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Relationships

Everything has changed because DP's exW is seriously ill. I'm absolutely stuck.

280 replies

PonytailStyle · 01/03/2014 17:48

DP and I met 3 years ago. Both our previous relationships broke down the year before that. It was a rebound thing for both of us in many ways but we did genuinely fall in love. We had 2 lovely years together during which time he was very clear that he was not going to tell his exW about me because he didn't want to hurt her or their adult children. His decision to leave - nobody else involved but he felt incredibly guilty and said that he wanted her to meet someone else before he introduced anyone to them. I accepted this and it suited me at the time as I didn't want that level of involvement. He and his ex remain on extremely good terms and he loves her as a friend. His family mean the world to him.

DP and I parted a year ago but remained in touch. We dated other people but since Xmas we have been considering getting back together. We never stopped loving each other. We both said that this time round his family must know because we are now considering a future together. He actually raised this before I did. I was adamant that I must not be a secret. He said he couldn't lie to his family any more. We were absolutely on the same page about that part. He has said all along that he would only ever introduce a partner to his family if he intended the relationship to be permanent.

We were discussing how to do this and all the other practicalities of being together properly when his exW was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. Their children are devastated. Everyone is devastated. Hopefully, she will make a full recovery but that could be many months away. Now is not the time to introduce me to his family. But realistically I'm not sure if I can last indefinitely in this sidelined position. I'm not sure our relationship will last under that sort of pressure. DP has promised to help his ex in any way he can and I admire him for doing that. I know that he wouldn't think twice about mopping up sick or comforting her if she's upset because he's that sort of person. If she asked him to stay over to help her he would. That's one of the reasons I love him. He's a good man.

I've told him that I'm finding it hard and he's trying to reassure me. I feel such a bitch because I'm hardly battling for my life like she is.

I don't want to leave him. I love him and I want to be there for him. He is very frightened for his ex and also his children and trying to put on a brave face for them, rallying everyone round and trying to make sure his ex always has company etc. He only has me to open up to because everyone else is floundering whereas I'm removed from the situation. It's not a burden because I love him but it is very stressful.

I definitely don't want to meet his family right now. It would be too much for everyone involved, including me. His children would see me as a stranger intruding into their lives at a very difficult time. His ex might feel she couldn't ask him for help when she needed it, to say nothing of all the other possible dynamics as she considers her own mortality. She doesn't want to hear that her ex is planning a happy new life with someone when she doesn't even know if she'll be alive this time next year. I don't want to add to anyone's sadness.

I feel so selfish to even think that I've got a problem when she is battling cancer. And I'll feel even worse if I walk away now. I can't walk away. I told him today that he could end it before it goes any further if he felt it was the right thing to do. I think he could do that just on the basis of letting me go to be happy with someone else. He is that selfless. But I don't want anyone else.

We are being very very honest with each other and talking loads. We go to bed wrapped round each other every night but every morning I wake up full of doubts and sadness. I don't know what to do for the best.

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Isetan · 02/03/2014 03:23

I won't speculate on any kind of double life scenario but people who lie/ deceive on this level do so for purely for selfish reasons. He is perpetuating a myth about himself; the divorced dad who hasn't found love after splitting with his best friend (I mean who could ever compete or replace the Ex wife, mother to his children). This deception is for his benefit and is disrespectful to his Ex, his children and you. I'll give him this, he's good, he has spun it so he appears noble and caring.

The thing about lies and deceptions are the longer they last the bigger they get and invariably lead to other lies. Seriously, what is his plan? If he finally introduces you, will he act like you two just met? He has made you complicit in his lie and before even meeting you he has muddied the waters for any future relationship with his children.

Personally, rather than demand that he tell everyone of your existence, I would walk away. Someone who could lie and decieve people he professes to love and care about so easily, demonstrates a lack of honesty that most probably impacts on other areas of his and therefore your life.

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PonytailStyle · 02/03/2014 05:46

Awake and reading your responses. Everything is going round my head.

It was a positive discussion. He wasn't defensive at all. On the contrary, he acknowledged my feelings and agreed it was unfair on me and damaging to the relationship to keep me a secret any longer.

But those are just words. I'll see what his actions are.

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PonytailStyle · 02/03/2014 06:02

My overriding gut feeling is that he lied to me about the break up of his marriage. I think she ended it and he never got to grips with that. I'm not sure what difference that makes to the situation now. Probably none at all. But it illustrates that he has deceived me. The discussion will continue today.

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NatashaBee · 02/03/2014 06:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 06:43

I think you need to get clear in your own head where you draw the line. It sounds to me that this time around it's important to you that the relationship is public knowledge. But what if he refuses to tell people?

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Isetan · 02/03/2014 07:43

If you suspect that he has lied about the real circumstances behind his divorce then his lies have a more sinister complextion. His closeness to his Ex wife looks a lot different if she did the dumping. Lying as a convenient way to maintain their closeness without arousing your suspicions is a deliberate deception.

Given your past relationship history with this man, why on earth do you want to continue a relationship with someone who habitually lies?

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Superworm · 02/03/2014 08:27

If he has lied about his marriage breakdown that would be a big red flag for me. Especially as it's gone on for years. It tells you a lot about his character and ability to manipulate the truth. Not just with you, his ex and children too.

FWIW a relative was diagnosed with cancer and her ex pretty much moved back in throughout treatment. They had been separated for 15 years and the ex was in a relationship. It was very touching and the new partner was fine with it. There was honestly from the outset and everyone felt comfortable. When she made a recovery things went back to normal. I think this is quite unusual though.

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Horsemad · 02/03/2014 08:32

Have you met his parents, siblings and friends?

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2rebecca · 02/03/2014 08:39

I don't see what his ex's cancer diagnosis has to do with anything.
If they are divorced then they should be expecting each other to get new partners. If he ended itand she's still wanting to get back together then he is being really mean to her by not telling her he's met someone else and going round her house all the time (did you say he still stayed at her house alot?) if he ended it then I'm not sure what the big deal with telling her he has a girlfriend is as he's already told her he doesn't want to be married any more and has left her, a new girlfriend is a minor hassle after that blow.
I'm not clear who the "his family" are that yopu haven't met, his parents, his sibs, his adult kids?
I wouldn't be bothered about meeting people but I would be bothered about his lying and why he has felt the need to lie all these years. His adult kids might not want to meet you at the moment but they should know you exist.
He and his wife haven't really separated if he still cares about her and her feelings more than anyone else. They're just marriedf people who no longer live together.
If she has adult kids why aren't they looking after her along with her family?
I don't get why he didn't tell people about you when he met you.
I couldn't be bothered with a bloke who couldn't be straightforward about his feelings and who was still that intertwined in the life of his ex.
Yes divorced people co-operate for the sake of the children but it isn't one of the children who has cancer and who he's tiptoeing around, it's his ex.

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JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/03/2014 08:42

I imagine he has sworn to his ex wife (and kids), "don't worry darling were in this together, I'll be with you every step of the way etc etc" and therefore feels a bit sheepish about adding, "I'm just off to the cinema with ponytail..."

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2rebecca · 02/03/2014 08:52

I also don't think he is being fair to his adult children in not telling them about you.
I could have understood him not wanting you to meet his kids when the relationship started if they were young, but adult children should be able to hear that their divorced father is in a relationship and understand that that relationship is not guarenteed to be any more permanent than any other including their parents marriage. My dad told us when he was in a relationship, it's now finished. I never met the woman as I live several hours away but I was pleased my dad could tell me there was someone special in his life.
Won't his "family" find it odd to dicover he has been keeping you a secret for years?
It doesn't make sense, he just sounds rather cowardly.
If his exwife wanted the divorce why would she want him fussing round her all the time when she has adult children and presumably her own extended family?

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HerdyHerdwick · 02/03/2014 08:53

As others have mentioned, this thread is so similar to another from quite some time ago, although in that case there was some work connection between the guy, his current girlfriend who was the OP, and his ex.
I can't remember how it turned out in the end but much of the advice on it was the same as here.

I was just about to post along similar lines to 2rebecca's post.
And just want to add that IMO, anyone who wants to keep a new partner hidden for fear of 'upsetting' their ex, there's something wrong there right from the start. In this case OP, because you were fine with it for your own reasons, it probably didn't flag up in the same way for you.
The timing of this makes me very suspicious too.

There's more to this than meets the eye. Sorry OP.

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livingzuid · 02/03/2014 08:58

We found out about my dad's hidden family when I was 22. I had two younger brothers aged six and eight and had no idea they existed. It was devastating. Whilst that's obviously extreme and you don't have kids together!, I'd be very suspicious of a man who wasn't open with his adult kids. The hurt that can cause in the long run to the children is great and it's not as if you consider yourself a bit on the side here, unworthy of mention to his family.

I'd imagine the news dad was seeing someone is insignificant to focusing on making sure their mum recovers.

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AramintaDeWinter · 02/03/2014 08:59

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

intheround · 02/03/2014 09:07

He's never got over his wife. That's the long and short of it.
He's told you that the quality and nature of your relationship depends on HER test results? He's giving you a clear message about about his priorities .

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/03/2014 09:23

The more this goes on, I would be wondering what happened when you split for a year. Did he try and get back with her? This isn't fair on you.

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namerchangering · 02/03/2014 09:27

Sorry if someone has suggested this up thread, but being a deeply cynical old bugger I suspect he wants to keep you apart for some reason and I don't think its cos he will hurt his wife kids etc, surely they've already been hurt by the divorce. maybe it's that you would find some things out that he doesn't want you too. It might be minor stuff or it might be major - how long are you prepared to wait to find out?

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Mollydoggerson · 02/03/2014 09:35

The new, open, secure relationship has only been going on 2 months and in that time frame his ex long term partner was diagnosed and received cancer treatment.

It appears to me it is delicate situation where his love life comes second. I think it is appropriate for him to let his family know that he is seeing someone but also for him to prioritise his fathering role, at the moment.

God Forbid, if the ex-wife died, would you go to the funeral? If so, then that surely answers the question as to whether he should let people know you exist.

I think he wants to appear selfless, at the moment his actions and words do not match up. He needs to be sincere about his actions, there is nothing to hide. He can delicately mention you, while still maintaining loyalty to his family and providing support to his ex-wife.

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2rebecca · 02/03/2014 09:41

I'm not sure that whether or not the OP would go to the funeral is relevant here. If my ex died his parents wouldn't want my husband at the funeral (and I'm not sure how they'd feel about me going, my ex and I get on better than me and his parents). Everyone still knows that my husband exists though and did from the time we got together.
Sometimes people don't like hearing the truth, that doesn't mean that you don't tell them it though.

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PonytailStyle · 02/03/2014 10:30

Right, he's just left and I'm still trying to work my way through this muddle in my head. I have listened to what he said and asked lots of questions. I've read what's on here and I will read the thread from start to finish again.

The first time we were together was for just under 2 years, probably about 20 months. I can't remember exactly. I'm not one for anniversaries and I was in turmoil recovering from a very very messy break up with my exP of 15 years. I was devastated and I definitely fell for new DP on the rebound. I didn't think the relationship would last and saw no reason to push to meet his family. He had split from his wife at the same time and was adjusting to life as a single man. We were both lonely. We had an absolute blast together. Weekends away, lots of fun things, lots of lovely times. We were smitten with each other. It was all I wanted at that time. I didn't want to live with anyone or commit to anyone. I was very hurt by my exP who had been having an affair with a family friend for 2 years right under my nose. Suddenly I was faced with a lovely man who wanted to spoil me and sweep me off my feet. Perhaps rather selfishly, I just wanted this new relationship for myself, something just for me again. It suited me not to meet his family. It was part of the attraction actually. I know that might sound odd. At the same time my exP of 15 years was being an absolute shit and trying his hardest to make my life hell. We had a lot of unfinished financial matters to resolve so again it suited me to compartmentalise my new relationship. This new DP was an escape for me. It was like an extended fling in some ways. I'm explaining this because I want to make it clear that I never put him under any pressure to tell his family he was seeing someone. To be honest, I think it would have struck the fear of god into me. I was incredibly raw at the time. I wasn't really ready for a relationship.

So we had a year apart. We dated other people. But we always kept in touch and occasionally met up. Around Xmas time we started to see more of each other and without realising it we sort of slipped back into being a couple again. He would come round or we would go out and end up spending the night together (but no sex at this point). About a month ago we both started saying, what is this, what are we doing? And we both agreed that if we were to be a couple again then it would have to be out in the open this time and I would be fully involved with his whole life. He explained that he didn't want to do that if I wasn't committed to him and that he wanted to be as sure as possible about me. So we were just in the process of deciding whether to try and make a proper go of it when his ex got her diagnosis.

I know that none of this explains why he didn't want to tell his family about me the first time round and that is what I still need to work out for myself. I asked him again last night and this morning about how his marriage broke up and why he didn't want his ex or his children to know he was seeing anyone. He said that the look on his children's faces devastated him when they were told their parents were separating and he vowed never to add to that pain. He felt responsible for that hurt and he believes that his children will respect him more for making sure his ex is ok before he moves on. So yes, if that is the truth, he is very conscious of what people think of him and he wants to be seen as doing what he thinks is the right thing. He wants to be seen as the good guy and perhaps he does want to feel he is indispensable.

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Mollydoggerson · 02/03/2014 10:37

He needs to grow up, he is either prepared to live a celibate life so as not to upset his kids (???????), or else be honest about his fair and reasonable actions. He seems to be playing the martyr.

Do u want to be the secret bit on the side of a martyr/hypocrite. His relationship with you is not wrong, the way he is going about all of this is wrong. Judge him on his actions not his words, he is lacking integrity.

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JeanSeberg · 02/03/2014 10:39

You've got your answer then - he's told you (again) that he won't be telling them.

So what will you do next?

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PonytailStyle · 02/03/2014 10:46

Perhaps I should add that his daughters were aged between 16 and 20 when we met. The youngest live with their mum but go to uni. The eldest is now a single mum to a dd herself and spends a lot of time at her mothers house. DP visits the girls at his exW house - it's the place where they all gravitate to - and there is a lot of support for the eldest dd with child care as she works full time shifts. So DP sometimes collects his granddaughter or drops her off at exW house at odd times. He's a very hands on grandad.

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PonytailStyle · 02/03/2014 10:49

What will I do?
I told him last night that our relationship will not take the strain of being kept secret. If he can't tell his family that he is seeing someone then it probably won't be going any further.

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livingzuid · 02/03/2014 10:52

Just what molly said. Maybe it's the curse of the parent to always see your children as children and not grown ups. They are old enough to know and deal with it. He deserves a life too. Telling them about a divorce is one thing, the fact he has a girlfriend four years later very different. I still see the cancer thing as a red herring. Still putting his ex ahead of you.

The telling is not some huge drama. Just a short sentence, no debate or discussion, it is his private life.

It's what you are comfortable with at the end of the day. This could drag on for years.

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