What do you think of these messages on DH email?

[nigella123]

I don't know what to think but my stomach is in knots.
He has sent a long email giving a lot of business advise to a woman I also know at the end he has signed it " You are amazing and I am your No 1 fan and chairman of your fan club."
Her reply is "thanks so much for all your advise and help. There is so much I would like to talk to you about - do you think that?"
He replied "We are definitely connected with the same passion, drive, and motivation for life and living"
This was a few days ago - no response from her?
I have not spoken to him about it just trying to process it.
What would you make of these emails?

Whoops yeah... suss out your situation first of course.

We're all thinking of you

He was out last night managed to do bit more digging.

There are a few emails along the same lines - that they are connected, massive attraction never felt before, she is beautiful etc

From what I can tell though they have long periods of NC but nothing seems to change for either of them. They just seem to fall back into "you're in my head and always will be" type talk.

They don't seem to have seen each other just sporadic emails - "happy birthday can't believe I haven't heard from you for 4 months" and stuff.

It does seem to have gone on like this for 7 years though with no outcome and there is the email about him loving his family.

It is so odd.

I just don't know what I am going to do thankfully I haven't had to face him - he was out last night for work and then slept in the spare room. He goes to the gym before i'm up although I haven't slept a wink but he doesn't know that.

How could he behave like this and behave so happy family with us and even with me he has been so much better these last couple of years and things have really improved - how can he do that if he has feelings for someone else?

I just read this thread - you poor thing your mind must be racing. I think you need to confront him and prepare yourself for the worst. It is possible from what you say though that this has been an e-mail / text only thing that for whatever reason (ego?) he has kept going - ie when it came to actually meeting up to take it further he couldn't bring himself to? That would seem unlikely but from what you say there is no evidence yet of anything physical having happened?

Hi Nigella,

So sorry this is happening to you.. (hugs). It sounds at the very least he has been having a long term emotional affair, probably more. Is she married? He comes across as being ridiculously infatuated, it would probably go nowhere in real life.

That said, this is no small thing and you obviously need to confront him but echoing Finola's post please do everything you can to protect yourself. You are at an advantage with him not knowing that you know and he doesn't seem to be planning to leave you. Try not to go tearing into a confrontation without preparing yourself first. Easier said than done i know but you will thank yourself later.

As to why he can behave like this, i wish i had an answer. My best one would be is that he just hasn't grown up. Not very attractive, you can do much better. And you will.

Hope you manage to get some sleep and talk to someone in real life, it must be such a shock.

Take care x

yes she is married. She has 2 DC and I know her through a friend of a friend although not very well. What's worse is I have always liked her. I can see why DH would fall for her he probably couldn't believe his luck she is one of those women - very confident I think she used to be a model not sure though. She has her own business she is popular etc I can't see her doing what she's done but she has I know that now.

Thinking about the emails and the texts I do think it seems they don't see each other very often but they do both seem infatuated and there is no pattern really to who contacts who first although if i was being honest i would have to say DH.

I feel like I don't want to confront him because what is he going to say.

I know he loves the children and I thought he loved me but maybe he just wants to keep me here and not have me run back home 1000's of miles away. But I don't feel like that we have been getting on so much better lately it doesn't make sense.

And why would they stay in contact but not meet that doesn't make sense either.

I just can't get my head around it.

Did he just want attention? To be honest though why pick her if that is all he wanted and the tone of his messages are as if he thinks they are soul mates, not looking for a shag which feels worse - I honestly think I would prefer the corny affair?

Yes, I have always found the thought of an emotional affair as worse. If there is a spectrum - either feels utterly heartbreaking.
The intimacy between a husband and wife goes so much further than sex as you can literally have sex instantly and with no emotional attachment whatsoever.
An emotional affair is a complete betrayal. But a lot of people see it differently.
I'm worried you sound like you may be starting to minimise a bit I can understand why. If you act on this then you are on a terrifying path. He does love his kids. But he doesn't love you. At least, not in the exclusive way we want a husband to.

but if he likes her so much why isn't he making more of an effort to actually see her? If he likes her so much why hasn't he slept with her?

Maybe he genuinely doesn't like her and just wanted some attention?

I don't know I just feel so depleted.

I don't think either of them has any intention to sleep with each other. It looks like they both seem to get a thrill from massaging each others egos by constant flirting. They are enjoying the chase and the secrecy but it all appears a bit childish as in the way schoolgirls mooned over boys in their class. The boy would feel all manly at knowing a girl fancied him but in rl it never goes any further ITSWIM.

Make them both stew.
Confront her by email just at the time you confront your husband. Don't let them get a chance to get their story straight.
I would also add that a copy of their "love in " is being sent to her DH. You don't need to do it tho the threat should be enough to put them into a blind panic.
What do you wan to happen here OP? you head must be all over the place.He can't deny it but can you forgive him knowing that he has been lusting and dreaming about OW and giving her the headspace where you should be?

but in a way I think you can't help your feelings just what you do and I don't think he has actually done anything?

I don't know.

He's doing plenty op!

He's done far more than I could stomach I'm afraid OP but I suppose if I'm honest his reaction would count for a lot.

Jeezo, he's done a good one on you, as has been said, gather as much evidence as you can find.

It's an emotional affair, I think worse than just meeting for sex.

Of course he likes her, he's infatuated, and so is she by the sounds of it, how do you know they haven't met, they will be texting too no?

Sorry OP, this is awful. You must confront him when you are ready. You should be looking into your finance options in case you split.

Well let's just say he can't help his feelings.
His loves someone else. Not his fault.

Has he "done" anything?

Yes he bloody has!

He's TOLD HER!!!!!!!!
He has told another woman that she is his soulmate.
Read that back.
Has he done nothing?

If your H has said all that you have mentioned here and kept up contact for so long it is hardly a flash in the pan.

she is married. She has 2 DC so either she worried her H would find out and put the brakes on or she likes collecting married men.

It is your H's actions that are your main concern. She could be God's gift to men but that shouldn't matter, as far he's concerned - he's married to you. Please don't give him any ammunition by making unfavourable comparisons or think of him as settling for less.

He's done enough to make you feel numb and heartbroken. He's done enough to make you have to go through his emails etc.

You might recover from this op but I think you need to stop and think. You know the truth and how you feel about it today might be lots different to how you feel about it in 6 months.

I'm sorry you are going through this op.

Oh Nigella he's done plenty.

Put the shoe on the other foot. Could you ever imagine yourself having a flirty, emotional affair via text and email on and off for 7 years? No, I didn't think so.

This is all one big mutual ego boost. Probably no physical affair because that would be "wrong" in their eyes and they don't want to be seen as the bad guys. It serves their own purpose to keep it all on a fantasy, what if level. That way, they can still have their private thoughts and in jokes but they keep their families, cosy home life and reputations.

It stinks, it truly does. For 7 years, your husband has been fantasising about another woman. Not some out of reach celeb or porn star, a real life woman who reciprocates his feelings.

I would bet that their general plan is to wait until all the children are grown and then run off together into the sunset to live happily ever after. Fantasies and nonsense.

As I said previously, get your finances sorted before you confront. He's had 7 long years to mull this over. Who knows how much he might have squirrelled away.

He's done something alright. He's treated you like a fool Nigella. Sorry to be so harsh.

Not to mention if he had this little fantasy going on all the time and you were unaware of it, what is to stop him from picking up with some other female? That extra zing, the sparkle, the flirtatiousness, the compliments - dare I ask, have you had much of that the past seven years?

even with me he has been so much better these last couple of years

Gee, lucky you, he made more of an effort, does that mean he was just throwing you crumbs five years before the past couple of years?

You can't stop an adult who has decided they are going to stray but if you are hoping that by ignoring this it will all be as if it never happened I think you are dangerously close to deluding yourself.

Nigella It comes down to if you are happy to be second best. If not, print everything off, leave a copy on the kitchen table for him when he comes home to an empty house and leave.

I'm rely sorry, but how do you knowable hasn't slept with her?

Sounds like they are enjoying the drama and nonsense of not being allowed to be together - they seem to think they are Romeo & Juliet! It must have been awful for you to read but it does sound like a very hollow ego massaging EA out of a Mills & Boon....

Not sure what you'll do OP of course but we're all supporting you and rolling our eyes to the skies at his ridiculous behaviour.

Sounds like they are enjoying the drama and nonsense of not being allowed to be together - they seem to think they are Romeo & Juliet! It must have been awful for you to read but it does sound like a very hollow ego massaging EA out of a Mills & Boon....

Not sure what you'll do OP of course but we're all supporting you and rolling our eyes to the skies at his ridiculous behaviour.

Whoops duplicate