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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argh! I am reading him wrong?!

425 replies

outtathefryingpan · 01/03/2014 10:22

Background: out of a long term relationship late last year, for at least the last 3 year that had become unhealthy and was manipulative and a bit controlling. Took a lot for me to realise and get the courage to leave. I'm worried this is now clouding my judgement on other situations so would like your views...

Started sleeping with a friend at beginning of Jan, (known them 2years), make it VERY clear I was not in the right place for a relationship right now and I wanted to spend sometime been single and working out who I was and getting my life into some sort of order... nice to get some positive attention though and I enjoy his company. Thought it would work okay as he's a single parent will full custody so has other things in his life to keep him busy. I have not committed to see him on any frequency, he knows this and agrees with it. I agreed I wouldn't date other people (Not a problem, I don't want to ATM!)

Last few weeks I feel likes he's constantly picking up on my behaviour regarding how quickly I reply to his text messages. I think he constantly mentions it if I don't reply immediately to his text he says he doesn't . I think he has a problem if I see my friends and not him (He doesn't say this directly but negatively comments on it). I called him on this and he's went off on one... its all me apparently. So either way I probably need to let this go, but for my own sanity, do you think I was out of order / wrong about him?

He says its rude and ignorant of me to not reply quickly and in detail. These are from yesterday...
"Some things not right, you haven't reply to my messages, do you think this is worth it" (I had been replying at 15 minute intervals?)
"Did my messages come through?" (He had sent 5 messages, I had last messaged less then an hour previously. I was at work) 10 minutes later
"My messages obviously aren't coming though" (He knows I cant reply at work!)
He'll send v long messages, and lots of them back to back, if I don't reply within 10 mins I get "nevermind" When I do reply I have to mention every point in his previous x messages...

Regarding this weekend, I am seeing a friend tomorrow. I'm not well (just a cold) so wanted to stop in last night, I went to bed at 9. I could have seen him today but haven't arranged anything as I feel hes been negatively mentioning me seeing my friend tomorrow. These are just a sample from yesterdays messages as he feels hard done by that I made plans for one day:
"Already your too busy off with other peeps again"
"...clearly you prefer to do something else instead" (rather then see him)
"You just seem to make yourself busy with others"
"We both know you'd rather be doing other things"

This is a small sample. He never makes plans to see me. I always have to suggest meeting. I always go to his.

OP posts:
GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 07/03/2014 11:31

Have you got a plan for how you would respond if he did come and see you before the police have dealt with him? I'm not sure what the best thing would be, but I don't think it would be to tell him exactly how you feel because I think you would be in danger.

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 07/03/2014 11:48

If he did show up I wouldn't open the door and would call the police. If he made a scene the neighbours would also call the police.

Not going to invite him in for a cup of tea that's for sure!

I don't think he would do that, it's just another ploy to make me call him. Beside he'll think I'm at work now so would have no reason to try the house.

OP posts:
GarlicMarchHare · 07/03/2014 12:19

Yes, but please tell the police straight away about the new threat.

tumbletumble · 07/03/2014 12:21

How are you feeling OP? You sound very rational but personally I'd be feeling really scared by now. This guy is horrible.

LoisPuddingLane · 07/03/2014 12:28

Are you not sensing that these are real threats, OP? You really, really need to report it. I don't know why you are not reporting it, actually. It's as if your are normalising it.

Whereisegg · 07/03/2014 12:29

Op, it might be logical to you that there would be bo point going to someone's house when they will be at work, but you cannot rely on this guy acting logically.

Nothing he has done since you saying 'it's over' has been logical/reasoned/sensible.

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 07/03/2014 12:30

Police coming at 1pm

TBH this time they sounded annoyed about coming out (they called me to see if they still needed to).

Feeling stressed out and anxious today. Was really drained by it all yesterday. Just want it to stop. This whole "i'll send you a phone in two weeks" is just another way of saying that hes not going away.

Still feel a bit bad to, keep thinking maybe I'm overreacting and he'll stop now... but hes contradicted himself soooo many times now and this clearly isn't rational behaviour is it?! Then again I've been out of the dating scene for so long now god knows what passes for normal! (Joke - I know this isn't normal and don't need a comparison to see that)

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 07/03/2014 12:35

You're not overreacting and it's not rational behaviour (his).

gamerchick · 07/03/2014 12:39

let them be annoyed.. all they have to do is go and have a strong word with him.

He's threatening you.. they need to sort that out.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/03/2014 12:44

I'm really sorry the police sounded unsupportive. Is there anyone you can have with you? You may have to be strong in emphasising how unsafe you feel.

I am worried for you too. Please don't minimise this, or let anyone else (including the police) minimise it either.

LoisPuddingLane · 07/03/2014 12:51

Have everything ready to show them when they come.

gamerchick · 07/03/2014 12:57

weeel it might be an alright thing if they're annoyed. They'll be extra sharp with him when they speak to him about it.

LoisPuddingLane · 07/03/2014 13:30

Let us know what they say. x

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 07/03/2014 13:32

Right they have been.

Going to pay him a visit as its harassment, they said they could bring him in because of the threat but I thought a warning would do. They offered to call him as well whilst they were here but I said I would rather not overhear that. They are ringing me later with an update.

Feel really stressed now, not sure if i've done the right thing. what if he would have stopped anyway, really don't know how I'm supposed to feel or react. Today isn't my most productive day that's for sure. Just want to forget all this

OP posts:
mummytime · 07/03/2014 13:34

Do not minimise this. Do not allow the police to minimise it either. Supporting and protecting you is exactly why I pay my taxes.

If they are not helpful you should complain to your MP (its the kind of thing they can be helpful over).

This man seems to be getting worse to me.

livingzuid · 07/03/2014 13:35

You have done the right thing. The guy is a psycho. It's Friday, nice glass of wine after work and relax. Let the police deal with people like this. His behaviour is very frightening.

Wine and Thanks

LoisPuddingLane · 07/03/2014 13:38

Of course you have done the right thing. If a mate of yours was receiving messages like this, what would you advise her? Exactly. You've done the right thing. He might have stopped, or he might have escalated to actual violence - it really wasn't worth taking that chance.

pictish · 07/03/2014 13:42

This whole "i'll send you a phone in two weeks" is just another way of saying that hes not going away.

Absolutely OP. He is telling you exactly how much respect he has for your desire not to be hounded, and that is nil. He's saying "I will persist for as long as I like, and I will even trivialise it - fuck you".

Sp glad the cips are going round there. That ought to frighten him into backing off.
Did you feel they were taking you seriously? I hope so. x

pictish · 07/03/2014 13:43

cips? cops obv.

ArsePaste · 07/03/2014 13:47

You have ABSOLUTELY done the right thing, well done. Do not let anyone else - especially the police - minimise your experience. It sounds horrifying, and scary, and dreadful, even from here, and we're not even involved in it! Please be gentle with yourself, you're in a difficult position, but hopefully it'll be better after the police have spoken to him.

LoisPuddingLane · 07/03/2014 13:51

Did they say anything about getting one of those - what do you call it? When you stop people coming near you?

Original poster
outtathefryingpan · 07/03/2014 13:55

Thank you

No, they (police) didn't minimise, said it was obsessive and when you see how things like this can escalate (like they do) its better to go and have a word and scare him off sooner rather then later. They said he wasn't going to like them very much once they had been round so assuming its a stern warning. He'll not be allowed to contact me for 12months by any means.

They said he would probably keep at it until he found someone else to move on to. They were going to look to see what they had on him already too. I remembered when I had started to distance myself initially he had began telling me about his past and that he "wasn't a nice person" and he and his mates would beat up people who had wronged them... Didn't think it at the time but its subtle warning not to do something to piss him off as look what hes capable of.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 07/03/2014 14:01

Bloody hell! There is a piece of wisdom I often see written here - when someone tells you who they are, listen to them.

pictish · 07/03/2014 14:05

Quite. You can accurately get the measure of a person by the personal stories they tell, as that is how they want to define themselves. You are right to consider his seemingly tall tales were designed to subtly let you know what he can and will do, and how he thinks. I have no doubt there was an element of boastfulness in the telling too - so you are aware of not only what he is capable of, but also what he aspires to...what he thinks makes him impressive.

There is a saying often pedalled out on MN...
"When someone tells you who they are, believe them."

bibliomania · 07/03/2014 14:09

Oh well done. I'm glad he'll be warned not to contact you for 12 months. He may try to test the boundaries on this, eg. text you something that's quite innocent on the face of it. As soon as he tests the boundaries, tell the police again because otherwise it'll just get worse.

Glad the police took it seriously. It's better for everyone for this to be stopped as early as possible.