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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

519 replies

DickCrack · 08/03/2014 09:58

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
DickCrack · 01/04/2014 11:33

Thank you mrsc - how are you doing?
I'm sorting out the money today, again, so much to do. I've transferred half the debt to him. My debt situation is no longer overwhelming!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 01/04/2014 11:41

Well that has cheered my right up DC to read that. That's bloody marvellous Grin

Does that feel like a weight has been lifted?

Original poster
DickCrack · 01/04/2014 11:44

Yes I've lost 16 stones of vileness and 17k of debt in 3 weeks.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 01/04/2014 12:19

Result! How good does that sound eh?

Hissy · 01/04/2014 14:26

Grin well done!

Original poster
DickCrack · 02/04/2014 13:33

Apparently he is losing it at work, he looks dreadful, and has lost most of his friends. I think I may actually be coping better than him.
I got in touch with an old flame, he's 150 miles away so no chance of meeting but the chats and texts are a welcome distraction. Friends are still being amazing.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/04/2014 13:43

As mammadiggingdeep observed on Monday his shitty behaviour is coming home to roost.

Good to hear friends (old and new) are keeping your spirits up.

Original poster
DickCrack · 02/04/2014 15:07

It is donkey. I suspect he's having some sort of breakdown. Should I feel sorry for him? I don't know if I do. I've wondered if he's suicidal.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/04/2014 15:20

The five stages of grief people talk about are
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

If you were the one looking a state, not coping, I would say no wonder, you have had an awful shock, poor DickCrack. The trauma of the past month has got to have affected you.

I don't know how common it is for the perpetrator of such pain to be the one apparently suffering. But I have read often enough on here that sometimes the very person who set the whole episode in motion is the one who makes a public bid for sympathy, dressing in a dishevelled manner, acting erratically, even seeking comfort from the same person they treated so poorly.

As you work in the same organisation he knows that things will get back to you. When he said earlier that there are two sides to every story he was casting himself in the victim role. Maybe this is a ploy and is more of the same.

Turnthepaige · 02/04/2014 17:02

DC - I just want to let you know that I think you are bloody amazing.

Your boys are incredibly lucky to have such a loving, sassy mother who don't take shit from nobody! Keep going and keep enjoying the small things in life, take long walks with your two boys and keep smiling.

Even when the nights roll around - keep busy, learn some new cooking skills, read, decorate - keep chucking out all the old shit he left behind and remember to treat yourself once in a while. Maybe a new hair cut to go with this weight loss?

You are doing OK. and you are aloud to break sometimes. Just make sure you have chocolate, wine and good friends with you. You must be due a girls night out soon? ;)

Seriously, you are doing amazingly.x

Original poster
DickCrack · 02/04/2014 17:05

Oh turn thank you, that means a lot. I am due a night out soon - I think I know someone who can babysit :-) x

OP posts:
MrsC1969HJ · 03/04/2014 09:42

DickCrack, isn't it heartening when you realise things aren't going great for them! Loved your post above about looking dreadful and losing friends, a mirror image of my H. Yesterday I found out that all is not rosy with his OW, she is a complete control freak and has even hooked her phone up to his to check his texts...hence why he told me I could only email him! How insecure she must be. He is also only allowed out for 2 hours on a Friday. To think that he had so much freedom here, I trusted him (fool) so didn't check up on him, he came and went as he pleased...she must know he's capable of anything so it's the tightest leash! How long will that last do you think? You are doing an amazing job, well done, keep it up and you will get through this and come out shining! :-) xx

Original poster
DickCrack · 03/04/2014 18:08

Well your ex deserves all he gets from her mrsc and she deserves the special paranoia that comes from being with a known cheater. He probably wants to leave her already but can't as he'd lose face.
My own ex continues to behave strangely. Colleagues tell me he's speaking to no one at work, he has shouted at someone at work too. He will not speak to me at all. Tonight when he dropped the boys off I asked him if he was ok as people at work say he's behaving oddly and is he safe to have the boys? I got a mouthful of abuse and him stomping off in a strop.
I can't understand it, he was desperate to leave, he was cheating, he is seeing the kids twice a day, why is he not happy???

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 03/04/2014 18:47

I can't understand it, he was desperate to leave, he was cheating, he is seeing the kids twice a day, why is he not happy???

Because he has just found out that the grass is not in fact greener. Its amazing how they suddenly come down to earth with a bump when they realise that the thrill is in the secrecy, but when they are "out" life is just the same as it was before, except that everyone thinks he is an utter fuckwit and he has to wash his own pants. Suddenly the life that made them "sooo unhappy for years" doesnt look so bad after all, of course this realisation comes too late for them to mend the marriage. At which point they have to blame the ex (in this case you) for ruining their lives because otherwise they have to blame themselves, which is something that the average cheater can no more do than fly to moon.

MrsC I would be so tempted to send him a text saying "Wow, it was amazing, cant wait until you can get away again xxx" and then send a "Oops, sorry, texted you by mistake Wink" when you get a "WTF?!" from him/her :o

But I am a fucking bitch :o

Original poster
DickCrack · 03/04/2014 18:52

Oh mrsc please do what bogey suggests.
Is it common for them to behave like this after they have cheated?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 03/04/2014 19:00

In fact, buy a new sim from Poundland and send it from that. It would be worth the £5 top up just for the laugh :o

Hissy · 03/04/2014 19:00

My dad blamed on the OW for all the woes and sorrows in his life.

Then he told us he was marrying her.

I told him that i'd prefer it if he told the truth, and not slag her off, when clearly it wasn't (rue, or he'd not be stupid enough to marry her.

Lost pretty much any respect I had for him that day.

Hissy · 03/04/2014 19:03

Oh bogey, i'd be buying a job lot of sim cards, and sending her him random messages every other week or so.

Be sure to send them in the middle of the night too "miss you honey, wish you were here..."

Genius!

Bogeyface · 03/04/2014 19:07

Ok thinking more about it I would actually follow it up with "SHit, sorry did I send it to the wrong phone?xxxx" :o

He who lives by the sword.....

Queenoftheworld · 03/04/2014 19:50

I am so proud of you! I have just checked in after a couple of weeks - you are doing so well! Thanks Remember that every time he loses his rag it is because he feels out of control and he feels you are winning. You have come such a long way in a really short amount of time. Impressive stuff.

MrsC1969HJ · 03/04/2014 19:53

Bogeyface...Oh my God I haven't laughed so much in a long time! I'd LOVE to do this. My H has screwed me over so badly, my thread is a bloody novel in itself. I had no idea I could do this. I'm a fucking bitch too, well it's in there somewhere...can dig her out if I need to :-). Will look into this :-). I feel your pain *DickCrack"...they are such idiots. My H is protesting happiness..but I don't see it in his face, just lashing out at me....I hope he gets all he deserves in life for putting the kids and I in this situation! xx

Bogeyface · 03/04/2014 19:57

MrsC I was going to tell you what I did to the OW but perhaps I had better not as it got me a quiet (albeit sympathetic) word from the Pohlees :o

MrsC1969HJ · 03/04/2014 20:13

Oh please PM me...am desperate to know...could do with some ideas :-) x

Bogeyface · 03/04/2014 20:20

I have posted this before so no need to PM but I really dont recommend you do this! It did get me a word from the police and as they will know it is you it could make things worse. One to keep in the fantasy bank though :o

After I told her she could have him she texted back that she didnt want him, it was just no strings fun for her. So she helped wreck my marriage and it didnt even mean anything...I was fuming.

So I posted the topless picture she had sent him on to a no strings website along with her phone number. After several hours of calls texts and dick pics she called the police, who contacted me (how did they know?! :o) and said that they understood why I was angry but if I did it again I would be arrested. I didnt do it again, I didnt need to. Personally I think she should have been grateful I didnt post up the full tit and minge pic she sent him, but I thought it might have put more people off than it attracted.

I did say about being a fucking bitch didnt I? Wink

MrsC1969HJ · 03/04/2014 20:29

LOFL!! Love it! I would LOVE to do something like that...I follow "She's a Homewrecker" on Twitter...which must drive OW mad (she checks up on my page), wondering if I am going to "name and shame"...I might..one day...! Nothing wrong with being a fucking bitch. H's OW is so desperate to keep him, she gives him an "allowance" every week, she's gone for him by the jugular..and has treated me in ways you couldn't possibly imagine..but I will have my day...:-)

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