Everything has changed because DP's exW is seriously ill. I'm absolutely stuck.

[PonytailStyle]

DP and I met 3 years ago. Both our previous relationships broke down the year before that. It was a rebound thing for both of us in many ways but we did genuinely fall in love. We had 2 lovely years together during which time he was very clear that he was not going to tell his exW about me because he didn't want to hurt her or their adult children. His decision to leave - nobody else involved but he felt incredibly guilty and said that he wanted her to meet someone else before he introduced anyone to them. I accepted this and it suited me at the time as I didn't want that level of involvement. He and his ex remain on extremely good terms and he loves her as a friend. His family mean the world to him.

DP and I parted a year ago but remained in touch. We dated other people but since Xmas we have been considering getting back together. We never stopped loving each other. We both said that this time round his family must know because we are now considering a future together. He actually raised this before I did. I was adamant that I must not be a secret. He said he couldn't lie to his family any more. We were absolutely on the same page about that part. He has said all along that he would only ever introduce a partner to his family if he intended the relationship to be permanent.

We were discussing how to do this and all the other practicalities of being together properly when his exW was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. Their children are devastated. Everyone is devastated. Hopefully, she will make a full recovery but that could be many months away. Now is not the time to introduce me to his family. But realistically I'm not sure if I can last indefinitely in this sidelined position. I'm not sure our relationship will last under that sort of pressure. DP has promised to help his ex in any way he can and I admire him for doing that. I know that he wouldn't think twice about mopping up sick or comforting her if she's upset because he's that sort of person. If she asked him to stay over to help her he would. That's one of the reasons I love him. He's a good man.

I've told him that I'm finding it hard and he's trying to reassure me. I feel such a bitch because I'm hardly battling for my life like she is.

I don't want to leave him. I love him and I want to be there for him. He is very frightened for his ex and also his children and trying to put on a brave face for them, rallying everyone round and trying to make sure his ex always has company etc. He only has me to open up to because everyone else is floundering whereas I'm removed from the situation. It's not a burden because I love him but it is very stressful.

I definitely don't want to meet his family right now. It would be too much for everyone involved, including me. His children would see me as a stranger intruding into their lives at a very difficult time. His ex might feel she couldn't ask him for help when she needed it, to say nothing of all the other possible dynamics as she considers her own mortality. She doesn't want to hear that her ex is planning a happy new life with someone when she doesn't even know if she'll be alive this time next year. I don't want to add to anyone's sadness.

I feel so selfish to even think that I've got a problem when she is battling cancer. And I'll feel even worse if I walk away now. I can't walk away. I told him today that he could end it before it goes any further if he felt it was the right thing to do. I think he could do that just on the basis of letting me go to be happy with someone else. He is that selfless. But I don't want anyone else.

We are being very very honest with each other and talking loads. We go to bed wrapped round each other every night but every morning I wake up full of doubts and sadness. I don't know what to do for the best.

[SerenaBracken]

As Pony and the man have been open and mutual friends acknowledge them, the ex wife and daughters, (why do I have Jane Austen in mind?) must already know.
What was a problem is no more!

[Fairenuff]

Serena where are you getting that from? OP said that he introduced her to friends that they bumped into as 'this is Pony'. He did not tell his friends they were a couple and they have never socialised with his friends as a couple.

[Fairenuff]

arabella

For sure fairenuff. No guarantees at all. It was merely a cold statistical comment, not meant to minimise the actual human lived experience at all.

I'm not sure why you are addressing that comment to me - are you confusing me with someone else?

[badbaldingballerina123]

Pony I think your asking a bit much after just four weeks , and I think your getting yourself worked up by some of the replies.

You say yourself initially it was a casual rebound , and that you ended it because you didn't know how you felt about him. You've now been back together for just four weeks and your wanting him to tell his family . He quite fairly says he doesn't want to unless it's going to be a long term relationship which is understandable.

There is absolutely no way I would be pressured into telling my ex husband about a new relationship after four weeks. Neither one of you can possibly know if this is going to work out after a month , and frankly it's none of his ex wife's business.

Your also pondering whether you should walk away over this because of this issue , so you don't exactly sound very committed yourself.

[SerenaBracken]

Fairenuff Sun 02-Mar-14 19:06:16
Serena where are you getting that from? OP said that he introduced her to friends that they bumped into as 'this is Pony'. He did not tell his friends they were a couple and they have never socialised with his friends as a couple.

[Fairenuff]

What do you mean, oh come on?

So, every time you are out with a man and bump into friends, they are to assume you are partners are they? Out shopping, or having a coffee?

[wouldbemedic]

OP, I've read the thread and would like to say this. There's a great deal of knowledge and wisdom on mumsnet but the perspective can be skewed or incomplete. Many posters have been burnt by relationships with men who messed around. This makes them very good at spotting men who lie or who can't commit/take advantage. Quite often, posters seem to be so good at it that they spot this sort of man when he isn't present. Receiving all these views so naively runs the risk of introducing paranoia and suspicion into a relationship where it may be utterly unnecessary.

I come from a morally old-fashioned) background and have known a lot of 'good' men who unwittingly get very self-absorbed, dithery and even arrogant when they're trying to Do the Right Thing.

I wouldn't assume your partner yearns after his ex. But he could very well still be labouring under the feeling that he's still somehow responsible for her well-being (till death do us part). Sounds like it was hard enough to abandon her when she was well - a result of his own guilt and the terrifying prospect of losing the good opinion/respect of his DDs. I imagine he has been squareing the divorce with his conscience by continuing to 'look after' her as best he can and engaging in family life in almost the same way as before. Now, with a serious relationship versus cancer diagnosis, it could be crunch time. If he's really divorced 'for good', he will have to accept that looking after his ex is no longer his responsibility (though he may still choose to do it because he loves her as a friend - and incidentally I really do not think you can win that one by insisting he steps away from that to focus on you. It would end up putting distance between you and asks him to be 'less' than he is).

Have you considered the possibility that divorce may be a process for him, whereby he takes baby steps away from that family set-up, whilst allowing his ex to take baby steps into self-reliance? It may be that making a huge step is impossible for him now, though I understand you can't wait. I can also understand why his struggling with the timing may be nothing to do with his feelings for you. No, it shouldn't be this way. He should have been moving in this direction steadily and faster, if divorce was definitely what he wanted. But perhaps you should take a little responsibility for that too - a quiet relationship suited you three years ago. While not responsible for his choices, you have certainly contributed to a situation in which your he hasn't yet taken the step of making a relationship public. Maybe you even 'normalised' the secrecy for him for two years - a significant length of time. (I'm only suggesting this because other posters have been so quick to read intentional non-commitment on his part.) If I were you, I don't think that I would doubt the goodness of this man. He's trying to take care of people he perceives as (a) having wronged and (b) vulnerable. His decisions are going to sound a bit arrogant because he assumes they need him. Occupational hazard of being a traditional Good Man. (He was never going to wear divorce very well, was he?)

I would, however, question the timing of all this and want to make absolutely sure he's ready to do this. For someone who has been so 'bad' at walking away from a marriage, this diagnosis seems fairly disastrous for your relationship. Can he leave someone with cancer to suffer alone? One would almost hope not. Can he ask you to live under the shadow of this indefinitely, coming second to another woman? Definitely not.

In your shoes, I'd explain that you can't see the relationship progressing right now as a result of what's going on in his family, given the dynamic that's been operating in the family for so long. I would suggest being friends, seeing other people for an agreed length of time (you probably should, if only to not be 'waiting'). You can agree to revisit this issue in six months or a year, see what the situation is then and make a decision to go ahead or cut ties accordingly. He can work out exactly what he's prepared to do to get what he wants (which is likely to be you). You're not exactly waiting. You're simply doing what you were already doing for the last year up until Christmas.

[LadyofSpain]

Pony, I feel that you are still - understandably - allowing your own previous horrendous relationship to colour your thinking to some extent. It is human nature to go all out to protect oneself from being hurt again, but it can lead to overthinking, and imagining scenarios, to such an extent that you just end up totally confused, and you feel like running away.

My take on this is that this is a decent man - and there are still many around - who feels immense guilt for breaking up his family, and lives in fear of losing his children and grandchild. This is not uncommon, and reinforces my feeling that he is thoroughly decent. Now, he has the added complication of his ex wifes illness. It <strong>is</strong> possible that his daughters may turn against him, if they feel that he is letting their mother down.<br /> <br /> Perhaps the best thing would be to let things take their course for the next few weeks. Constant questions and discussions will not be helpful right now. Actions and feelings are what matter. You have to realise that the poor man is probably just as unsure as you are, considering that you have already ended the relationship once. Be there for each other, and leave the big decisions for now. If something is worth having, its worth waiting for.

[livingzuid]

balding agree that it's all overly complicated. I think the difference being op has introduced him to her dcs and friends. There's an awful lot of history there over several years. This isn't just a casual thing. And he agreed to tell and now doesn't want to.

pony it is what you are comfortable with at the end of the day. It's a straightforward matter to sort out. Perhaps agree a time limit with him as to when the news needs to be shared by?

Hopefully his X will recover. Breast cancer has a much higher survival rate now this may or may not be helpful for you but I used to work in the cancer field www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-info/cancerstats/types/breast/ and this is in reference to statistic enquiries above thread.

Hope you and his family all find a happy outcome

[livingzuid]

Sorry link again

www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-info/cancerstats/types/breast/

[StrawberryMojito]

I don't think he should tell the ex or children now. At the moment, every conversation they have together is probably going to be about the cancer or related to it. I imagine they are scared and distressed, why add to that with news that may upset them?

Yes it will be difficult to get round the fact that he has lied to them for years but that will be his problem. see how it goes over the next couple of months both for her and your relationship and take it from there. Don't let the situation run indefinitely but it is early days for your reunion.

That said, cancer aside, I would be wary of being involved with someone who was that heavily invested with his ex wife to start with.

[livingzuid]

And X posted apologies. The last two posts were spot on. Particularly the 'do the Right Thing' point. Really, it's what you are happy with.

[SerenaBracken]

There is info creeping in here that I must have missed.

OP's children? Breast Cancer?

[badbaldingballerina123]

Living , I disagree with your statement saying this isn't just a casual fling , it's been four weeks !!!!!!

And yes , there is history . But the history is that Op saw him as a fling , didn't want any commitment and she binned him because she didn't know how she felt about him after two years.

Op is still dithering about whether she wants to be with him or not , while simultaneously demanding he tell his wife.

Am I the only one who can understand this guy's reluctance ?

[badbaldingballerina123]

I also disagree with the idea that he has lied to his wife for years about the Op. It sounds like they had a friends with benefits arrangement , why on earth would he tell his ex wife about such an arrangement ?

[livingzuid]

History and contact for 3 years is plenty of history. And they had already agreed to tell so surely it then becomes irrelevant?

pony I apologise for my wet comment earlier I was mid pregnant hormone rage at my own X who is as drippy as they come and shouldn't have projected. He doesn't sound like a bad guy at all but I guess I come from the kids perspective where they should be told and I am sure they would appreciate knowing. I just don't know how long you carry on not sharing detail like that with close family.

Do hope you get it sorted.

[arabellarubberplant]

Apols fairenough - fabbakergirls's post, not yours. Too many F's and too small a screen.

[arabellarubberplant]

Serena,

Pony' post of 12.51.03 deals with the dx

[noddyholder]

I don't see how being supportive of his children's mother while she has cancer can be seen as over invested.

[deakymom]

IF they have been split up for four years surely she would expect this? and he doesn't need to make a big dance about it just casually mention he needs to make a call to let pony he is going to be late and she can draw her own assumptions

my ex told me his girlfriend was pregnant by telling me he was tidying up the spare room in his flat i congratulated him (we had only been broke up a few months and he was still trying to string me along saying he regretted it etc so he was a twunt)

[Ghirly]

I didn't come out unscathed serenabracken I ended up in counselling for a year - when it was meant to be a 12 week course

[noddyholder]

Sounds more like a celine dion classic ;)

[wouldbemedic]

essiebee and noddy - catty, much?

[noddyholder]

I forgot about the no joke rule on Mn sorry