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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I do have a favourite. And I feel sick about it.

165 replies

MyFirstName · 27/02/2014 23:06

Following from a thread earlier (I have namechanged for this)..I read the thread and almost everyone said they loved their children equally.

Well I don't think I do. I kiss or hug my DS (5yo) and these huge waves of love engulf me. I would do anything for him. I bonded with him from birth.

My DD (7yo) in my head she is amazing, wonderful, clever. A pain sometimes. But totally worthy and deserving of soooo much love. But no wave of it engulfing me. I can find her very irritating.

It must affect how I deal with them (I know I am harder on her).

And the worst thing? I experienced favouritism as I was growing up. I was the golden child as far as my DM was concerned. Recently my DSis (we are close) has started to get some counselling to deal with her relationship with our parents and her self esteem issues.

The thread this evening really just slammed it right in my fucking head. I could not say "Yes I love my children equally". How fucking awful is that? There are potentially so many "reasons". Multiple miscarriages before we had her - I know I never truly felt I would have a baby in my arms until she finally arrived...and then crushing PND followed. My relationship with parents...who knows. But I have to, have to, have to fix it. She deserves so much more. They both do. And actually, fuck it so do I.

Anyway. Not quite sure why I am writing this. Am in tears. But DH is out. My best friend is going through a major relationship crisis so cannot call her and I think it would be crass of me to call my sister. So I needed to tell, to confess. To acknowledge I am fucking repeating history. Fuck.

Before doing this post though I have spent the last hour researching local counselling services and emailed one.

I need to deal with this. I am going to deal with this.

Please be gentle with me. Is there anyone who has been through this and got out the other end? Surely I cannot be the only totally crap one. Fuck.

Sorry is so long.

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 28/02/2014 11:57

Thanks My Smile

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN · 28/02/2014 13:44

I think you're really brave to confront this, well done for confronting something so difficult.

I had PND after DS was born and I felt no waves of love, I didn't even feel a small lapping around my toes. My over riding feeling was shame, what kind of mother could I be if I didn't love my child? It took 2 years or medication and then 4 months of CBT before I was diagnosed with PTSD from a traumatic delivery, some counselling ans some more CBT really helped. DS was probably 9 months old before I realised I do love him, very very much but even then it was more of a gradual realisation.
I do now feel the wave, even though he irritates me to the point if insanity I would never be without him. On my dark days I do still feel that crushing guilt, the guilt that I may have done some damage to him but it passes.

My very long rambling point is, there's hope, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You're clearly an excellent mother by recognising that there's something you want to work on and you certainly don't deserve any judgement. I wish you lots of luck Smile

maggiemight · 28/02/2014 14:56

I read somewhere that 'your face should light up when they come into the room' , sadly I didn't do this as was brought up myself in the time when you 'don't spoil your children' and assumed this was best Sad

ThePinkOcelot · 28/02/2014 15:12

OP, I feel exactly the same. I haven't even got the bad time when she was born and I adored her until dd2 came along. She is 12 now and sometimes I don't even like her. I feel so so guilty even writing that.

She always says about dd2 being favourite child and whilst I tell her there is no such thing. She has a point and I feel like a total bitch. I try so hard but obviously not enough.

I am a horrible mother. Sad, so sad.

noddyholder · 28/02/2014 16:04

This isn't about spoil its about love :(

Quangle · 28/02/2014 16:05

sorry to hear that pink. Have you explored the counselling route at all?

SchrodingersCake · 28/02/2014 16:06

No advice, but I love you. xxx

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 28/02/2014 16:14

I think its normal

ds was adorable as a child and completely on my wavelength growing up
dd had medical issues at birth and was a v difficult and demanding child - much harder to love than ds.also she wasn't as close to me and didn't want or need much love or reassurance etc from me

but now, ds is that sullen angry teen completely different person from before
and dd and me are v v close,we spend a lot of time together and she is so easy and biddable now

you can't fight nature :)

juneau · 28/02/2014 16:16

I read this thread title and thought 'I bet it's the bloody girl she prefers'. And I was right Sad

PrinceRogersNelson · 28/02/2014 16:21

It's not the 'bloody girl' it's the boy.

The OP is trying here, I don't think sad faces help really.

OP I just wanted to say well done in the counselling. I know there are many people here saying that it is normal, and it may well be, but you are hurting and for you it isn't right.

It is about you being ok with how you feel.

Good luck x

HabitualLurker · 28/02/2014 16:22

And the award for most pointless contribution to the thread so far goes to juneau.

Hiphopopotamus · 28/02/2014 16:22

What? juneau did you actually read any of this thread??

juneau · 28/02/2014 16:36

That'll teach me to skim read a thread! I've just seen several threads recently where either the mother has expressed a preference for her DD over her DS, or wanted to conceive a girl rather than a boy. But I apologise. Sorry!

Original poster
MyFirstName · 28/02/2014 16:40

Clearly juneau you did read the thread title. But that is all you read. So quite frankly take your "I bet it's the bloody girl" and your sad face and stick it where the sun don't shine. A slating I would not have been surprised at. In fact I feel it would be justified for many reasons - not dealing with it earlier etc. But for you to make that comment is just laughable.

And even if you had got your facts right - does it actually matter which one I prefer? No. It doesn't. It makes not odds if it is a DD or DS. It is an issue. For me. For some others. I am trying to deal with it. And there are some amazing people on here offering support and advice. You are not.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyFirstName · 28/02/2014 16:42

Apology accepted. Sorry for my sundon'tshine comment/X-post. You touched a nerve.

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 28/02/2014 18:40

No, no counselling for me. I haven't admitted this out loud before. Sad

Oblomov · 28/02/2014 18:49

I think more people feel this, minorly, than would care to admit it.
My relationship with ds2 is very different to ds1.
I don't think the other thread represents a true picture. An ideal idyllic one. But not quite real.

TonytheFish · 28/02/2014 18:52

Look, the fact that you recognise this and want to do something about it, so your daughter does not feel the effects or knows this as she grows up is a brilliant sign! Wanting to protect and nurture our children is a sign of love. You seeking help, is a sign of how much you love your dd.

I too, preferred DS over DD. DS was older, was such an easy pregnancy, an easy baby to bf, is now so much more loving and tactile than dd.

DD was my second, I struggled with pregnancy with her, she was a miserable baby for the first cpl months due to a tongue tie, so was an awful baby to BF. I suffered PND with her!

She is now 4 and ds is 6.....and it is getting better! Only this year did I get that "rush of love" feeling toward her that was instant with DS.

I still find Ds easier to deal with, as he is quite a mature 6 year old. DD is a stubborn, belligerent little thing!

Even 1 year ago, I would say I loved DS more, now, I would not say that! I do find DS easier, as he is just an easier personality, but the love, while different, is if not quite equal yet, getting there. I no longer feel the guilt and despair so much that I felt differently!

Jax2218 · 28/02/2014 18:55

I have a 3 year old son, I am the love of his life pretty much lol my daughter is 5 and is hard work!!!! I would say I love them equally but the feeling is very differant for each one. I get differant feelings from each one. With my boy it's more gushy I suppose. My daughter will come to me if she wants cuddles, if I tried to gush over her I get pushed away and she has been like that since a baby.

I wouldn't feel bad, I think each child is differant and the way you parent them is differant which I suppose effects emotions and how you interpret your feelings.

perfectstorm · 28/02/2014 19:13

And this morning I chatted with DD - she and I are going to have some weekly girl time. DS has recently taken up a sport. She talked about going to watch with DH. I suggested that if she wanted/preferred she and I could do something just the two of us. She jumped at the chance. I gave her lots of cuddles this morning and I am going to try what someone upthread suggested - try and treat her/our relationship as if it were normal/healthy/fun - and by behaving that way hope to get to feel some of it too.

Also think guggenheim's advice sounds really good. Have been thinking of you a lot today - hope the outcome for you is as positive as it has been for some others (and I think it sounds like the counselling will have value of its own, separate from this, from what you say about your own upbringing). Flowers

Original poster
MyFirstName · 28/02/2014 21:05

DD and I had a massive cuddle on my bed this evening. I just enjoyed it. I thoughtit was a great chance to start putting things right. I wasn't in a rush to go and do a chore of some kind - which is normally what I do. DS occasionally came and bundled onto of us...a quick tickle and he was off. I made it clear to DD that despite DS's interruptions that I was really enjoying the close time with her. We talked about nothing much...but so much too...that we loved each other to infinity squared. I may not feel that truly yet - but already I am moving at least in the right direction. There were no big waves. But god, she glowed. Getting the love (even if a lot was just words) from me she just glowed. She giggled and beamed and glowed. That look is not there enough on her beautiful face. It has made me even more determined to sort this out - just to see her utter bliss as she felt so..loved.

And also this afternoon and this evening I have been completing a form the counsellor sent through. She said we could do it face to face, or if I wanted to I could outline major relationships/issues on paper prior to meeting.

Wow. Yep. I have some ishhhooooos. It turned into stuff way more about my mother/parents/guilt about being the favourite than I expected. Another push to sort this - I do not want DD or DS to have such ishoooos when they are my age.

So an interesting journey ahead. Thinking back to where I was this time yesterday - bugger me! A bit scared. But the confession of there being a problem and then to hear that I was not as awful as I thought - others had been through the same journey and come out the other end...wow that has been a massive start - the door has opened. I just have to go through it now.

Thank you MN Flowers

Oh and if anyone out there has toyed with the idea of counselling in the past..that first step - booking the first appointment - is massive. I haven't started it yet - but I feel a sense of relief that at least the door has been opened. Really consider doing it.

Sorry if this is a bit mumbled and jumbled. Brains and emotions are rather ragged at the moment.

OP posts:
pointythings · 28/02/2014 21:19

You have made massive strides in the space of a day, that is amazing. Flowers.

It is all going to come right for you and your DD because you have the insight and the will to do the hard work. You've made such a leap already and you haven't even seen the counsellor yet. Total respect from me.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/02/2014 21:22

OP.... Hang on, dammit, there's something in my eye...

What an amazing, moving thread and post.

My counselling a few years back (PND related, plus a whole whack of other shite) was so scary at first but so amazing in the end. I hope you are very proud of yourself for the steps you are taking and I wish you all the very best.

Incidentally (or maybe this is in fact the most important bit) your maternal love for your DD jumps off the screen and straight into my heart from that description of her glowing fro your attention and cuddles. I suspect you don't have as long a journey as you think.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 21:22

Aww, that is a heart warming update. I am sure you will all be OK. Thanks.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/02/2014 21:23

*from