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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has left me and my 2 boys this morning

519 replies

DickCrack · 08/03/2014 09:58

It's been coming a while. 1 shag in 3 years lots if rows. This morning I found loads of dirty texts he sent to another woman. He's gone now. Ds 5 witnessed a lot of my upset this morning. I'm ashamed. What do I do?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 03/04/2014 20:34

I have read your thread and yes my love, you will have your day.

Just remember, whatever did or didnt happen, she knows that she only has him because she has almost literally nailed his feet to the floor. And she knows that he will leave, sooner rather than later at which point you will say "Oh, you want to come back? No love, I dont fucking think so!"

MrsC1969HJ · 03/04/2014 20:55

Have you? Thank you, I appreciate that Bogey...you're not kidding, no way back for us even though I do still love him. Tragic isn't it? I am wondering when she's going to actually give a second thought to her still warm husband?! Hmmmmm

Sorry Dick didn't mean to hijack! :-)

Original poster
DickCrack · 04/04/2014 00:04

Don't worry mrsc but please do the text thing.
Well I've had another bad evening. People at work keep telling me he's unstable, shouting, acting strange. My friend says he's playing the pity card but its not working. So I got concerned about him having the boys. Thought I'd be mature and call him to discuss my concerns. He made a huge fuss about answering the phone at all, claimed to be " fine" said he misses his family and is angry at me for saying hurtful things !!!! Then hung up on me, turned his phone off. So I've texted saying keep away from me and the boys until you can demonstrate you are stable. His behaviour is so weird, you'd think it was me having the affair not him. I was worried tonight, really worried as he was late back with the boys, in case he'd taken them away. He's mental.
What do I do?

OP posts:
MrsC1969HJ · 04/04/2014 00:12

Well he's obviously suffering. Good. I've had all of this and the same fears. Without going into details as too long, my husband had to see DS at contact centre for a few weeks. You may have to use that route x

MrsC1969HJ · 04/04/2014 00:13

My H has done that too..late back and worse, switched off phone, nearly died of panic. It's all effect.

Original poster
DickCrack · 04/04/2014 00:19

Effect? You mean like the pity me I'm all dishevelled and upset act? What an arsehole he is. I wouldn't take him back if you paid me!
How do you get to use a contact centre? Would I need a solicitor?

OP posts:
MrsC1969HJ · 04/04/2014 00:59

Indeed, the very same. You can self refer to a contact centre, Google it, you will find one locally. Ring them and see how it works. I got a referral from my solicitor but as I said you can do it yourself. It means he will have set and supervised contact with the kids and you will know they are safe. If you have worries about his mental health and behaviour, then do it. Even if it's a short term solution. They are brilliant, and will advise.

MrsC1969HJ · 05/04/2014 10:12

How're things Dick..you OK?

Original poster
DickCrack · 05/04/2014 12:02

I ended up in a&e last night. Dad has septicaemia and pneumonia. It's extra complicated as he has dementia so needs help with loo etc. he has lost mobility totally. He's been admitted to ward now, on IV antibiotics, just hoping they will work. I'm still with my mum. That bastard has the kids. I feel like I'm an episode of eastenders. Not sure when I'll be back home, mum not coping well. He will look after boys until I'm back. He's already saying he's taking them back to his flat. Though he's trying to be nice.

OP posts:
ohldoneedtogetagrip · 05/04/2014 12:19

Don't fall for this charm Dick he knows you are in a vulnerable position right now and will be doing his best to play supportive H and dad of the year.
I am so sorry for your DF and DM, your DF is in the best place to get better, please concentrate on yourself and your DM right now
Flowers [hugs]

MrsC1969HJ · 05/04/2014 13:28

So sorry to hear about your Dad Dick, I hope he makes a full recovery, bless him. He's in the right place, getting the right care, look after you and your Mum. Hope the kids are OK with ex. He's still a wanker though.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/04/2014 16:51

It never rains but it pours, what a worry. Sorry for your trouble DickCrack accept what help you-know-who offers and be there for DF and your DM.

babycow38 · 06/04/2014 03:02

Just wanted too give you my support DC , been their and worn the t shirt as i it were. you are going through such a tough time at the moment, it must seem awful. when my dm was dying ,STNEH said he could not have the dc and take time off work because it wasnt his family!! this after 17 years. I was supposed to be sitting with my mum but he couldnt be bothered to take one night off work, she died ,at home with nobody beside her, i will never forgive him.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/04/2014 12:57

Oh babycow what an utterly despicable cunt (I very rarely use that word but he deserves it). That really doesn't deserve your forgiveness.

I hope you are ok now. I don't know what else to say because that has taken my breath away

babycow38 · 06/04/2014 16:38

Thanks Bit, i am, it was five years ago and i just bottled the resentment up, just have to remind myself when i still feel like i want him back. How are you DC, hope you are okay today.

Original poster
DickCrack · 09/04/2014 22:04

Dad came home this evening. The infection has subsided but the dementia is worse. Such a relief to get him home. My ex has been here for the boys lots, which I have hated but has been necessary. Tonight when I got in I asked him why he had done this to us. He was standing by the door with his coat on ready to leave the moment I walked in. He said he wasn't going to tell me over and over, that he was turned on and flattered by the attention and admitted the guilt had caused problems between us ever since - nearly 3 years. Then he said he wasn't going to discuss it further and walked out. I rang him last night to get him to have the boys, he was crying when he answered the phone. Why if he's so unhappy is he not begging for forgiveness and wanting to come back?

OP posts:
MrsC1969HJ · 10/04/2014 11:23

Glad to hear Dad is home Dick, bless him, it's not easy, my Nan had dementia and my Dad is showing early signs so I do feel for you. Glad ex has stepped up to the plate and is helping out, hope kids are OK. Goodness knows why he is behaving like he is, maybe male pride or something? He is clearly unhappy. Do you want him to beg and ask for forgiveness or do you want him to do it so you can tell him where to go?! x

Original poster
DickCrack · 10/04/2014 12:29

I want to tell him where to go mrs c. I want to destroy him. I'm really feeling angry today.
I've considered approaching her at her work and calling her a dirty home wrecking whore in front of her colleagues. I'm not far off doing it.
I can't seem to calm down today.
I think I haven't given any space to this while dads been so ill and now I'm flooded with it.
Dementia is such a cruel illness.

OP posts:
MrsC1969HJ · 10/04/2014 12:35

Oh you poor love, I know so well how you're feeling and have come close to doing the same myself. Don't. Don't give them the satisfaction of saying "look, psycho ex"...I would say he was pretty destroyed already! You haven't had time to deal with this with your Dad being ill and it has built up. What are your plans today, can you give yourself a couple of hours to do something for you? Whatever that is. God I know it's hard. When I feel like this, I will ring somebody who will just listen or go for a long walk or go round the shops, anything to distract. Have a good cry and punch some pillows too. xx

BitOutOfPractice · 10/04/2014 12:44

Oh dc it's so tempting to do something like that. But don't. You will regret it. Trust me.

Angry is just part of the emotional spin cycle you're on. How about harnessing it todo something constructive. Have you seen a solicitor? If not, make an appointment today and write some lists about what to ask them

Keep going. You're doing great

Original poster
DickCrack · 10/04/2014 12:50

I've just raged at him, told him I'm going to kill her, that I'm outside her house. I'm not. I'm at home. I've called him all the names under the sun. I'm livid.
I've booked to get my hair done this afternoon.
I still want to kill him.

OP posts:
babyboomersrock · 10/04/2014 13:07

OP, I haven't been on your thread until now, but please go and meet someone or go to the shops or anything which stops you thinking for a little while. You will get yourself into trouble if you start to threaten her.

I know how angry you are, but don't give him any ammunition to use against you, please.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/04/2014 13:27

I think he needs to feel your rage.
He can't possibly understand the impact this has had.

Get your hair done and chill out there for a while.
You will calm down but rage will come again.
It will be like an emotional rollercoaster ride for a while to come.

Keep going! You are doing so well.

Original poster
DickCrack · 10/04/2014 14:05

He freaked out and got a friend to call me to calm me down. He will not discuss the issue.
She's walked away with no consequences.

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 10/04/2014 14:17

please don't get yourself into trouble - they are not worth it.

don't forget he was the one who was unfaithful, not her. Don't give her the anger that should be for him. And don't behave in such a way that they can both say psycho ex bunny boiler - that will just give him justification for leaving you.