Argh! I am reading him wrong?!

[outtathefryingpan]

Background: out of a long term relationship late last year, for at least the last 3 year that had become unhealthy and was manipulative and a bit controlling. Took a lot for me to realise and get the courage to leave. I'm worried this is now clouding my judgement on other situations so would like your views...

Started sleeping with a friend at beginning of Jan, (known them 2years), make it VERY clear I was not in the right place for a relationship right now and I wanted to spend sometime been single and working out who I was and getting my life into some sort of order... nice to get some positive attention though and I enjoy his company. Thought it would work okay as he's a single parent will full custody so has other things in his life to keep him busy. I have not committed to see him on any frequency, he knows this and agrees with it. I agreed I wouldn't date other people (Not a problem, I don't want to ATM!)

Last few weeks I feel likes he's constantly picking up on my behaviour regarding how quickly I reply to his text messages. I think he constantly mentions it if I don't reply immediately to his text he says he doesn't . I think he has a problem if I see my friends and not him (He doesn't say this directly but negatively comments on it). I called him on this and he's went off on one... its all me apparently. So either way I probably need to let this go, but for my own sanity, do you think I was out of order / wrong about him?

He says its rude and ignorant of me to not reply quickly and in detail. These are from yesterday...
"Some things not right, you haven't reply to my messages, do you think this is worth it" (I had been replying at 15 minute intervals?)
"Did my messages come through?" (He had sent 5 messages, I had last messaged less then an hour previously. I was at work) 10 minutes later
"My messages obviously aren't coming though" (He knows I cant reply at work!)
He'll send v long messages, and lots of them back to back, if I don't reply within 10 mins I get "nevermind" When I do reply I have to mention every point in his previous x messages...

Regarding this weekend, I am seeing a friend tomorrow. I'm not well (just a cold) so wanted to stop in last night, I went to bed at 9. I could have seen him today but haven't arranged anything as I feel hes been negatively mentioning me seeing my friend tomorrow. These are just a sample from yesterdays messages as he feels hard done by that I made plans for one day:
"Already your too busy off with other peeps again"
"...clearly you prefer to do something else instead" (rather then see him)
"You just seem to make yourself busy with others"
"We both know you'd rather be doing other things"

This is a small sample. He never makes plans to see me. I always have to suggest meeting. I always go to his.

[TheLastNameLeft]

Bleedin eck! Im so glad Im not single and looking anymore, just in case I had the misfortune to run into this one!

I hope you are ok outta, think this would put the wind up any of us posting here, you are handling yourself really well but do go back to the Police, please.

[Hissy]

Please call 101 now and get the police moving, you need to report EVERY contact so that there are logs of everything

[Katisha]

Have you not chased up the police?

[Katisha]

Have you not chased up the police?

[Fairenuff]

OP think about the message you are sending him.

You told him no contact and he broke that, so you got the police involved. Now he's broken it again and, this time, you have let it ride.

(I know you haven't really but that is what he will think). As far as he is concerned, he can keep contacting you until you crack. For him it's just a matter of finding your limit. How persistent does he need to be.

He will not stop.

You must get the police back onto him. Do it today. Did they give you a contact number? If not, ring 101 as Hissy said and get them to speak to him again.

Tomorrow, when he sends you another message, get straight back on to the police. They will get fed up with him far quicker than you will. He is wasting their time and resources.

Don't let it drag on even one more day. That just reinforces in his mind that 'you don't really mind' him contacting you, or even 'you quite like it really' and 'will come round eventually'. This man does not think like you.

Phone the police now.

[LottieJenkins]

If it was me I would be ringing 101 after every message and every voicemail so the police could see how often it happened. The fact that he used his child's phone shows how desperate he is! He sounds seriously unhinged to me!!

[outtathefryingpan]

I have chased using number for local station but the officer assigned is never in so I get told they will call me back (and they don't). They always ask if the messages have become threatening again, which they haven't so I'm guessing that's why there is lack of follow up. I will go in in person when I'm back home.

Friends ex police husband has also advised not to get him taken in as in his experience that's what triggers it to get violent as they want to get their own back.

I'm so tempted just to send one message saying to Fuck off and why. I know it will make it tones worse but it's so frustrating

[outtathefryingpan]

If I phone 101 the call just gets passed to the local switch board so don't think that would make a difference.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

OP definitely get yourself down to the police station on your way home and show them all the messages that you have received from him since he was specifically told by the police not to contact you?

They won't be able to help or do anything if they don't know about what he's doing: I totally get how frustrating it must be ringing them and not getting through but you do need to not let it slide because as Fairenuff so rightly says, he is not going to give up - in his head, you don't really "mean" it, he just needs to persuade you to contact him again, in his mind he thinks he can achieve that.

Also, I know it must so tempting to tell contact him "once" to say fuck off, but that is not going to stop him - in his mind this will be a success, because you're talking to him again right? So again, all he needs to do after that is to keep on contacting you again, eventually he'll win you round, surely ....

[PurpleRayne]

The ex-policemans advice stinks, and is dangerous.
www.nss.org.uk/ ring them.

[Hissy]

When was this ex policeman a policeman? 1974?

Kick up a stink with the police station, 101 helped me get rid of a cling on.

[Fairenuff]

The ex policeman is talking bollocks. Don't report a stalker because he might get violent? Terrible advice.

OP I know it's taking all your willpower to restrain yourself from replying but you are right, it would be the absolutely worst thing to do. Ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

Keep on at the police. If the officer hasn't been in touch within 24 hours, ring back.

Has he been in touch with your ex again do you know?

[eddielizzard]

i think that ex-policeman's advice is basically appeasement. appeasement = feeding a lion other meat so he eats you last.

please go to station and show them he is still harassing you. he has got to take you seriously. if he does escalate, you have already got the police involved. you are not a sitting duck. you have choices and power to make this stop.

[Qix]

"Don't get him taken in?" I would say it is up to the police dealing with the matter to make that decision.

[wannabestressfree]

Any news at all? Wondered how you are op

[Fairenuff]

Are you ok OP? Are you back yet from your trip away? How did it go with the police? Sorry for all the questions, just checking up on you to make sure you're alright. I have a feeling that the ex policeman might have scared you off?

[outtathefryingpan]

Morning all,

Still nothing from the police, I have changed all my phone numbers now and have emailed them to update contact details.

However, since changing my numbers I have received 3 emails from him (on Tuesday) but nothing since :) Well obviously as he doesn't have my number! I don't remember giving him my email address so wonder if he has found it but isn't 100% sure its mine?

Cant say how nice it is, I'm so much more relaxed

[scornedwoman67]

Morning outta

I've been lurking on your thread but didn't have any advice as I haven't experienced anything like this. I am so pleased you are feeling more relaxed. Just spam his emails. He won't know you've even read them x

[MrsIrony]

Wow I've been reading this. He is a persistent bugger isn't he. As for the emails. I went into my email account on the providers email part and took his email and went to a section that says "put all emails from this address into ?". I chose into trash. I never see anything from my X at all. He's blocked on my Iphone (I uploaded the later software for this function) and I changed my landline number and he doesn't have that number. It's pure bliss being completely unaware whether they've tried to contact you or not.
That's the point. Whether they try and contact you or not is irrelevant possibly. It's when you are aware of that contact that it can be upsetting and wearing.

Poor show on the police's part. This would be a classic example if he were to show up and do something bad they would be held to account wouldn't they, but it would be too late by then. But he sounds a bit too lazy to make any real physical effort to track you down or hound you. It's easy to sit hunched over the phone or laptop pestering the life out of somebody. A bit more effort to actually get of your arse and go and pester them in real life, which considering you always went to his place, suggests he is not going to make that much effort really.

Good luck with it all.

[Fairenuff]

The only thing I would say, OP, is that if you let this drop, without getting the police to talk to him again, it will just reinforce everything in his mind about him being 'right'. The police should never have spoken to him in the first place, it was a big fuss over nothing, you didn't really mind him contacting you, you're just playing hard to get, etc.

This is the way that he thinks and even if he leaves you alone he will go on to do it another woman. Maybe one not so strong as you, or who doesn't have the army of mn behind her. However, it's more likely that he will still try to get through to you.

Please go back to the police and kick up an almighty stink. They have let you down and put you and other women at risk in the future.

[LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot]

I just read this entire thread, and Im actually gobsmacked at how this guy has escalated.

Do not drop this with the police, what he's doing is illegal and its their bloody job to protect you.

The worst thing of all, this man has full custody of a DD, and has used her phone to contact you. Its chilling to say the least.

[FairPhyllis]

OP, I've read the whole thread and with guys like this, you have to hit them hard and fast with police action to get them to stop. Keep on at the police until he stops this.

You could also contact one of the organisations that help victims of stalking for support.

[Dirtybadger]

Very disappointed with the Police. You seem a very strong woman. Many women (probably including me) wouldn't be so strong. They are really letting you down. Obviously I live in a different area but I've never had to wait more than a couple of days for a visit. And I don't live in a quiet constabulary. And the offences I've reported have never been as serious/urgent as this (thefts, car break ins etc). Ridiculous.

Glad he's (or appears to have) hushed up a bit.

[RedRoom]

My god. I've just read the whole thread. His persistence is staggering: he clearly has no self awareness or he'd know that the more he contacts you, the more pathetic, obsessive, sad and deluded he is coming across. Good on you for changing your number. He can be blocked on email too, so there should soon be no way for him to contact you at all. He definitely needs another visit from the police. I do wonder what he has done in his past, based on the snippets of insights he has given to you.

[PlumpPartridge]

Hello op, I was just wondering how things are going. I hope he's either backed off or that you have successfully cut off all means of contact (preferably both).