What do you think of these messages on DH email?

[nigella123]

I don't know what to think but my stomach is in knots.
He has sent a long email giving a lot of business advise to a woman I also know at the end he has signed it " You are amazing and I am your No 1 fan and chairman of your fan club."
Her reply is "thanks so much for all your advise and help. There is so much I would like to talk to you about - do you think that?"
He replied "We are definitely connected with the same passion, drive, and motivation for life and living"
This was a few days ago - no response from her?
I have not spoken to him about it just trying to process it.
What would you make of these emails?

[BeforeAndAfter]

Nigella

I think the question should be can you forget about her?

[AnyFucker]

OP, why do you keep asking us whether he can forget about her ?

This isn't about him now

It is about whether you are willing to sweep your husband's affair under the carpet like he wants you to, which if you do I would bet a large amount of money he will do it to you again

Either with her, or some other Lucky Lady that he falls into ridiculous romantic infatuation with

[WhateverTrevor83]

Yep - I agree with AF and Before. She's immaterial. It's about how you feel about him now and whether you have any respect or trust for him left.

Please don't let him mope over her any more!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Plodding along doesn't usually mean partners treat each other with such disrespect. Maybe she is a good person because she told him to get a grip and stop pestering her. What was the good of the marriage counselling if this amazing 'rapport' or 'bond' with a third party never got brought up?

[QueenofallIsee]

I am not an expert but if I were you, I would let the OW know that YOU know and have seen the hard evidence. Women like that are after the ego boost in a 'safe' (to them) way, once she realizes she has been caught out she will run a bloody mile. Then you can focus on whether you can get past what your husband has said and done.

[drnoitall]

What a horrible, sickening situation. I really feel very sad for you.
I could not be with my dh if I knew his mind was elsewhere, his heart was longing for someone else, even if what you seem to believe is true and that he is trying to "resist" the ow.
That couldn't work, every touch, every kiss, every moment I'd be paranoid he was thinking of the ow woman. No can do, sorry but that I could not live with.
I hope you get the outcome that suits you and your needs
And not the outcome he wants because he's such a saint to resist.

[Millyblods]

What matters now is what YOU want. Even if you want to try to rebuild your relationship you still need to separate for the short term. He needs to feel that he could potentially lose you and his family. But also yoy need to be by yourselves to go through the process of realising what he has done, grieving and then getting stronger. Then you will be in a better position to know your true feelings. Also do you want to be with a man who doesn't think you are his world and who is totally in love with you.? Surely anything less is not worth having.

[Millyblods]

What matters now is what YOU want. Even if you want to try to rebuild your relationship you still need to separate for the short term. He needs to feel that he could potentially lose you and his family. But also yoy need to be by yourselves to go through the process of realising what he has done, grieving and then getting stronger. Then you will be in a better position to know your true feelings. Also do you want to be with a man who doesn't think you are his world and who is totally in love with you.? Surely anything less is not worth having.

[Russianfudge]

DonkeysDontRideBicycles makes a good point about the counselling - you go in to couples counselling expecting the other to be honest. Did you give up private feelings during counselling that left you feeling open and vulnerable? If so then he was making a fool of you I'm afraid because he didn't mention the small matter of being infatuate with someone else!

No one means to pick on you Nigella, I think we all just want you to stay angry!!

[GarlicMarchHare]

OK, nigella, I'm going to give you permission to ignore it all, if you want. You will give him unspoken leave to conduct fairytale romances elsewhere, as long as he doesn't rock any boats, and you will have identical tacit permission from him. If you can live like this you'll be in good company - an awful lot of marriages work this way.

Do be honest with yourself, though. I thought I could do it, and it hurt like hell. I wasn't able to respect my partner without honesty on both sides, neither did I feel respected.

[ormirian]

Doha! Stop it! Why would you want to be so pointlessly cruel? Don't you think nigella is aware of all this?

Please stop with the tough love everyone! Been there, done that, got the extra scars from the 'tough love' on this board. Nigella will get where she needs to be in her own time. Put the knives away. You're hurting her, the victim, not the cheating wanker of a husband.

[Doha]

ormirian l was not saying it to be intentionally cruel. I am sorry if it came across that way.
OP's DH has been obsessed with OW, living in his own fantasy world for a long time now. There seems to have been 3 people in this relationship for quite a while .
I wish you well OP, you have some hard times ahead of you and l really hope you manage to see this for what it really is. A full blown affair.

[Doha]

There are some people on MN who jump to report if someone dares to put on paper what others have been thinking.
We had been discussing this thread at work and that was the first thing that was said--and not by me but agreed by many.

[AnyFucker]

it may not be at all palatable, but what Doha says is nothing but the truth

and yes, I doubt that this thought had not already entered OP's head

[Millyblods]

If OP didn't want people's opinions then she wouldn't have posted. It's not tough love, a lot of it is actually constructive even if she wants to stay together.

[AbleAble]

Doha that is a horrible thing to write. Why would you write that?

[SueEllenShotJR]

OP, an (emotional) affair does not automatically mean the end of a marriage. There's a lot to consider so take your time, think things through and do what's right for you and your circumstances.

[ormirian]

Oh I don't know but IMO it wasn't palatable nor was it helpful or constructive. Her imagination will already be working overtime. The facts are

1. Her h has shat on their marriage. The extent to which or the manner in which he has done so is irrelevant.
   

1. She has to decide what to do.
   

Helpful is to offer advice or share experience isn't it?

[SueEllenShotJR]

We have social rules in real life which mean we don't blurt out every single thought we have to other people, no matter how true it might be. We can still be supportive and helpful on the internet without rubbing faces in crap.

[Lovingfreedom]

Yes but when you're getting all the minimising bullshit from your cheating partner it's useful to have the 'wake up and smell the coffee' comments on here. He's obv had an affair and he's obv obsessed with this woman

[AnyFucker]

I hope to think that MN tells you the painful things that your family and friends skirt around (even though they are thinking it) because they are too close emotionally to the situation

How many times do we hear after a permanent split or whatever that the people close to you hate your ex's fucking guts but never felt able to tell you ?

[Pepperami]

I hope to think that MN tells you the painful things that your family and friends skirt around (even though they are thinking it) because they are too close emotionally to the situation.

Also known as a good ol' twist of the knife!

[FabBakerGirl]

"he likes her but wants us as a family more."

So he wants her then..