Everything has changed because DP's exW is seriously ill. I'm absolutely stuck.

[PonytailStyle]

DP and I met 3 years ago. Both our previous relationships broke down the year before that. It was a rebound thing for both of us in many ways but we did genuinely fall in love. We had 2 lovely years together during which time he was very clear that he was not going to tell his exW about me because he didn't want to hurt her or their adult children. His decision to leave - nobody else involved but he felt incredibly guilty and said that he wanted her to meet someone else before he introduced anyone to them. I accepted this and it suited me at the time as I didn't want that level of involvement. He and his ex remain on extremely good terms and he loves her as a friend. His family mean the world to him.

DP and I parted a year ago but remained in touch. We dated other people but since Xmas we have been considering getting back together. We never stopped loving each other. We both said that this time round his family must know because we are now considering a future together. He actually raised this before I did. I was adamant that I must not be a secret. He said he couldn't lie to his family any more. We were absolutely on the same page about that part. He has said all along that he would only ever introduce a partner to his family if he intended the relationship to be permanent.

We were discussing how to do this and all the other practicalities of being together properly when his exW was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. Their children are devastated. Everyone is devastated. Hopefully, she will make a full recovery but that could be many months away. Now is not the time to introduce me to his family. But realistically I'm not sure if I can last indefinitely in this sidelined position. I'm not sure our relationship will last under that sort of pressure. DP has promised to help his ex in any way he can and I admire him for doing that. I know that he wouldn't think twice about mopping up sick or comforting her if she's upset because he's that sort of person. If she asked him to stay over to help her he would. That's one of the reasons I love him. He's a good man.

I've told him that I'm finding it hard and he's trying to reassure me. I feel such a bitch because I'm hardly battling for my life like she is.

I don't want to leave him. I love him and I want to be there for him. He is very frightened for his ex and also his children and trying to put on a brave face for them, rallying everyone round and trying to make sure his ex always has company etc. He only has me to open up to because everyone else is floundering whereas I'm removed from the situation. It's not a burden because I love him but it is very stressful.

I definitely don't want to meet his family right now. It would be too much for everyone involved, including me. His children would see me as a stranger intruding into their lives at a very difficult time. His ex might feel she couldn't ask him for help when she needed it, to say nothing of all the other possible dynamics as she considers her own mortality. She doesn't want to hear that her ex is planning a happy new life with someone when she doesn't even know if she'll be alive this time next year. I don't want to add to anyone's sadness.

I feel so selfish to even think that I've got a problem when she is battling cancer. And I'll feel even worse if I walk away now. I can't walk away. I told him today that he could end it before it goes any further if he felt it was the right thing to do. I think he could do that just on the basis of letting me go to be happy with someone else. He is that selfless. But I don't want anyone else.

We are being very very honest with each other and talking loads. We go to bed wrapped round each other every night but every morning I wake up full of doubts and sadness. I don't know what to do for the best.

Good luck OP. first and foremost this is your life. You're perfectly entitled to say a real relationship is XYZ and you're not there yet.

Do you hang out with other couples on his side (ie his friends) or with his parents / siblings etc or are you total secret?

Thanks. I'm very grateful to everyone for the advice. I'm trying to take it on board. Wonder why he would waste his time thinking he could win her back? And if he thought he could, why bother with me?? He makes a huge effort when were together. We go to beautiful restaurants, have lovely days out, weekends away and it's not all about sex either. We do get on really well. How could he fake that?

I just want the truth.

He's not faking. He could be leading a double existence of being top guy to everyone but bit being 100 per cent for anyone.

Does he have to thill his friends and other family members not to mention you?

I am good friends with my ex and we have adult children. If I was ill, I would want my ex to be happy and have some support from someone who is nice, which you are! I think he may be surprised but I think she will embrace it - I would

Ponytail - the questions you get vague / "im just a good guy, it pains me to answer this" are the questions you must keep asking.

Remember he's a grown up making grown decisions. So don't feel guilty about wanting explanations as to why he's making those decisions.

As scottishmummy said - be aware of deflection tactics. Play your cards close to your chest. Protect your heart!

Don't show him this thread.

Good god, no. He will not see this thread.

Sorry OP just wanted to add that he doesn't sound serious about you at all. This is not healthy behaviour. If his children were toddlers or a bit older a would understand, slightly more, his nervousness.
But ultimately in this situation you just need to bite the bullet and get it out there. And it's strange that he hasn't, more than strange it's suspicious.

I feel the ex's cancer whist awful for her, is another excuse for him to string you along.

I don't think he is a nice guy OP. Not by a long shot.

It sounds like he wants to be adored. And keeping everyone compartmentalised makes it easier for him to achieve that.

Just to add a different view, my Dad had met his now wife when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. We were all adults too but my Dad was still very much affected by mum's diagnosis. He had been married to her for over twenty years and was still friends with her. He was a complete rock to us, his children, and visited mum when she was ill and undergoing treatment. He carried on visiting when we were told that mum was terminal and even offered to stay over to give my siblings and I a break from caring for mum. He was one of the first people to get to the house when mum died and helped me write her eulogy.

His partner was amazing and secure enough in their relationship to understand that we needed Dad through those awful times. Granted she wasn't a secret but please don't automatically attribute negative connotations to his actions.

I don't think that now is the right time. The time was right a few years ago. They were divorced presumably but everything had to remain a secret in case the ex wife got upset. So I don't think breaking the news now that she is very seriously ill is a good idea at all. But I agree with wondering if all is how it seems in this case.

He's agreed to tell his family about me IF THE RESULTS ARE GOOD NEXT WEEK (but, they won't be will be? Because these results are always subjective and full of ifs, buts and maybes, aren't they?)
I should add that I have a medical background and he doesn't. I don't know what to think. We have talked and he has fallen asleep so I'm taking the opportunity to post.

pony :( how did the conversation go in general? Was it a positive discussion or was he defensive?

Sounds like a cop out answer I am afraid and I wouldn't accept it. Cancer doesn't just disappear overnight as I'm sure you know. What is his reluctance to tell her, did he go into this?

Just a 'I have a partner called X I will be at her place tonight if you need me' is all it takes.

How do you feel about it?

What does your gut tell you pony

As an aside, he must have an exceedingly high opinion of himself if he thinks his ex wife of four years is in any way going to be devastated by the news he has a partner. I wonder if he thinks she has been dateless since their separation. Did you get any more answers on their divorce?

This is so strange.

Pony do any of his family (parents, siblings) know about you two being together? Do his friends and your friends know?

Why does there have to be a grand unveiling at all? Surely he just drops 'sure, call me, I'm at pony's' into a conversation, instead of hedging. He doesn't need to do the 'sit down everyone, I've got Something Important to Tell You.' Routine? That would be very silly. It isn't that big a deal.

If he thinks it's going to be, why? After 4 years, it would be weird if he wasn't seeing someone.

And on that same basis, if he and his (ex) wife get on so well, why does he consistently lie to her when he chats from your house?

This whole thing is so strange. Why do you only get to be a part of normal life if his ex wife doesn't have cancer?

What has his ex wife having cancer got to do with you? At all?

I'd just accidentally bump into one of his kids, and say 'oh, I've just realised who you are! I've been seeing your dad for three years! How funny! I'm so pleased you meet you at last!'

Hmm. I am not quite so sure as some are that he is up to no good. I think he may be quite genuine about wanting to support his ex and kids at a terrible time.

But he is going about it the wrong way. Cancer is a time for everyone to be honest and to focus on what really, really matters. So its time for him to tell his kids, I love ponytail and she is going to support me while I support you and your mum. And his ex may well say, I am glad you will have someone after I have gone, if that's what happens.

What is likely is you will all live with at least a few years of uncertainty. You can't live in limbo that long. I do agree it is a pity you didn't get disclosed earlier, but sometimes people can't be doing with all the faff of communication etc. let it go. But it is time for this relationship to come out of the closet now.

Oh, a thought - you aren't the same age as his kids, are you? Or younger? That would give a whole other light to the reasoning...

I really, really don't think linking the disclosure of your existence with the progression of his ex-wife's illness is a good, or healthy, thing to be considering. It sounds ghoulish, and deeply uncomfortable.

And now you're boxed into a corner, Ponytail. If you try and stand up for yourself you're going to be the bitch who wouldn't stand by him when his best friend was diagnosed with cancer. (And btw the question of his other friends mentioned above is an interesting one. Why are you, his gf of 8 weeks, doing all the supporting of him, even with your previous relationship?)

I think you need to back off from this until it's less emotionally charged. But I'm not sure how you do that without looking like you've cut and run. But he can't have it both ways. Either you're in it together, in which case he can damn well acknowledge you, or you're in a casual relationship, which means it's not your job to be propping him up 24*7. I seriously don't understand why he thinks anyone will give a hoot about this news under the current circumstances. There's something not right about this and I don't think it's your responsibility either to put up with it or find out what it is - all this talking that's going on but not enough honesty. No wonder you are waking up feeling sad.

Maybe his ex is the type to go mental when she finds out he's moved on. Does that seem likely?

Thing is, what if the results are bad? Is he basically saying he won't tell her if she's ill or dying? Are you prepared to put the relationship on hold until she's dead or better?

My DM has a similar relationship OP (but without the cancer complication).

He has been divorced over 10 years, his ex is re-married and his adult children are in their 30's. He went through a period of promising/arranging to introduce her to family members or his DC, but there was always a last minute excuse or a contrived argument that prevented him from taking her. They have been on and off for a number of years, he has broken her heart a number of times. For the first year or two I think she thought they had a future together, now I think she is resigned to whatever she gets from him.

It's really sad, I think a relationship should be 'whole' and not compartmentalised. It isn't because he is a 'nice' man (I could go on with examples of this). It is because he wants sex without the strings, he wants companionship on his own terms, he is still in love with his ex wife, he idolises his DD.

I do have sympathy with the cancer diagnosis situation, even as an adult the diagnosis of a parent is traumatic and some adult children (particularly if not established in their own lives/families yet) would find it difficult seeing their parent with another partner. So yes I think dropping it into conversation should wait a bit, but it shouldn't wait long, and he shouldn't make abig deal out of it.

Good luck OP.

I may be way off the mark here but this really brings to mind those arrogant types (I've met a couple in the 40 something dating world) who decide to leave their marriage and DC in search of "something better" but still insist on controlling everything that happens with the ex and DC, so that former partner can't move on.

You don't even know if his ex wants his involvement or support, OP. She might be quite fed up with his interference but goes along with it for the sake of being amicable for the DC etc, or because he hasn't given her a chance to properly get over their split.

And I agree, what need for any big reveal, exactly?

It was DC who told me about my ex's new partner and although I was mildly irritated he hadn't mentioned it before DC met her, at 4 years post divorce I'm really quite unbothered about it all.

And the reason why I don't really give a jot is because we've both given each other the time and space to move on.