The Dating Thread 71

[TheCrow]

Welcome to all daters :)

Awwww thanks Folkgirl yes definitely be eventful with 5 boys ha ha!

Children are self interested creatures but I think they still want their parents to be happy as they pick up when your down and they feel down too

Everybody is different. I think the reason me n this guy are involving kids is because he has custody at mo n so they take up a large part of both our lives

Of course everyone does it differently. I wouldn't pass judgement on the way other people do things. Except when children are introduced as a way of validating a relationship, I do have an issue with that.

My parents separated when I was an adult (well just before my 18th birthday). My dad did it brilliantly. We met his gf/later wife and we did things together occasionally, but he didn't insist that they came as a package or anything. She is the only relationship he had after my mother.

She on the other hand had a series of boyfriends/partners/husbands and from day one we were expected to accept them both as a couple. She wouldn't see us without the man being there and when I wanted to discuss something with her in confidence she said she wouldn't promise not to tell her latest bf because they didn't keep secrets from each other

It probably has clouded my judgement but I have been surprised over the past few days and just how strongly I felt about it. On Friday night I had to go round to my friends' house and talk it through with them just to avoid cancelling the holiday and, ultimately, ending the 'relationship'. Part of it is because I am worried about introducing them to someone, only for it to go wrong because that would make it even harder for me to ever consider introducing them to someone else in the future.

Argh, it's all getting big in my head again!

folk you are doing it sensibly. I have not yet had to worry about me introducing my children to anyone , however. .. my ex who is on gf no 3 in 9 months , wants to introduce kids to each woman more or less straight away. No way. I have managed to finally get him to agree, each new gf is "the one" , but one month later they are all over. So it is at least 6 months seeing someone properly before partners can be introduced.

dippin Thanks. What your ex is doing is exactly what I mean about validating. Even if the next woman he meets is 'The One', why do the children have to meet her so soon?!! Surely they should just be enjoying the early child free days of a new relationship!

I'm having a bit of a wobble (what? me! That's so unusual... )

WRT the holiday he and I are taking - we will be spending a couple of nights with his mum before going on to their other house on our own. This is mainly out of respect for her; she's elderly, she and I don't speak each other's language and we would like to share a bedroom... There's a chance I'll be meeting other family members and an old and very good friend of his.

When I've told people I know, from the man nearing retirement at work; to my close friend and her husband; my friend's Aspie dad; my best friend; to my favourite, er, 'frenemy' and anyone else in between (I've told everyone!) their responses are always the same "I think this is more serious than you're letting yourself think it is..."; "he must really like you if he's taking you abroad to meet his mother"; "this is the second time he's asked you to go abroad and see where he's from/meet the friendsandfamily, he must be serious..."; "Ooh, he loves you...!"... et cetera ad infinitum...

But when I told him I was nervous about going and meeting them he told me not to be daft and we were just going on holiday, not getting married in Vegas Which is true, we're not. There's part of me that thinks he's oblivious to how this might look; the part of me that still worries he's not really interested and I'm just a convenient way to pass the time every other weekend...

I've met his local friends (and some of them he's known for nearly 20 years, so these are good friends) and some of his colleagues and they understood me to be his 'girlfriend'.

On a related aside, the counselling is helping. I started believing I am simply unloveable. I've now started to consider that it's more likely to be the case that I just don't recognise love when I see it. My friend's husband disagrees. He said I can see love, it's just that my reaction is fear and panic followed by an overwhelming urge to run far away in the other direction. This man definitely doesn't love me though, that's not what I want either.

And now I'm back at thinking I should just end the whole thing. Oh just ignore me. I'm going to have a cup of tea and go to Sainsbury's I think.

I'm just really beginning to see that I'm not at all ready for any of this dating/relationship stuff and, although I don't want anything 'serious', I'm not very good at doing not very serious either

My ex keeps telling me I owe it to myself to be happy but he equates being happy with being validated by a relationship.

Hey dating thread

I've been absent since my weekend away..... just dropping in as I have a little update I wanted to share. Going to have a good thread catch up later too.

So it's been 2 months now, things are going really well with Niceguy. Really really well. We said those three little words for the first time last night . I'm so happy today. I'm at work but very distracted keep remembering

Folkgirl i really think you should talk this all over with your therapist.

I sort of understand why you must be tortured inside but if you don't get this sorted out long term then you shouldn't be dating seriously or not - and sod what the ex says!

It's all very well other people telling you well meaning stuff about your bf, you going away etc and so on but if you're not happy, deep down, 2nd thoughts then you owe it to yourself to get sorted out.

That's the one thing i take from Kent Lad, though it was a shock etc at least he's sorting himself out and I'm not there hindering him or trying to cope (think I'd be doing both of the latter!) with it all.

I would also say though to therapist you want a time limit (I've done that or had suggested to me).

Hi all.
Will catch up on all the activities on the thread soon, it's pages deep now!

Quick update, very unusual for me but two dates this weekend from OD site. I met let's call him Mr bear yesterday having talked online for about a week and one phone call. I liked the sound of him on the phone and these days insist on at least one call pre meeting as I think it can tell a lot from a phone chat and rule in / out from there whether to actually meet.
He was my type personality wise, nice and chatty and interesting, physically a 'cuddly' build which I like but not too tall, about 5 8in which is what I like. At the end he mentioned meeting again though he then mentioned work, seeing his child etc and a busy few weeks ahead, I said we'll see what we can come up with, left it like that.
he texted later saying he really enjoyed meeting and would I be up for meeting again soon. I said yes. So far so good.

Next date is today later on. same thing, chatted about a week, one phone call. He sounds ok, worth meeting though he works a lot of shifts and we have opposite child free weekends, not so good....but will see how we get on.
I've not been having any luck the last while so it's nice to have at least had one successful (mutually) date yesterday. I've not been on the OD site at all really since exchanging numbers with these two, can't be bothered with it and would dearly love to wave it goodbye completely...here's hoping!

Hello Yes, I think that's the conclusion I'm coming to myself really.

Hansel would either you be able to re-negotiate your weekends with your exes if it starts to look like it might be going somewhere?

I wouldn't Folk, my ex is extremely uncooperative so it would be down to today's date.
I do wonder how with kids, jobs, etc people ever manage to get and keep a relationship up and running. I've not really had the pleasure of a relationship for over five years now and it just seems so hard to firstly -find someone and secondly, slot into each others lives!

Folk, sounds like things went well and I’m sure you are very lovable, only you can’t see this. Don’t act rashly and end it, you know it’s niggling self doubts, maybe discuss with your counsellor before you have that lovely break with your man.

Lizzie, that sounds shit, are you sure his company is worth sacrificing your greater security and happiness for? You deserve better.

Hansel, Mr Bear sounds lovely does he have a brother?!

I have been seeing a guy for a month and at first I thought he was lovely but having niggling thoughts. Ex girlfriends were/are all nuts, he blows hot and cold in the extreme, in love one minute and distant the next, trying to manipulate me towards dependency saying we shall fall deeply in love and then too busy to meet up. In fairness we have much in common and similar outlook on life, similar goals, great sex and laugh a lot. But I am taking time out and stepping back because I am sure he will hurt me, just a sixth sense...am I mad? I haven’t fallen for him which I think is bugging him, but with so many red flags flying I feel I have to take things slowly. Only guy I have ever met I have felt I could really fall for and know I will almost certainly get hurt Damn it. Should I just go with it, he gives me butterflies and is exciting or should I just settle for a Mr Nice Guy?

Hansel I think it requires people to be mature and considerate. My exH is still with the OW, but I would never make it difficult for him to see the children or be awkward just for the sake of it. I've swapped weekends with him when it was her birthday and he is having the children for me for the week when I go away. But without that give and take it would be very difficult. I think he wants me to have a relationship because it will make him feel less guilty about everything, but it does at least mean that he is reasonable and it's worked well so far.

I don't know how people do it otherwise.

Bluemouse I don't blame you for stepping back. The good stuff sounds fantastic, but the red flags are flapping wildly, aren't they . I think would want a Nice Guy. I couldn't cope with all the stress!

FolkGirl I'm only saying what I'm saying due to seeing you on here and you are trying your best with your bf (forget name) but it seems to be conflicting with you internally.

It does seem as if your ex in a way wants you to be happy because this makes him feel less guilty (etc) but you have to be happy in yourself!

maybe ask therapist more about seeing bf and your doubts and see if you can combine both.

Folk it's good that your ex is reasonable but so he should be and yes there might be guilt involved from the hurt he caused you. Making your life easier is the only thing he can do to try and make up perhaps in his mind. I don't know but just a hunch.
I didn't cheat or do anything hurtful to my ex apart from wanting out of an EA relationship where I was very unhappy. To this day he has not 'forgiven' me and takes every opportunity to 'get back' at me. I have to keep communication to a minimum as it always ends up in a snipe or dig...there seems to be no end to it at all, years later as he feels justified in his own mind and to him that's all that matters.

Just had a really lovely coffee date with Mr Postman, much better looking irl and we chatted non stop! Nicely dressed, attentive complimented me on my eyes (ahh) touched my arm a few times, big hug at the end and asked to see me again, which I agreed to.

So, we shall see. And this is a Tinder date...only matched last Sunday!! Much better than silly winking and all that malarkey!

Hello I know, I don't mind what you said. I needed to hear it really. I am having huge conflicts. We met OD. I only messaged him because I'd woken up at 4 in the morning and always felt more brave then - I always punched above my weight in the early hours I didn't expect to hear back from him because I didn't think he'd be interested in me (didn't think I'd be good enough) and if it had been daytime, then I know I wouldn't have messaged him because I laughed at myself for being such a wally in the cold light of the following day! When he replied I replied to him out of surprise really.

He's the absolute opposite in every way to anyone I've ever gone out with. He's travelled extensively, and has been out with some very beautiful women. He told me a couple of months ago that he wished he'd met me 20 years ago because I'm just the sort of person he'd have wanted to settle down and have children with. But in reality, I suspect that 20 years ago he wouldn't have looked twice at me. I suspect that he is only interested now because he's approaching 50 and probably doesn't have the options he used to have...

He has no idea about any of the feelings I have about any of this. None at all.

Hansel I think you're right. We don't fall out, occasional disagreement about the children, but I think you are right about it being his way of making up for it. That's fine though.

Good news louby

Off to see Mr weekend clash now!

Sounds fab louby!

folk you sound so lovely but seem to doubt yourself very much!

He's with you now and you have to remember that. Live for the moment! That's my motto!

Folk - I just have to say, besides my musings on therapy (I think it's great if you need it etc... for anyone!) that whether you're with a man (this one) or not you REALLY need to get your confidence etc sorted out!

You really do seem to doubt yourself as Louby says and I'm not sure this would be a good idea to say this to him (it opens you up, you may feel better but...depending on how he is etc it can open it up a bit too much for him etc) - well at least not now, if ever.

I'm not going to lie, I HAVE known some men that when they approach a certain age their options do run out etc... but this man DOES NOT sound like one of them, at all. In fact the last man I knew like this (close male platonic friend for 7 years, dated 3 months, disaster!) it was the push for him to finally settle down, with a woman who had a child! (his big bugbear). His previous gfs had been 10-15 years younger, very pretty, no kids...

That is really why I said in my last post about combining the therapy with seeing him. I just wouldn't want you to down the line to still have issues etc... do you see?

Oh louby sounds like another tick for Tinder, we all seem to be having great results with Tinder

Hullo, Folk my dd is 8yo. We popped over to smallfeets house this morning for a couple of hours and it was fine. I am thinking little and regular in terms of how often dd will see him.

I don't think there is much chance of me having lots of men friends coming and going through dds life. My last relationship was 7 years ago and if this one doesn't work out I would prob wait another 7 years before putting myself out there again!!

Folk I have said it before and no doubt will say it again - your chap sounds lovely please allow yourself to believe it!!