Everything has changed because DP's exW is seriously ill. I'm absolutely stuck.

[PonytailStyle]

DP and I met 3 years ago. Both our previous relationships broke down the year before that. It was a rebound thing for both of us in many ways but we did genuinely fall in love. We had 2 lovely years together during which time he was very clear that he was not going to tell his exW about me because he didn't want to hurt her or their adult children. His decision to leave - nobody else involved but he felt incredibly guilty and said that he wanted her to meet someone else before he introduced anyone to them. I accepted this and it suited me at the time as I didn't want that level of involvement. He and his ex remain on extremely good terms and he loves her as a friend. His family mean the world to him.

DP and I parted a year ago but remained in touch. We dated other people but since Xmas we have been considering getting back together. We never stopped loving each other. We both said that this time round his family must know because we are now considering a future together. He actually raised this before I did. I was adamant that I must not be a secret. He said he couldn't lie to his family any more. We were absolutely on the same page about that part. He has said all along that he would only ever introduce a partner to his family if he intended the relationship to be permanent.

We were discussing how to do this and all the other practicalities of being together properly when his exW was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. Their children are devastated. Everyone is devastated. Hopefully, she will make a full recovery but that could be many months away. Now is not the time to introduce me to his family. But realistically I'm not sure if I can last indefinitely in this sidelined position. I'm not sure our relationship will last under that sort of pressure. DP has promised to help his ex in any way he can and I admire him for doing that. I know that he wouldn't think twice about mopping up sick or comforting her if she's upset because he's that sort of person. If she asked him to stay over to help her he would. That's one of the reasons I love him. He's a good man.

I've told him that I'm finding it hard and he's trying to reassure me. I feel such a bitch because I'm hardly battling for my life like she is.

I don't want to leave him. I love him and I want to be there for him. He is very frightened for his ex and also his children and trying to put on a brave face for them, rallying everyone round and trying to make sure his ex always has company etc. He only has me to open up to because everyone else is floundering whereas I'm removed from the situation. It's not a burden because I love him but it is very stressful.

I definitely don't want to meet his family right now. It would be too much for everyone involved, including me. His children would see me as a stranger intruding into their lives at a very difficult time. His ex might feel she couldn't ask him for help when she needed it, to say nothing of all the other possible dynamics as she considers her own mortality. She doesn't want to hear that her ex is planning a happy new life with someone when she doesn't even know if she'll be alive this time next year. I don't want to add to anyone's sadness.

I feel so selfish to even think that I've got a problem when she is battling cancer. And I'll feel even worse if I walk away now. I can't walk away. I told him today that he could end it before it goes any further if he felt it was the right thing to do. I think he could do that just on the basis of letting me go to be happy with someone else. He is that selfless. But I don't want anyone else.

We are being very very honest with each other and talking loads. We go to bed wrapped round each other every night but every morning I wake up full of doubts and sadness. I don't know what to do for the best.

we both agreed that if we were to be a couple again then it would have to be out in the open this time and I would be fully involved with his whole life.

So, just to get a timescale here, you had that conversation and agreed that he would tell them. Then, sometime afterwards, the wife told him that she was either going for the biopsy, or the op.

How long was it between the first conversation with you and the second with his wife? Why didn't he tell her when he had agreed with you that he was going to?

Sorry, for all the questions, just trying get a feel for the situation.

This sounds a pretty awful situation for you OP.
I was shocked when I saw that his girls are 20 and 24 (ish). They are not babies they are young women - one a mother. I'm sure they have wondered whether he has had a girlfriend or not after 4 years. If he is worried about his exwife knowing about his girlfriend perhaps he could confide in them and say he has just started going out with someone whom he knew before and what should he do.
He sounds as if either he likes the drama of the whole thing or are absolutely 100% sure he isn't telling you lies somewhere along the line.
Maybe he isn't doing commitment and is getting cold feet.

Actually, I think the way forward here is for him to introduce you to her - yes, it's scary/complicated in a situation that's already difficult, but no worse than the situation you've currently got.

You might end up getting on well with her and it'll probably be easier to manage everything else if everyone knows about you - your requirements for a relationship with him aren't necessarily things that will be incompatible with their close friendship and you won't know that until you all start talking to each other. She may well be happy he has you for support.

I don't get all the hand wringing over the children. They are adults, not children. Unless you want to be with a man who persists in treating his daughters like five year olds? If they were younger then you'd give it different consideration but this is brewing to be a huge drama over something so simple which could have been easily avoided.

Tbh he sounds a bit wet and the continued desire to put his children in front of you and to continue with a deception, even after all this time should give you pause. Sorry for sounding harsh but don't we want to be first in our Dr's lives? Agree with pp who said it should not be this difficult

If, god forbid, his Ex dies then his/ your deception makes it more devastating for his children if/ when you do the big reveal. In the end the lying for his convenience will hurt them more than the truth ever would.

It sounds like your going to stand by your man but exactly when do you think honesty and not lies will be his first resort?

And his need to be seen as superman and general all round hero at your expense is quite odd. Not to mention unrealistic and pretty much impossible.

Fairenuff - yes we had that conversation but it was going on over a period of a few days. We were talking about practicalities, where would we live if it worked out, when, even down to bills and bank accounts. We were also saying do you really really want this to each other. Are you really sure? We would discuss a few things then say let's sleep on it and talk more tomorrow. So this went on for some time. It's a big decision. We hadn't discussed everything but we had resolved everything we had discussed. We wanted to make sure that if there was some major stumbling block like I wanted to live in a city pad and he wanted to camp in a treehouse then we didn't go any further. The plan looked good. It was still just between us as a couple when out of the blue his ex was suddenly going in for an op and his girls were devastated. I know what it's like to be told your parent has cancer. I know how those girls are feeling.

I'm sorry but I don't know which conversation you mean with his wife. My head is spinning with all this now.

I honestly haven't decided what to do. We talked about it last night and this morning. Part of the talk was around whether we should or could carry on. It really is not a case of me standing by my man. I'm not that silly. I know I deserve to be acknowledged.

I hope I don't sound defensive there. I really do appreciate all this input from everyone. Even the harsher comments. I am finding it hard to keep up though. I don't really know what I'm looking at. Very confused.

I mean the conversation when she told him her diagnosis, but you have answered that now.

I'm not surprised your head is spinning. It really shouldn't be like this, it's far too complicated. He is not ready to be with you fully. Sorry, he might say he is but he is dragging his heels.

It's not normal to have to map out your life to the nth detail before he can casually drop into conversation that he is, 'Off out tonight with a lovely woman I've been seeing. Hopefully I can introduce you soon', or something similar.

It's really not that hard.

he believes that his children will respect him more for making sure his ex is ok before he moves on.

I don't understand what that means. But if he truly believes his children will respect him more for being there 100% for their mother in her time of need, then he needs to be doing that. Which means you take a break until the cancer situation is clearer.

I think it's wise to be cautious about actually being inserted into this family situation, it could be unnecessarily stressful on all sides. But he can start by mentioning you. If this situation isn't tackled it could become progressively more difficult to do and months and years could drag by in limbo.

Why does he think he adult daughters will be devastated that he has a girlfriend?

That's the bit I don't understand.

In his head, it sounds like he is the big I Am.

He imagines gathering all the family together and sitting down, holding hands to 'break the bad news'. The children adults will crumple and his wife will bear it bravely.

Who the hell does he think he is? What does he really think will happen?

In reality, they will probably say, that's nice Dad, when can we meet her and then carry on with whatever they were doing.

Seriously. What is his problem?

His Ex, his adult children and the diognosis are all red herrings. The important bit is his pathological need to be the 'Good Guy' and lying to maintain his halo. Can you not see that this behaviour won't be confined to his Ex and DD's. As much as you clearly love this man, he has a major character flaw that will become more irksome over time.

fairenuff that is it exactly. This comes across as him having a very over inflated opinion of himself!

This is all such a drama and shouldn't be. His children are going to feel he has lied to them by in-admission which will hurt much more than if he has just said it has been a year since your mum and I split and I am seeing someone new now.

I think things will just limp on as they are gaining much more drama than it needs.

If you are doubting whether he has told you the truth or not then that in itself is a problem imo.

Honestly I think he sounds like he may have narc tendencies.
I'd walk away if I were you.

Still reading. Still confused.

So I could say, tell them you're seeing someone but no introductions until they want to. Let them choose when they meet me. I would be happy with that.

But the consensus seems to be that he thinks way too much of himself. And I can see why that is being said.

I think you are getting too hard a time. I sometimes wonder if relationships is the best place to post things as it tends to be frequented (from what I can see) if people who have not for once reason or another, had successful relationships. And there is much cynicism on these boards.

If my parents divorced when I was in my twenties I would be devastated. If my mum then developed cancer I would be even more devastated.

Ignoring the cancer diagnosis, it can be v hard to hear about your parents new partner for the first time. To land that on his daughters days after their mum has been diagnosed with cancer would be extremely insensitive.

I read nothing more into than that. He sounds caring.

Lying never protects anyone's feelings but the liar...

I didn't doubt him until I started posting here. It is good to hear these views because I have got very bogged down by it all. He does sound like a drama llama but I am only speaking about one facet here. We do get on really well. There is more to him than just this.

I'm trying to acknowledge his faults and balance it with his good points. Which we all have. I'm not trying to defend him and I know that this is not a good situation for me right now. A lot of what he says must sound ridiculous but I guess not to him. I can't justify it or explain his motives. So I'm trying to consider what to do next.

I'm absolutely not prepared to be in this situation indefinitely.

I haven't read all of this thread, but I just don't understand.

Why do you have to be kept secret? He has been separated for a long time. The cancer is unfortunate, but not a reason for keeping you quiet.

I would be very wary of anyone who had this kind of relationship with their ex. It sounds like he is prioritising her above you. But she's his ex and you're his gf. Where do his priorities lie?

It just seems to be taking such a toll on you, Ponytail. You're waking up sad and full of doubts, providing unlimited emotional support to someone who apparently can't even admit you exist. It must be making you exhausted.

Can you get a break from it at least and have a few days to yourself, maybe get away next weekend?

If his ex despite being divorced from him for 4 years waited until he was at her house before discussing her cancer diagnosis with her adult daughters he sounds way too involved. They are still behaving like a family unit. That's the behaviour of a wife, not an exwife.
It sounds as though the reason his daughters may get upset at your existence is because at the moment their parents are behaving as though they are still married. None of them shows any sign of being emotionally involved with anyone outside their nuclear unit, even the daughter with a child doesn't have a partner.

If the divorce had been yesterday then it's not the time to announce a new partner. It's been 4 years! It's still bizarre to me why after such a long time this is even an issue unless something else is going on. Tbh also very odd with the amount of attention he is showering on an ex.

His main problem was not being upfront a few months ago. No introduction needed. Now it's all turning narly for no reason. If he values his relationship with his daughters he would be honest.

'Yes, dad is dating someone, no we aren't quite ready for introductions, but when we all are then we can agree a time and date, perhaps when your mum has had a chance to get through her treatment. I'm telling you now as I don't want to hide anything from you, but let's see how we can get your mum through this illness shall we.' End. It really is that simple.

If his daughters are remotely nice people they will be pleased their dad is getting support from elsewhere and has met someone nice. It probably won't even register that much.

Yes. They do still behave like a family unit at times. His family dynamic is much different to mine. I asked him why he got divorced and he said they wanted different things and he loved her like a sister. Maybe he's never fully broken away.
I think when we were apart for a year I did a lot more dating than him. He just got on with work and life.
I can get away for a couple of days. But I'm not sure it would help. If I told him I needed space to think he wouldn't have a problem with that.
Sorry if this still sounds jumbled. I am veering from walk away to give him a chance and then back to cutting my losses.