious · 09/03/2014 14:27

Sorry op don't mean to offend, just used to most people referring to how many weeks they are etc, that way its easier to understand the situation you are in IYSMIM?

So sorry Smile

He has an arse for a 'friend' and is being an arse himself.
I would not be able to put up with this kind of behavior. People let us know what they really think of us by their actions not what they say and his actions/in-actions say a lot Sad.

Have it out with him when he gets back. Don't fall into the trap of avoiding it because you don't want confrontation - your in-actions will be giving him permission to continue to behave in this way.

Joules68 · 09/03/2014 14:27

Well if you are so 'independent' then what's the problem?

Original poster
optimism4 · 09/03/2014 14:28

Yes we live together so typically I enjoy the peace and quiet when he goes away(!) I trust dp entirely and won't apologise for that. I agree he is allowing friend to rock the boat but again, friend is devious. This is the first big odd thing he's done that might open dps eyes to what I've seem for a long time.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2014 14:29

I don't know about laid back or independent but you sound remarkably incurious about the whole thing, that's all. I suppose if you've switched your phone off, there may be a huge stack of messages about the lovely time he's having in

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2014 14:33

"I agree he is allowing friend to rock the boat but again, friend is devious".

He is not the only one being duplicitous but again you do not want to think badly of your man because you will then start thinking about how it is that you've managed to choose so poorly.

What are you going to say to your man when he does return home?.

Logg1e · 09/03/2014 14:33

Are you tempted to turn your mobile on and see if there are any messages or voice mails?

Foodylicious · 09/03/2014 14:33

Sorry OP I keep thinking I am getting where you are coming from but then you say something else and I have no idea!
having your phone off for 3 day seems like very childish and self absorbed behavior. what if something has happened to him? how do you know he is ok?

diddl · 09/03/2014 14:36

Three days?
How fortunate that he happened to be off work for all of them!

AvonCallingBarksdale · 09/03/2014 14:37

This is vair odd Confused
You've got a "few weeks to go", yet you've turned your mobile off? There's no way in hell my DH would have got on a flight to go abroad when I only had a few weeks to go with either of the DC, just because a friend of his had organised a surprise. You may trust your DP entirely, but I wouldn't say he's treating you particuarly well here. He could easily have refused to go. His friend is a red herring IMO, it is your DP that is the problem here.

Viviennemary · 09/03/2014 14:37

Being independent doesn't mean swallowing a fishy tail. If you think everything is fine they OK.. But you obviously don't or you wouldn't be posting and asking for opinions. I'd be checking to see if it really was his friend he went with.

Joules68 · 09/03/2014 14:39

Op, grow up, turn your phone on and deal with this!

Original poster
optimism4 · 09/03/2014 14:40

Dp and friend disappear abroad for 3 days and you call me self absorbed?

I asked for help with how to deal with this particular situation, not to be judged myself and most of you have been very kind and helpful. Thank you.

Others haven't helped at all. I don't think mn is the place for me but good luck to you all. Back to RL support for me. I thought this place was kinder.

OP posts:
LightastheBreeze · 09/03/2014 14:44

I think maybe boarding was a generic term as you would need passport details to book in online and I'm sure if I was at the airport I would know where I was going because it says on those screen things that tell you to go to the boarding gate.

I think you're DP knew and has spun you a line, to avoid a fuss especially if he knows you're not keen on the friend and added a couple of other mates into the story, to dilute down the fact he is with this friend.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 09/03/2014 14:45

OP, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but by saying "others haven't helped at all", do you mean they just haven't said what you want to hear - ie they haven't all agreed with you that the problem is your DP's friend? Because, really, really, he isn't the problem. He sounds like a complete tool, but, presumably your DP is an adult with a free will of his own, whose responsibility is to you. I think being pissed off with the friend is easier than being pissed off with your DP. Hope you get the answers you want from him tonight. good luck.

Logg1e · 09/03/2014 14:49

Which contributions haven't helped OP?

Original poster
optimism4 · 09/03/2014 14:50

Thanks Avon. I appreciate those who have criticised dp as getting a fuller view of who to be angry with was the point. Those that appear to be offended by me have not been helpful at all.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 09/03/2014 15:02

I'm really sorry OP but your dp is taking you for a fool.

You are so focussed on the 'friend' that you can't eve see what your has done.

He expected one night away. When it was changed to three, he didn't ask if that was still ok with you or run it past you at all.

He says he didn't want to go, but he went all the same.

He won't tell you where he is. I'm betting Amsterdam.

His friend isn't the problem - he is. Look at the facts.

  1. He wanted to go, knew about it all along, planned the fake toothache and checking with dentists in Newcastle to make it look genuine.

  2. He wanted to go, was surprised by friend but thought it was a great idea so lied to you.

  3. He wanted to go, didn't bother consulting you, doesn't care what you think or feel about it.

  4. He didn't want to go but was 'pressurised' into it by friend, is too weak to say no, will sleep with prostitute, go to lapdancing clubs, etc. whilst he is away because he will be pressured into it.

Which of those options looks best to you OP?

Personally, I think he planned it all along. The others are just too unlikely.

When he gets back, sti checks for both of you and no sex until you get the all clear. You have a baby to protect.

Lweji · 09/03/2014 15:16

Actually, it should be STI checks in 6 months and no sex until the all clear.
That should give him something to think about.

gamerchick · 09/03/2014 15:18

you really need to focus your energies on your partner.. he's the one who accepted the sweeties from the jar - he didn't have to.

gamerchick · 09/03/2014 15:21

I'll bet if you turn your phone on you'll have SFA in the way of calls and messages.. no earache from the little woman sat at home pregnant with his baby while he goes on on an all expenses paid jollys. :(

hamptoncourt · 09/03/2014 15:28

This thread is reminding more and more of those threads where the DW gets all aggressive about the slutty OW leading her poor lovely man astray and how he just couldn't say no, and it is all her fault.

OP is it inconceivable to you that your partner is away for a weekend with an OW rather than with his conveniently OTT friend?

Either way I have to agree with PPs who have said your expectations are very low and DP seems to have little regard for you.