The Dating Thread 71

[TheCrow]

Welcome to all daters :)

Oh it's like dontcallmehon paradise on POF at the minute. Dark haired geek with glasses, 6 foot +. Me likey.

So so unhappy. While in a pub with Mr Cute who I've been seeing for over 6 months, and who I just spent a beautiful 2 nights with, he opens his phone browser, and I could see a Match com dating site on there. Tonight I checked and found his profile.

It felt like a punch to the stomach.

Why do men do this???

Im so sad

maybe one of our men can throw some light on the subject please??

Did you not quiz him about it Lizzie? After six months I'd say you have every right to know wtf he's up to!

I'm so sorry to read that Lizzie. I know just how you feel.

Did you have the "exclusive" and "coming off sites" chat or was it left open? You'd think it would be bloody obvious after six months.

The age thing is interesting. I tend to like men who are 10 to 15 years older than me but those my own age and younger just don't attract me.

Lizzie After 6 months of seeing someone regularly I wouldn't have thought the exclusive chat was needed but maybe it is. I don't know what I would do but would prob have to mention it to him.

I think I am falling for him and it is freaking me out.

Update, this is just plain weird guy who went for drinks is also scottish, wtaf, so do I call him Mr SA2. He was good company and chatted for hours, I like the fact was he so spontaneous. Just jumped in car and drove and hour to meet me. Has money good business, grown up kids so time to date. Lets see, would meet him again but he needs to do the chasing, think I need that now.

Hi everyone, thank you for replying. No I didn't quiz him, I was far too shocked. We didn't even meet online, we only even saw eachother very sporadically until he moved to my area recently, I don't think I have the right to question him this early on, but I m gutted. I am a nice trusting honest person who clearly likes him,so why is he looking!!!
should I pull back and let him get rejected online a few times? Im just so miserable

lizzie so sorry to hear you are upset. You say you checked match and found his profile did you notice whether he had been online recently, because on match it says when they were last online.

Could it be a profile he just hasn't taken down yet as he may have forgotten/ subscription not yet run out, as opposed to actively looking. Just a thought

Santa Oh no, brand new profile, was online after I left last night! I mean WTAF, his life is complicated enough with little time to spare to see me! He was the one who wanted more from me...

Oklizzie well in that case and after 6 months I think you have every right to call him on this, tell him what you've seen and the fact he was online after you left and do it face to face and watch him squirm.

How dare he, I don't understand it either but unfortunately I have little trust in men now. When are you due to see him again?

Lizzie - after 6 months I wouldn't expect or stand for this and I think you do have the right to question him about this.

Who knows what he's been up to/who he's been seeing? For your sexual health etc (but hopefully you've been careful) I'd be concerned and trust issues. Even worse if you didn't meet online and he's put one up now.

I do think some men are like kids in a sweet shop or after the next best thing regardless of who they're with and OLD only facilitates this.

I just don't think I am strong enough to confront him, and I don't want to see him squirm. I will keep an eye on him online and not let him get too close to my heart.
FML

Hi scarey
I'm slowly realising that men of a certain age (40's) don''t want flipping commitment! They want their lives compartmentalised into 'previous family' 'friends' 'people I'm seeing' and 'work'. We just have to fit in to one of theses and not have it all. What is the site though?? I may have to resort to it myself!!

LB

Hi Scarey, I think it all sounds like its going great! My only advice would be live in the present, don't fret too much about the future enjoy your life and the times with him and I'm sure if its meant to be it will escalate to more something more serious....3 months is really early days, imo. Good luck

I just don't think I am strong enough to confront him, and I don't want to see him squirm. I will keep an eye on him online and not let him get too close to my heart.

Lizzie, I'm going to be harsh. This seems like a rubbish strategy. What do you hope to achieve by it?

You are hurt by this, so it's too late to protect your heart. You're rightly hurt by it as it's crappy, unexpected behaviour.

It's been going on for six months, he's now moved closer to you. The natural order of things is to see if things intensify, not start pulling back because you can't trust him. If you need to protect yourself then discuss to see if it's fixable and the barriers can safely come down again, or get rid.

I'm a big believer that people will treat others as crappily as they are allowed and you are giving him carte blanche to dick you around when it's clearly not what you want.

lizzie i agree with alittlestranger after 6 months, this is not cool. Either confront him, ask him what he's doing or get the hell out of there (I'd be inclined to do the latter either way)

scarey glad to have settled your mind. I've got to say "Get the Guy by Matthew Hussey" on Amazon for less than £3 for kindle version is the best £3 I think I have ever spent!

I know this is a rubbish strategy!! I just cant bring myself to address it with him! Especially now it's after the event, what the hell would I say!
I'm so crap at confrontation, I wouldnt know where to start

Lizzie be really lighthearted about it just say, "you know the other night when you went on your phone I saw you had Match.com open.....you on the look out for someone else" ha ha blah blah? If he comes up with some BS you'll know he's lying and you can move on. I wouldn't bother having a go at him, just walk away he's not worth it. If he opens up and says that he doesn't want to be exclusive you can discuss things with him about exclusivity and then at least you know where you stand.

scarey and Lizzie I've come to that realisation too.

A lot of men in their 40's do want it on their own terms and compartmentalised. But I think a lot of women of a similar age or younger are equally the same way.

eg Kent Lad he wanted to meet a woman with her own property in London so he could stay with her/move in with her (he had his own property on South Coast) as last year (April) he'd got a job in London after working for years on South Coast. Then there was all the childcare to do with his teenage son which was quite a lot and seemed to involve childcare when it suited her for mother of teenage son with her 2 new children.

As a few people I know IRL pointed out, the above was fine but what happens when the teenage son grows up and/or doesn't want so much contact with the father?

It really is a balancing act.