What do you think of these messages on DH email?

[nigella123]

I don't know what to think but my stomach is in knots.
He has sent a long email giving a lot of business advise to a woman I also know at the end he has signed it " You are amazing and I am your No 1 fan and chairman of your fan club."
Her reply is "thanks so much for all your advise and help. There is so much I would like to talk to you about - do you think that?"
He replied "We are definitely connected with the same passion, drive, and motivation for life and living"
This was a few days ago - no response from her?
I have not spoken to him about it just trying to process it.
What would you make of these emails?

[ItIsAnIdeasGame]

Personally I wouldn't LTB. But I would yell him ypu know and see how you both handle the fall out. Your relationship has changed forever but it doesn't mean it is over.

[gingercat2]

I will probably get shot down for this, and I will say that I am not by any means young and naive, but it's possible he hasn't left because he loves you more than her (despite his comment that he's just staying for the kids)...... not that I think that excuses his behaviour at all.

[CheerfulYank]

Oh OP. I'm sorry.

[nigella123]

So - we have spoken I didn't tell him anything I had found I just asked him about her outright.

He has in a nutshell said she 'was in his head' and he couldn't help it he didn't want her to be but she just was.

They are now friends/friendly and he wants to stay with me not her.

He says he does have feeling s but he doesn't want to act on them for the sake of our family.

He says she seems to be the same as isn't a threat.

They have never been physical only had the odd coffee very rarely like once a year even.

I am totally numb this time last week I thought we were a perfectly normal family.

But for this to go on for so long will he just switch his feelings for her off?

Can people do that? If he has liked her for so long will this just go away?

[Licketysplit123]

I've just read the whole thread OP and I'm sorry he's behaving like such an arse.

I don't understand why you didn't tell him what you have found?

At this point, he is always going to minimise and to get the full truth you need to present him with your evidence.

Did he offer you any reassurance about his feelings for you?

You are the first prize, not the consolation prize and I think you need to act like it or you will spend the rest of your life wondering if he really loves you or is there out of duty.

[AnyFucker]

oh dear

[YeahBitchMagnets]

This is really tricky isn't it? He's not having an affair, and he may not even be having an emotional affair, technically speaking, as it seems so sporadic and pretty one sided. She's either: completely stringing him along because she gains something out of it professionally, from his help and advice, or because she loves the flattery and the attention and is a tease, or she feels the same way he does and values his friendship but refuses to have an affair.

It's hard to know for sure but they both seem to have managed to betrayed you without actually doing anything. Which makes it really easy for him to say when confronted 'You want me to be faithful? Fine, I'm being faithful. I am a martyr who is denying my urges for the sake of you and my children, because that's what a decent, blameless man does.' And then he gets to make you feel unreasonable for feeling that's not good enough.

I find his cheesy over-sentimental language embarrassing and he's making a bit of a cock of himself tbh. There is nothing to be done except for you to decide whether or not you want to stay with someone who is just going through the motions while endlessly dreaming of being with someone else. It's like living a half-life for both of you.

[Russianfudge]

Sorry op but he's a weak, foolish man.

When I met my dd's dad there was a man from my past whom I was close to and had had a physical relationship with. as a now adult woman I know he used me for sex/ company and it would never have been any more than that. When I was with dd's dad we would text and email, sometimes flirty, sometimes a bit like your DH and this woman. I used to fantasise about the day I would leave my partner and we would be together but when dd's dad and I finally split (I never really loved him and ultimately he cheated, though I never did in a physical way at least). I was 20-23 and very naive and immature. I didn't know about emotional affairs as a concept but I knew it was wrong to have half your heart somewhere else.

Anyway, as soon as I met my now husband I cut off all contact with this man. He was no longer my "plan B" as I always had referred to him. It was hard I suppose because there were feelings there but as a committed adult you realise you have to remove yourself from the the situation. The thought of even sending a "how are you?" Text now seems as bad as if I were to sleep with him to be honest. Because I would know what the undercurrent was. Most of all I have too much respect for my husband to have another man walking around thinking he had "one up" on him. It's so unkind!

At the very best (and at the other end of the spectrum he could have slept with her) he is a weak, unkind, selfish man.

[memyselfandl]

He has in a nutshell said she 'was in his head' and he couldn't help it he didn't want her to be but she just was.

What a load of rubbish. She is only there because that's where he wants her to be.

This would be a complete deal breaker for me as he has obviously given some thought about being with her instead of you.She has taken a place in his head where only you should be.

He says he does have feeling s but he doesn't want to act on them for the sake of our family.
That has to be on of the most horrible sentences l have read on MN. He has considered cheating -what happens when the family grow up, will he hang about then?

I don't think l could stay with him after this. Kick the bugger out and let him live in his fantasy dream land.

[MichelloBarner]

True, memyself but you cannot make yourself not feel that way about someone - if you feel it, you feel it. The question is, what do you do about it, (act on it? Not act on it? Ignore/deny it? to everyone else, if not to yourself, or admit it but stay married and faithful anyway?

And more importantly will your wife tolerate knowing that you feel it? none of us can promise or guarantee that we won't ever meet anyone else we develop a massive, all-confusing crush on, or actually fall totally in love with. We can only control how we choose to proceed when that happens.

[MichelloBarner]

all consuming, not all confusing!

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I wouldn't stay with him. I'd be beyond embarrassed that my husband has been fawning over someone else for 7 years.

He thinks he is the big romantic martyr- he is just a twat getting his ego stroked at the expense of his marriage.

[Diagonally]

He won't act on his feelings "for the sake of our family"?

Not for your sake, OP.

What a huge sacrifice he's making, huh? Martyring himself on the altar of duty towards his family. How f'ing noble of him.

I'm so on your behalf.

[Russianfudge]

But michello he could choose not to message her, have her invited to parties, give her business advice.

He says she's in his head and he doesn't want it that way... But he's doin all he can to keep her there.

What do we all do on the 1st January when we vow to give up wine and chocolate?? Do we order a load in and fill our cupboards with it? Do we spend hours googling images of it? No! His "attempts" and making her not in his head are pathetic. Given his feelings, they shouldn't even be in touch at all.

I agree with the person who said he's making himself some kind of marriage martyr. For heavens sake, has he created some kind of fairy tale where he's the first middle aged man to have a crush on another woman? He's nothing special, he is a complete cliche.

[MichelloBarner]

yes I see your point, but that's why I said it's up to his how he chooses to deal with it. He's not having an affair but neither is he acting like a man who genuinely wants to concentrate on putting his wife first.

[BuzzardBird]

I expect that all the fun of the secrecy has kept this going, not feelings. I think it will fizzle out now but you need to think about how you feel about him now. It's about you not him.

[ItIsAnIdeasGame]

Michelle boarder speaks much sense..

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

This situation comes down to how you feel Nigella. To some this would be a total deal breaker and the worst possible situation, to some it would be a bit 'Meh'. No-one but you is walking in your shoes. We can come on MN and say how we would feel given the post you have put on which helps you get perspective. Something I would need in your shoes. As I said in my previous post, it would be the feeling of being second best and having been that for years would make me leave but there may be other stuff that would not make that the case for you. I think he has behaved appallingly because even if he feels that way about her, it's the emailing (even sporadically) and the contact (coffees) etc. that has made it a reality. If he was decent, despite feeling that way he should not have let her know he felt that way and he should not have continued contact at all. It diminishes you but he has put his own feelings and hers above that.

[Diagonally]

Yes, that's the point isn't it..he may say he's making a sacrifice but really he's just still having cake and eating it...albeit not very frequently or in person.

Which means the grand sacrifice exists only to make him feel better about his actions, and not because he loves and cares about OP.

A genuine person who realized an EA had gone too far would cut off contact with the other person by themselves because they realized their actions were a betrayal to their committed partner.

Has he suggested he will cut contact, OP?

[sebsmummy1]

My thoughts on this is that if she was available, he would have left. I suspect they are both staying in their marriages 'for the children' and if ever one of them becomes single (probably her), the other will walk away to be with them ( probably him).

Sorry OP but that is the long and the short of it.

Men would always rather stay in an unhappy marriage if the alternative is being on their own. Most men who walk away from a long term relationship are walking straight into the arms and beds of another woman. Women who leave tend to leave to be on their own.

[StupidFlanders]

Do you believe him?
You haven't seen the texting that obviously went on to arrange the meet ups etc and I suspect they're now deleted.

[MerryWinterfel]

He has wasted years of your life! If he had been honest all those years ago you could have moved on and found someone who really loves you. I am wondering if you don't know what that feels like any more?

You still can, you don't have to live with someone who adores someone else.

[MerryWinterfel]

How old are her children? How long until she decided to divorce?