Everything has changed because DP's exW is seriously ill. I'm absolutely stuck.

[PonytailStyle]

DP and I met 3 years ago. Both our previous relationships broke down the year before that. It was a rebound thing for both of us in many ways but we did genuinely fall in love. We had 2 lovely years together during which time he was very clear that he was not going to tell his exW about me because he didn't want to hurt her or their adult children. His decision to leave - nobody else involved but he felt incredibly guilty and said that he wanted her to meet someone else before he introduced anyone to them. I accepted this and it suited me at the time as I didn't want that level of involvement. He and his ex remain on extremely good terms and he loves her as a friend. His family mean the world to him.

DP and I parted a year ago but remained in touch. We dated other people but since Xmas we have been considering getting back together. We never stopped loving each other. We both said that this time round his family must know because we are now considering a future together. He actually raised this before I did. I was adamant that I must not be a secret. He said he couldn't lie to his family any more. We were absolutely on the same page about that part. He has said all along that he would only ever introduce a partner to his family if he intended the relationship to be permanent.

We were discussing how to do this and all the other practicalities of being together properly when his exW was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. Their children are devastated. Everyone is devastated. Hopefully, she will make a full recovery but that could be many months away. Now is not the time to introduce me to his family. But realistically I'm not sure if I can last indefinitely in this sidelined position. I'm not sure our relationship will last under that sort of pressure. DP has promised to help his ex in any way he can and I admire him for doing that. I know that he wouldn't think twice about mopping up sick or comforting her if she's upset because he's that sort of person. If she asked him to stay over to help her he would. That's one of the reasons I love him. He's a good man.

I've told him that I'm finding it hard and he's trying to reassure me. I feel such a bitch because I'm hardly battling for my life like she is.

I don't want to leave him. I love him and I want to be there for him. He is very frightened for his ex and also his children and trying to put on a brave face for them, rallying everyone round and trying to make sure his ex always has company etc. He only has me to open up to because everyone else is floundering whereas I'm removed from the situation. It's not a burden because I love him but it is very stressful.

I definitely don't want to meet his family right now. It would be too much for everyone involved, including me. His children would see me as a stranger intruding into their lives at a very difficult time. His ex might feel she couldn't ask him for help when she needed it, to say nothing of all the other possible dynamics as she considers her own mortality. She doesn't want to hear that her ex is planning a happy new life with someone when she doesn't even know if she'll be alive this time next year. I don't want to add to anyone's sadness.

I feel so selfish to even think that I've got a problem when she is battling cancer. And I'll feel even worse if I walk away now. I can't walk away. I told him today that he could end it before it goes any further if he felt it was the right thing to do. I think he could do that just on the basis of letting me go to be happy with someone else. He is that selfless. But I don't want anyone else.

We are being very very honest with each other and talking loads. We go to bed wrapped round each other every night but every morning I wake up full of doubts and sadness. I don't know what to do for the best.

The thing about being seen as the 'Good Guy' is that it isn't a truthful or accurate picture of who he is. As for not seeing the pain on their faces, that's all about him and not about his children because I'm guessing there's going to be a look on their faces when they find out their Dad has lied to them for years.

Just because the lie suited you in the beginning doesn't make it right, he has essentially lied to one of his 'best friend's' and children for a long time. Stay with him if you want but don't live in denial about his motives because they're many things but noble ain't one of them.

Thinking aloud:
But before the diagnosis we were actually talking about introducing me to the girls. He was more enthusiastic than me. I am secretly quite terrified of meeting all these women who he holds in such high esteem! I know that some of you doubt the diagnosis or think that it's a convenient get out. But what if he's being honest? We've only been together seriously for a few weeks really.

Sorry X posted. Just because he is seeing you makes no difference to the dynamic you describe. It hasn't so far so why would their knowing change that?

Why should the fact that their father is seeing someone else "add to their pain" though? In what way will your existence upset them? How old are they exactly?
Their mother has cancer, should she have not told them the diagnosis because it might "add to their pain" and your mother having cancer is a reason to feel pain unlike your divorced father having a girlfriend.
It still doesn't make sense.
If he tells his kids and wife and they get a bit upset then that's what happens. If he'd rather split up with you than risk his ex and adult kids being unreasonably upset by finding out he has a girlfriend it's never going to work as he values his ex more than you.
His ex may never be "OK". That's not a reason to put his life (and yours) on hold and lying to people.

he has essentially lied to one of his 'best friend's' and children for a long time.

I totally agree and I put this to him. He said he agreed but he felt he was doing it for the right reasons. I will discuss this more with him because it is very important to me personally given what I went through in my previous relationship.

X posted again apologies!

You don't need to meet them. But why when this came does he drop all your plans to support X wife?

Nothing has to change. I still don't see why he can't mention he is seeing someone. It might have only been serious for a few weeks but the you've been on the scene a whole lot longer than that.

Is that the plan if he finally comes clean, that you have only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks?

If you hadn't had a previous recent relationship, then yeah no one argue about motives about a months old relationship. Let's hope he doesn't hold you in the same high esteem as his Ex and his children because he's gonna tell you a load of porkies that of course would be in your best interest.

Having spoken to him and listened very carefully to what he has to say I think he is more wary of telling his girls than his ex. They are all very close and he worships his daughters. The girls have very intertwined lives. I think he's worried about upsetting that dynamic and losing that closeness. Please don't forget that this is in many ways a new relationship. We set out to be honest to everyone.

I'm actually now wondering if I am also stalling being introduced to his family. The more I read here and think of the whole situation I am beginning to wonder if I'm actually slightly relieved that I don't have to face this myself. When he told me about the diagnosis I'm sure I was the one that first said, well you can't possibly tell her now. I want it to be out in the open though. But it's now been built up into some huge event in my head, rightly or wrongly. Probably wrongly.

I would be happy for him to tell them that he is seeing someone. That is what I want him to do.

Trust me from one who has been there. They would rather know than be kept in the dark. You don't have to meet them. It doesn't and shouldn't be some huge event. But they should know.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that his daughters will be more devastated that he has kept you secret than if he'd told them. They will now assume that you were the reason for their parents splitting up and will not believe any protestations that you only met after that. He is a proven liar, why should they believe him?

My exH still doesn't get that our dds (similar ages - late teens) are more upset with him for the lies about the OW than they are for the marriage ending. They THOUGHT they could trust him and now they know they can't - they all say that is not something they think they will get over. Yes, they hear him say why he told the lies and they understand that he believes / has convinced himself that it was for 'honourable' reasons - but at the end of the day they were still lied to.

If and when he does tell them about you then you need to be prepared for that.

Wh do you need to discuss anything with him again? He's been totally clear!

To be honest, his family and his over-involvement sound a nightmare. I'd look for someone with a lot less baggage.

I'm going completely against everyone else here, but as you've only been serious again for a few weeks, and the family are now dealing with a diagnosis of cancer, I would think telling them about a girlfriend is completely the wrong time.

They will all be in shock and I think the love life of their father will be the lat thing they want to know about.

last

I was definitely not the OW. We met about 9 months on from being single. First relationship for both of us.

I genuinely believe he wants to tell them now that we are considering a future together. Also, I like that he is so supportive of his daughters. I was very close to my own father. My ex is a complete and utter shit to us and I wouldn't have any respect for a man who didn't put his children first. Although I fully acknowledge that maybe DP has gone about it the wrong way. But I believe he has done it with good intentions.

The only reason that I can think of that would make sense of his logic would be if he had promised his girls that he would never love someone else like he loves their mum, or something like that.

To him, introducing a new partner would be like breaking a promise and that is the only reason why he thinks they might be upset. I cannot think of any other reason why his children would be upset that he has a girlfriend.

Otherwise, it's not big deal. Everyone will have been expecting it at some time and, in fact, they probably think he is seeing someone. They may have even asked him and he's denied it outright would, I suppose, be another reason - he doesn't want to admit he lied about you.

Several posters have asked if you have met any of his family or friends. I suspect not. I think that would be a more natural way to introduce you, tbh, rather than some big announcement. Ask him to arrange for you to go out with another couple he knows, or a group of his friends and start getting to know the people mixes with.

He doesn't have any siblings for me to meet. His parents are elderly and pretty much housebound. So he visits them rather than them dropping in on him and they aren't local. If we've been out and bumped into people he knows or his colleagues then I've been introduced as "pony". There isn't any awkwardness that I've detected. Most of his couple friends were from his very long marriage and have been more friends of the exW than his. His male friends are more related to his hobby (climbing) which isn't my scene so I usually opt out of those situations. He's met my very small family - 3 dc's (my parents are dead, db lives overseas) and a few of my friends.

I believe you weren't the OW - but once his dds know how long he has known you THEY may find that hard to believe. If he has successfully kept you hidden from them for such a long time then his dds are likely to doubt anything he says. From my experience with my dds it's about a shattering of faith in someone you thought was 100% trustworthy. It's a shock. I think we get to see our own parents are fallible and not always perfect as we grow older - and most of the time we can handle that with compassion as its a gradual realisation - but I think this might be a huge thing for them, so just be aware of that.

I agree catstrus that this may well be a huge thing for his children. Which is another reason not to tell them about it just a few weeks after getting the awful news that their mum has cancer.

It would be a terrible thing to do to them at the moment.

He has decided how they think and how they are going to react for them, and he thinks it is in their best interests to lie to them. He thinks this a good way to behave and is for the best.

Say you stay together and things work out and a few years down the line there is some incident in your lives that he decides you are going to get upset about and so he decides it is in your best interests that he lies to you about it over a longer period. Are you going to be okay with that?

This is this man showing you who he is. Would you be okay with this behaviour and wouldn't mind him keeping you in the dark for your own good?

catsrus, I truly understand your postion. I'm in the same situation myself as my ex had an OW and our dc's were devastated by his behaviour. 4 years on, the situation remains very difficult as my eldest 2 have nothing to do with my ex and our youngest sees his dad but refuses to have any contact with the OW.

I asked DP how we would explain our history to his girls, was I going to forever have to be careful about what I referred to. He said we would tell them a brief but true version - we dated for a while 3 years ago, had fun, split up and recently got back together. All of that would be completely true.

With every post you just justify your partner's ldeception. If he was really worried about his daughters, as opposed to his 'Good Guy' image, he would have discussed this with their mother. His motivation for the deception isn't his Ex or his DDs it's the contrived image of himself which he continues to perpetuate.

I'm guessing by the absence of a clarification that you do intend to present yourselves as a 'new' relationship. The truth will out.

It's the timing that's all gone to cock really. If we had already told them and then the diagnosis came a few days after then all this would be a moot point. It's just whether, as excusetypos says, it's all a bit too much on the back of such devastating family news.

And I feel really shit for going on and on and on about this when this poor woman who is younger than me is facing another op for cancer because they haven't removed enough of the original tumour site and now it's infiltrated another part of her body. My problem is hardly on that scale is it?

No, we wouldn't present ourselves as a new relationship. We would definitely tell them that we dated previously. That was already agreed. I do agree that this is a lot to do with preserving his own image of himself though. Which worries me.