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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argh! I am reading him wrong?!

425 replies

outtathefryingpan · 01/03/2014 10:22

Background: out of a long term relationship late last year, for at least the last 3 year that had become unhealthy and was manipulative and a bit controlling. Took a lot for me to realise and get the courage to leave. I'm worried this is now clouding my judgement on other situations so would like your views...

Started sleeping with a friend at beginning of Jan, (known them 2years), make it VERY clear I was not in the right place for a relationship right now and I wanted to spend sometime been single and working out who I was and getting my life into some sort of order... nice to get some positive attention though and I enjoy his company. Thought it would work okay as he's a single parent will full custody so has other things in his life to keep him busy. I have not committed to see him on any frequency, he knows this and agrees with it. I agreed I wouldn't date other people (Not a problem, I don't want to ATM!)

Last few weeks I feel likes he's constantly picking up on my behaviour regarding how quickly I reply to his text messages. I think he constantly mentions it if I don't reply immediately to his text he says he doesn't . I think he has a problem if I see my friends and not him (He doesn't say this directly but negatively comments on it). I called him on this and he's went off on one... its all me apparently. So either way I probably need to let this go, but for my own sanity, do you think I was out of order / wrong about him?

He says its rude and ignorant of me to not reply quickly and in detail. These are from yesterday...
"Some things not right, you haven't reply to my messages, do you think this is worth it" (I had been replying at 15 minute intervals?)
"Did my messages come through?" (He had sent 5 messages, I had last messaged less then an hour previously. I was at work) 10 minutes later
"My messages obviously aren't coming though" (He knows I cant reply at work!)
He'll send v long messages, and lots of them back to back, if I don't reply within 10 mins I get "nevermind" When I do reply I have to mention every point in his previous x messages...

Regarding this weekend, I am seeing a friend tomorrow. I'm not well (just a cold) so wanted to stop in last night, I went to bed at 9. I could have seen him today but haven't arranged anything as I feel hes been negatively mentioning me seeing my friend tomorrow. These are just a sample from yesterdays messages as he feels hard done by that I made plans for one day:
"Already your too busy off with other peeps again"
"...clearly you prefer to do something else instead" (rather then see him)
"You just seem to make yourself busy with others"
"We both know you'd rather be doing other things"

This is a small sample. He never makes plans to see me. I always have to suggest meeting. I always go to his.

OP posts:
GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 04/03/2014 20:06

Glad you phoned them OP.
This is a really frightening thread. They're sending someone round because they believe you are in danger. I agree with them.
You have handled this all brilliantly but please let the police deal with this man. He is dangerous.

Keep us posted if you can.

AgathaF · 04/03/2014 20:17

Well done. You've done the right thing.

pictish · 04/03/2014 20:42

Another to add to the pats on the back. I know it must have been difficult for you to make that call, but believe me, it was warranted.
He was not taking no for an answer, and was escalating...his sense of entitlement is so pronounced that he thought he had the right to a relationship with you, and felt you deserved to be harangued and punished for not giving him his due. You could not have stopped that on your own by talking to him reasonably, because he is not a reasonable person.

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 04/03/2014 21:52

Pleased its on record. At least if anyone else has trouble with him in future its documented thats hes a twat.

OP posts:
Katisha · 04/03/2014 22:14

Do they talk to him now?

likeneverbefore · 04/03/2014 22:36

Glad the police are taking it seriously.

If it's more than one incident (which it is) it amounts to him pursuing a course of conduct which amounted to harassment.

That's more than just something the police can log, it's a crime that can (and should) be recorded and investigated.

Don't engage with him again - you asked him to back off, he didn't and instead committed an offence. Let the police deal with it now.

(and well done)

LoisPuddingLane · 04/03/2014 22:50

Yes, well done.

nauticant · 05/03/2014 10:23

Well done OP. Although things have moved on, I wanted to comment on you writing The messages are going in a spam folder.

Depending on your email/messaging application, some spam folders auto-delete messages. It's better to keep them in a dedicated folder which won't delete them.

gamerchick · 05/03/2014 12:12

glad to hear it OP... he'll shit himself when he gets a visit.

I doubt you'll hear anything from him after that... usually it's just one word in the ear.

Fingers crossed.

TalisaMaegyr · 05/03/2014 18:27

What did the police say to you OP?

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 05/03/2014 20:57

Not seen them yet, they rang last night to say they were not going to get round then I missed a call off them today so guessing they'll try again tomorrow.

Today got flowers and chocolates at work. Few text messages. facebook message (which was good as I was able to block him from FB) and now voice mails (I've got a bar on calls from his number but it lets him leave messages apparently)

OP posts:
GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 05/03/2014 21:02

What has been the tone of his messages today?
I would seriously think about escalating your call with the police. They need to get round there as soon as possible. You need a restraining order- he seriously sounds dangerous.

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 05/03/2014 21:06

Today its (paraphrasing here):
why am I ignoring his messages
your not going to speak to me again are you (thought we had a break through there...)
Theres something going on isn't there (?? think he means I'm seeing someone else)
Why are you ignoring my messages
Are you okay
tell me you're okay
Why have you blocked me on facebook

Oh, just got an email. Not even sure how he has my email address!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/03/2014 21:09

This is definitely harassment OP. He has admitted knowing that you have blocked him and that you don't want to speak to him. Call the 101 number again and tell them that all this has happened since you last spoke to them. Hopefully they will get out to you tonight.

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 05/03/2014 21:11

Its really hard not to reply.

I just want to say to him to stop messaging me!!!!

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 05/03/2014 21:13

Update Police. He is committing a lot of time to this. Quite scary.

Fairenuff · 05/03/2014 21:13

No, don't reply, call the 101 number instead.

Remember, last time you replied, it did nothing. It doesn't stop people like this, it encourages them.

Hang on OP, it will soon be over.

Fairenuff · 05/03/2014 21:16

a course of action which the perpetrator "knows or ought to know amounts to harassment" is sufficient by itself to constitute an offence (s2) under the Prevention of Harassment Act 1997. It's both a civil tort and a crime

This was posted on another thread OP and I'm sure the poster won't mind me putting it here if it is helpful to you. You have done nothing wrong, he is committing a crime. Let the police deal with it. They are extremely experienced and will have done this loads of times.

Don't forget, he may already be known to them.

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 05/03/2014 21:16

I know, I'm not going to reply as it puts me back at square one, buts hes making out he doesn't know why I'm blocking / ignoring. You start to doubt yourself and think, well maybe I didn't make myself clear... maybe he misunderstood.

I know its just a ploy to get me to engage.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 05/03/2014 21:26

How could he possibly not know! The most brainless person on earth would get the message! No, he wants to wear you down.

As you said yourself, who knows what he will do to some other unsuspecting woman in the future if he's allowed to get away with this. Contact the police again.

Dirtybadger · 05/03/2014 21:41

The law does expressly state that the test of whether an offence has been committed is objective; whether a reasonable person ought to realise they were harassing...not whether this numpty does. Although he clearly does/ought to.

GarlicMarchHare · 05/03/2014 21:47

That's why this board advises sending one clear message to stop contact, preferably with the addition that you will consider any further contact harassment & report to the police.

Once you've said "Do not contact me again" - and not replied to anything further - no fool could get away with saying they didn't know!

LurcioLovesFrankie · 05/03/2014 22:47

You should ring 101 and update them on the continuing harrassment. He's not going to go away on his own - you need to get the police involved.

livingzuid · 06/03/2014 01:54

God op read through this and it's creeped me out even before it got to the worrying levels of harrasment. He's stalking you and has a history of violence. He got hold of your email address how?! So glad the police are involved and hope you have seen an officer today.

Every time you doubt yourself or doubt whether you were clear please re-read this thread to remind yourself. It's a deliberate ploy on his part to keep you off balance. Don't be fooled and do not engage with him.

How are you today?

bibliomania · 06/03/2014 10:23

If nothing else, his continuing actions vindicate your decision to go to the police.

He's not acting normally, so your responses are not bound by the "normal" rules. Of course you doubt yourself and want to be kind and fair, but your normal reaction is not appropriate here.

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