I do have a favourite. And I feel sick about it.

[MyFirstName]

Following from a thread earlier (I have namechanged for this)..I read the thread and almost everyone said they loved their children equally.

Well I don't think I do. I kiss or hug my DS (5yo) and these huge waves of love engulf me. I would do anything for him. I bonded with him from birth.

My DD (7yo) in my head she is amazing, wonderful, clever. A pain sometimes. But totally worthy and deserving of soooo much love. But no wave of it engulfing me. I can find her very irritating.

It must affect how I deal with them (I know I am harder on her).

And the worst thing? I experienced favouritism as I was growing up. I was the golden child as far as my DM was concerned. Recently my DSis (we are close) has started to get some counselling to deal with her relationship with our parents and her self esteem issues.

The thread this evening really just slammed it right in my fucking head. I could not say "Yes I love my children equally". How fucking awful is that? There are potentially so many "reasons". Multiple miscarriages before we had her - I know I never truly felt I would have a baby in my arms until she finally arrived...and then crushing PND followed. My relationship with parents...who knows. But I have to, have to, have to fix it. She deserves so much more. They both do. And actually, fuck it so do I.

Anyway. Not quite sure why I am writing this. Am in tears. But DH is out. My best friend is going through a major relationship crisis so cannot call her and I think it would be crass of me to call my sister. So I needed to tell, to confess. To acknowledge I am fucking repeating history. Fuck.

Before doing this post though I have spent the last hour researching local counselling services and emailed one.

I need to deal with this. I am going to deal with this.

Please be gentle with me. Is there anyone who has been through this and got out the other end? Surely I cannot be the only totally crap one. Fuck.

Sorry is so long.

This is a thought provoking thread. I don't have a favourite child but I spend a lot of time with my daughter as she's still a baby. My ds is brilliant but his behaviour recently has been very trying due to a number of reasons and he probably gets neglected a bit due to the fact that the baby has lots of needs.
I tried recently to make sure I told him I loved him and how amazing I think he is as it's easy to forget to due to the daily grind. The poor bugger has been shouted at a lot recently due to his behaviour so I'm trying to praise the good stuff. I also had some qt with him without the baby this weekend that was great. I think whether you have a favourite or not sometimes we all forget to tell our kids how brilliant they are and how much they are loved and cuddle and touch them. We should all give it a go maybe. Good luck op, sounds like you're doing great x

The only way to definitely avoid having a favourite is to only have one.

Seriously, I get what you mean. I have two boys and routinely coo and fuss over DS2 (2yo) but don't have that feeling anywhere near as much with DS1 (3yo). I try to make up for it by creating an artificial fuss over him and tickling and giggling with him as much as I do with his brother.

He has responded well to it - initially a bit , then he seemed to love the attention. That made me happy to see him happy and so I did it more and it's a bit of a positive spiral, really. I still don't have the love wave but I think he feels loved, which is the important thing.

It's more important that he feels loved than that I feel loving. Ideally you'd have both, but it isn't always the case.

I have RTFT now

op I am so impressed at how well you're doing. You should feel very proud.

I needed this thread. it definitely explains why I have been the way I have been, especially my relationship with DS.

From this day forward, I am going to make an effort.

Bookmarking for later.

I have just been looking for another thread of mine and found this. Wow. Another 4/5 months on.

Can I confess I have not been brilliant using all of my toolbox, though it was very useful and interesting to have just re-read them.

I have however just come downstairs from the biggest cuddle with DD.

I would never like to say I am "fixed" from the horrible place and from how I was feeling back in February. In many ways I think it will be a journey I will be on for many years - if not all my life.

But my relationship with DD (and DS, DH and my parents) is just so, so much better. My anxiety levels are much better. I can often pre-empt a situation which will cause me anxiety - and then try and work out a)Can I get over/ignore the anxiety - if it pointless anxiety - can I let it go. b) If it is something that I can not let go for whatever reason how can I (with DH help if necessary) mitigate it. Knowing the name for what I am feeling, why I am feeling it really, really helps work out how to reduce it.

I am still a bit keen on control - but I am also much better at relaxing, letting more stuff go and letting others control stuff.

My self esteem is better. Needs work but I am in a better place than I have been for years.

I am happier, more relaxed and less anxious than I have been for about 10 years. And it is a wonderful place to be.

I still shout, I am not perfect, I get het about silly things sometimes but meh...I am human.

And really, truly all of the positive changes have come about by tackling th

pants....tackling the stuff from my past and seeking out counselling.

So the reason I have posted is just to say to anyone who has a similar issue, or has previously read this and not maybe taken that step, then do it. Whether privately or through your GP if you have had previous niggles in your mind that maybe counselling would help, then try it.

It has turned my life around.

Without a doubt this has impacted hugely, enormously and totally on the lives of my children.

I feel I have started, successfully to break the cycle from my mother. I thought it was impossible. It is not.

I am looking at a future where I can hope my amazing DD will not be seeking out the stately homes thread when she was an adult. Back in February I would have pretty much said it was a given she would end up there - needing some kind of support as I was repeating my mothers mistakes.

Hi op

You mention that you had many losses before you had your dd, I wonder if you became slightly detached and held back just in case of another loss, so as an extension you have unconsciously not fully accepted she is really here?

Another huge step you have already made is your utter self awareness around your feelings. With respect you have already started your journey as far as counselling is concerned, part of that journey is actually wanting to be there and willingness to engage.

No one will judge you, it is the one space you can really say it as it is with no restraints and no fear of judgement.

Your only judgement will be those from yourself, and this is what the therapist will be able to explore with you

I wish my mum had Mumsnet to read when I was a child. She never bonded with me nor did I with her. She needed help not my criticism over the years for her lack of 'love' for me.

Well done Op for a remarkable journey.

I'm so glad you updated. I missed this first time around. !

It doesn't sound to me you love one more at all. Your actions speak volumes and although you get more joy and loving feelings from your youngest you feel the need to do anything to love Them equally. Love isn't just a feeling, it's that innate need to protect, nurture a abs give all you can to make somebody happy. I haven't had time to read this entire thread but please don't be too harsh on yourself. I doubt many parents gush over their grown up children like a mother would over a small child. I love my children in different ways, my youngest is my baby so I do get more lovey feelings but that innate longing to protect and make my children as happy abs possible is what I equate as love. I know either one of them could never do anything to make me stop caring and I know I care about them fiercely and equally. Society and the media tends to sell us the story that love is a feeling, so we search for a deep strong feelings and often this results in many women thinking they don't love their child whenever they don't experience the joy. A small child is more cuddly so at times you are bound to feel more feel good love. Just like the honeymoon phase of a relationship really. Unconditional true love runs deeper then feelings, it's unconditional true love that is making you explore counselling as that desire to protect and be the best mother you can = love!

Sorry I've just realised this thread was posted months ago and things have got better for you. I must remember to check when things are posted! So pleased things are better for you now :)

That really is amazing, well done, you should be incredibly proud of your progress!

My MIL favours SIL over DH, it is very apparent. DH doesn't like to be around her much more than he has to as the situation makes him feel bad about himself, MIL always makes out she doesn't understand why he is distant and puts the onus of the strained relationship onto him for not wanting to be around, reading this has made be wonder if she is fully aware of the situation. I always assumed she was perhaps oblivious to her actions.

Well done to you, as above, actions speak volumes!!

OP, this thread has touched a cord with me...and I was thinking about this last night.

I have 3 DC - the eldest 2 are b/g twins and I love them dearly. We have been through a lot together and for years it was just us 3 battling along. DS1 is really easy going and helpful, DD is a little madam (a carbon copy of me). She is my most difficult child but when we get on, it's magical - she has a really loving and caring side which I adore about her. I love them both equally but in different ways - they have different traits which I love about them individually.

Anyway, my problem isn't about which one I love most - it's more to do with something I've realised now I have my youngest son.

The twin's birth was traumatic, and disappointing. I had wanted a natural hippie birth and it ended up being long, drawn out and full of intervention. There was no skin to skin contact. They were the result of a one night stand - but I subsequently made a relationship with their dad who ended up being a sociopath. (Yes - diagnosed many years of abuse later.) The first 2 years of their life, we lived with their father's parents - which was hell, as the paternal grandmother was awful for numerous reasons but I didn't feel I could tell my family how bad things were. When we got our own place, things got worse with my ex and he was emotionally and physically violent. It took me years to leave as I was terrified of him - then when I finally did, I endured years of stalking and family court from him. I love the twins dearly and amazingly they are very level headed. I feel that our bond was strengthened through the bad times.

However, fast forward to me getting with my current partner. He's great with the twins and they adore him. DP and I have had a new baby. Everything with the new baby has been perfect - amazing birth, DP cried and cut the cord; new baby is a dream; DP's family love us all to bits and kept crying with happiness about it all - it's like I have the perfect happy ending. My life feels too good to be true - I am enjoying every minute of my new son - and loving motherhood with a baby this time round.

I just feel so guilty. I don't have positive memories of the twins early years - it was hard work because they were twins but harder work trying to contend with my mental ex and his equally mental mother.

I had always thought that I simply wasn't a "baby" type of person - but have realised that it was the situation that wasn't right. Don't get me wrong, I always loved and cared for the twins - but it just wasn't the same compared to how I feel with the new baby.

Sorry to waffle on...but this has been playing on my mind all night.

Sorry - just saw your update and realised you posted this ages ago !

Well done for your progress - and thank you for sharing this delicate topic. It has certainly made me realise that I am not alone .