What do you think of these messages on DH email?

[nigella123]

I don't know what to think but my stomach is in knots.
He has sent a long email giving a lot of business advise to a woman I also know at the end he has signed it " You are amazing and I am your No 1 fan and chairman of your fan club."
Her reply is "thanks so much for all your advise and help. There is so much I would like to talk to you about - do you think that?"
He replied "We are definitely connected with the same passion, drive, and motivation for life and living"
This was a few days ago - no response from her?
I have not spoken to him about it just trying to process it.
What would you make of these emails?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Well, lucky for you, whilst there are lots of requests from him to see each other, for some reason they didn't.

Lucky for you, his friends never invited her to things which he wanted them to so, instead they laughed it off.

A few years' ago he was completely infatuated, very gushing and did talk to her about wanting to be on his own and just staying with me for the children but lucky you, she played deaf or deflected that.

Nowadays emails are far more sporadic although they do still talk to each other in very emotional terms.

As WhateverTrevor83 said, a bit of Mills & Boon-ery, but if she or his friends had acted differently, I am afraid your H would have cut you loose.

[CarryOnDancing]

There is no way I could share any part of my DH's heart with another woman. Whether it's acted on or not, they have a connection that only you should have together.

How very noble of him to stay with you despite the turmoil he's in with having feelings for someone else!
If he's staying for the children then all that will happen is you will give him yet more years of your life, then he will leave at the time you want to enjoy a new life and freedom together as you know your children don't need you the same. Instead, he will be setting up a new home and you will be bitter for giving him yet more of your time while he continues to take a dump on you.

Please don't let him continue to treat you this way!

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

The thing is he has acted on it. Repeatedly telling another woman she is the love of his life is so sleazy and so twattish. He was doing all the running too. Not nice.

[Greenrememberedhills]

OP it is no wonder at all you have had problems and counselling. Your H undervalues you and sees you as a mother and housewife. I suspect that your issues leading to counselling were at least in part die to his infatuation with this woman, and the knock on consequences for your relationship.

I wouldn't tolerate it. I would boot him out and see how much she remains in his head after that.

[Millyblods]

Nigella you have said that you and your DH are not in love....what do you mean by that. You sat you put tge DC first ti tge extent that there was ways a child in your bed and your DH sleeps in the spare room. You have also said that you both had decided to split up but after counselling have got back on track.
Do you have sex and is it passionate? It sounds to me that what your DH has told you is his truth. He is nit in love with you but has stayed for the children. It seems like the " in love " has gone for you both. You could tell him to go or you could both decide if there is anything here left to salvage and could you both find passion for each other again.

[Millyblods]

Sorry sent from my phone and it has a mind of its own

[daytoday]

Sorry, I don't believe they haven't been physical. I think they have kissed at least.

[StupidFlanders]

Me too.

[nigella123]

Yes he has agreed that he will have no more contact and says that he does still love me.

It doesn't seem one sided to me she seems to have the same feelings as him and he said they both decided to just be friends and not be physical.

He has said in more than one email though that the reason he doesn't see her is because he knows what would happen if he did see her as he cannot be around her without 'wanting to do things to her" or "touch her" so I don't know if that is a good thing or not.

Whilst they only are friends their emails are not only friendly really.

I am starting to feel very fucking angry actually.

[MerryWinterfel]

Good. Good for you! How dare he!

[nigella123]

Millyblods - yes we do have sex not as much as he would probably like and wouldn't exactly describe it as passionate but it is fine, i thought so anyway. We are just always busy and as I say he is away a lot.

Merrywinterfel - her children are 11 and 9. She always seems like quite a busy mum when I see her around. She is a busy person. I know her and her DH were not happy couple of years ago as well and my friend said there was a chance they were going to split but it didn't come to anything. They seem OK now. She never seems very interested in her DH but then again no one I know is?

[AnyFucker]

Thank God you are starting to feel some anger, I was wondering where it was

What a Prince he is to deny himself this woman. Fucking ridiculous romantic fool. I couldn't stand to look at his stupid face in your situation. I am so sorry.

Noe of what he has said and done is a "good thing"

Why haven't you been honest with him about the extent of the evidence you have found ?

[TheVictorian]

Aside from the emotional side of things, it seems the woman could be more interested in just friendships with males and seems more interested in the female variety.

[FabBakerGirl]

Sometimes you can't help how you feel about someone but you can control what you do about it. No one is making him have cosy coffees with her once a year. No one is making him write embarrassing emails to her. No one is making him spout such crap about his feelings. I'm embarrassed for him.

[myroomisatip]

I wonder if her possible split with her DH had something to do with your DH and his adoration of her?

[daytoday]

If he's saying he can't trust himself around her, then I'd suggest there has been a transgression already - because he KNOWS he can't trust himself around her.

[GarlicMarchHare]

Ouch. He's told you you're second fiddle, really. That must hurt like hell. You've every right to feel angry! He's been emotionally short-changing you for a very long time now. This makes a bit of a mocker of your relationship counselling, doesn't it?

[GarlicMarchHare]

• mockery

[MerryWinterfel]

Would it help you to talk it through with a Councillor (without your husband of course)?

Its such a lot to take on board.

[higgle]

I'm not quite sure what a "Councillor" could do, a counsellor might be of some use, perhaps!

[nigella123]

myroomisatip - I am also wondering if her planning to split with her DH a couple of years ago had anything to do with my DH I could ask my friend to dig but how could i explain it plus I don't think they are that close that they would discuss stuff like that. Plus she knows her friend is my friend so she most likely would;t say anyway (sorry that probably doesn't make sense)

I feel so exhausted I can't talk to anyone right now. I am glad for all your messages though so thank you all for your support just trying to take it all in.

yes daytoday I was wondering why he would feel like he can't trust himself around her if nothing had ever happened?

[Hedgehead]

Nigella, I've read the whole thread and read it originally when you first posted a few days ago. I lurked for a bit but now I have an opinion and I want you to read it.

I think that your H (and maybe her to some extent) suffer from some deep unfulfilled needs which have nothing to do with you or her H, and are not something that other people in the world can fix. They have both hooked on to the idea - your H more than her - that the other can fulfil that need (whatever it is). Deep down, your H knows this is not this case. She is not the answer, in the same way that you are not the answer, in the same way that NO other person is the answer apart from himself... but he feels that by continuing to allow this "relationship" with her to subsist over email, from afar, unrequited, he is indirectly nourishing a part of himself or relating to himself in a way which temporarily fulfils that gap for him.

I know that sounds very psycho-babbly, but no-one who has good access to their own feelings and needs behaves like this, and no grown adult - unless damaged in some way - creates this sort of fantasy/idealised relationship that he knows could not exist in reality, unless he has some serious issues with himself.

[FabBakerGirl]

How were things with your H 2 years ago? Does anything point to you thinking he was planning on leaving you then as she left her husband?

[bringbacksideburns]

Boot him out whilst you clear your head - give him the shock of his life!

He won't be expecting that - he will expecting you to ignore and carry on. The things he has written to this woman - well, yes. It is worse than a sordid drunken one night stand. It devalues you. It makes a mockery of you that they continued to meet up at social events for years afterwards, regardless of whether they slept together or not.

I'd bet money it was her decision not to take things further because he sounds so intense.

You need him to leave so he understands how much he has hurt you and if you do carry on together he needs to fight for you. Don't be passive.

[MerryWinterfel]

ha, yes councellor, quite right!