My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

[DickCrack]

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

Yes I agree, I can't understand why they so blatantly don't care about me and the boys. They have supported him, his mother has effectively paid to set him up in his flat. They haven't enquirer about the boys at all. They've had five weeks notice to arrange something else for her 'big day' ffs. They should try managing the devastation I've felt. That's slightly more significant than the absence of my children from a lunch.

Agree 100% with Irian

Not heard a word from my ex since he punched my door on sat. 3 texts this eve, wants boys tomorrow despite me telling them I'm taking them to seaside. Then this response to me asking him to tell his sister not to bother me again:

Whatever has been said to you I don't know. I do know that I am upset that they are missing an important family occasion. I also know that they are in no way too young to be away from you in order to go to my sisters. You have no right to deprive them of that. They are my children too. I would never say you can't do a family thing with them.

Is it me or is it mental that he walked out on me and the kids 4 weeks ago and still all anyone is concerned about is his mothers birthday lunch???

Not mental at all.

I'd be inclined to say 'you fucked off out of our lives a month ago. Forgive us for not being up to playing at YOUR HAPPY FAMILY, we're just trying to make sense of our own. If you gave a flying fuck about the welfare of family, you'd know what hurt you'd caused and why you and your bully boy relations are bang out of order pressuring us. You're a big boy, man enough to walk out on your wife and kids, so man enough to break it to your mother that you're responsible for her extended family not being able to make her birthday party.'

Hissy. Perfect :-)

I'm away with the boys,at my friends by the seaside. Have heard nothing from ex. At all.
However did get poisonous text from his sister today the gist of which was I have been selfish and failed to do the right thing by ignoring her previous text and failing to allow him to bring the boys to his mothers lunch but instead brought them to my friends. I didn't even read it all. Took my friends advice and deleted it without reading.
I'm a bit concerned by his ominous silence though. Home tomorrow. Don't want to go home :-(

Dick he probably wants you to worry..which you are doing. Enjoy the rest of your stay and don't worry about what he's doing. Ignore his sister, they have a bloody cheek, all of them, after all of this! Keep going girl, you're doing great. Hope you've had a fab time :-) x

Do you think mrsc? I have asked him to confirm a contact schedule so many times and he just will not do it. Nor confirm how much maintenance he intends to pay next month. Anyone would think it was me that had the affair. His sister has really pissed me off with her complete lack of empathy, though she isn't the brightest and only looks out for herself and her mother who she never cut the apron strings to.
Ex didn't go to her bloody birthday meal either.

Oh probably, all this sulking and being quiet. I would be glad of the peace myself. I feel so much better when I don't hear from my H, it's hearing from him/seeing him that screws me up. Have you sought any legal advice yet? If you haven't already, you need to go to the CSA to organise maintenance and actually, I'd be inclined to give HIM a contact schedule, not the other way round! Up to him to then discuss or offer alternatives. You do wonder about some people, the thing is, if she is a mummy's girl as it seems, you're not going to get any sympathy there, they are only interested in supporting him aren't they? Take no notice of them. I can't believe he didn't go after all that! What a tosser! :-O

He's surfaced this morning with a load of demanding texts. Says he wants the boys from Monday - Thursday. Sent me this:
You are being malicious and vindictive towards me and my family who have done nothing wrong. You are not taking the boys views into consideration.
Grow up and move on. We are finished. Our relationship re the boys is not. They deserve to have two loving parents. Not a mummy who is appearing to use them as weapons. Stop this mental drama queen bullshit please and put them first.
I have no idea what he's on about. I really don't know what to do.

don't reply at the moment is my advice - what a nasty bullying text he has sent you. Horrid man. Do keep the copy of the text though. And do also apply for child maintenance through the correct channels. He has all the power and is using it to bully you. Time you took control back.

Remind yourself how hellish the relationship was, how he cheated and chucked your family under a bus.

Don't bother to reply. All his vile nonsense is him saying what he'd be most upset to have thrown at him. He's trying to hurt and guilt trip you.

Joke is, you not going to his DM's party is understandable in the circumstances, without the rantings of your insane SIL. He chose to snub his own mother as opposed to rallying round. He exacerbated her disappointment.

Ok, I accept that perhaps she would have wanted her GC there, but the whole family has failed spectacularly to support you, what on earth did they really expect?

Mon-thurs is the majority btw. It'd mean you'd get no maintenance. Doesn't he work? Wouldn't they just be in childcare during office hours?Don't agree to anything. he cheated on his family, he doesn't get to take the upper hand.

Oh what a cock. I've had all of the "grow up and move on" rubbish too. You are not married are you? If not, he has absolutely no parental rights over the children hence cannot "demand" anything. He's throwing his toys out of the pram because you have stood to him. Indeed, the boys do deserve to have two loving parents, however, he forgot his loving parent duties when he was screwing somebody else. I would ignore it as Lavender says. Apply for maintenance and supply him with a contact schedule that suits you. Have you talked to the kids about this?

I think he's only on about mon - thurs this week hissy. Yes, we both work full time. Kids are in nursery / after school club with total childcare bill of £900 per month.
The whole thing about not putting kids first really irks me. If I didn't care about the kids I'd have let him take them 300 mikes away to his poisonous sisters house. I could do with a break tbh. But they would have been upset without me. I've tried to make Easter nice for them by coming to my friends, she has a 10 yo boy who is brilliant with my two, we've been for picnics, to the beach, the safari park. I'd rather have been doing my own thing. I'm not using them as a weapon. Am I?

If I apply for maintenance i will get much less than he has proposed previously so I'm a bit scared to do it. The amount they will set will not cover my outgoings.
No mrsc we aren't married but he is on birth cert. I think that gives him rights?
I've ignored it so far. My friend isn't up yet, I'm waiting for her real life advice!

I have spoken to boys about contact but they are too little really to understand days / frequency questions properly. Ds2 agrees to anything! Ds1 says he wants daddy to come home :-(

No you are not using them as a weapon. His name being on the birth certificate has nothing to do with parental rights. You need to seek legal advice with regards to maintenance so you have a formal agreement. However, I believe I am right when I say that unless you have a parental rights agreement, he has no say over the children.

I wonder how long it will be until he cuts the amount he pays you. If he is paying too much legally you cannot demand that continues - the CMS level is all you can demand if you have to take the child maintenance route. I am in the same position as you and my solicitor said all I could go for was child maintenance at the set rate. If he pays too much I cannot expect that to continue or demand it does either.

I think him demanding 4 days is far too much - has he had them overnight yet since the split? Seems v extreme to expect so much and then if you refuse start namecalling.

If on the birth cert he does have parental rights. It changed in 2003.

Yes it did Lavender, sorry, I should have checked before posting. The law has indeed updated since I had a similar problem in 1998. Right, so on that basis, I would suggest as I have before that you put a proposal for contact to him and get a statement of arrangements drawn up. You really need to seek legal advice for this. It is a bloody nightmare, I have similar problems with my STBXH. However, you need to try and be businesslike and practical, he is ranting because he feels out of control and you're not dancing to his tune.

I agree - proper proposed contact, regular days and times. Write it down and give it to him as a fait accompli - no asking. Tell him these are the times they are available - if he doesn't agree then his loss.

I think you need to work out a way that you're not so dependent on him paying more than he is technically required to in order to make a go of this.

Could you reschedule your hours so that you can reduce the childcare bill somehow?

I wonder if there is a way to draw up a binding agreement to guarantee the maintenance and establish the contact schedule

I agree hissy, it's obvious I am not going to be able to rely on him in the long term and need to find a way to manage alone.
I am back home now. I am still trying to be reasonable so I sent the following text:
We are home safe. After some persuasion ds2 has agreed to go swimming. What are your proposals for tomorrow?
And I got this back- I don't feel I can go anywhere with this, I don't understand why he's so angry when it's him who had the affair, him who left. He's seen the kids most days since he left at his behest, apart from when I've been away:
I am not making proposals. why should I? You just dictate everything and you have no right to. I am their parent too and have as much right as you. I will pick them up at ten and take them out for the day.
Please someone help. What do I do? I'm scared he will take them and not bring them back. It's actually occurred to me that he might harm them, he's so erratic and angry. I really don't know what to do?

Dick if you are really frightened for the kids safety then I would refuse and insist on supervised contact at a centre (I think I mentioned that to you before). It might take a week or so to organise so you need to be prepared for the fallout. I had to do this but I had no choice as I had had an incident at my home and social services and the police became involved. Anybody else have any suggestions here?

He still has a key to the house and he's not done anything yet- I feel vulnerable and have no proof he's any risk other than a feeling. Would a contact centre accept a referral in these circs? If he kicked off, and he would majorly, I'd be afraid he'd come in the house.

You can self-refer Dick but it doesn't happen overnight. I would ring 101 for advice, see if you can speak to a family liaison officer. Tell them you feel vulnerable and are concerned about the children. I managed to get it organised within a week. You need to change the locks too. That is essential.