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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bromance getting out of hand?

181 replies

optimism4 · 09/03/2014 11:00

My dp friend treated him to a weekend away for his birthday. One night turned into 3 days when this friend booked it. It was supposed to be a night in newcastle with all the boys but when dp arrived at airport it was just the two of them and friend surprised him by letting him know at boarding that they were going abroad!

Dp is a bit annoyed as baby is on the way and if he HAD to go somewhere, he didn't want to be gone far or for long.

This friend of his is not very accepting of me and sort of pretends I don't exist- I'm never included but this, to me, is a piss take.

Would anyone else feel the same? My family think this friend needs to find a gf and stop treating my dp like one!

They're back tonight and I don't know how to play this...

OP posts:

scarletforya · 09/03/2014 11:28

Too polite to say no?

That's the problem right there. He needs to grow a backbone.

JeanSeberg · 09/03/2014 11:29

You're giving this friend far too much control - you're expecting your partner's baby yet can't talk about issues that concern you like this. It's a worry.

And it's still not clear where they actually are - has he told you or not?

hickorychicken · 09/03/2014 11:31

Is his friend in love with him?

gamerchick · 09/03/2014 11:32

your issue is with your partner not his friend.. it's him who needs to tell him where to get off.

Sod the competition thing.. if you split up over it then it'll be your partners fault... you need to lay that on the line.

if you didn't have a baby on the way I would be telling you to get rid of this man and he can suck his friends cock all he wants then.

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/03/2014 11:32

It's hard isn't it?

In my case, I played the long game, gathered together a close knit group who could see what was going on, (for support) and never issued an ultimatum. I waited him out until he seriously overreached himself resulting in no contact (sorry for the abbreviation ).

I could have gone down the him or me road and won, but I didn't want to give toxic friend the ammo he craved.
Also I was very young and didn't want to be that controlling wife. I would deal with it differently now, though.

Lweji · 09/03/2014 11:32

Maybe you should explain that to him and let him know that the way it's going he may well lose his family. Why is he worried about upsetting the friend but not you? Is his friend's wants more important than his family's needs? He needs to decide what is more important.

If you let this go, prepare yourself to be left holding the baby while they go on lad's weekends.
This is the time to let him choose.

Original poster

optimism4 · 09/03/2014 11:33

Funnily enough katie this friend has a horrendous attitude towards women and his social networking profile pic is of both of them together. He has a child with a woman he can't stand because she's 'so ugly'. He didn't bother to do anything during the pregnancy out of shame. I know a girl he was seeing who thought he might be gay. I didn't want to mention any of that and sway your views. What do I do, seriously? I don't feel threatened in the least but could do with this eastenders element of my life disappearing.

OP posts:

MyNameIsKenAdams · 09/03/2014 11:34

I thought the friend would need at least your dps passpprt number when he booked the abrpad flight. Its all very odd.

Lweji · 09/03/2014 11:34

He doesn't need to lose his friend, but if his friend can't respect him and his family, he is not a true friend.

hickorychicken · 09/03/2014 11:35

Id ask dp if he thinks the friend maybe thinks of him more than a friend. Then tell him how you feel.
Where are they now?

Dahlen · 09/03/2014 11:41

Talk to your DP about it the same way you've talked about it on this thread. Ask him what he thinks about it. What does he see as the motivations of his friend? How does he propose to handle similar events in the future?

This is basically the same process as affair proofing your relationship, except that in this case it's a platonic same-sex friendship rather than a sexual affair.

Just as many people sleep walk into affairs without realising it, it's possible for others to throw away relationships because they inadvertently prioritise a friendship. Anyone with a modicum of self awareness and the intention of having a lost-lasting relationship realises that they need to consider these things and how to deal with them before they are put in the position where they need the answers.

CailinDana · 09/03/2014 11:42

I had this except it was my friend causing the problem. I kowtowed for far too long and in the end it became clear that in her mind she and I were in a relationship and DH (then DP) was splitting us up. I had to go nc, there was no way to resolve that. We're friends on fb now but that's it. 10 years later she's still single.

JeanSeberg · 09/03/2014 11:43

Why the avoidance of the questions asking where they actually are OP?

Original poster

optimism4 · 09/03/2014 11:43

Maybe that's the way forward- that's not me being angry then but just pointing out how it looks from others pov...thanks hickory

OP posts:

MoonRover · 09/03/2014 11:44

agree with others - superfluous B in your title
friend sounds smitten

what does dp get out of the friendship?

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/03/2014 11:44

Exactly the same as me optimism. I really pitied his poor GF, he was so nasty about her, it was abusive

Try to stay calm if at all possible. DP and him have a history and if he is like my DH, no idea at all of his mates true feelings. To DH mindset, toxic was his best mate who had been through a lot and you don't dump your mates when you fall in love. Which is fine and true when you are dealing with a normal friend...

There is nothing toxic friend will enjoy more than discord between you. Start arranging your social life to exclude him. Confide in your close friends. In the end, my toxic one became a figure of fun due to his behaviours and without me having to do a thing he was shunned.

maleview70 · 09/03/2014 11:46

This smells of bullshit to me. Many of my mates have invented bugus people in the past, drop their names a few times into conversation then low and behold "Johnny" is having a stag do in Amsterdam and all the lads are going etc etc.....any excuse.

Not quite the same but boys will be boys....

Original poster

optimism4 · 09/03/2014 11:49

Sorry. No intention to avoid question. To preserve my equilibrium I have turned phone off lol

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/03/2014 11:55

I found that laughing about his obsession with DH to be most effective
I had songs and everything...

Original poster

optimism4 · 09/03/2014 12:01

That's hilarious. This may inspirey inner songwriter. Might thank him for treating dp to a romantic weekend while we save for baby. NB He did pay for the lot!

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 09/03/2014 12:04

Hums "Can't buy me loo-ooove"

Logg1e · 09/03/2014 12:16

OP My issue is not with dp but with his friend- he seems obsessed!

With respect, your issue is with your dp. He is choosing to spend time with a man who leaves you out.

I would be putting down very clear lines.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2014 12:26

Second the suggestion to talk to DP 'more in sorrow than in anger', tell him that this friend is making a monkey out of him, it's affecting how much you respect him as a partner, and that he has to shape up and stop being led around by the nose.

hamptoncourt · 09/03/2014 12:30

OP you have not said where they are. Also, which airline did they fly with? Most will need a passport number now when you book the flights.

It is totally unacceptable that your DH has buggered off like this, whether he knew or not. Do you think he might be gay?

Optimist1 · 09/03/2014 12:31

I think that by the time he returns it'll be clear to him whether his friend had more than blokey fun times in mind. Even if the intentions weren't at all romantic, your DP's reaction to being railroaded into a 3-day overseas trip a deux instead of a 1-night multiple friends event will be telling.

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