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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What do you think of these messages on DH email?

222 replies

nigella123 · 06/03/2014 04:07

I don't know what to think but my stomach is in knots.
He has sent a long email giving a lot of business advise to a woman I also know at the end he has signed it " You are amazing and I am your No 1 fan and chairman of your fan club."
Her reply is "thanks so much for all your advise and help. There is so much I would like to talk to you about - do you think that?"
He replied "We are definitely connected with the same passion, drive, and motivation for life and living"
This was a few days ago - no response from her?
I have not spoken to him about it just trying to process it.
What would you make of these emails?

OP posts:

Report

emmelinelucas · 09/03/2014 18:23

!

Russianfudge · 09/03/2014 18:53

Can you trace back two years ago and relate it to our lives at the time?

I'm sorry OP, I don't know you. But you are settling for something a million miles below what you are worth. This guy is beyond weak.

ormirian · 09/03/2014 21:19

He is a self-indulgent wanker. I wonder if ever, in all this romantic hankering he thought about you. Deciding to play the martyr and stay despite continuing to be in love with someone else doesn't count as 'thinking of you' btw, it counts as deception and selfishness. You can't help how you feel but you can help feeding the infatuation. He should have gone NC with her, decided to focus on you and attempt to rekindle, or been honest and left. This is the worst of both worlds, he keeps up the facade of a nice guy and good family man and he gets to keep his delicious fantasy. And you can do nothing because you didn't know and now you do he can shrug, hold up his clean hands and say 'but I didn't DO anything, see how good I was!'

Gah! Sickening. Kick him out, at least until he takes you seriously and tries to comprehend what he has done. Twat

myroomisatip · 09/03/2014 21:37

you know, as this progresses, I am also finding it hard to think that nothing physical happened.

It is a very sorry state of affairs really. But it seems that he has her on a pedastal and where does that leave you? Not sure that this is something I could recover from, well actually, I am sure that I couldnt!

nigella123 · 10/03/2014 04:11

Well a lot of you are right - he has kissed her!

It was over 2 years ago and just once and after that he had NC with her for 6 months.

Then after 6 months she emailed to wish him happy birthday. He was happy to hear from her and asked when they could meet up but it seems she couldn't. Then seems NC until he emailed to wish her happy christmas and then after that the emails pick up a bit.

What he is saying does ring true because it coincides with his emails. He still doesn't know i have seen them so he isn't fiddling about with his story.

He is very sorry.

I just feel depressed. Can hardly get out of bed.

OP posts:

Russianfudge · 10/03/2014 04:34

So why does he think you are raising it Nigella?

It's horrible that he is providing a drip drip drip of info. Is he at least running the ship and telling the children that mummy's poorly? Maybe try to find that last bit of strength and use it to tell him how this week is going to go.

If you need to be in bed he needs to support you. Is he showing any remorse?

BeforeAndAfter · 10/03/2014 04:50

I'm so sorry OP but I think he probably slept with her...

If they had opportunity for a kiss I can't believe it stopped there with all of the pent up passion they describe in their messages to each other.

He's following the script now and only confessing to the lowest 'crime' he can get away with. He'll drip feed until you present him with the evidence.

Has he not challenged you as to why you're questioning him? In his shoes I'd be decidedly confused if you suddenly started quizzing me about this woman.

nigella123 · 10/03/2014 04:54

Yes he has been looking after the children and has been very remorseful. I don't think he has slept with her and I do believe what he is saying as it does tally with the emails and what it says in them.

OP posts:

ItIsAnIdeasGame · 10/03/2014 04:58

He may have thought that kissing was a lesser crime. For all his protestations he does seem to have tried to kept on the right side of his moral line. I obviously understand that he is utterly misguided about this.

Russianfudge · 10/03/2014 05:03

I guess it depends where they were but there aren't many situations as an adult where a kiss stops at a kiss.

The script is to confess to the smallest crime. Has he deleted any messages since you've confronted him? I'd demand to see his phone right now incase he's given her the heads up.

Are you strong enough to contact her and tell her he's confessed that they slept together, she what her reaction is?

Is he in the bed next to you? That's the worst. And sleeping soundly I bet

nigella123 · 10/03/2014 05:04

yes I think he feels in a way he hasn't done anything wrong. He said the kiss made him realize the path he was going down and so told her that he cared about his family more and that there would be nothing between them.

Then there wasn't for nearly 2 years aside from the odd email.

Then in the last few months email contact seems to have increased plus he has met her once but he said they only discussed work. He said she is a good person and he likes her but he wants us a family more.

OP posts:

Russianfudge · 10/03/2014 05:06

Saying all of that, even without sex there has been a huge betrayal so maybe it doesn't need a huge worming at this stage

Russianfudge · 10/03/2014 05:08

I'm sorry nigella but he actually told you his other woman is a good person?

You really don't need to hear that. This man is a joke.

Why does he think you've raised it?

StupidFlanders · 10/03/2014 06:18

As I said before; you never saw all the texts which will now be deleted. That's where the personal stuff would have come out.

Lovingfreedom · 10/03/2014 08:13

Kissed her once? A likely story....unfulfilled needs? Hmm..

bringbacksideburns · 10/03/2014 08:25

Cobblers!

'He said the kiss made him realize the path he was going down and so told her that he cared about his family more and that there would be nothing between them.' - then why did he still contact her and ask when they could meet up. She said no. What would have happened if she had said yes?

OP - Please tell him to give you space and move in with friends or family. You are telling him this is okay because he is still there. Don't you see? Let him sort himself out and tell him you have a lot of thinking to do. Take control.

Tiredstilltired · 10/03/2014 09:24

I don't necessarily think he slept with her. I know a lot of people who have had emotional affairs which included kissing and desire, but they couldn't take it to the next stage. For them it felt a step too far and a step there would be no coming back from.
Does he know about the emails? Hold back on what you know. How does he think you found out?
The length of time this has been going on would hurt. She has been 'in his head' for years. That would crucify me and make a mockery of all the happy times we had during that time. Most infatuations or crushes pass with time unless they are constantly being fed.
Thinking of you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/03/2014 09:28

Two things you said yesterday that I wondered about.

my friend said there was a chance they were going to split but it didn't come to anything. They seem OK now. She never seems very interested in her DH but then again no one I know is?

This friend of yours who knows her, are they close friends, you never had any impression she was trying to warn you?
The comment about her DH, do you mean he's a bit of a nonentity? Or that generally wives aren't interested in their own husbands?

Am not surprised you are feeling depressed. Has your H asked why you are all of a sudden asking about that female?

nigella123 · 10/03/2014 10:43

No my friend doesn't know anything for sure she is closer to me than to her and would tell me if she knew anything - just what I remember her saying a while ago but nothing in depth. I don't know if they are close really just friends so OW wouldn't really tell my friend too much anyway I don't think.

I find in general that most of my friends are not really that interested in the DH but she is especially disinterested. Everyone I know married 15-20 years and everyone just seems to 'plod along'? Maybe thats just people I know or my perception that may not be correct.

I told him I had seen the texts where they said they missed each other and how much they had enjoyed seeing each other etc

Do you think given that it has gone on for so long that he will be able to forget about her?

OP posts:

nigella123 · 10/03/2014 10:44

I know he wants to forget about her but do you think he can?

OP posts:

daytoday · 10/03/2014 10:54

Sadly, I think you have more to find out.

You are constructing what you think happened in their relationship based on the written emails you have seen. How many phone calls or face to face conversations have taken place? What exactly did they do when they met up for coffee?

I think the written communication is the tip of the ice berg so to speak.

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 11:04

I know he wants to forget about her but do you think he can?

I don't know, I'm more interested in whether you can tell him to fuck off.

C'mon OP. You deserve soooooooooo much more than this. Let them play their pathetic love story out... it'll all end in a huge disappointment as anything built up this much over this amount of time is going to seem like it wasn't worth the wait.

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BeforeAndAfter · 10/03/2014 11:10

Sorry I know I'm going against the tide here but... They build up this intense emotional affair over years. They kiss and suddenly go no contact? I'm not buying it. I've been there - the need to have sex with the other person is feral. That's the point where you realise the line has been crossed and you go no contact.

Have you looked in his document folders? He may have letters or drafts of letters saved there. I'd search between the date parameters where you know they were building up this head of steam and then went no contact. Does he use his outlook calendar? If so go back and see what's in there. It's amazing what you can find.

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 11:12

Why devote all this time to snoop around.
Isn't all OP knows already bad enough?

BeforeAndAfter · 10/03/2014 11:13

Nigella

I think the question should be can you forget about her?

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