Everything has changed because DP's exW is seriously ill. I'm absolutely stuck.

[PonytailStyle]

DP and I met 3 years ago. Both our previous relationships broke down the year before that. It was a rebound thing for both of us in many ways but we did genuinely fall in love. We had 2 lovely years together during which time he was very clear that he was not going to tell his exW about me because he didn't want to hurt her or their adult children. His decision to leave - nobody else involved but he felt incredibly guilty and said that he wanted her to meet someone else before he introduced anyone to them. I accepted this and it suited me at the time as I didn't want that level of involvement. He and his ex remain on extremely good terms and he loves her as a friend. His family mean the world to him.

DP and I parted a year ago but remained in touch. We dated other people but since Xmas we have been considering getting back together. We never stopped loving each other. We both said that this time round his family must know because we are now considering a future together. He actually raised this before I did. I was adamant that I must not be a secret. He said he couldn't lie to his family any more. We were absolutely on the same page about that part. He has said all along that he would only ever introduce a partner to his family if he intended the relationship to be permanent.

We were discussing how to do this and all the other practicalities of being together properly when his exW was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. Their children are devastated. Everyone is devastated. Hopefully, she will make a full recovery but that could be many months away. Now is not the time to introduce me to his family. But realistically I'm not sure if I can last indefinitely in this sidelined position. I'm not sure our relationship will last under that sort of pressure. DP has promised to help his ex in any way he can and I admire him for doing that. I know that he wouldn't think twice about mopping up sick or comforting her if she's upset because he's that sort of person. If she asked him to stay over to help her he would. That's one of the reasons I love him. He's a good man.

I've told him that I'm finding it hard and he's trying to reassure me. I feel such a bitch because I'm hardly battling for my life like she is.

I don't want to leave him. I love him and I want to be there for him. He is very frightened for his ex and also his children and trying to put on a brave face for them, rallying everyone round and trying to make sure his ex always has company etc. He only has me to open up to because everyone else is floundering whereas I'm removed from the situation. It's not a burden because I love him but it is very stressful.

I definitely don't want to meet his family right now. It would be too much for everyone involved, including me. His children would see me as a stranger intruding into their lives at a very difficult time. His ex might feel she couldn't ask him for help when she needed it, to say nothing of all the other possible dynamics as she considers her own mortality. She doesn't want to hear that her ex is planning a happy new life with someone when she doesn't even know if she'll be alive this time next year. I don't want to add to anyone's sadness.

I feel so selfish to even think that I've got a problem when she is battling cancer. And I'll feel even worse if I walk away now. I can't walk away. I told him today that he could end it before it goes any further if he felt it was the right thing to do. I think he could do that just on the basis of letting me go to be happy with someone else. He is that selfless. But I don't want anyone else.

We are being very very honest with each other and talking loads. We go to bed wrapped round each other every night but every morning I wake up full of doubts and sadness. I don't know what to do for the best.

After his children who should come first who do you think comes next with him, his ex wife or you?

If it were months then I wouldn't be in this situation because it wouldn't have gone on that long. I wouldn't let it. We spent most of January just enjoying being with each other. He would stay over in my bed but with no sexual intent. I know that sounds weird but it was nice just to cuddled by a good friend who happened to be a man. By February it was turning into something more and we started talking about being a couple again because it was sliding that way and we didn't want it to slide into what it was before.
So this has just been a matter of 4 weeks (ish). I think that's actually quite soon to introduce a partner. The initial relationship was in my eyes a fling that lasted longer than it should. I wanted a fling, fell in love then ended it for my own reasons. To me, this is a new situation. A new relationship with an ex.

I'm well aware that I'm rambling on a bit now.

He doesn't have to introduce you, but he also doesn't have to lie about you. He should be casually mentioning you in conversation if he's asked about what he has been doing or is discussing what he's been doing, in the same way that if his daughters were dating someone they'd discuss their boyfriend in conversation even if things weren't at the "meeting the parents" stage.

I have read all of this thread but as early as page 1 or 2 it became obvious to me that this man has narcissistic tendencies OP.

I was in a secretive relationship with a narc for 2 years. He wasn't even married to his ex, no children, no cancer, but he was still worried she would be upset if he was seen to be moving on.

I read up on narcissists, saw that he was a classic example, realised he couldn't help himself and I left.

I really feel for you OP, I know how soul destroying it is to be kept secret.

I don't see why it should have to be a big deal, just drop into the conversation that he has started seeing someone! At the end of the day you are only going out with him, not really a big deal, one of the daughters could very easily spot you together sometime anyway (if they haven't already!)

It could be innocent or not.
Others have asked whether you have met his friends? I don't think you answered that.
I'd add to that, any of his family, work colleagues, clients etc? It's almost impossible to go out together and not meet someone that one of you knows.
Have you introduced him to anyone on that list from your side?

"Ghirly" had he been truly suffering from NPD, you wouldn't have got out unscathed to just leave. NPD's do their best to ruin you. Once someone turns on them or is of no further use, a threat to their new relationship or their very close brushes with the Law/HMRCS they are very dangerous indeed.

Just because a person is a total shit, doesn't make them NPD. The term is over used.

Maybe he thinks introducing his new partner at such a highly emotional time may be a little insensitive and could upset his children.In highly charged situations like this people can react OTT to things that would usually be fairly straight forward.

Clearly it's the wrong time for introductions. But not 'casual mentions'.

I don't think your 'it's only 4 weeks' rationale is relevant - since you already know each other so well.

But even 'mentioning' could get someones back up until things are clearer what the prognosis is. I am not saying its right but I know I am part of a family where it is 'any excuse for an argument' and I know a couple of relations would over react to something like this and so I would probably hang fire.

Op this won't paint me in a good light but I've behaved in a similar way to your dp , and my dp felt similar to you . I don't feel good writing this because in hindsight I can see how incredibly unfair I've been to dp.

I split from my h , I felt incredibly guilty about it , mainly for the dcs. I met someone very soon , and while I thought a lot of him , I was wary of committing and we were a bit on and off.

Me and ex h continued to operate as a family unit . Most contact with the dcs occured here in the family home . We had days out frequently and even went on holiday several times. No one knew about my dp , and he wasn't happy about it . This probably went on for about five years . To me they were separate and I didn't want to alter the family dynamics. To my shame we would have Christmas with eh and my p would be on his own. Nothing ever happened with me a n d ex h , and strangely I thought I was putting the dcs first by still providing them with a family environment.

Eventually I did tell them and it was no big deal , but it did alter the family dynamics . For me I was done with the marriage but wasn't prepared to give up the family dynamic , and I also wasn't ready to fully commit to my dp.

Serena, yes we have bumped into people he knows and he has introduced me but we've never been out with another couple. He met my family and some of my friends during the first phase. We never skulked around, hiding behind bushes or anything.

He is a bit different but I do like that about him. I don't think he's NPD but who am I to say? I would love to hear what his ex has to say about him actually. Perhaps that's why we haven't met yet!

You have every right to be acknowledged op just because his ex unfortunately has cancer doesn't make a difference. I think he should tell his ex, if they are that close then she will be pleased he has someone who comforts and looks after him.

bbb - how on earth did you keep that up for 5 years?? Are you still with your DP now?

Pony, you are being slightly disingenuous. You may only have thought of yourself as 'going out' for a couple of weeks, but apparently were spending many nights platonically entwined sleeping together prior. Notwithstanding your 24mo sexual relationship...

Are you both not just totally overthinking this entire thing?

Real life just can't be planned out to the meticulous degree that you are both trying to enact.

If you like each other well enough, and see yourselves embarking upon a long term committed (at this point) relationship, just go with it.

No more endless night discussions, no more secrecy, angst, waking up sad, no more trying to plan out everybody else's lives, no more endless compartmentalising or trying to second guess everyone else's reactions.

Just get on with your lives. Together, with full knowledge of your nearest and dearest on both sides.

Whatever will be, and all that jazz.

All this nightmarish debate is exhausting.

Either you are a team going forward, or you are not. In which case, off you pop and live your own life, as you are clearly not meant to be a part of his.

I think you both need to do something off the cuff, something unexpected and reasonably wild. Without thinking about it and planning it for months on end. Learn to be spontaneous and have some fun. If this continues, you are never, ever going to be able to do anything together that doesn't involve a good few years of prep as to how he will manage to go on holiday for a fortnight whilst keeping his relationship secret. Let alone the even bigger stuff - the marriage you won't be able to share with his kids, the family events that clash, that you will have to go to alone because he can't tell his 30 yo dd that he's in another relationship, etc etc.

You must be completely exhausted. Really, you both need to find a way to lighten up and not take yourselves so seriously. I know his ex is dealing with life and death (although will almost certainly recover well) and so she's fragile. It's normal for him to be mixed up about this, but even your own relationship having to be planned out to the nth degree is just overly wearing.

Why is it so draining?

Why does it need to be?

The stress of this is going to kill it dead before you've both decided whether or not to tell his kids, and finished the debate.

^ mostly has a point except for when she says the ex wife "will almost certainly recover well." There are no certainties when someone has cancer.

Serena, yes we have bumped into people he knows and he has introduced me

But he introduced as a friend, as in 'This is Pony*. He didn't tell them you were his girlfriend. None of his friends know about your relationship do they?

I suspect if it was me I'd give things another 2 or 3 weeks but ask him to stop lying (if he has been) and start casually mentioning me if appropriate, he can start with his parents first. If no-one knows of my existence in 3 weeks then he'll drag this out for ages. She's likely to need radiotherapy and or chemo, the treatment of breast cancer is often drawn out and I wouldn't want to wait months.

Yes we are still together and I rarely see ex husband. Family dynamic has obviously changed , as it should have years ago. There's currently a thread where the Op is asking how to keep things amicable after a split for the dcs. Posters are saying beyond hand overs for contact there's not really a need to . I think my circumstances were at the extreme end of that idea , keeping things amicable for them but taking it too far out of guilt.

Some people are definitely done with their marriage , but not willing to give up the family as they know it . As most people know you can't have both , but it doesn't stop them trying.

PonytailStyle Sun 02-Mar-14 17:31:05

Serena, yes we have bumped into people he knows and he has introduced me but we've never been out with another couple. He met my family and some of my friends during the first phase. We never skulked around, hiding behind bushes or anything.

He is a bit different but I do like that about him. I don't think he's NPD but who am I to say? I would love to hear what his ex has to say about him actually. Perhaps that's why we haven't met yet!

Yikes, the NPD wasn't aimed at you but another poster. Why on Earth did you think it was for you?

So you were as a couple. Then surely his family already know?

Looking at it the other way pony , you say the first time you were together you weren't really very committed and that you ended up ending things. That's similar to my situation , there was no way I was going to introduce someone who wasn't fully committed or who was going to be on and off.

You've been apart for over a year and have only just started seeing each other again . I can see his reluctance in a way.

For sure fairenuff. No guarantees at all. It was merely a cold statistical comment, not meant to minimise the actual human lived experience at all.

I've had friends die of cancer. BC is less of a risk, but there is still an obvious risk. It doesn't make the dx, treatment or recovery any easier to know the stats.

Hence 'almost'.

arabellarubberplant All this nightmarish debate is exhausting.

Yep, and I'm still pondering as to just what is going on?