The Dating Thread 71

[TheCrow]

Welcome to all daters :)

Folk Your posts really resonate with me. The guy I am seeing is really lovely to me and takes care of me when I am with him and just doesn't give me any reason to doubt him so instead I doubt myself and wonder what he sees in me. He is out of my league and I am just waiting for him to realise that. I haven't mentioned it to him in any serious way but when I said jokingly that he was out of my league he was astonished.

So all this waffle and no advice but doubting someone hurts but not as much as doubting yourself. Could you talk to him about it?

I've been messaging another guy off Tinder too...would you believe it another postie!!! How bizzare! Someone somewhere obviously thinks I need to date postmen lol.

Can't decide whether to meet him or not! he only lives 6 miles from me but has 3 kids whereas postie#1 from earlier lives 30 miles away and has no kids???

Tinder is doing it for me!

girlie Mm, my daughter is 7. It's a tricky age, isn't it? I think little and regular sounds like a good idea. She did like him though, when she met him, didn't she?

oldfashionedgirl I just feel very confused most of the time. My anxiety levels have been through the roof for the past 3 days. I'm beginning to wonder what I'm going to be like when it comes to going away

louby I know he's with me now and that's how I should look at it, but I can't help but wonder if he looks at me and thinks horrible things about what I look like - or compares me unfavourably to other women. Even if he's prepared to overlook it. If he does, it's all internal, he makes references to 'beautiful women' generally but doesn't identify anyone. He certainly doesn't pass comments on other women or anything like that. He 'glances', but then so do I, but he doesn't stare or behave disrespectfully. He told me I looked beautiful before we went out last weekend and then said, "but you always do really", as an aside, almost like he didn't think it had really been necessary to say anything in the first place - he wasn't really saying it to me, he was on the other side of the room. I know how annoying all this negativity is, so if he compliments me I just smile and say, "thank you" and leave it at that.

Hello I think in my head I'm thinking I'll use the holiday to really gauge things. But at the same time, I'm worried about being several countries away and realising that he isn't interested. But even while I'm typing that I'm thinking, FFS, don't be so fucking ridiculous, he wouldn't have suggested you go away together in the first place if he wasn't interested.

I just feel really unhappy and insecure sometimes and it isn't anything he's done. It really is just me He was lovely yesterday, I saw a completely different side to him, as he would have done me, and I really liked it

I think intellectually, I get it. But emotionally it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I'm sorry, I know how annoying I must be getting. If it's any consolation, you only get the briefest snippets of what's actually rattling around in my head [sad smile]

folk we all have moments of self doubt; when I was with my exP I used to ask him "but why do you love me?" I wanted that reassurance and reasons as to why anyone would love me again after my marriage broke down.

It's all about confidence and learning to love yourself. I know I'm a good person, I'm kind and bubbly and a decent person. I don't need anyone to tell me that anymore. I'm sure your counsellor will help you work through all of this.

Believe in yourself!

Just back from first ever online date, with Toyboy. He looked like his photo, was easy to chat to and good company. Not for me though. But now feeling a lot more confident about my next daye and OD in general.

louby did you have the little "yeah but..." voice in your head? Because I know that I'm a nice person. And I'm kind and thoughtful. And lots of things that, if I'm honest, I wouldn't have been able to say about myself before I split up with my ex. I think I'm reasonably attractive and although I'd like to lose 1/2 stone, I'm happier with myself physically now than I have ever been.

But then the "yeah but..."s come in. Physically, I don't think I'm too bad - definitely grown into a reasonable hourglass now just "being thin" has stopped being my qualifying attractive quality. But for someone else to think I have a nice body, they would have to reject common held beauty ideals. The same goes for my face really! I think I'm ok, but definitely quirky looking. I'm not someone people would look at and think "ooh she's pretty" or whatever. And I often get told I'm a 'lovely' person... And I don't think men do generally think I'm attractive because I never, ever get 'chatted up' or approached by men when I'm out. I can't remember the last time anyone did, if ever!

And if you did have the "yeah but..."s, do you still get them now, or have they gone altogether?

Sorry, I do just have to share this.

My son (15) has just come into the kitchen and given me a hug. He then said, "I just wanted to tell you, mum, that I did really like X. I found him a bit difficult to understand because he is so softly spoken and his accent but... well, he was just such a sweet man"

I love my children.

folk that's so sweet of your DS. My kids amaze me sometimes too, inbetween driving me mad!

Yes I do have those moments occasionally, but at 45 I'm past caring what people think anymore. I push the thoughts aside!

I've been having some counselling too since my split from exP and my counsellor has made me see how lucky I am to be surrounded by people that love me for who I am. I've been told I'm attractive, I can't always see it but then we don't always see the whole picture do we? We are our own worst critics!

I hate my hair and other bits about my body, but I'm stuck with them so best just get on with it!

Your fella sounds really lovely!

sola good for you jumping into the OLD game! Onwards to the next one....

Folk, you are right I have been stressed and no new relationship should do this, thank you. I'm not certain that men set their expectations lower as they get older, do women? I think as we get older we just have a better idea about what is important to us, what is negotiable and forget about the really unobtainable. Why did he tell you his ex girlfriends were all beautiful, A)because he likes beautiful women and you are too otherwise he wouldn't be with you B)it was an off the cuff remark c)He doesn't turn hostile and nasty on his ex girlfriends d) genuinely sees beauty in people. I'm sure it really is just your niggling self doubts, maybe talk to him about how you feel, if he really is the right one he will do everything he can to help put your mind at ease.

Louby, why postmen I wonder? I wish I could try Tinder, but I have windows 8 phone.

folk got one eye on come fine, other on roast dinner for me and friend but wanted to say your son sounds amazing!

And if he gives your bf the thumbs up then you should too.

Do you do anything else for yourself that makes you feel good and you're good at and something you really like? Nothing kids based! Eg singing class/group, art, etc? That may help with self confidence. Sorry if I'm saying obvious.

Come Dine even! I'm a bit a la Keith Floyd here glass Chianti one hand stirring gravy and on iPad on other!

mouse it's really strange as my last date a few weeks ago was also an ex-postman who is now a teacher.

And, my first ever date (back in 2007) when I very first did online dating was....a postman!

Something is going on here I think

Am seeing postie#1 again on Saturday for lunch!

Hello all, sounds like lots of you have got to the stage introducing kids, feels me wiht dread. DS is 13, thinks I am a bit mad for OLD, have been honest with him. Well been a busy weekend, have telephone call with lets call him mr Sensible, date on Tues with mr Train driver and have finally spoken to someone I have been messaging for weeks I think he sounds lovely and we are hoping to meet him next week. All this has made me resist texting mr SA who incidently has not replied to my last text. ho hum

FG your son sounds so lovely .
Please don't keep over-analysing though, or it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I need to follow my own advice, though

Jarlin Sounds like a lovely night was had there . Glad it's going so well.

Solsasum Glad the date went ok, at least you've got that one out of the way so the next won't be as nerve-wracking.

Folk IIRC you've been at the point of ending it before, haven't you? I'd say that's just your insecurities talking - definitely discuss all this with your counsellor. You say he doesn't love you and you don't love him - how do you know he doesn't love you? Is it just because he hasn't actually said it? You also say that's good because it's not what you want - are you sure you're not trying to sabotage your chances of finding love and happiness by telling yourself it's not what you want, when really it's something you do want? Lots to think about for you but you sound lovely and more than worthy of receiving (and giving) love.

LittleBlueMouse Sorry but he sounds awful. Just the bit about his exes being mad, which I assume you've heard from him rather than witnessed first hand, makes him sound like an arse. Personally I couldn't date someone like that, especially as you said yourself that he's manipulative and red flags are flying. Why bother with such hassle, especially after only a month?

Louby Mr Postman date sounds fab!

Well I've had a couple of days of illness, so by this morning I still hadn't responded to MCS's text about him coming over tonight but not being able to fit me in for weeks after that. I'd already decided not to see him tonight but was working out what to put when he sent me another message this morning, basically reiterating that he'd love to see me tonight (yeah, right ) but isn't sure when he'd be able to see me again after that and he didn't want me to be waiting around. Waiting around, ffs! I'm not sure if it was the sheer arrogance of that 'waiting around' bit, as though I've got nothing better to do than wait for him to get in touch, but I saw red and responded. I said that I'm not the kind of woman who wants to be shoehorned into someone's schedule and if he can't make time to fit me in, it's best to leave it. I then is wished him luck for his new job and pressed send. And you know what? I felt good about it!

Until a bit later when he replied, saying that's exactly what he means - that I deserve better and he doesn't want to mess me around because I'm absolutely lovely (but clearly not lovely enough to actually be with ). He admits he's become quite selfish in the year since splitting from his ex and that's not good for sustaining relationships. Then he said he'd like to stay in touch and asked if he could meet me on Thursday lunchtime (we work 5 mins from each other). Remember, this is the man who said he could see me tonight but didn't know when he could see me after that. Now I've binned him off, all of a sudden he has a window and wants to see me? Bloody men!

louby you're right, yes... Good luck for your Saturday date!

BlueMouse I don't know. Probably all of those..? He doesn't go on about them and hasn't said "all my ex gfs were beautiful" but that's definitely the impression... I certainly don't feel it's done to make me jealous. And, as such, it doesn't make me feel jealous. I just feel a bit inadequate, and I feel sorry for him that I'm the person he's seen out in public with. I know that that's ridiculous intellectually, but my exH was embarrassed to be seen with me because I wasn't attractive enough. And I also know he's an adult and wouldn't go anywhere with me if he didn't want to... He's also said his mother was beautiful and his SIL was beautiful. He definitely appreciates, um, beauty. Which I just find a bit confusing.

Hello do I do anything else... ha ha I sing in a choir and solo; dance; play another instrument in bands as and when required; run... I don't have time for anything else. My confidence in doing each of them has improved massively, but my general self confidence in terms of my general worth as a person is unchanged

You're right MyChild I do need to stop over thinking...

POF guy actually finally asked me to meet him... at his 'for a drink' I said yes

Soft Shhh...! I might hear you and realise you've got a point. It's absolutely what I want but I don't believe it will happen. So I tell myself that it's not what I want so that when it doesn't happen I can also tell myself that it wasn't what I wanted anyway...

So what are you going to do about MCS then?

Did you, Crow..? Are you going to meet him?

'my exH was embarassed to be seen in public with me because I wasn't attractive enough' WTAF?! What an utterly disgusting excuse for a man

Littlebluemouse I've actually found both a lovely guy who doesn't play mind games, does what he says and I fancy him

Took a long time

Yeah, I'm way too curious about him not to! It's like a crazy amount of pressure though, but I've already got plans for the pub in the afternoon with work friends so will hopefully give me some dutch courage

Crow on reflection, he and his friends were just really immature. He was a virgin when we got together at 25. His friends either were, or had very limited experience. They were still making lists of actresses they fancied.

I was a bit of an embarrassment to him because I didn't look like Monica Bellucci. I think he felt my lack of beauty reflected badly on him. I wasn't allowed to go the bar he managed when the previous girl he had dated was and I didn't meet any of his friends until the first of them got a girlfriend. By the time his friends also started getting into relationships with 'ordinary' women, it was less of an issue for him. But the damage was already done

I should have got out then, really, but as you've probably realised, my self esteem/confidence/sense of self worth weren't up to very much.

Go for it and have fun! But be careful

Crow Are you going to this man's house for your first date? I think that can only end one way in the bedroom .

Folk There's nothing wrong with wanting to love and be loved by someone but I can see why your mind tells you what it does. At least you recognise that though, which is a good step forward I'd say.

No, I'm not meeting MCS on Thursday. It helps that I've got a half day off that day so I'm leaving work at lunchtime anyway, which gets rid of the temptation. I haven't text him back yet though but I'm tempted to make some comment along the lines of I thought he couldn't fit me in? Sod's law that the minute I bin him, he's round me like a fly round shit .