Everything has changed because DP's exW is seriously ill. I'm absolutely stuck.

[PonytailStyle]

DP and I met 3 years ago. Both our previous relationships broke down the year before that. It was a rebound thing for both of us in many ways but we did genuinely fall in love. We had 2 lovely years together during which time he was very clear that he was not going to tell his exW about me because he didn't want to hurt her or their adult children. His decision to leave - nobody else involved but he felt incredibly guilty and said that he wanted her to meet someone else before he introduced anyone to them. I accepted this and it suited me at the time as I didn't want that level of involvement. He and his ex remain on extremely good terms and he loves her as a friend. His family mean the world to him.

DP and I parted a year ago but remained in touch. We dated other people but since Xmas we have been considering getting back together. We never stopped loving each other. We both said that this time round his family must know because we are now considering a future together. He actually raised this before I did. I was adamant that I must not be a secret. He said he couldn't lie to his family any more. We were absolutely on the same page about that part. He has said all along that he would only ever introduce a partner to his family if he intended the relationship to be permanent.

We were discussing how to do this and all the other practicalities of being together properly when his exW was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. Their children are devastated. Everyone is devastated. Hopefully, she will make a full recovery but that could be many months away. Now is not the time to introduce me to his family. But realistically I'm not sure if I can last indefinitely in this sidelined position. I'm not sure our relationship will last under that sort of pressure. DP has promised to help his ex in any way he can and I admire him for doing that. I know that he wouldn't think twice about mopping up sick or comforting her if she's upset because he's that sort of person. If she asked him to stay over to help her he would. That's one of the reasons I love him. He's a good man.

I've told him that I'm finding it hard and he's trying to reassure me. I feel such a bitch because I'm hardly battling for my life like she is.

I don't want to leave him. I love him and I want to be there for him. He is very frightened for his ex and also his children and trying to put on a brave face for them, rallying everyone round and trying to make sure his ex always has company etc. He only has me to open up to because everyone else is floundering whereas I'm removed from the situation. It's not a burden because I love him but it is very stressful.

I definitely don't want to meet his family right now. It would be too much for everyone involved, including me. His children would see me as a stranger intruding into their lives at a very difficult time. His ex might feel she couldn't ask him for help when she needed it, to say nothing of all the other possible dynamics as she considers her own mortality. She doesn't want to hear that her ex is planning a happy new life with someone when she doesn't even know if she'll be alive this time next year. I don't want to add to anyone's sadness.

I feel so selfish to even think that I've got a problem when she is battling cancer. And I'll feel even worse if I walk away now. I can't walk away. I told him today that he could end it before it goes any further if he felt it was the right thing to do. I think he could do that just on the basis of letting me go to be happy with someone else. He is that selfless. But I don't want anyone else.

We are being very very honest with each other and talking loads. We go to bed wrapped round each other every night but every morning I wake up full of doubts and sadness. I don't know what to do for the best.

[CQ]

You don't need to suddenly become part of their lives. He just needs to calmly tell them that he's met someone and that you are important to him.

[scottishmummy]

Cancer diagnosis and treatment can last years and include remission
It is a real shame you're in love and he's not wholly committed to you
You need to start prioritising yourself,your Needs,keeping yourself sane

[rainbowsmiles]

Seems bizarre that he can't tell his ex wife about you for fear of upsetting her. They are divorced and more than amicable.

It appears that he continues to put his ex-wife before you. He seems to think his ex wife's feelings are more important than yours. Strangely imbalanced.

If you are not the other woman who caused the break down of his marriage then I cannot see why introducing you would have any impact on his ex wife. He sounds like he is more invested in his relationship with his ex than with you.

[PonytailStyle]

We broke up before because I was unsure how I felt about him. It was my decision.

I am now wondering if she was the one that left the marriage. Why didn't I consider that before??? I'm so bloody gullible.

[justiceofthePeas]

Would you consider asking him to tell her/them?
Say you don't need/want to meet them.until the time is right but that you cannot see why they cannot know that he has you.

His ex may actually feel better knowing that he has someone.

[scottishmummy]

You've fallen in love,he's not been genuine.thats his problem not yours
With this knowledge you need to protect yourself,and be with an honest man
Dust yourself down,gather your pals and have a good cry,move on

[PonytailStyle]

If I'm not careful we will slip into what we did for the first 2 years. So I know I must sort this out now. Cancer or no cancer. Oh bugger. Don't know what to think.

[PonytailStyle]

I could ask him to tell them. Bit how would I know he had?!

[Val007]

Are you SURE she has cancer? Anyway, that's beyond the point. He sounds very very dodgy. Have you ever been happy with him? Don't answer me. Dig deeper in your heart. I am prepared to bet a lot of money that he loves her, not you!

[PonytailStyle]

My head is spinning to think that maybe she gave him the boot and he was hankering after her all this time...

[scottishmummy]

Look,it's not about the wife.its all about him,he is noncommittal to you
Stop reframing this as being about the wife.its all about him
You know a cancer diagnosis and treatment can last years

[SauceForTheGander]

Ponytail the reason why I'm now not gullible is because I was lied to for 3 years - pretty seriously.

I didn't realise someone could or would lie about the really big stuff like love, money, ex wives, DCs . You are not gullible or stupid - you are honest and judging what he says on your moral code.

If there's always a reason, always a "poor me, I would love to but I just can't hurt people " or yet another drama (work, kids etc) - then it's usually to deflect your attention and to stop you asking awkward questions.

[arabellarubberplant]

First things first - are you the same poster who had this issue before? If so, you just need to leg it.

If you are a completely different poster, and this is a brand new situation, a lot of people will have the 'thread from before' in their heads and will be commenting from that pov, subconsciously, so you will not be getting decent advice, even if the posters think they are being fair.

Secondly - divorced 4 years ago, children adults. It is really very strange that you are such a huge part of his life, but completely secret. Really very strange. This is a much bigger problem than any brand spanking new cancer dx.

Thirdly - It's unlikely that he will be expected to have anything directly to do with his ex-wife and her treatment - and I am slightly intrigued why they spend so much time talking on the phone when they split up years ago and have only adult children - what's that about? They aren't arranging contact, or dealing with dental appointments for their offspring?

If indeed they are good friends, just not in love (blah blah) and neither of them has moved on, at all, and they just don't live together/ shag anymore, the whole secrecy thing makes no sense at all. If they are such good friends, they should be sharing new relationships with each other, happy that they are each moving on - as presumably this was the reason they split, so they could both be free to move on and meet new lovers and feel fulfilled - find whatever was missing from their own relationship - I just can't work out why if everything was so amicable (albeit apparently devastating and heart breaking....) why there was a need for such bloody weird behaviour from him with the secrecy thing....

Anyway, this really isn't a time for ultimatums, is it? You just need to talk to the bloke and try and work out what you are both in the relationship for, and why this is impacted by his ex's dx. And whether it should be. And, if you both want the same things - an open, healthy relationship where you see each other's families and aren't just a shag-stop on convenient nights and not to be mentioned to anyone he cares about - then you need to work out how you are going to get there from this ridiculous impasse.

If I was an adult child, I would be struggling to work out why my dad had kept his long term partner a secret for 4 years, even if my mum did have cancer. The problem really isn't what is happening now, it's how you ended up here.

But if you are the poster from before, ignore all that. The whole family has way more problems than you require, now or ever.

[PonytailStyle]

I don't blame his wife at all. I can see he isn't committed to me.
I need to put myself first don't I? Because he isn't, is he?

[SauceForTheGander]

This isn't a grown up relationship that's going anywhere - he's trying to tell you that by saying he can't tell anyone about you.

Sorry OP - it's tough.

Please go buy the book "he's just not that into you"

[AmazingJumper]

I'm another one saying that the cancer isn't an excuse, sorry.

[scottishmummy]

He's manipulating you,distraction and but she's got cancer.to control you
This leaves yuk having to take lead from him,and always the unacknowledged one
And if you have the temerity to complain,he'll remind you she has cancer

[morethanpotatoprints]

Another scenario idea.

Could she have kicked him out because he was having an affair. They are still together in some sense and he is stringing you both along. The x wife and his dc could know that they are together, hence why he doesn't want you to meet them.

[PonytailStyle]

I'm definitely not the previous poster of a similar thread.
I have name changed because I am discussing someone's personal medical diagnosis and didn't want them to be identified in RL.
I don't remember the other thread.
The only thing I would say is that for the first 2 years I was happy to not meet his family. I was not long out of a long relationship and didn't expect it to go anywhere with the first person I dated. I thought we would date for a while and it would fizzle out. I kept reminding myself it was probably a rebound thing and I was lonely etc. I did love him though. I still do.

[yourehavingalaugh]

You are being too understanding. Oh, he is so wonderful he can't stop seeing the woman he divorced four years ago and he couldn't possibly tell anyone about me, that's the kind of man he is.

It is very odd.

He doesn't have to make an announcement one day and introduce you to the whole family the next. But he should certainly mention he is in a committed relationship with you (if of course he is.)

[Fatphase]

Its where this goes next you should worry about.

It sounds a very very horrid thing to say but frankly the cancer diagnosis has given him years of excuses to keep you quiet.

There will be ups and downs in her treatment and awful that it is to say if her cancer becomes incurable he will say he can't "come out" about you now....and so on and on and on.

If/when she gets into remission he will say its too soon. The kids need to come to terms with their mothers illness etc etc

Can you see where this is going????

And tbh - this isnt about her cancer. If she was healthy right now then there would be another family reason/crisis with either her or one of his grown up kids.

If he is serious about you then he needs to grit his teeth and come clean about you to everyone.

Why does he feel so shit and guilty about your relationship? Was there anything between you both before his split with his wife became official?

[MadIsTheNewNormal]

When you say you've seen the divorce papers, are they filled out? Decree Nisi? Absolute? Or just sitting around the house going nowhere?

What is odd about this is that three or four years is a very long time to be officially separated and almost divorced from someone, without the subject of other partners coming up on either side. I can understand why he may not have been ready to introduce you to his children, but surely if he stays with you so often you'd at least come up in conversation? What about his friends, colleagues and people on his side of the family? Have you been introduced as his partner to anyone?

If not I'd be seriously worried that whtever he tells you you've been nothing much more than a secret mistress.

It seems a bit odd that you say you were not that bothered about commitment before, that you broke up for a year, and suddenly now you are trying to make a go of it and one of the conditions would appear to be that you will no longer be a secret. So perhaps you were a bit more bothered than you are letting on all along...?

And lo and behold, just at the point that you are both quite emphatic about needing to be open with his ex and his children, this happens and it's not the right time....

I hate to be cynical but if it smells like a fish and all that...

Also to seem even more cynical, (sorry but I have to ask) if they are not divorced yet, where was he for the year he wasn't seeing you, and is it possible that he is hastily trying to patch things up in case she dies, to make sure all their joint money stays within his control?

[livingzuid]

OP sorry to say I think he's not that serious about you and your relationship. Just read this to dh and he immediately said 'they guy is not really interested'. It's awful that the X has cancer but should not matter about him telling her and his adult children he has a new partner. Particularly the adult kids, really. No business of theirs if they are that old anyway!

It all sounds extremely convenient for him with you always left in the background.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I didn't reply because this reminded of a previous thread but now I see it isn't one I was thinking of.

Chiming in late now, but this sounds very difficult for you, and I appreciate you are trying to do the right thing. It makes me sound very cynical suspecting someone could quite calculatedly use their former partner's serious medical condition to give you the brush off and get back in with her. I'm sorry but he's rather kept you dangling. A year apart, then back together, and he's no nearer introducing you to the world at large? And I even question that you are the only person he can open up to in the current crisis. That places a big burden on your shoulders whilst at the same time, makes you feel wanted and important and keeps you on the hook that bit longer... You're not gullible through anything but a sort of old fashioned decency and trusting nature.

Either he finally comes clean about you or you call it a day with him. I can imagine you read this thinking this is so not a time to threaten him with an ultimatum! Actually it is. Otherwise where are you in 6, 12, 18 months' time?