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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you think of these messages on DH email?

222 replies

nigella123 · 06/03/2014 04:07

I don't know what to think but my stomach is in knots.
He has sent a long email giving a lot of business advise to a woman I also know at the end he has signed it " You are amazing and I am your No 1 fan and chairman of your fan club."
Her reply is "thanks so much for all your advise and help. There is so much I would like to talk to you about - do you think that?"
He replied "We are definitely connected with the same passion, drive, and motivation for life and living"
This was a few days ago - no response from her?
I have not spoken to him about it just trying to process it.
What would you make of these emails?

OP posts:
GarlicMarchHare · 08/03/2014 00:16

This began five years ago, if I have it right.

When did the bad patch in your marriage start?

GarlicMarchHare · 08/03/2014 00:20

Oh, 7 years, I'm sorry.

Do sleep and eat, etc, nigella. I'll be thinking of you - it's so horrid to go through this.

daytoday · 08/03/2014 08:37

I'm so sorry this is happening, but am just wondering how you know they haven't been physical?

I doubt very much this attraction would be so strong without some sort of physical contact ?

diddl · 08/03/2014 09:01

"You are amazing and I am your No 1 fan and chairman of your fan club."

I'd have to leave him for that alone.

I'd have no respect for a grown man who could write such drivel & would be embarrassed by him tbh.

Spiritedwolf · 08/03/2014 09:07

Sorry that you've got this to deal with. At first I wondered if it was just a bit of being a bit of unprofessional, silly gushing over someone he admired professionally, but people called it right given your later discoveries.

I haven't read it but Shirley Glass's book - 'Not "Just Friends" ' is sometimes recommended on here for people trying to gather their thoughts after discovery of an affair/emotional affair. I don't know whether it is aimed at those who have decided to try repair the relationship rather than leave it or whether its more open to the undecided and those certain they want it to end.

If he often stays away overnight for 'work' I wouldn't rule out the possibility that the affair has been/could have gone on to be physical. But it doesn't have to have been physical for you to find the behaviour unacceptable. He hasn't been treating you with love and respect.

Would you have done this to him? is a very good barometer of whether you feel he has done something wrong. If you would have felt that such actions were disrespectful, hurtful and a betrayal of him, then he ought to have had the same consideration for you.

Take care, you don't have to rush your response to this. But you deserve so much better. Thanks

something2say · 08/03/2014 09:16

I think he hasn't done anything because he knows it's wrong.

But he has been thinking about it.

Tell me, are you a career woman? She is, he is a career type. Could it be that that's what he values?

Like the others say, I think the fact that he feels these things is a put down for you. You deserve someone who thinks that the person you are is the pinnacle of women. X

VortexOfDisaster · 08/03/2014 09:30

So sorry to hear what's going on. It's really tough, whatever the outcome. It will probably take you a little while to get your head around things. Do you have someone you can confide in?

Flowers
thelastlifeline · 08/03/2014 11:57

I'm with knickernicker, you need to snoop some more. If you go to him with the little that you have, it may only serve to make him cover his tracks more - if there are tracks to cover that is! Keep looking. I hope for your sake that it is as innocuous as it sounds right now. X

Original poster
nigella123 · 08/03/2014 14:54

Sorry I haven't been able to post but thanks everyone for your support.

No I am SAHM and I do think you are right something2say I do think that is part of his attraction for her I have heard him pass comment on her before and how well she has done. I don't think she is particularly happily married from what my friend has said about her in the past. As I say she is very likable and very women friendly she is not all over the men she doesn't even seem to notice them. If she see's DH out she is perfectly nice but i have never seen her bother with any men she is more likely to chat with the women. She is confident though and always looks glamorous - she doesn't have the "mum" look. But i don't think I do either really.

We have 3 DC, 15, 10, and 4 and if I am honest I have always but he DC first but I wanted us to be a strong family. He works away abroad a lot. There always seems to be a child in the bed and he has slept in the spare room a lot due to his irregular flight times and all of that. We had a few bad years and did talk about separating and getting divorced. He never helps around the house and is away a lot and seems to think because I am a SAHM I should be doing it all.

We had a lot of marriage counseling and things were on track i thought.

There is no mention in any emails to imply they have gone away together they actually don't even appear to have seen each other much and whilst there are lots of requests from him to do so and she always seems to want to it does look like for some reason they don't.

There are some I have found to his friends asking them to invite her to things which has made me cross and sick. His friends have just laughed it off - that was a while ago though.

It does look by his emails that a few years ago he was completely infatuated he is unbelievably gushing to her. He does talk to her about wanting to be on his own and just staying with me for the children (men so predictable)

The last couple of years though the emails are more sporadic although they do still talk to each other in very emotional terms. The also sometimes just ask how the other is or maybe send a random jokey thing. Not regularly though sometime every other week and sometimes months in between.

Really I just don't understand - if you want an affair have an affair but why this?

I feel like he is torturing me it is worse than him just having sex with a colleague or something because it looks as if there is feelings there? But if there were why wouldn't they see each other it doesn't make any sense?

After his last email there is no response do you think he has got her out of his system now maybe?

OP posts:
Logg1e · 08/03/2014 15:00

Have you talked to him about it?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/03/2014 15:08

In the gaps, could there be some other form of communication? Text or an alternative email address perhaps that you do not have access to?

BillyBanter · 08/03/2014 15:31

You say you have had marriage counselling over they years?

It reads to me as if at some more difficult times in your marriage he has developed feelings for her and considered leaving the marriage as an option then decided that he wanted to stay in the marriage but still 'holds her in high regard' even though an affair is off the table.

It must be devastating for you to find all this. What do you want to do about it? Or what do you want to happen?

Original poster
nigella123 · 08/03/2014 16:02

yes billybanter that is what I am wondering if at some point they have developed a rapport and whilst he now doesn't want to be with her in that way they have formed some sort of bond. Not that he would leave me?

I don't know what to do or what I want to happen.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 08/03/2014 16:07

I think that it's really unfair that he's attended counselling with you, professed to be committed to the relationship and been carrying on like this all the time. The dishonesty is so unfair.

BillyBanter · 08/03/2014 16:10

Well some options are to kick him out without further ado, talk to him then see how you feel, arrange more counselling to bring it up there?

FabBakerGirl · 08/03/2014 16:14

I think the messages sound very poncy and he needs to get over himself.

Then I read your further posts and it seems you are married to a dog on heat who actually has no balls.

You need to get control of your life now and decide if you want to stay with him - then you tell him all you know and tell him it stops this second, or you want out and you get yourself some legal advice and print off all their cringe making messages.

TheZeeTeam · 08/03/2014 16:23

I think there is only one person who can give you the answers you're looking for here. So ask him.

stayathomegardener · 08/03/2014 16:33

I think he has been totally disrespectful asking his friends to invite her to events.
The humiliation of that alone would cause me to LTB.
Really cross on your behalf.

slugseatlettuce · 08/03/2014 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2014 18:21

If I found just one email to another woman saying "I wish I could be on my own, I am only staying with AF for the children, oh and btw I adore you ..." he would be out the door and told to go find himself on his own time

Where is your self respect, love ?

Wrapdress · 08/03/2014 19:28

This is interesting trying to interpret other people's emails. It sounds like a mutual crush to me. They are trying to do the "right thing" by not getting further involved with each other, yet enjoy the high of the crush. They probably think they haven't crossed a line yet (although the spouses may think the line was crossed 50 meters back). They probably think they can still deny anything is going on.

I don't know why couples stay together "for the kids" having been one of those kids.

Sparrowlegs248 · 08/03/2014 19:44

nigella I really feel for you. I've just read the whole thread and have to say, i would be devastated in your position. However, I will add, that it looks to me like your DH was moonibg over this woman while you were having a vad patch. He wanted to stay with you but has continued the contact, probably as some sort of 'feelgood' factor.

Now, I am a bit if a jealous type, and if my DH did this I would struggle to trust him, i would be forever wondering what he was up to etc.

But i also have double standards. I have had occasional email flirting with another man. Nothing as obvious as the things your DH said but still. From my point of view, it was a bit of a laugh and nothing was ever going to come of it. It was an ego boost, a bit of attention.

It was also wrong and has stopped because I realised how bad it was, even if it meant nothing.

I'm just saying this because it soundslike this might be the case with your DH. It doesn"t make it right. But it could be 'just flirting'. And to contradict myself again, it would probably be something i would struggle to get over if it were my dh.

I think you need to have a calm open discussion with him.

KatieHopkinsEvilTwin · 08/03/2014 20:06

notta I think your post was really honest and may help the op to understand the other side.

Sparrowlegs248 · 08/03/2014 20:11

Thanks katie thats what i was hoping for.

Rupertandfifi · 08/03/2014 20:45

Why did you end up at marriage counselling? Who suggested it?